How many ways can I say "no"?

A nice litle list I just picked up on the net:

"No, that does not work for me."
"No, I can't do that."
"No, I don't have the time."
"No, I'm busy."
"Thanks, but no."
"No, but thanks anyway."
"I'll get back to you if I can fit it in, but for now, it's a no."


I am practicing the power of "no" and it's handy to have different ways to flex the "no" muscle.

L.

Victim or Martyr?

Found on the web, and I love it ...

VICTIM VS MARTYR

Ten differences between being a martyr or a victim?

1. Martyrs are people who recognize they are being taken advantage of and choose to remain in the situation.

Victims are people who are taken advantage of but are unaware of being treated as such. Once victims recognize that they are being treated unfairly, they have the choice of remaining in the situation or not. If they stay, they risk becoming martyrs.

2. Martyrs are those who recognize that their rights are ignored and abused but choose to remain in the situation and continue to be treated this way.

Victims are individuals whose rights are ignored and abused but were unaware that they would be treated in this manner before they entered the situation.

3. Martyrs are people who let others know how unfairly they are being treated but choose to remain in this unfair position.

Victims are people who let others know they have been treated unfairly. They have the chance to leave or change the situation in which they have been victimized. Victims often suffer silently for long periods of time before they are able to verbalize the unfairness of their life situations.

4. Martyrs often knowingly continue to enable or set up situations in which their rights are violated or ignored. This "setting up'' is like a prediction or prophecy of failure into which, consciously or unconsciously, the martyrs play, fulfilling the prophecy.

Victims often unknowingly set themselves up for continued abuse and violation of their rights. They are often confused and bewildered as to why this occurs. They lack insight into the actions that bring on this abuse.

5. Martyrs often seek sympathy for their plight. They seek support, advice, and help from others. Yet they seem stuck in their current course of action and seem to be unable to resolve it.

Victims frequently never seek help. They are often frustrated and lost as to what needs to be done to get them out of their current situation. Once victims have been offered help and make a conscious choice to remain stuck in their situation, they become martyrs.

6. Martyrs frequently let the people whom they feel are taking advantage of them know how badly they are being treated. Martyrs often resort to badgering, nagging, scolding, threatening, belittling, antagonizing, and verbally putting down those whom they perceive to be taking advantage of them.

Victims rarely let the people who are taking advantage of them know how they feel about this treatment.

7. Martyrs often believe it is their obligation to remain in their position in life. They would feel guilty if they let go of the current situation. They fear taking the risk to change the situation. They are apparently comfortable, habituated, or submissive to the situation and believe a change would be worse for them and for the others in their lives.

Victims often want a change and are desperate for a solution to their situation. As soon as a victim gives in to a situation, choosing not to resolve or correct it, they become martyrs. The saying, "If you are not part of the solution, you are part of the problem,'' applies to the martyr's state in life.

8. Martyrs have a story line which is stereotypic and habitual. They rarely change their tales of woe. One can meet them several years later and find them still suffering from the fate they were experiencing when you last talked to them.

Victims experience their plight temporarily, get help, and are more apt to get out of the situation. If after getting help and changing, victims experience the same problems later, they could be martyrs at that time.

9. Martyrs often mask their behavior with an aura of willingness and desire for behavioral change in their lives. Usually they are only fooling themselves, since the others in their lives can see by their behavior and attitude that there is no possibility of change.

Victims usually are open and honest about their discomfort and willingly seek behavioral change. Their sincerity is easily perceived by others due to the actions and behavioral changes that take place.

10. Martyrs are "professional'' help seekers. They make the rounds of paid and volunteer helpers, advice givers, counselors, consultants, anyone willing to listen to their tale of woe. Unfortunately, they usually ignore the assistance, advice, or direction they are given. This frequently results in their "helpers'' giving up on them in frustration and discouragement.

Victims, on the other hand, seek help in a "crisis'' only after the pressure of their problems becomes too great for them to bear. They are highly motivated for a "change'' and are rewarding people to work with as they and their helpers witness the benefits of the help, advice, and direction given.


A comparison of victim and martyr characteristics:

Victim

Martyr

1. Usually has short-term problem

Long-term problem

2. Motivated to change

Stuck in their problem

3. Rights violated by others

Rights violated by others

4. Did not choose the problem

Chooses to remain in problem situation

5. Never complains

Complains all the time

6. Lacks insight into problem

Frequently has insight into the problem


7. Unknowingly plays an active part in the problem

Frequently knowingly plays an active part in the problem

8. Doesn't often seek help

Seeks help all the time

9. Wants to "let go'' of problem

"Holds on to'' the problem

10. Guilt free

Guilt driven

11. Solution oriented

Problem oriented

12. Powerless due to lack of knowledge

Powerless out of a free will choice to be so

13. Unique problem

Stereotypic, with habitual problems

14. Sincere desire to change

Mask of sincerity

15. Honest to self and others about the problem

Dishonest to self and others about the desire to change

16. Hesitant to get help

Seeks out help habitually

17. Reticent to talk about problem

Relishes the attention received in talking about the problem

18. Embarrassed about the problem

Wears problem as a badge of courage (purple heart)

19. Wants a quick solution to their crisis

Creates crises out of everything but blocks all solutions


20. Open to all new ideas

Holds a "yes- but'' attitude to all new ideas





What are obstacles facing victims and martyrs?

A. Victims often:

Lack the knowledge that they are being taken advantage of by others.

Are so used to a certain way of being treated that they don't recognize it as unhealthy for them.

Lack healthy self-esteem or self-concepts.

Have little belief in themselves.

Come from high-stress families where their rights were never respected; therefore, they lack the competencies, skills, and abilities to stand up for their rights.

Lack information about assertive behavior and have no experience in using assertive behavior.

Lack of "others'' in their lives who can point out alternative healthy solutions to their problems.

Are timid, scared, and suspicious of help being offered to them.

Are skeptical about someone really wanting to help them.



Victims often hold to some of the following irrational beliefs in their lives:

You must be nice to everyone, even if they are not nice to you.

Life is supposed to be filled with unhappiness and uncertainty.

The small guy never wins.

This is the way things are supposed to be.

There are winners and losers in all transactions between people.

My role in life is to be a loser.

Most people are basically selfish, mean, self-centered and disrespectful.

You should never complain.

Take it like a "man'' (woman)!

Be silent with your feelings.



Victims often do not stand up for their rights because they suffer from the irrational fear of:

disapproval

rejection

conflict

taking a risk

the unknown

change

confrontation

being overwhelmed emotionally and physically

loss of self-respect

making a mistake.



B. Martyrs often:

Are so caught up in their problems that they convince themselves no solution is possible.

Know they are being abused but are so used to it they can't visualize life any differently.

Lack healthy self-esteem and self-concepts.

Lack belief in themselves or in others.

Had "martyr'' role models in their families of origin and do not see their own behavior as maladaptive.

Lack knowledge of assertiveness and may be either extremely passive or overly aggressive with their antagonists.

Have exhausted all of their outlets of "helpers''

Find "helpers'' hesitant to offer assistance; their resistance and "yes-but'' statements are too much for the helpers to overcome..

Manipulate their helpers. At first they are cooperative, open, verbal, and apparently honest in their assessment of their problems. However, once an objective helper begins to point out the martyr's contribution to the problem, they feign newer, bigger, and more complex problems to keep the helper's focus off of them.



Martyrs often hold to some of the following irrational beliefs in their lives:

You must be nice to people no matter how they treat you.

Everyone needs me and they would be lost without me.

I am depended upon.

It is my role to keep everything together, no matter what price I have to pay.

This is the way things are supposed to be.

I can never win in the situation I am in, but I can't leave it.

I must find a way to pay back those who hurt me.

I never get angry; I just get revenge.

My behavior is healthy, OK, but misunderstood by others.

The louder I complain, the greater the chances of being heard.



Martyrs often do not take the action required to resolve their problems because they suffer from the irrational fear of:

letting go

taking a risk

feeling guilty

being blamed for the problem

being seen as the real problem

being ignored in the future

being happy, peaceful, or content

change

loss of approval

losing the person(s) who are taking advantage of or abusing them



Steps to help you decide if you are a victim or a martyr and how to change your behavior

Step 1: Make an honest assessment: Are you a martyr or a victim in the problems facing you? Study the comparisons and characteristics listed above to help you recognize your behavior. Complete the following statements in your journal:

a. I can honestly say that I am currently functioning as: (1) a victim, (2) a martyr, (3) a little of each, (4) neither of the above, but as a ( ).

b. I know I function this way because:

c. My current problems include:



Step 2: Once you have identified the role you are playing in your current problem(s), identify (in your journal) the obstacles keeping you from moving forward:

a. As a (victim/martyr) I am faced with the following obstacles to correcting my current problem:

b. I have the following irrational beliefs:

c. I have the following irrational fears:

d. Obstacles include the following lack of knowledge, information, behavior, and attitudes:



Step 3: Once you have identified the obstacles, utilize the following skills and principles presented in the Tools For Coping Series:

a. Refuting Irrational Beliefs [Tools for Personal Growth]

b. Self Affirmation [Tools for Personal Growth]

c. Risk Taking [Tools for Personal Growth]

d. Guilt Reduction [Tools for Personal Growth]

e. Letting Go [Tools for Handling Loss]



Step 4: If completing Step 3 does not create a change in your behavior, try one of the following alternatives:

a. Ask the people in your life if they see you acting as a victim or martyr regarding your current problem. Share this material with them to help their response. Use their feedback to assist you in clarifying your reactions to your problem. Use their feedback to motivate a change in your behavior.

b. Take an informal poll of people as to which role they would prefer to play in life: victim or martyr. In your poll find out what their perceptions are of the two roles and the differences, if any. Ask them to clarify which role is more respected by others. Finally, have them give you examples from literature, history, TV, movies, or real life of classic victim and martyr role models. Once your poll is completed, review your data. Decide from your findings which role you currently are playing. Use the results of the survey to motivate a change in your behavior.

c. In your journal list the pros and cons of continuing your current course of behavior (be it victim or martyr). Use the list to assist you in deciding to change any unproductive pattern.

d. List those who will be affected if you cease being the victim/martyr. Next to each name, list the positive and negative consequences a change in your behavior will have on their lives. Use this listing to assist you in recognizing that those people will survive your change in behavior. This is designed to motivate you to pursue the necessary changes in your behavior

e. Make a personal inventory up to this very moment in your life as to the benefits and deficits of the pattern of behavior you live, be it victim or martyr. List what you gain from playing this role. Also, list what you lose as a result of playing this role. List what you will lose or gain in the future if you change this role. Use this inventory to stimulate change, since you will have begun to desensitize the fears that are obstacles to change.


Step 5: If Steps 1 through 4 are unsuccessful in motivating a change in your current behavior pattern, you may need to seek professional help. Review Steps 1 through 4 with such a helper.

Paul!

A little slideshow I made of Macca, through '66:

tinyurl.com/53hjaq

Happy, happy, happy.

The kid with the Voice.

I haven't seen anything like this in a long time:

www.youtube.com/watch

Makes you remember that songwriting is art, the human voice can be the powerful instrument of all, and music can convey quicker than anything else the best of who we are and what we can do.

The arrangement of the song, and the vocal phrasing, is very reminiscent of the late genius jazz singer Eva Cassidy. Which is probably a large part of why I loved it as much as I did.

This kid is SEVENTEEN. If he doesn't win American Idol, I'd be surprised. If he doesn't reach the level of stardom, I'd be amazed. Whatever happens, there will always be this remarkable record of those two minutes, eight seconds when "Imagine" was re-born into the world.

Beyond Beautiful: The Arctic

Never seen pictures like this before ... it's like opening eyes on the world for the first time.

Phew.

paulnicklen.com/

Violet!

At the Daily Puppy.com:

dailypuppy.com/index.php

Whoa. That's all I can say ... just whoa.

:)

What Is Magic Realism?

"Briefly, the concept of Magic Realism has to do with the concept of "heightened reality" or the addition
of another dimension of reality through a symbolic or metaphoric structure. It gives us a new way of
perceiving the world, as if through a child looking at the world for the first time. The term is a derivation
of "lo real maravilloso" which means literally, "The Marvelous Reality." Alejo Carpentier (l904-l980),
a Cuban historian, is credited with coming up with this term in l949.

Readers who want to have a general overview of Magic Realist writing need only turn to a collection
by Barbara Howes, Eye of the Heart, to get a good idea of the basic format of this marvelous writing.

Recent movies have had a major impact on public awareness about Magic Realism.
The most well known movie is probably Like Water for Chocolate (based on the book by Laura Esquivel,
it was the highest grossing foreign film of all time until The Postman took the honor two years later).
Other more recent movies: What Dreams May Come, The Truman Show, Pleasantville, and the
fabulous American Beauty. Much earlier, The Twilight Zone had many episodes which could rightly
be described as Magic Realism including the stunning An Occurrence At Owl Creek Bridge based
on a story by Ambrose Bierce (aired February 28, 1964) ...

... On the subject of Magic Realism itself, there were almost 500 links to the subject in 2002;
now a Google search of the topic reveals one million five hundred thousand (1,500,000) links.
And as soon as I get the ok for posting my article on Magic Realism in the SFWA Bulletin,
it will eventually appear here, or a link will be provided, so readers can have an access to that."

(www.pantarbe.com/mrmagicre...m#mrfilms)

Now hear this!

I love these things. If you would like to fill out the questionnaire and send me
your answers, that'd be a hoot!

*************************************************************************************

1. What is your occupation? A puppy lover.

2. What color are your socks right now? Well, until a few minutes ago I had on
pink socks with doggies and bones on them. Now it's just end-of-day pink-bottomed feet.

3. What are you listening to right now? John Mayer CD -- Heavier Things.
Sexiest voice going, that one.

4. What was the last thing that you ate? Vegan chocolate cookie, cup of chai tea.

5. Can you drive a stick shift? Can't drive at all, though I can drive myself crazy.

6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Starlight. (Hey, I can dream).

7. Last person you spoke to on the phone: Aunt Connie.

8. How old are you today? 42

9. Favorite drink? Alcoholic - I can't drink because of my meds. (Damn).

10. What is your favorite sport to watch? Baseball! Also figure skating.
And the Olympics in general are fascinating.

11. Have you ever dyed your hair? Uh, many times. I actually don't remember
the original color anymore.

12. Pets? Kitten Girl, my crazy sweet beautiful cat.

13. Favorite food? Very good broiled haddock, scallops, practically anything made
out of potatoes. (How New England is that? I might as well say that my favorite food is
New England seafood chowdah, because a good bowl of that is next to Godliness).

14. Last movie you watched? Music and Lyrics (Drew and Hugh, does it get better than that?)

15. Favorite Day of the year? My birthday (I know, that's very egotistical).
I also like Valentine's Day very much.

16. What do you do to vent anger? I beat on my pillows.

17. What was your favorite toy as a child? Mystery Date game was right up there.
Also loved my little Suzy Homemaker type dishes and small (faux) appliances.

18. What is your favorite season? Spring!

19. Hugs or kisses? Kisses.

20. Cherry or Blueberry? Why isn't chocolate an option?

21. What happened to: My youth?!!

22. When was the last time you cried? This morning.

23. What is on the floor of your closet? The beginnings of boxes organized
in such a way that I might actually be ready to move in a sane way this summer. (Whoo-hoo!)

24. Favorite smells? My cat's fur, rain on city pavement, perfect perfumes (rare but they are out there),
freshly laundered clothes, the memory of the breath of a past boyfriend, the smell of breakfast cooking
(as long as it's someone else making it), the first flowers of Spring after the last, lousy and depressing
weeks of Winter, the smells of outdoors in the Fall.

25. Who inspires you? People who love and fight for the innocents (children, old people, sick people,
animals). The peacemakers, the ones with hearts full of love.

26. What are you afraid of? Dying before I am ready.

27. Plain, cheese or spicy hamburgers? Cheese, please and you could probably also
hold the burger.

28. Favorite car? Never owned one, but if I did -- a Volvo convertible. (Safe but sexy).

29. Favorite cat breed? Kitten Girl

30. Number of keys on your key ring? 5

31. How many years at your current job? 42 years.

32. Favorite day of the week? Friday.

33. How many states have you lived in? 3

34. Do you think you're funny? Does funny looking count?

Beautiful, blessed words.

The Sun Never Says

Even after all this time
The sun never says to the earth,
"You owe Me."

Look what happens with
A love like that,
It lights the Whole Sky.


- From The Gift by Hafiz
- Version by D.Ladinsky

**********************************************************************************

Sell your cleverness and purchase bewilderment.

-Rumi

**********************************************************************************

I believe a leaf of grass is no less than the journey work of the stars,
And the pismire is equally perfect, and a grain of sand, and the egg of the wren,
And the tree-toad is chef-d'oeuvre for the highest,
And the running blackberry would adorn the parlors of heaven,
And the narrowest hinge in my hand puts to scorn all machinery,
And the cow crunching with depress'd head surpasses any statue,
And a mouse is enough to stagger sextillions of infidels.

- Walt Whitman

***********************************************************************************

When you have the choice of being right or of being kind, choose kindness.

All of us are spiritual beings having a human experience.

-- Wayne Dyer

Oooh la la!

Beautiful world of ideas and design, a la Parisiennes:

parisapartment.wordpress.com/

Sumptuous and dreamy.

L.A.E.