My Blog

Termination

ZeeVy — Mon, 15 Sep 2008 23:30:07 GMT

So I recently got fired from my job for "nodding off" during nap time at my pre-school. Some girl saw me and decided to tell my boss. I could have said I was meditating but I just didn't feel like lying. It was so harmless. I thought it was nice to get fired, and I still am glad that I don't have to go back to that corporate hole, however I just found out that I don't qualify for unemployment and I'm a little worried that I'm not going to pull through so smoothly on this one. Send some positive energy my way. The universe will take care of me I'm sure. There is a reason for all of this Blessings.

Just felt like sharing...

ZeeVy — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 10:07:13 GMT

This poem really resonated with me and I felt moved to share it... It doesn’t really matter what you’ve ever done, or not done. It doesn’t make any difference how many times you’ve deceived yourself or others. It doesn’t make any difference how many cheap verbal, intellectual, and mental imitations you’ve sold out for. It doesn’t make any difference how many times you’ve used it, lied about it, betrayed it, pretended it, or pretended it didn’t exist. It doesn’t make any difference how many times you’ve lost it. The only thing that makes any difference is whether you have the honesty and the humility, whether you’re willing to be vulnerable enough, this very moment, to find out what love is. And when you discover the vast and endless bliss of it, whether you are willing to be destroyed by it, whether you are willing to disappear into it now, and to disappear into it forever. Be honest with yourself: Is there really something else you’d rather do? As much as we’d like to think so, we can’t really “have love”. Simply because it is much bigger than whatever we imagine ourselves and our lives to be, All we can do is immerse ourselves in it, drown in it, abandon ourselves for it. For in the end we don’t really exist. There is only love. Why not let this be the end? Let it transform everything. If your surrender is pure, and complete, it will change everything immediately. No longer will the aches of the body nor the fears and sorrows of the mind trouble you. For the body and the mind will be in service to the heart, which will liberate all of your demons.

Despair

ZeeVy — Sat, 23 Aug 2008 05:10:40 GMT

Depair is such an interesting emotion. Our thoughts are capable of creating some very interesting places to live in. I am having a hard time understanding what is real and what is a manifestation of my own thoughts. Isn't everything thoughts thinking thoughts? What is truth and what is illusion. Everything feels so slippery and illusive right now. There is no solid ground to stand on. I am frozen in time and forever flowing through this crazy universe. Lost in a mirage of luminous threads. Color weaving through divine intuition. I am here in this moment. Present to its existence and flow. I move like water and get lost in it. All thoughts abandon to color. I experienced the divine void of myself and this universe. I am here now existing. I am in pain and in love. That is all I know for now.

Dreaming Awake

ZeeVy — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 22:54:07 GMT

I have been living in Portland for over 6 months and my life has changed drastically since I last left the east coast. I realize we are always changing and growing, however I feel that this has been more of an accelerated growth spurt. I wonder if other people are going through similar experiences. It is an intense time right now. Only moments ago I fell into a shelf from trying to stand on part of the shelf to hang something up. I knew it wouldn't support me and I knew I would fall and get hurt, but i did it anyway. Odd. I bashed the back of my arm and my thigh up pretty good. I thought it was funny how I predicted what would happen and than I wasn't very happy with the results. Life's lessons. I have had a number of events take place in my life that have plunged me deeper into the depths of my being. It takes place within. I am walking my path and meeting people on a daily basis who have something for me to learn or something they must learn from me. It is reciprocal. Giving and recieving are an endless flow when it is done out of love. I am learning more and more how to let go of fear. The universe is taking care of me in ways I could never have dreamed. I am learning a lot each day. I want to dream awake. I have had experiences take place that can't be understood with the mind. I am learning how to fly. How to use my wings and free myself. It is always a work in progress for those of us who wish to perfect the art of living.

Repressed memories

ZeeVy — Wed, 11 Jun 2008 08:10:52 GMT

For the first time in 20 years I am beginning to open to repressed memories from my chldhood that I haven't been able to access until now. It started with some intense energy work I am doing with a Tibetan master who has very high vibration energy. In connecting to the deeper parts of my body I have been able to open and release tension that I have held onto out of fear and the desire to control. I am opening to love now and letting fear lose its power and grip over me (although it is still there). I live in my body as though it were for the first time. Everyday I piece things together more and more and realize the many layers of this process, the latent mystery. It feels a little overwhelming, a little terrifying, and also very exciting because my awakening has started. My dreams have been recognized and are slowly being answered. I will not run away from my own creation. The truth is in my body. The key now is to be patient and very aware of my body and the process. I am opened to any insights people have based on their own experience of realizing memories that have been repressed and stored as toxins in the body. I feel like there is no beginning or end to any of this.

New phone number

ZeeVy — Sat, 19 Apr 2008 02:09:40 GMT

You can reach me at my new phone number - 503-781-8565 I won't be doing any texting on it :-)

Broken phone

ZeeVy — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 04:55:21 GMT

My phone has died and taken to its grave all your lovely phone numbers. Please e-mail me your numbers so I can contact you! If anyone needs to contact me in the mean time you can reach me on my cousin David's cell phone - 503-863-1177. It will be easier to reach me in the evening. Hope to hear from you soon!

phone numbers

ZeeVy — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 04:52:13 GMT

My phone has died and I don't have anyone's phone number anymore. Please e-mail me phone numbers so I can contact you.

On the mend

ZeeVy — Sun, 30 Mar 2008 23:22:07 GMT

So my wisdom tooth came out on Thursday. It was supposed to come out on Tuesday, however the pills I was prescribed to take 2 hours before my appointment at 9 am were too strong and ended up knocking me out so that I couldn't make the appointment. Instead, I woke up at 1:00 not knowing what the fuck happened or why I still had my wisdom tooth in. I then, unknowingly called my friend who was supposed to take me four times in a row to explain to her why I didn't answer the phone or the pounding of my door and window. After explaining this to her through four repetitive phone calls, I called my dentist three times to tell him that I thought maybe the drugs were too strong because I smoked marijuana the night before. I barely remember doing any of this but I later learned after the drugs wore off just what nonsense I got into. So I was messed up all day for no reason and then went through the same thing on Thursday. The surgery took 2 hours and they had to shave down some of the bone as well. They put some sun glasses on me and head phones and asked what kind of music I wanted to hear. I requested classical music and they put in Chopan nocturnes. I remember feeling happy through most of it until I got home. It hurt the worst for the first hour after getting home. Luckily I had a lovely and magical woman there taking care of me and we drew a picture together that focused on healing. For the first two days it looked like I had a golf ball in my cheek or I was a squirrel or chip munk storing food in my cheek. I was definately looking my finest. I'm feeling better but things still hurt and I don't have much energy. Today I am feeling the heaviness of the day. Stiches come out on Wednessday. On a more positive note - I am meeting a lot of new, interesting and colorful people and having lots of really yummy sex, despite the sore jaw and lack of energy, I don't notice it so much when I'm being stimulated in these kinds of creative ways :-) I'm thinking I'd like to come to Boston for a visit last week in April. Hopefully I'll make it happen.

wisdom tooth

ZeeVy — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 08:50:55 GMT

I'm getting an impacted wisdom tooth out tomorrow morning at 9:00. The surgery could take up to 2 hours. I'm taking prescribed drugs (which I hate to do) so I will be out of it and won't remember anything. I've never ungone any surgery in my life and I'm nervous about it. I think it's a little weird taking a drug where I won't remember what happended after. It sort of freaks me out. I can't sleep tonight and i'm trying to imagine everything going smoothly. Send out positive energy for me please!

Leila

ZeeVy — Thu, 21 Feb 2008 09:28:27 GMT

Today has been a sad day, but a very important day never the less. I always welcome sadness in my world with opened arms. Friends who discourage me from feeling sad- you aren't required! I'd rather wallow in it thank you. In fact, choosing to acknowledge my feelings and allow myself to fully experience the sensation of that emotion is what saves me every time from repressing thoughts, feelings, and memories that come up and allow me to process and have realizations about who I am and who I am not. I love it when the tears come. So refreshing. This morning I awoke with my phone ringing at 7:30 and saw that it was Leila's mom. I had a strange feeling about it and decided not to answer it. When it rang a second time, I especially felt that it would be wise not to pick it up. I'm not sure why I felt this, but it was a strong intuition and I chose to follow that. I went back to sleep and had very restless dreams about Leila and in my mind I was really worried that there was an emergency and I should have just picked up the phone. 9:30 and Leila comes bursting into my room. I immediately sensed in her energy that something was up with her. She wanted me to get up immediately. She needed me in that moment and every part of my body sensed the urgency of her need. In that moment her dad appeared and I asked him what the hell happened. He told me that Leila's mom had verbally attacked him in front of Leila and stormed off with her, only to return her because she had to get to school. Long story short - Leila was traumatized by it. She's just 2 for Christ sake! It broke my heart. I went to go take a shower and Leila wanted to come so we ended up taking a bath first because she loves baths as much as she loves showers, but usually more. In the bath she wasn't at all her normal cheerful, bright eyed, smiling, chatty self. She usually gets excited as soon as the clothes come off. She was bothered and so was I. We sat in the water restless and uneasy - not knowing what to do. I let the water out and ran the shower. In the shower she started to cry, claiming it was soap in her eyes, even though I knew it wasn't because I was very careful not to get the soap near her eyes. It didn't last long. She is so sensitive to me and knows when I am sad and anxious because she is sad and so she shortens her cry so that I will not be sad. I think she is comforted knowing that I am connected to her this way. I had an intense melt down tonight about all this just as the moon was coming to a complete fullness again. It felt good to really cry and let it out. I felt so helpless and outside of the situation of Leila's world. Yesterday we spent an hour painting and created a whole story from the people I painted. She would tell me the things she wanted them to have - purple bananas, horses, ponies, dogs, balloons, airplanes, flowers. Then she would take her brush to their eyes and streak their eyes and say that they were crying. All of them were eventually crying, even the airplanes and ponies. We made loud dramatic crying noises and it felt really good. Leila was so into the story and was completely opened and receptive to everything I was saying. It was fascinating and intense. I felt that Leila was expressing her needs through art. Is this what art therapy is? I'm looking forward to more of these Leila art sessions. I want to be strong and vibrant for her always. Presently my challenge (if I must call it that) is keeping my heart opened, my energy high, my mind sharp, alert, and realistic, and being nothing but compassionate to all parties involved. I have realized tonight just how intensely strong my bond and connection is to Leila. It is beautiful and terrifying all at once.