My Blog

music to my heart

Jenna — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 16:17:27 GMT

So, those of you who know me really well know that I spent most of my life feeling like music didn't belong to me. My brother, sister and mom were really talented musicians and I was basically tone-deaf. They excluded me a lot and I carried a lot of baggage because of it. I've always loved music - it makes me weep at the drop of an octave or the soaring of a tenor. Over the last few years I've reclaimed it - first through the tremendous patience and love of my Seadog family as I embarked on a singing journey that brought me from inept to novice. Thanks for all the support! Passing through with Rats in the Hagis - what an amazing bunch of musicians. These professional and talented folks never make me feel the outsider even though I have very little musical knowledge. They have pushed me along to embrace the talents I have - you are all wonderful and special. And then through Captain's Dotter which allows me to really develop myself on many levels - Not only am I learning to keep pitch, I'm learning to harmonize. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not just learning to sing different notes on pitch while stending next to someone singing something else. I'm actually learning to figure out where my voice belongs in relationship to those other notes in order to resonate the chord - wow! Thank you sisters for challenging me to be my best. Then, there's Rick Brown and the very special gift he enabled me to achieve for myself. Rick - when you lent me your mandolin I was tickled and inspired to do good by you and your generosity. Little did I know how much that simple gesture would give me just a few months later... Sunday night my brother and sister were over. As usual they began to do musical things with each other. My bro brought out his guitar, my sister sat down to sing with him. I told my bro what chords I know (G, C, D and F(barely)). I also know the notes in the A Natural Minor scale. First my bro taught me to play along to a song he wrote (G, C, D and B (flat I think) chords). It was awkward and fun and after a while I could do the strum pattern mostly and get the chord changes not to jangle badly. Then he started to play Bob Marley's "No Woman No Cry." My brother and sister have played/sung this song for years and I've always watched - an outsider alone and silent - maybe singing on the choruses quietly to myself. Well, my brother plays it in the key of A Natural Minor (I think thats what it is written in but don't actually know) and so he taught me how to jam on it and to play lead mandolin using the scale I know. It only took a minute and then I was jamming away. Suddenly I was no longer on the outside looking in. All of this resolved to learning a third song, this time just vocals, that my sister wrote in honor of our grandparents. Its beautiful and really captures who they were - a great love affair of 66 years. Anyway, we sang together - our littlest sister joined in (what a beautiful voice she has) - and we were a musical family. No more boundaries, no more outside looking in... I wish Malaika were here to read this (just got a postcard from Belize). She really wanted me to learn to play melody not just chords and now I'm really glad she did. I'm inspired to keep working - to give the mandolin more of my time. I finally know that a musician lives in me - all I have to do is let her out. Thank you all for everything...

Change is tough

Jenna — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 15:51:55 GMT

I'm standing at a cross roads in my career. There are choices in front of me - always good to have choices. But they feel too hard to make. On the one hand I've wanted to go back to Academia for a while and it looks like I'm going to get an incredible offer to be the Chief Administrative Officer of an Academic Department. Its a very prestigious opportunity. On the other hand my current office is in the midst of extreme change - huge opportunities on the horizon but no guarantees. I love this place - I love the people and the work. I've grown more here than any other place in all my 20+ years of work. But I feel all this doubt and I'm confused about what direction to go in. When I think about leaving I want to cry. When I think about staying I want to cry. I'm tired and confused and I just wish the sun would shine down on my crossroads and mark the way forward...

Slip and Slide

Jenna — Thu, 15 May 2008 15:46:40 GMT

Days like today make me wish we were still little kids and could go outside in our underwear, turn on the sprinklers, and slide on a plastic sheet down the hill. Days like today make me wish I didn't work for a living and was independently wealthy so I could take my dog for a walk on the beach and then sit in the shade in a breezy cafe in Benicia and read all day. Days like today help me remember how important the big stuff is and how stupid the little stuff is. I've re-read some of my blog comments recently and realized they are full of typos. Can I blame the callouses I'm getting on my fingertips from practicing mandolin? And - No - I am not getting good at it yet. When life turned to s#@t in January I stopped playing for a while but I'm back to it now. Thanks Bryn and Megan for your advice about which books to learn from. The main one I'm using has been really helpful. Although - that F'ing F chord is a real b*#%h! I'm going to have to ask someone for some advice on how to do it easier. My fingertips keep hitting other strings or they just don't press right on the ones they are supposed to be on. Still wish I could take lessons but that isn't financially feasible right now. Some day. In the mean time faire season begins for me soon and I'm expecting to learn from my friends at faire. So, I keep practicing, and keep hoping my callouses will be thick enough to do more than 45 minutes a day come Tahoe faire.

up for a breath and then down under again...

Jenna — Sun, 27 Apr 2008 02:13:41 GMT

Thanks to everyone who wished me well this week. I'm still in the thick of it but your thoughts keep me going. A friend from work took me out on Friday for a drink during happy hour in one of those downtown Oakland classy bars where all the young urban professional singles go to meet up and lament their humdrum work lives and hope they'll get lucky. We drank pomegranate martinis with cherries and told completely inappropriate stories about work colleagues (names changed to protect the guilty). You know the kinds of stories... They are the ones they use as examples for Sexual Harassment Prevention Training - the "what not to do" scenarios. It helped me get some distance and I was really able to laugh. Then it was off to CD rehearsal. Gods I love my sisters! I drank during rehearsal which I don't do too often. That loosened me up enough that I made a joke and Gina snorted pepsi out of her nose so much it sprayed all over the living room. I kept it going while we sang. We have this song called Loving Hannah. Its very sweet and pretty except its all about how we are ditching our boyfriend for his best friend, brother, father - you get the idea. In the verse where this comes to light we sing this list of men we prefer "I will love his best friend more, I will love his father more..." But on the last refrain Nancy always sings "I will love his sister more." Since its only Nancy its really subversive and only a few in the audience pick up on it but most of them fall off their hay bails in laughter. So, last night Nancy couldn't be at rehearsal so I sang "I will love his best friend more. I will love his father more, I will love his hamster more" Yeah - we really weren't able to sing again for a few minutes but nobody seemed to mind that I needed to blow off some steam. Did I mention how much I love my sisters?! So today I worked, did a few things around the house, shopped with my hubby and am headed off to sing karaoke at the Office for Riley's b-day. I will have to work a lot more tomorrow and then its back to the office for more hell on Monday. But, for a little while I got my head up and took a deep breath before I get pulled under again. thanks for being there to remind me of whats important.

going under

Jenna — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 14:40:25 GMT

feeling overwhelmed totally unable to clear the woods and see the sky work is really hard right now - check out the CC Times for details (my office audits this kind of stuff and so I'm bleeding all over the desk with work my best staff person was up until 3:30 last night working on a file of raw data on 1500 people that we have to format and make pretty because someone wants to print it - what the he** are they going to do with 150 pages of raw data???!!!!! Don't these people know that you can't crunch numbers on paper!!!??? other personal stuff is bugging me too don't know how to express it don't really know how to breathe missing my grandpa (RIP) need to sleep for a week would somebody please turn off the merry-go-round so I can get off

My new car

Jenna — Sat, 15 Mar 2008 12:56:21 GMT

Its been a long time since I've posted. Can't sleep so I thought I'd get online and check in. Life has been a bit hard since about September but I finally feel like I'm coming out of the clouds and into the sunshine again. Thank you to all of you who have shared your condolences, concers and sympathy. All shall be well again I know. I bought a new car last night after two weeks of searching every day I finally found one that had all the right moves and looks and features. So, check it out...

Sometimes these things seem to write me...

Jenna — Thu, 01 Nov 2007 17:47:56 GMT

The Sand He rode unto the promised land And thus he was forsaken His measure known To die alone The sand his life has taken He stepped into the yawning breach ‘tween foe and friend and godly call He swung his blade He’d sung his day And danced and died and sundered all Earthly treasure offered up To those lords in rich array A fine raiment And riches spent In earthly blood are crown-ed they This darker blood has come unknown To coat the arms of soldiers gear It spewed thus forth From bosom earth And covers all that we hold dear And now her cries they go unheard As Mother weeps for dying young Her cradle marred Her children scarred Her songs she finds are left unsung And still they prattle on and on Lords and ladies, fine and fair They tell us all To heed the call Of land and God and gold compare “This war is worth a thousand deaths A thousand more and onward still” Until the flow Of all we sow Is stopped and done, no drop to spill And then we gather in our arms Those few left with none to hold We gather all Who heed the call And voice our sorrow young and old And walk we from that promised land Our souls bereft and shaken To wander on Our path thus drawn The sand whose love we’ve taken

The joy of life is in the little things

Jenna — Thu, 27 Sep 2007 21:03:12 GMT

Its been a pretty hard week. My father had a massive heart attack last Wednesday. It was touch and go for a day but he pulled through and is home with me letting me pamper him this week. Coming this close to losing him helps put things in perspective. The joys of life can be found in the little things that we experience from day to day. the craziness of career, and hobbies has faded into the background and I am struck by the beauty of dappled shade, a bird outside the window and the steady breathing of my dad as he naps. Maybe this all sounds a little trite but cliches are overused for a reason - they carry truth. Make sure you tell your loved ones how you feel. Make sure you stop the roller coaster long enough to look around and appreciate all that life has to offer. Oh - and Curtis and I got a puppy - his name is Sam. I had no idea I could fall in love so fast.

My Bar Tab Is...

Jenna — Thu, 28 Jun 2007 01:43:25 GMT

My bar tab is $640.50 Smoked pot -- $10 Did acid -- $5 Ever had sex at church -- $25 Woke up in the morning and did not know the person who was next to you-- $40 Had sex with someone on MySpace -- $25 Had sex for money -- $100 Vandalized something -- $20 Had sex on your parents' bed -- $10 Beat up someone -- $20 Been jumped -- $10 Crossed dressed -- $10 Given money to stripper -- $25 Been in love with a stripper -- $20 Kissed some one who's name you didn't know --$10 Hit on some one of the same sex while at work--$15 Drive drunk -- $20 Got drunk at work, or went to work while still drunk -- $50 Used toys while having sex -- $30 Got drunk, passed out and don't remember the night before -- $20 Went skinny dipping -- $5 Had sex in a pool -- $20 Kissed someone of the same sex -- $10 Had sex with someone of the same sex -- $20 Cheated on your significant other -- $10 Masturbated -- $10 Cheated on your significant other with their relative or close friend --$20 Done oral -- $5 Got oral -- $5 Done / got oral in a car while it was moving-- $25 Stole something -- $10 Had sex with someone in jail -- $25 Made a nasty home video -- $15 Had a threesome -- $50 Had sex in the wild -- $20 Been in the same room while someone was having sex -- $25 Stole something worth over more than a hundred dollars -- $20 Had sex with someone 10 years older -- $20 Had sex with someone under 21 and you are over 27 -- $25 Been in love with two people or more at the same time -- $50 Said you love someone but didn't mean it -- $25 Went streaking -- $5 Went streaking in broad daylight -- $15 Been arrested -- $5 Spent time in jail -- $15 Peed in the pool -- $0.50 Played spin the bottle -- $5 Done something you regret -- $20 Had sex with your best friend -- $20 Had sex with someone you work with at work --$25 Had anal sex -- $80 Lied to your mate --$5 Lied to your mate about the sex being good --$25 Tally it up and Title it..."My Bar Tab Is..."

Coming Up for Air

Jenna — Mon, 25 Jun 2007 05:46:11 GMT

Got back from my conference on Thursday. Wasn't actually due back until Friday but I had to get back. Scratch all the nice things I said about my boss - she's not what I would call cool. Sometimes she can be great but after this week, I think she's really just a jerk. Slept all day Friday. Had some fun with the girls on Saturday and then spent today with my hubby laying around and watching movies. It was therapy I needed. I still don't feel ready to go back to work. Its a good thing I have Monday off or I'd be stressing it. I had this amazing conversation on the plane ride home with a colleague from work. We talked about books, movies, faith, Catholicism (her), Paganism (me) and found out we had a lot in common. I found myself cleansed of my conference garbage when I got off the plane. Its amazing how something so simple as sharing ones thoughts with another human being can make the air penetrate your lungs a bit better. Life is made up of the moments when we connect with people. I have a new resolution - I'm going to be careful of the stories I share. I think the positive ones are so much better than the bleak ones. Good night sweet hearts, its time to go... sweet dreams

No Lying Survey

Jenna — Wed, 13 Jun 2007 20:29:06 GMT

Four Lasts: 1. last beverage ->Cranberry and grapefrute sobe 2. last phone call -> 20 minutes with Erin about her daughter graduating and how much we missed her at Valhalla 3. last cd played -> Tapestry by Carol King 4. last text message -> don't text message too often so I looked it up - "No Clone Wars 4 U" from my brother Marc who works at Lucasfilm SIX HAVE YOU EVERS: 1. dated someone twice? yes - first boyfriend - together several months, apart a couple and then back together - he couldn't resist me 2. been cheated on? Possibly but I don't know 3. kissed someone & regretted it? no - never do anything I'll regret, never regret anything I do 4. lost someone special? of course 5. been depressed? yup 6. been drunk and threw up? once - Curtis held my hair and he's such a sympathy barfer that it was the clearest evidence of how much he loved me that I knew he was "the one" LIST FOUR FAVORITE COLORS: I would have to say black because it is all colors combined IN THE LAST MONTH HAVE YOU: 1. Made a new friend: Yes, several 2. Fallen out of love: sure - with a tv show, a shirt I no longer enjoy wearing, and poppy seeds (got one caught in my gum a couple of weeks ago) 3. Laughed until you cried: it seems like I do this almost every day because of the great friends I have and my boss - she has a great sense of humor about herself 5. Found out who your true friends were: Nope, I already knew. 6. Is there something you want to tell someone: I usually say it like it is all the time so this is not an issue for me 7. How many kids do you want to have? none - raising a 15 year old step son is enough and frankly - he's the best! 8. Do you have any pets? 2 cats, several fish, and Curtis 9. Do you wanna change your name: I toy with the idea of taking Curtis's last name but I also toy with the idea of having him take mine :) 10. What did you do for your last birthday: sex, lots of sex 11. What time did you wake up today? 5:30 a.m. 12. What were you doing at 8:00 last night? okay - this is probably too much information but - lying naked on the couch in the family room working on my laptop 13. Name something you CANNOT wait for? hmmmm, a Captain's Dotter CD, my conference to be over 14 Last time you saw your father? Memorial day weekend he joined by brothers and sisters and I for the Star Wars Convention - a blast was had by all 15. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life? I don't think I'd change anything except to be fabulously rich so that I didn't have to work and all my family and friends never had to worry about money again 16. Have you ever talked to Tom? no 17. Who's getting on your nerves right now? my boss 18. Most visited webpage? lots of work webpages but personnally - mudcat, cnn.com, moveon.org and now tribe 19. Coke or Pepsi? coke - diet please If you answered honestly to all these, repost as- no lying survey

Living in Sin

Jenna — Wed, 13 Jun 2007 03:13:53 GMT

Forgive me Mother for I have sinned. I'm working too much and not playing enough. These next two weeks are likely to be insane at work and I don't even know how to find time to scratch my watch and wind my butt. The good side is that I'll be done after the 22nd and work will slow down to a normal roar. I certainly feel like the hamster on the wheel today. The only good distraction is watching my hubby flex his muscles unloading our faire stuff from the trailer and getting online to see what cool stuff my friends are up to these days. Life is short - make sure we all take the time to breathe it all in.

Lost and Found

Jenna — Tue, 12 Jun 2007 03:09:23 GMT

Well for many years I have avoided joining tribe. However, like many others, I cannot resist Gina and she created a Captain's Dotter tribe so here I am. I hesitated in the past because I rarely have time to view sites like this and I wouldn't want to be unresponsive to my friends if they reach out to me. I made some amazing new friends this year at Valhalla faire - welcome to this crazy redhead's world. I also got to know a few aquaintances much better. The faire was joyful and full of magic. Thanks to all of you who shared yourselves with me. Life is full of joys right now and I am grateful for those that have newly come into my life. "red gestures tie us to the kites of our best" ~ benjamin l. perez