Runs With Scissors
Fire, no smoke. Goddesses everywhere, help me.
Fri, January 4, 2008 - 3:16 PM
Yes, today is day 4 without a cigarette.
It is not as hard as I thought it would be. It is much, much, much MUCH MUCH harder.
Imagine if....you could never buy shoes again.
Imagine if.....you could never eat chocolate again.
Imagine if....you had to stop dancing.
Its all that and worse. (okay, maybe not as bad as stopping dancing...but hey, I'm only on day 4, cut me some slack).
I know smoking is bad, unhealthy, socially unacceptable, all of that. But you know what?
I like it. I REALLY like smoking. Its stupid, I know. But I can't help it. Giving up something you don't like is easy. Giving up something that you really like and enjoy is damned hard.
Each day has gotten a bit easier, but not much. I have identified my key "times" that I crave smoking. I have been told that is important to do - yet I am not sure why. Other than the fact that my husband is now able to set "tantrum alarms" and leave the room when one is about to manifest. I have also identified that it is not nicotine that I like...its the actual act of smoking. The inhaling, and the smoke going into my lungs. (Maybe I was a dragon in a former life?) - the Nicorette burned my throat and made me throw up. Still wanted a smoke. My internal temperature regulator is out of control...I'm mostly hot or burning up. I sweat constantly. Have NO idea if this is normal or not. I eat a lot of ice. And pee a lot. I get angry for very small things. I am irritated when people say "I'm proud of you". I want to hit them. I want to scream "What the hell have YOU ever given up that makes we WANT you to be proud of me??!!" I smashed a glass the other day because something had dried onto it that I couldn't get off. I have no idea if this is normal either. Probably, it isn't.
I am still clinging to my usual thought/security blankets that support my habit:
"Smoking is sexy". (Its true - many men have told me they thought so, and there are thousands of fetish sites out there to prove it).
"If its the ONLY bad habit I have (mostly true) then how bad can it be? Its not like I'm a pack a day...".
"My dad smoked since he was 13, and died of skin cancer. His Dr. said his lungs were fine."
"I'm going to die anyways, why not die happy?"
"Smoking is legal, cigarettes are a legal product. I can smoke if I want to."
"I've given up SO MUCH ELSE in my life to be healthy (hamburgers, sugar, all kinds of wonderful things) WHY do I have to give up something else??"
I know these thoughts are not rational, but they are there.
I confess - the "smoker's lungs" at the Bodyworlds 3 Exhibition hit a chord.
I've been told that it isn't so much "giving up a habit" as it is "making a positive life change". I've been told to avoid situations that stimulate my desire to smoke. For me, this means I can no longer eat, drink, talk on the phone, have sex, read, drive, take the bus, or in fact, leave my house. I must now become an anorexic celibate sociopathic recluse. Makes me wonder if the change is really all that positive.
My solace is that I have discovered "Calms" - the mildest of homeopathic tranquilizers. It doesn't really fix anything, but it makes me care quite a bit less. Just my luck - next year, I'll be writing about quitting my Calms addiction.
All I keep thinking is...something good better fucking come of this. Really, really good. I damned well better wake up one day feeling the best I've ever felt, because it sure hasn't happened yet. I better be able to freakin' pee gold and fart rainbows because I'm still not sure this is all worth it.
Goddesses everywhere, help me. And DO NOT tell me how fucking proud you are of me because so fucking help me I'll hunt you down and force feed you an entire pack.
Fri, January 4, 2008 - 3:16 PM -
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Fri, January 4, 2008 - 3:30 PM
Don't worry, i'm not going to say it. I am going to say "amen, sisterfriend" however, because i quit a 7 year long pack a day habit about 6 years ago, cold turkey. And I still miss it.
I loved smoking. So much so that I replaced cigarettes with joints for some time - not a pack a day exactly, but the ACT of smoking was what I wanted, nicotine was just the gravy on top of two lungfuls of satisfaction dipped in sunshine. My husband (boyfriend at the time) and I locked ourselves in our apartment for 4 days with penny candy and crosswords to keep our hands busy. I found that when I had something to "tinker" with - playing solitaire, sewing something, picking at paint chips, whatever - I forgot what I was craving and just thought I was restless and cranky for several weeks. By the time we were able to go out into public again 4 days after locking ourselves in, I was no less angry, but now I had 4 days behind me that I wasn't willing to throw away because of my weak willpower. Without getting too far into an unsolicited cheerleading session for you, I will say this: Psychologically, it takes 42 days to form a habit. I tried to think of my quitting process as forming a new habit. Placebo or not, on day 42 I actually felt some small twinge of accomplishment, and things seemed to get easier. Workled for me anyways. That, and weed. And lots of Hot Tamales. And verbally abusing everyone who so much as looked at me for the first 2 weeks. I have asthma, so quitting for me was something that had to be done, whether or not I wanted to. But I still miss it. So rage on, sister. I won't sugar coat it and say it gets easier, because that's a fucking lie. But you're doing the right thing. |
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Fri, January 4, 2008 - 4:15 PM
It's such a toughy. I know exactly where you are. I fucking loved smoking (10 year full time habit followed by a 3 year part time habit). I still do it from time to time (usually drinking/ stress related) but have not really had a everyday smoking habit since getting pregnant the last time (2005). But man I love the feeling of holding a smoke in my fingers. I agree it's the whole process and ritual I miss the most. But now it makes me feel pretty sick. I get ciggie hangovers. I take this as a sign that my dance with smoking is coming to a close.
I ate pocky and black twizzlers (something in the black licorice reminded me of smoking as did inhaling through the twizzler) , twisted worry beads and chewed on straws. The straw was great for the finger to mouth habit I love so much. You'll do fine. And if you don't conquer it this time, you will the next. Big hugs to you! |
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Unsu...
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Sat, January 5, 2008 - 7:05 PM
ah yea I know about smoking fetish. I had a slave offer me great money for a smoking session. And a woman opening a cigar place in cT offered to hire me for the grand opening as a harem girlI told her I dont smoke I dance. (hmm I passed I dont smoke especaly being a dancer and fitness guru my whole life. My guy is going to quit so it drives me nuts(he gets figidy) but at least I donot have to have the stench no more around me, yukk . Good luck dear its hard but your better off not doing it
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Sat, January 5, 2008 - 11:43 PM
....but LOOK at your writing Lise, that was brilliant........maybe now is the time to enter a scrabble contest.......
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Sun, January 6, 2008 - 11:10 AM
I completely identify with everything you said. I quit smoking five years ago, and I still miss it TERRIBLY. I wasn't a heavy smoker, but I used to spend my nights up working on my screenplays, smoking and drinking black coffee... such a cliche, but that was some of the best creative time I ever had. The day I chose to give it up as a regular habit, was the day I discovered my Nana (my Dad's Mum) had died of emphysema due to smoking.
I still indulge every so often in a smoke - when I'm at a party, or a special event. I have maybe four to five ciggarettes a year, and I'm okay with that. I realize that even with that little amount, there are risks. But I broke the addictive pattern associated with creative output, and I'm glad for that because I'm not always in the greatest shape for dancing as it is - I think I'd be in much worse shape if I needed to have a smoke before or after class or performances too. When I really miss it, is when I'm writing. Sucking in that smoke, exactly as you said - perhaps we should start a group called 'Dragon's Anon'. ;) However, that doesn't mean that having one once in awhile is the right thing for you - it just means you need to find what works for you. If that means breaking a glass or two, so be it! |
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Fri, February 1, 2008 - 5:53 PM
get yourself a copy of the book "Allen Carr's Easy Way to Quit Smoking". There are several out there (for women, workbooks etc) you just need the regular, original one. It's about $10. Trust me. Read this book.
I know you *think* you love smoking. I used to believe that too. There IS freedom waiting for you. Fight for it. |
