My Words

Mistakes are made

Miriam — Sun, 31 May 2009 01:05:49 GMT

Wondering how to separate the wheat from the chaff. I met someone and he seemed to be gold... I was fooled again. All that glitters is not gold.

Reality Check

Miriam — Wed, 20 May 2009 13:47:21 GMT

A friend sent me this today and I wanted to think aloud about it. First is what they sent me and below that is my rambling... Real Men don't slap her around a few times and teach her a lesson... Real Men don't say she's dumb, bitch or slut. Real Men know she's a human being, a girl that deserves to be loved and respected. Not used and thrown out like a piece of trash. A "man" should NEVER hit a woman. And should never force his girl to have sex with him, that's not something you do to the person you supposedly love. Real men will love unconditionally, and want to keep that love forever. Real men are proud to be with their woman in any situation, public or private. Real men will be there when she has needs, and only you can comfort her. Real men care more about their woman than about themselves. Real men will support their women in all they do, share their dream, and revel in their accomplishments And Real love is what Men and Women should want. And now here is my random thoughts... Somewhere I lost my way. I have repeatedly accepted men (and women) who do not respect me. Is my self-esteem really that low that I blindly take what people dish out? Why do I do this? I fall for those who talk a good game but to not act with the same intent. Words are beginning to have no meaning. Obviously this (male) friend wanted to show me not all men are like what I have experienced. I know this. I would have given up long ago if I didn't. I also know I am not perfect and have made more than a few mistakes of my own. Do I set my expectations too low because I feel like damaged goods? More than likely. I accept too much crap and I forgive too easily. Where does one draw the line? When does it become too much? How do I figure this out? When do my mistakes make theirs acceptable? My mom said I always see the diamond in the rough. Is this optimism or a flaw? I excel at seeing the good in people. Seeing the best side blinds me to the worst. At which point does the balance point tip? When does the bad outweigh the good? My line in the sand is not clear enough. How do people decide what is forgivable and what isn't? Is that part of what is broken with me? Yes it is. I loved my parents and they did NOT set a good example for me. I set out on my own too young with little guidance and have been trying to figure out things ever since. I make terrible choices based on hope. I believe in people. I trust people. In return I get hurt. How does a person get hurt without becoming jaded? How do I keep my faith in people? Some of what my friend sent is good reminders of what is not acceptable. Some seems like it is unattainable.

Fresh Start

Miriam — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 08:45:31 GMT

Re-entering the dating scene again. Getting used to all the different online choices. This is all so different than it used to be. Used to be you had to get to know someone fairly well before seeing all they had to offer. I am not a prude by any means but a little mystery goes a long way to build desire.

Personality waa personality!

Miriam — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 22:27:19 GMT

Result for The LONG Scientific Personality Test ... ENTP - The Inventor You scored 64% I to E, 42% N to S, 52% F to T, and 74% J to P! The single word that describes your type is "inventor", and you belong to the larger group called rationals. You love to tinker with things and come up with new ideas. You are outgoing and curious with an insatiable appetite for knowledge. You have no real desire to lead, only doing so if there is no other way. 2% of the population share your personality type. You are a flirtatious and energetic romantic partner, fun and engaging, always looking for something unusual to try. In your enthusiasm, you may make promises you can't keep. Your competitive nature and need to be perceived as an expert can be daunting to a romantic partner at times. You so enjoy the tug of a good debate that sometimes you act as if you don't take anything seriously. You are usually very supportive and helpful to your mate, but somewhat scattered and unable to devote your full attention there. You feel most appreciated for your great ideas, unusual perceptiveness, and ability to understand and communicate with people. You feel most appreciated when your partner understands your need for lots of social contact and your need to live life as spontaneously as possible. Your group summary: rationals (NT) Your type summary: ENTP Compared to other takers * 69/100 You scored 64% on I to E, higher than 69% of your peers. * 48/100 You scored 42% on N to S, higher than 48% of your peers. * 65/100 You scored 52% on F to T, higher than 65% of your peers. * 88/100 You scored 74% on J to P, higher than 88% of your peers. http://www.helloquizzy.com/tests/the-long-scientific-personality-test

Been on Vacation

Miriam — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 01:22:18 GMT

Went camping for a week with close to 1500 of my friends... Had a pretty good time overall. I didn't overspend my budget, didn't get overly tipsy, and didn't cause any drama. Just had a laid back experience, only wish I had gotten out and had more fun.

My Birthday

Miriam — Tue, 18 Mar 2008 16:02:04 GMT

I am going into New Orleans to wander the French Quarter today. I love old buildings and odd shops. Addition: drinking on Bourbon Street... something called a hand grenade?

Traveling Again

Miriam — Sat, 08 Mar 2008 12:55:55 GMT

Going to Mississippi for a week, next spend a few days in New Orleans to see some friends and celebrate my birthday, then to Arkansas to work for a friend for a few days and finally spend the weekend in SW Missouri before heading home. Breaking the destination codes... Off to Gulf Wars, next spend time with the folks who own Odyssey Coffee, then help Drx organize his back stock of Calontir Trim, the Coronation of Belle and Anton. Isn't the SCA grand?

Random Test results...

Miriam — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 09:49:18 GMT

You Are a Blue Flower A blue flower tends to represent peace, openness, and balance. At times, you are very delicate like a cornflower. And at other times, you are wise like an iris. And more than you wish, you're a little cold, like a blue hydrangea. http://www.blogthings.com/whatcolorflowerareyouquiz/ and... What Your Favorite Color Purple Says About You: Intuitive --- Seeking --- Creative Kind --- Self-Sacrificing --- Growth Oriented Strong --- Very Wise --- Rare http://www.blogthings.com/whatdoesyourfavoritecolorsayaboutyouquiz/ and... the bubble blower pose Bubble Blowers live in a constant state of reinvention. They thrive on trying new things — foods, countries, careers — and their look is always changing (from mod to soup dragon to robot chic). This endless string of transformations would be disorienting if it weren't for the one constant in their lives: the reconnection they find night after night in The Bubble Blowers pose. The Bubble Blower is a Sea pose. Other Sea poses a Bubble Blower might explore: Cliffhanger and The Colon. The Bubble Blower is a classic Sea pose, meaning its focus is on symmetry and synchronicity. To deepen the experience of the pose, try playing the Mirror Game (sit knee-to-knee and maintain eye contact as slowly you move your hands, heads, necks, and midriffs in concert) in the hour before bedtime. http://www.evany.com/sleeptest/

A friend in need is a friend indeed

Miriam — Mon, 31 Dec 2007 22:04:38 GMT

So one of my closest friends is having a personal tragedy. Her father passed this holiday season. I met him a few times and he was a really nice guy. My friend is REALLY upset. I am rushing down to the OKC area to help her family through this time. The funeral is set for January 2nd. A hell of a way to ring in the new year. When my dad died I was cut off from my friends and family. I was in a bad relationship and only had sporadic contact with my mom. Also the way my dad died there was no closure. There was no funeral, no wake and no services. Just he was around and then he wasn't. But knowing my childhood that isn't surprising how things ended for him. I hope I can be the right kind of support.

Away for the holidays

Miriam — Thu, 20 Dec 2007 09:48:26 GMT

Have a great holiday season and celebrate however you choose! Try not to get overly stressed. Enjoy the people around you. I know I will have to work at both... http://i243.photobucket.com/albums/ff234/scaweaver/077485772.gif http://i243.photobucket.com/albums/ff234/scaweaver/SKelley_16NOVEMBER07NOLA.jpg

Numerology?

Miriam — Wed, 19 Dec 2007 18:44:59 GMT

So I found this interesting widget on the web and tried it.... http://www.paulsadowski.com/Numbers.asp My results... There are 18 letters in your name. Those 18 letters total to 82 There are 7 vowels and 11 consonants in your name. What your first name means: Hebrew Female Rebellious. In the Old Testament, Miriam was the sister of Moses and Aaron. Biblical Female Rebellion Armenian Female Biblical name meaning rebellious. Your number is: 1 The characteristics of #1 are: Initiating action, pioneering, leading, independent, attaining, individual. The expression or destiny for #1: A number 1 Expression denotes the skilled executive with keen administrative capabilities. You must develop the capacity to be a fine leader, sales executive, or promoter. You have the tools to become an original person with a creative approach to problem solving, and a penchant for initiating action. Someone may have to follow behind you to handle the details, but you know how to get things going and make things happen. You have a good mind and the ability to use it for your advancement. Because of these factors, you have much potential for achievement and financial rewards. Frequently, this expression belongs to one running a business or striving to achieve a level of accomplishment on ones talents and efforts. You have little need for much supervision, preferring to act on your own with little restraint. You are both ambitious and determined. Self-confident and self-reliant must be yours, as you develop a strong unyielding will and the courage of your convictions. Although you fear loneliness, you want to be left alone. You fear routine and being in a rut. You often jump the gun because you are afraid of being left behind. The negative attributes of the 1 Expression are egotism and a self-centered approach to life. This is an aggressive number and if it is over-emphasized it is very hard to live with. You do not have to be overly aggressive to fulfill your destiny. The 1 has a natural instinct to dominate and to be the boss; adhering to the concept of being number One. Again, you do not have to dominate and destroy in order to lead and manage. Your Soul Urge number is: 6 A Soul Urge number of 6 means: With a number 6 Soul Urge, you would like to be appreciated for your ability to handle responsibility. Your home and family are likely to be a strong focus for you, perhaps the strongest focus of your life. Friendship, love, and affection are high on your list of priorities for a happy life. You have a lot of diplomatic tendencies in your makeup, as you a able to rectify and balance situations with an innate skill. You like working with people rather than by yourself. It is extremely important for you to have harmony in your environment at all times. The positive side of the 6 Soul Urge produces a huge capacity for responsibility; you are always there and ready to assume more than your share of the load. If you possess positive 6 Soul Urges and express them, you are known for your generosity, understanding and deep sympathetic attitude. Strong 6 energy is very giving of love, affection, and emotional support. You may have the inclination to teach or serve your community in other idealistic ways. You have natural abilities to help people. You are also likely to have artistic and creative leanings. If you have an over-supply of 6 energy in your makeup, you may express some of the negative traits common to this number. With such a strong sympathetic attitude, it is easy to become too emotional. Sometimes the desires to render help can be over done, and it can become interfering and an attitude that is too protective, rather than helpful. The person with too much 6 energy often finds that people tend to take advantage of this very giving spirit. You may tend to repress your own needs so that you can cater to the demands from others. At times, there may be a tendency in this, for becoming over-loaded with such demands, and as a result become resentful. Your Inner Dream number is: 4 An Inner Dream number of 4 means: You dream of being a very solid citizen that people can depend upon. You strive for organization and predictable order. You want to be recognized as a person with a plan and the discipline to make that plan work like clockwork.

Sad Day

Miriam — Wed, 14 Nov 2007 07:31:03 GMT

Today we lost almost everything in our 175 gallon salt water tank. As of now we have 1 fish left out of 7, no starfish, no snails, and most of the other plant/animal life is dead and or sick. Don't know how or why just saddened by the loss of such beautiful fish. (OK and NOT happy about the lost $$$... I think our cheapest fish was $40) I am going to go curl up now...

New Business

Miriam — Mon, 05 Nov 2007 10:23:00 GMT

I am starting a new business (I hope). I set up a home studio to make stained glass. I have my first booth to sell my wares in December... I took a class and loved it. My second project was a 17 x 17 inch panel with 50 pieces in it. The teacher said I must love challenges. Boy was he right. About 50 hours later I have a beautiful panel to be proud of. Even if I can see all the things I could have done better... Wish me luck.

Wasting Time

Miriam — Thu, 25 Oct 2007 09:30:50 GMT

In my current quest to not be stressed out... or ponder painful things, I find myself wasting time. Occasionally I bury myself in meaningless activities. Ran across this test on the internet and found my results silly. From this time forward, you'll hold the title: Uber Cool Nerd God Really me? A Nerd God? Whatever...

Crossroads

Miriam — Fri, 24 Aug 2007 12:56:24 GMT

Decisions to make. Another sleepless night trying to think of the right thing to do. I am caught again at a crossroads. I can walk away or stay and fight. Neither seems right. People lately have accused me of not caring about things. They will never learn. It is a front I put out there to hide the reality that I care way too much. I wish their perceptions of me were true. If I didn't care I would sleep better. Again the details of my troubles are hidden to protect the innocent and not so innocent. Only wish I was not involved. One day hopefully soon I can walk away from the people who have been making my life hell. Hopefully I can still hold my head high and say I did the best I could.

The Five A's Relationships Need

Miriam — Tue, 06 Mar 2007 06:06:27 GMT

Someone sent this to me and it made me think.... Attention means someone else has "engaged focus on you." There is something very validating about that. Something very soothing and nurturing that you cannot really give to yourself. The next one is Acceptance. When someone accepts you as you are, with all your feelings, choices, personality traits and so on, and doesn't try and change you - that is very seductive. Many people feel loved when they are accepted. It makes us feel that this person is safe enough to risk intimacy. The third is Appreciation and gives depth to acceptance. "I admire you. I delight in you. I prize you. I acknowledge you. I appreciate you as unique." Appreciation includes gratitude and a flow of giving and receiving. Studies have also shown that one critical factor, in whether couples stay together or split, is that there must be at least a 5 to 1 ratio of appreciation to complaints. Appreciation is very important! You can acknowledge yourself and pat yourself on the back, but a word of appreciation from someone you love and admire speaks volumes. The fourth is Affection. This one is the one that most of the singles I work with find the most challenging and the one they miss the most. Generally we think of affection as physical, and that is important. We know that babies will die without being held and stroked by another human being. Physical affection improves the immune system and has many health and psychological benefits. The word affection comes from affect, which means feeling. So affection refers to the emotional as well as the physical. It includes kindness, thoughtfulness, considerateness, playfulness and romantic gestures. These are all expressions of love and we feel good when we give them to someone else as well as when we receive them. The last one is Allowing. When someone allows you to be 100% yourself, you feel safe to reveal your deepest wishes, needs and dreams. And it is sharing that with another person, who also shares theirs with you, that makes relationships worth the effort. This is where the richness of life is really found.

MIA

Miriam — Tue, 06 Mar 2007 05:38:39 GMT

OK I haven't posted since mid-December... I have been busy, burned out, and going through the roller coaster that is my life. Many things have happened and many have stayed the same. Some are good things and some not so much. OK I know that still didn't say much but I am feeling enigmatic right now. I have been traveling and working for the SCA a bit more. I have had relationship issues. I also had a bout of illness. See picture for how I look when ill...

Music of My Life

Miriam — Wed, 20 Dec 2006 04:20:56 GMT

A friend of mine asked me to pick 10 songs that describe my life. It took me a bit to come up with a list. Narrowing it down was the hardest part, but I think I did it. I didn't pick many of my favorite songs and artists but chose the lyrics that fit me more. It might have been easier to pick 20... but here goes: Bauhaus - Double Dare Everlast - What it's Like Fionna Apple - Criminal Kansas - Dust in the Wind Linkin Park - Crawling Nine Inch Nails - Closer to God Police - Wrapped Around Your Finger Stevie Nicks - Leather and Lace Tracy Bonham - Mother Mother Uncle Kracker - Follow Me

Art Chain

Miriam — Fri, 20 Oct 2006 20:01:19 GMT

A friend of mine from a long time ago posted to his page a challenge: If the 1st five people that post here keep this chain alive...I will send them something Orky! But, you have to post here, then post on your blog that you will send the first 5 posters on your blog, something arty. Do you get this? Well, figure it out then, we'll get to trading info. I accepted the challenge and further it along its path... Anyone who wants to take it to the next step contact me. Limited offer to the first five people who respond and repost. I promise something cool and made by me.

Introspection

Miriam — Thu, 19 Oct 2006 11:14:46 GMT

So I found this interactive Johari/Nohari window thang... If you have time I'd like those who want to, to follow these links and pick 5-6 words that fit me. If you decide to do the same send me the links for yours... http://kevan.org/johari?name=miriamellen http://kevan.org/nohari?name=miriamellen

Blue Moon

Miriam — Sat, 14 Oct 2006 06:58:28 GMT

So here I am again thinking about things. Some of you know I had a rough start in my life. Some didn't until reading this. I suffered many things growing up and for this I get tagged a survivor. Some days I don't feel like I survived. Some days I feel the damage that was done to me. Fall is a hard season. As kids we are trained, through schools, this is a new year. New expectations and retrospection of where we have been fill our thoughts. I get gloomy and moody when I think about where I have been. Expectations of what I could have been pull me down. Thinking of schools days reminds me of the promising young student I was. Smart, funny, bright, friendly, talented, gifted, were all things they said about me. Then they would follow with the negatives; sad, family problems, sick, broken spirit, waste, shame... the things you hear when they think you are not there. Before I was in school, I was broken, broken before I ever got to live. Many times throughout my life I was shredded to pieces. I have been trying to pick up the pieces ever since. Some parts have been discarded. Some are locked away. New things add to the piles of disappointments. My tormentors from childhood and beyond are either dead or out of my life. It doesn't matter though the damage they did still gets me. Every once in a blue moon my armor cracks and it takes a bit to put me back together again. I feel cracked right now. I'll get it back together... be patient.

Best Laid Plans

Miriam — Fri, 06 Oct 2006 07:33:18 GMT

I was planning on cataloging more of my drawings and other artwork. Like so many other times in my life other things came up instead. I have had some type of bug now for more than a week. Headaches and insomnia are my worst two symptoms. I'll get back to my plans when I feel better. For now I'll post some of the color pictures. In other news... I went to a funeral this week. I was supporting someone else, so I was a stranger to everyone there. He was family, so we were there for all the family parts of the event. It was different. The lady who died was popular in a small town and had a large family. There was a line to get into the wake for over 2 hours. I overheard that close to 500 people showed to pay their respects. The family was large, the whole middle section of the church was set aside for them to sit for the service. I was seated with the family and ended up in the middle of the church. I surprised those sitting next to me by knowing the hymns by heart. I am not a very church going type of person, but once upon a time I was. I am glad I didn't accidentally sing the filk versions I know. Actually why I am writing this bit is the different customs we have about death. I had just gotten home from a day of archeology talks about elite burials. Going to a funeral for a local elite, and my own experiences with family funerals, gave me a context for the classes I didn't expect. Traditions surrounding death vary widely even within the same family. Three of my grandparents died recently and their funerals were each different. My Grandmother Schwarz was a local elite in many ways. Hers was much like the funeral I went to this week. My Grandfather Schwarz had a military send-off complete with a flag ceremony, a bugler, and a gun salute. My Grandmother Bullard had a very religious family gathering. My father, who died many years ago, didn't have a traditional funeral. He was cremated. There was no gathering or service, and his ashes were scattered at a later date by his son. This last funeral I went to had a unique family tradition. They watched until the the gravediggers refilled the grave. I have never been to one that did that. It was harder for me than going to a wake. Seeing a person laid out is hard, but watching the tractor dump pile after pile of dirt into the grave is so very final. The services we have for people who pass reflect the people they were. Songs are chosen and eulogies are given that remind us of the person. Most have religious bits included in the ceremony. This made me think about what would happen when I pass. What ceremonial bits would they do? What would I want people to remember? What songs would they sing?

Artist Within

Miriam — Sat, 23 Sep 2006 11:07:27 GMT

So as I thinking about my life and my options during this time of career challenges, I have reconsidered being a freelance artist again. Last night I took pictures of one of my college portfolios. There were 68 pieces in it I deemed worthy of a photo. Starting next week I'll start cataloging the rest of my work. I have never done that before. It is a mixed bag of high school pieces, college work, and post college works. Next I'll tackle my pieces of art jewelry and then the boxes of ceramics I made. I have just tucked it all away in boxes and portfolios. Hopefully when I finish, I'll get inspired to do something with these things. Stowed away like it is I feel choked and stagnant. Maybe this will snap me out of my melancholy. I posted a small batch of the B&W still-life studies. I'll post some of the color works later.

Why

Miriam — Fri, 15 Sep 2006 21:17:36 GMT

Why do people do and say the things they do? In several parts of my life right now people I care about are upset or people are upsetting me. Most of it is silly politics. Some is genuine criticism. Some are big life events. All together it is too much. I want to throw my hands in the air and scream play nice dammit! If it was just one thing I would avoid the topic for awhile. But no, as I turn from one thing another rears its ugly head and pokes at me. I need a break or I will break. Unfortunately some of the very people I turn to for fun are the ones having fits now. Normally in a blog I gather people vent the specifics of whatever is on their mind. Sorry not this time. I do not need to share all the stupidity I am swimming in right now. I just want it all to go away. So instead I shared my feelings... Peace be with my friends, family and with me.

Getting Ready for Lilies

Miriam — Wed, 07 Jun 2006 08:31:50 GMT

Sewing, Sewing, Sewing... I have almost finished the sewing job I took last week. The tunics have been delivered. I am exchanging the hakama tomorrow for the money owed and the kosode if it is finished on time. I did a great job on the pants. Whew, they were a lot harder than I thought they would be. However it is some of the best sewing I have ever done. If they were in a lighter color fabric I would take pictures. Hakama have knife pleats in the front, a large box pleat in the back, and a large gusset in the crotch. I did all parts perfectly. I don't usually do pleats, and it was the nicest gusset I ever placed. (If ya can't tell I am really proud of myself!) I might be able to squeeze in one new dress for myself at this rate. I started the sloper for one before I get the sewing job. Time will tell. I wanted a couple of things but money is more important right now. I have only one more evening I can sew before Lilies. Another time drain before Lilies is getting my classes ready. My list table class is ready I have had the handouts for a couple of years ready for the next time I offered it. I try to teach it once a year. My other two classes are not ready at all. For my kumihimo class I need to rewrite the handout. My original looks like I was sleeping when I wrote it. (Total crap!) I need to make the discs too. For my tapestry class I need to make the looms. I have some left over from the last time, but I think I saw the class listed 2 times. (Eek!) That means a possibility of 20 students. I only have 5 looms ready. I also need to make more copies of the handout. I could make some of the looms on-site, but I need to buy some of the parts... And my last time drain before Lilies is getting ready. Tomorrow, Wednesday, I am running the errands I need to do before going. Food and supply run first. Then the hobby shops for loom parts. Last make the handout copies. Thursday is packing and tying up loose ends. Friday is driving the 45 minutes to site to wait in line to get where I want to camp.Then it is Lilies!!!