My Blog

Sex, Anger, and Violence

Aaron — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 22:06:41 GMT

I have maintained a regular meditation practice for a while now and I've noticed that my inner voices are kind of angry right now. Everything I've ever read has told me that meditation will clear out the surface samkaras and bring the deep samkaras to the surface. Well, I obviously have some deep stuff in relation to sex and the need to be physically and mentally superior. The interesting thing is that I am very aware of the inner dialog that is created in relation to these desires, wants, cravings, whatever they are called. I am not reacting to the thoughts that have arisen lately, I'm just observing them. Although, they seem like I'm regressing I know from all that I have read that they are actually progress. I can also tell that they are progress because of my response to my inner dialog rather than my reacting to my inner dialog. fortunately my Rigpa glimpse of the day is addressing the exact issues I am currently having with my meditation/spiritual practice. Being that I am into metaphysics, I am concerned that I will start attracting some "negative" interactions into my life with all the wild thoughts swimming around my mind. It has been taking me about 10 to 20minutes just to quiet my mind to the point that I can practice my vipassana meditation. It's intersting how much I have actually wanted to fight someone, not just verbally either, and there is no need for that ever. Fortunately, I have not acted on these thoughts/feelings but I have been hitting the weights pretty good the last 2 days, my arms are really sore. I've really wanted to argue with my supervisors at work, but none of them ever approach me anymore. I think they know how fruitless it is to try and intimidate the guy that doesn't care whether he loses his job or not. They have been taking advantage of the the poor temporary employees rather than try to tell me to do stuff they know I will refuse to do. The stereotype about government workers is so true, and it runs from top to bottom. On the sexuality front I've had some strong desires lately. So much so that I'm even having dreams about it. I am really relaxed about it all and I'm not going to go cheat on my wife or anything. It just that the desires are really strong right now. The other interesting thing is that I feel kind of empty while all of this is going on, like I'm clearing space for new more productive things to enter my life. I'm not sure how well I'm doing being present in each moment of my life but I do know that it I'm better at it than I ever was before. There is still work to be done. I really want to go meditate for another ten days again, or maybe pack a bag and head off to some foreign land for a decade or two. I have an interesting feeling that I am living one of the last of my lives, if not my very last time in human form. What I've seen so far, in and out of meditation, tells me that I'm not far from leaving the cycle of craving/aversion/becoming behind. I've seen glimpses of my past lives and I'm pretty sure I'm going to see a lot more soon, as my meditation has dug up some crazy shit. I am slowly moving past my attatchments.

Transcending All Suffering

Aaron — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 21:59:19 GMT

I got back on Sunday from my ten day Vipassana meditation course. It was way more enlightening than I ever expected. The funny thing was that as much as I was looking for a spiritual experience I found the experience to be all about the connection between the mind and body. which in the ned was incredibly spiritually enlightening. Some of the basics of the course are absolute silence alsocalled noble silence, which means no talking, singing, touching of other people, making eye contact or communicating with other people in anyway. The men and women are seperated for the duration of the course and the participant must agree to not take any intoxicants for the duration of the course. There are other rules as well but I'm not going to get into them right now. The schedule for the first 3 days is as follows. Wake up is at 4am and meditation starts at 4:30 and goes til 6:30, students can meditate in their rooms or the Dhamma Hall. Breakfast is from 6:30 until 8. Then it is back to meditating from 8am until 9am at the Dhamma Hall. At which point there is a short 5 min. break and students then come back to the hall where they are given a few short instructions. The students are then given the choice of staying in the hall to meditate or back in their rooms until 11am. From 11 until noon is lunch and from noon until 1pm is rest period. After rest period students have the option of meditating in their rooms or in the hall until 2:30pm. At 2:30 all students are to be in the hall for meditation until 3:30pm. From 3:30 until 5pm students have the option of meditating in their rooms or the Dhamma Hall. At 5pm their is a break where old students are allowed to have tea and new students may have some fruit and tea. As a new student I had fruit with my tea the first 2 days but after that I went just with tea, it just felt better for me. At 6pm all students go back to the Dhamma Hall for a 1 hour meditation. There is then a short break before an hour and 15 min. discourse which is given via video by S. N. Goenka. After the video there is a short break before all students return to the hall for a final half hour to 45 min meditation. At 9pm students go back to their rooms for any bed time prep and lights out is at 10pm. On day 1 students are taught Panna, which is focusing on the breath as it goes in and out of the nostrils an emphasis is put on not controlling the breath but just feeling the breath, This was a difficult day for me as sitting for over ten hours while just focusing on my breath wasn't so bad but sitting was becoming very painful. We were instructed to notice whatever sensation arose in the body but not to pay any attention to them as we were supposedto focus on the breath. My ass, knees, back, and neck were not enjoying this and I moved and fidgeted about a lot during my meditation.I also made a point of meditating in my room whenever possible so that I could lean against a wall and put my legs straight out in front of me. While this helped the discomfort somewhat I was still in pain and on top of that a lot of guys in my dorm would sleep during meditation time and snore. Fortunately, I had ear plugs but the distraction was still there. On day 2 we were told to focus on the sensations in the triangular area of nose that starts at the bridge of the nose and encompasses the area above the upper lip. While this day was a little bit better I was still experiencing a large amount of pain throughout my body. On day 3 we were instructed to focus on just the sensations in the area above the upper lip and below the nostrils. It was this day that I wasn't sure if I was going to make it through all 10 days as my body was experiencing pain almost everywhere almost constantly, I had never sat for over 10hours a day for 3 days before, it was intense. Day 4, Vipassana day. This day almost broke me. The schedule had a slight change in that they wanted all students at the Dhamma Hall at 2pm rather than 2:30 in order that Vipassana be taught to the students. Vipassana was taught in what seemed like a painstakingly slow way. The basic premise is that the meditator starts at the top of the head feeling for any sensations and then slowly works there way down the body part by part: neck, right shoulder, right arm, right hand, left shoulder, left arm, left hand, right side of the chest, left side of the chest, right side of the back, etc.etc. until they reach their toes and then start all over again until the alotted time has expired. The importance of this looking for sensations was to not label any sensation as being good, bad, pleasant, unpleasant, pleasureable, painful whatever. It is just a sensation feel it and then move on to the next part of the body attach no aversion or attachment to each sensation. If there was a blank spot on the body then just stay a little while longer and see if you could get a sensation while attaching no label or emotion to the searching for feeling. We were also intstructed that the meditation times of 8am til 9am, 2:30pm til 3:30pm, and 6pm til 7pm where now going to be Sittings of Strong Determination. Sittings of strong determination meaning you shouldn't move, no eye opening, no leg moving, no hand opening. The position you took at the beginning of the hour was the position you should have at the end. I was breathing very hard and my mind was freaked out at this point, I did not think I could accomplish this task. The first sitting of strong determination was not as bad as I thought but it was still very difficult. Day 5 I did my morning meditation in my room on my bunk and I was surprised to see that I made it throught 1 and 1/2 hours of the 2 hours without moving, and this was with a lot of my dorm mates snoring and fidgeting about. But of course this was with legs straight out in front of me andmy back against a wall. The first sitting of strong determination that moring I made through the whole hour with only adjusting my back to sit up straight so essentially I did it. This is where stuff got interesting. My body was feeling increasingly better the more I meditated by the end of the night I felt like going for a long run as I had no aches and pains any where,which is friggin amazing considering I had been sitting almost 50hours over the past 5 days. We were not allowed to exercise so I just chilled but I was hopping straight out of my meditation pose on to my feet at the end of each sitting and then I would bounce out of the hall. I noticed a lot of the guys all slow to get up and then stretching this way and that as well as looking tired and just miserable. Day 6 We were instructed that after we got done scanning our whole body from top to body that we should then scan from bottom to top, toes to head. I got this technique down fairly quickly and I was experiencing a sensation throughout my body which was just awesome. Day 7 We were instructed to go top to bottom and bottom to top symmetrically both arms at the same time both sides of the chest etc. I was really feeling it now. the funny part is that I had been doing everything just prior to the daythat it was taught, I was always relieved when they taught whatever it was I was already doing. I was feeling great on day 7. Day 8 we were instructed to scan the interior of our bodies. I now know what every single part of my body feels like inside and out. It is amazingly cool to truly experience sensations throught the entire body. I could feel any blank or obvious sensations internally or externally with ease. I have a few interesting ones inside that I scan a little further and stuff came up emotionally that I will not divulge here. Day 9 I was just scanning the body and experiencing free flow sensations through out my entire person. Except for the morning meditation, 4:30 am to 6:30 am, in which I saw almost my whole childhood from the age of until about the age of 12. This I am quiet sure came about after having scanned an odd blank area which lies inside of my body on the left just above my hips. I will be exploring it further while I am here at home. Day 10 The vow of Noble Silence is lifted at 10am and students are able to talk and communicate with each other. When talking about my meditations, apparently I am a bit of a rare case for a first time student to have such a wonderful experience. I think a lot of it had to do with my willingnes to meditate at all meditation times and not sleep. Which I know a lot of my dorm mates did not do. I felt absolutely no pain anywhere on my body and I felt so refreshed, excited and recharged. It was bliss but I made sure not be attached to the feeling because it, like everything else will also pass. This is the law of the universe nothing is permanent. I also made a point of not even labeling it as bliss, just another sensation. An interesting side effect of getting so in touch with the body is how much emotional and mental stuff just comes out when noticing the obvious or blank physical sensations of the body. I have learned so much about myself that this simple blog just does not do it justice. It is truly liberating. I am going to put the link to their site in case anyone is interested in checking it out. The organization is stricly donation run and they do not want donations from anyone that has not completed a 10 day course. http://www.mahavana.dhamma.org/ May all beings be happy.

Ten Days of Meditation

Aaron — Wed, 28 May 2008 17:23:27 GMT

I'm going to leave in less than an hour to start my Vipassana meditation. I'm a bit nervous about meditating for ten days straight. It is funny that this would be coming up right now because I have been feeling my ego creeping its way back into the forefront of my conciousness over the past couple of weeks. I'm very excited about cutting through some of my stuff. It's just that I've never sat still for so long, I've even fallen off of meditating everyday. I'm guessing this is just what I need to get back on track. The disconnection from the outside world will be interesting. I'm not sure that I have ever cut myself off from the rest of society for this long of a time. I am quiet sure that my true spiritual nature will be much more pronounced after this experience. I am looking forward to having my true self being layed out before me. Wow I don't know how to describe the range of emotions I am experiencing right now. I obviously need this. I am a blessed man.

Too Tired to Post

Aaron — Tue, 20 May 2008 03:35:40 GMT

I got so much to say but I'm too tired to say it right now. I'll post it all tomorrow.

Interesting Day

Aaron — Wed, 14 May 2008 02:50:08 GMT

I got a call from my best friend this afternoon and he is going through some pretty dark times. It seems like he has been having a hard time for about 6 months to a year now. He and his wife have been split up now for a little while and his job just seems to give him the run around in regards to any advancement. Things definitely took a turn for the worse when he got his first ever DUI on Sat. night. It is difficult being into metaphysics when others are not. I make sure to bring up the positive things that are still going on in his life. He said he is going to try not drinking and going to AA for 3 months. I think it is a good start, although I am not a fan of labeling the way AA labels people as alcohlics and that they will always be alcoholics. That goes entirely contrary to my belief system of that you are whatever you say and think you are. With that said I think they help an extremely large amount of people get their shit together. He also mentioned that he is planning on going back east to live near his family for at least 3 months. We both agreed that going back east while not drinking is definitely going into the belly of the beast. When we were kids growing up back there drugs and alcohol was all we did. I know for myself that whenever I go back my usage of alcohol increase dramatically and from what I here from my friend the same holds true for him. The other thing is that his mom is in pretty bad shape physically right now. That is also a rather difficult situation that he is going to try and help out with, while at the same time trying to get his own shit together. This guy has been one of my best buds for over 20 years now and it is hard to hear him in so much pain. I so badly want to turn him onto metaphysics and positive thinking but I know I can't live someone elses life for them. Having been through all sorts of weird shit in my own life, I know that a belief in a God that is omnipotent and that the power of God is always available, has been a tremendous help in dealing with the daily bullshit. Besides, having done a lot of reading and meditating I know that all of this is just an illusion or as the Buddhists say the samsara and the toltecs call it the motete. It's all fucking made up so why not make up whatever the hell we want. I love my buddy and I will pray to the universe to guide and protect him through this currently treachorous journey. In other news in my little made up world I started building my new gate on the side of my house. So far I've only spent 9$ on materials. the rest has been given to me by a friend of mine. I totally fucking rock at manifesting the things I need. And I really needed to build this gate. Sweet. I'll attach a picture of what my crappy ass temporary plywood gate looked like. Maybe later I'll let whoever the hell reads this thing see the new one when it is finished.

Mother's Day

Aaron — Mon, 12 May 2008 02:01:33 GMT

I just got off the phone with my mom after about an hour long conversation. I think it was the longest we have spoken in a while. It seems that everything is going pretty good for her. She has a tendency to worry about things that I never would worry about. This particluar conversation was fairly non-worrisome on her part. There were only a couple of times during the call that she brought up some thing or other that causes her to be afraid. Usually these things are some weird bullshit that happened somewhere near where she lives that she read about in the paper or saw on t.v. Being that I'm into metaphysics I make a concious effort to not indulge people when they bring up some tragedy that has befallen someone that they don't even know. Fortunately, my mom never stayed to long on any particular tragedy. For that matter she didn't indulge her worries about the world around her to much at all. Although she did have to bring up that some woman had been murdered somewhere near where my mom likes to hike. My mom is pretty cool and she has been really strong considering a lot of the bullshit she went through in her life. The older I get the more I appreciate my mom, as well as my dad. I always go on the belief that we all do the best that we can with what we know how to do at the time. I am grateful for my mom, for all of her insecurities she taught me how to be strong and to survive. As well as compassionate and caring for those less fortunate than myself. I love you Mom.

Floatation

Aaron — Fri, 09 May 2008 00:32:14 GMT

I just got done my first ever floatation tub experience and it is totally awesome.I did a 90 minute floatation at Eternity Blissin Oakland. It was like the best meditation experience I've ever had. I was completely relaxed after I got over my initial compulsion to try and float. There is nothing to do and as I learned to relax my muscles the weightless feeling was undescribeable. I did a lot of affirmations during this floatation experience, such as releasing my ego on my out breathes, as well as combining my mind with the mind of the Buddha, Christ,or Universal Mind. So much happened yet at the same time nothing happened. I've never had an experience quiet like it. I will definitely do it again. Now I feel energized but at the same time incredibly relaxed. It's kind of like tripping in that the experience is hard to describe to someone else that has never tripped before. I feel good and I'm releasing my ego. Sweet.

Giving and Receiving

Aaron — Wed, 07 May 2008 03:53:29 GMT

Well today was a busy day. I needed to mow my lawn today, which I did, but once I was done I decided to mow the lawn across the street. The house across the street has been vacant since January, one of those bullshit variable loan foreclosures, and the grass was getting pretty high. The high grass definitely was getting to the point of having the house look vacant, which is kind of uncool. After I got done a friend of mine pulled up with two pressure treated 4x4s and three pressure treated 2x4s. He knew I needed these materials to build a new gate on the side of my house. He just gave them to me and asked for nothing in return, even after I offered. He also gave me the pipe and coupling I need to fix my sprinkler system in my front yard. Plus, he gave me the primer and pipe cement I need to put the irrigation together. This is very cool considering I had come to terms with the fact that I was going to have to wait until my financial situation improved before I could complete these projects. This just helped me reaffirm how abundantly blessed I really am. It's not money I need to feel abundance, it's love, compassion, and friendship. Life is such a beautiful journey and any act of giving, whether it be time, money, or talents, will always return to me heaped up pressed down and running over. I am a blessed individual. I guess I'll be making a gate and fixing my irrigation system this weekend. Cool.

Weekend Parenting, Abundance, and Gratitude

Aaron — Tue, 06 May 2008 03:53:26 GMT

I had a pretty mellow weekend. It was very nice to hang out with my son. It is odd being a weekend parent. It seems that right about the time we get comfortable with each other it is time for him to go back to his mom's house again. We went on a nice long bike ride through Wildcat Canyon. It was about a 9 mile ride and we saw some wild foxes along the way. I ride much faster than he does so there were several instances along the way when I just got to ride along by myself or wait for him and get into a rather nice meditative state. Being out in Nature always has a very calming effect upon me. I feel much more connected with the Universe when outside, especially outside in a rural setting. Today, it was back to work at the job that I still currently maintain. The whole idea of having 2 days to myself seems incredibly weird to me, not only that but just feeling like my job is the source of my abundance, rather than God, is also incredibly obtuse. I am knowing intellectually that God is the source of my supply, not my job. Getting into that feeling place spiritually is where the challenge has lied. I believe that God is the source of my supply my ego based fears are the only thing that holds me back from feeling it fully everyday. The church I go to always says that it is done unto you as you believe, and I believe that God is the source of my supply. The abundance in my life couldn't be anymore obvious. I live in a country where it is much more difficult to stay skinny that it is to stay fat. How much more obvious could it be than that one simple fact. Yet, I seem to find myself always wanting more in all areas of my life, except for food. Interestingly enough though I don't consider myself a very materialistic person. As a matter of fact the more I work on my spirituality the less material plane I crave. The main reason I want monetary abundance is so that I no longer feel the need for money. I don't want fancy cars, big houses or electronic gadgets. I want to travel and volunteer my time throughout other places in the world that need a helping hand. In other life happenings I've been continuing to teach myself the banjo. It is cool to learn an instrument. I've noticed that people that live a long life are always learning new things. I like learning new things, especially in a non classroom environment. If anybody reads this particular posting would you like to teach me something? I recently put it out to the universe that I would like to meet 2 new people. The first one I would like to be my spiritual guide helping me on my quest for enlightenment. The second one I would like to be my business mentor. Someone that could guide me in making my business successful in order that I may help others as while at the same time helping myself. Or, the ideal sage/guru would be able to do both. Gratitude. I am grateful for, my son, my wife, my dog, my health, my home, my money, my business, my stocks, my happiness, my local libraries, my blog, my computer, my friends, my family, my neighbors, my bike, my car, my ex-wife, my boss, my job, cops, robbers, government, anarchists, Buddhists, Christians, the earth, the stars, the moon, trees, my eyes, my mouth, my dick, my hands, spring, summer, fall, winter, global cooling, my church, people that make me feel uncomfortable, people that annoy me, people that get me feeling mad, organic farmers, organic fruits and vegetables, you, and me, my ego, my spirit, the one mind, my inner buddha, my inner christ. I am.

Big Time Karmic Retribution?

Aaron — Sat, 03 May 2008 05:11:00 GMT

To begin todays most interesting story, some history must first be given in order that if there is ever a reader of this post they may fully comprehend what has happened. Twelve years ago I was at the pinnacle of my weed growing career. I was living in a small cabin in the woods of Mendocino County. Mind you this was at a time when C.A.M.P. was still flying their helicopters and the general level of paranoia was quiet high, no pun intended, amongst the growing community. Anyway, my wife at the time convinced me to take on her brother as a partner in my outdoor grow operation. I wasn't very keen on the idea, but I did it, because she really wanted me to do this for him and to kind of teach him the ropes as well as make him a few dollars. Right from the start of the season there were problems and to not get into to many details I will share some of the basics. I had decided to share one main plot with her brother being my helper. This was a gorgeous south facing area a couple of miles into the woods away from my cabin. The work was hard, as guerrilla farming at that time tended to be. After having done this sort of thing for a few years I had this spot in particular very well dialed in. The soil mixtures were perfect, my water system was awesome, the strains of weed I had, some of which I had created, totally kicked ass, and my fertilizing during the growing season was very good as well. As the season wore on my relationship with my ex-brother-in-law went from bad to worse. Eventually, after I had sexed all of the plants and eliminated all of the males, he ended up stealing all fourteen females that were in this spot at the end of August. First of all, none of the plants were completely mature at this point. Yet, I was extremely pissed because I was well aware that each plant would have yielded at least a pound of dried manicured killer bud. This is a very conservative estimate as it is very possible that they could, and probably would have yielded much more. Also, the going price for this quality of weed was anywhere from $3,000 to $5,000 a pound. The most basic of math would tell you that I had just lost at least $40,000 to $50,000, conservatively. For a guy in his early twenties this was a substantial set back. I was left with just a couple of plants that I had grown up in oak trees in ten gallon buckets. These would barely cover my headstash for the year and there was no way I was going to sell them. To add fuel to the fire my ex-wife left me two days later, taking our 2 year old son with her . It was the most pissed off I had ever been in my entire life! I had worked incredibly hard that year as well as previous years. I had maintained a full time construction job, while in the evenings I would haul 50lb. and 25lb. bags of various soils, fertilizers, and shits (horse, bat, cow, sheep) on my back into the woods. Plus fencing, to keep out deer, and stuff to put my water system together. Plus digging holes and various other chores that go with this type of gardening. granted my ex- brother-in-law had done some of this work with me but this was my 3rd year doing it and I was set to score some nice cash. For the first and subsequently only time in my life, I seriously considered killing another human being, my ex-brother-in-law. It was at this point that I had a very fortunate epiphany. There is nothing in this world worth killing another human being for. So, I decided to pack up my stuff and move back to society and maybe just grow a plant here and there to enjoy by myself or share with friends. It took huge amounts of work for me to forgive my ex-brother-in-law. I knew that it was important for me to do so and with the work I have been doing over the years I had even gotten to the point that if a memory of him ever came up that I would stop my animosity and bless him and wish him well, sincerely. Fast forward to today and fucking wow! I went to pick up my son this afternoon and who just happened to be with my son and his mom when they got out of the car at their house in Ukiah? That is right, none other than my ex-brother-in-law! Not only that but I hardly recognized him because my ex-wife had just picked him up from the hospital. It looked like his chin had been broken down the middle and both of his jaws dislocated. It was hard to tell with the huge bandage over his chin and his stitched up bottom lip that was stuck up over his top lip. The whole bottom of his face was just all swollen and fucked up. I said hello to him and was cordial but he just looked at me and walked past. I don't think he could have responded verbally even if he wanted to. My son told me that his uncle got his jaw broken while sparing in Oakland. He also said that they could only operate on one jaw because they had to wait for a specialist to come in to operate on the other one. At this point I am thinking, I have not seen this guy in well over 8 or 9 years what are the odds I would happen to see him on the day he gets out of the hospital with a severely broken jaw? I'm not saying that God broke this guys jaw in order that I could see it and know that Karma is a real thing, but what the fuck? I have literally been smiling ever since I saw him this evening. I even broke out into laughter a couple of times. I am doing my best to send the man best wishes and blessings. I am pretty certain that the guy doesn't have any insurance either and that would have to hurt just as much as the fucked up face. I had let go of my issues with this guy a long time ago, as a matter of fact I rarely even thought about him. I am quiet certain that his negative karma must run much deeper than the perceived wrongs he had done towards me in the past. If anyone ever reads this please send your blessing, prayers, positive thoughts, and good energy for his speedy recovery not just physically but also spiritually.

Mayday

Aaron — Fri, 02 May 2008 01:38:20 GMT

So, today is Mayday. I'm not a Pagan, but I am really into the changes of the season and the earth and other stuff that Pagans might appreciate. My challenges of beng peaceful, calm, loving, and centered always seem to be brought forth at my place of work. I think God is sending me some pretty obvious sign that I shouldn't be there, or maybe that I should so I can develop myself more completely as a spiritual being. I have found myself being surrounded by negativity at my place of employment. I am not getting caught up in it like I did in the past but it does tend to create an inner dialog during the rest of the day. This inner dialog is always full of conflict and very argumentative with those at my place of employment. The bright side is I am aware of it much quicker and I am able to send forgiveness, love, blessings, and prayers of guidance to those I have this temporary animosity towards. If anyone ever reads this I ask that you please send your best wishes/prayers to myself and others at my work that we may become a more compassionate group working together. It is funny how calm and enlightened I feel when at home alone, as compared to when I am working my job. I am incredibly pleased at my spirits ability to slowly take over my life and get me to live from my higher self rather than my ego. I pray to the Buddhas, Christs, and other enlightened beings for their guidance. I ask them to fill me with the light of peace, unconditional love, happiness and joy. I feel that my life is transitioning in regards to my material plane. I have been slowly trusting God more and more that he is the source of my supply and not any job that I may have. This has been an extremely hard truth for me to learn and my ego based fear has a strong hold on me in regards to money and having a job. I give away money on a regular basis, yet my feeling of abundance has been slower to manifest within me than I thought it would. I know that I live within an abundant universe and God wants me to feel the full effects of the abundance of this human experience so I must let go and let God be the source of my incredibly abundant life. I am blessed with abundance in all areas of life, health, wealth, and loving relationships. And so it is!

My Wednesday or How I progressed today.

Aaron — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 23:06:44 GMT

Today I felt tired after having woke up last night around 3 am. I usually don't ever use caffeine but I had some green tea this morning to help me make it through the day. My work was very busy and I worked straight through my 7 1/2hrs. with no breaks. The end of the month and first of the month are always busy at my job. I found myself being annoyed and argumentative in regards to my inner dialog but I was very quick to notice it and but an end to it before I fed the negativity for to long. It was especially trying because the leadership at my work has not hired anyone new in my department to help with the increasingly falling behind workload. It has been a good challenge for me to stop the inner dialog I have with my supervision, or lack there of, and send those in authority at my work love and blessings. But, I was able to do so all day long even after being hungry and tired. Hunger tends to make me a bit more irritable, but I kept on the path of love towards all mankind despite not having a lunch break. May the universe bless those in charge at my work and guide them in their decision, or lack there of, making process. Now I'm going to take Guido to the dog park so he can stretch his legs and have his happy dog time. Thank god for the Chuck-it the person who invented that contraption deserves every penny.

Blogging & Spirituality

Aaron — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 03:28:55 GMT

In my efforts to become a more enlightened being I have decided that I should start journaling on a daily basis. Since nobody reads my blog thought I thought I would start doing it here. For the past couple of years I have made great progress in becoming a more enlightened being. I truly feel that I am living less and less from my ego and more and more from my higher self. I have been attending a Science of Mind church for a year, I meditate on a regular basis (not quite daily yet but I'm getting there), I volunteer at my church and at a non-profit, I'm learning how to play an instrument, and I'm generally more of a responder than a reactor type of person these days. With that said there are still many things for me to work on. I have recently been working my way through the Religious section of my library. Although, I have avoided the Christianity part until a little later. Basically all religions are saying the same friggin thing anyway. Currently I am reading the Tibetan Book of Living and Dying. I just finished the section where Sogyal Rinpoche writes about the difference between compassion and pity. This has been working around in my inner dialog all day I feel that is important for me to be coming from a place of compassion rather than pity in my efforts to better myself and help others. Pity seems to be more about my own ego where as compassion seems to be from true unconditional love. Unconditional love has been a bit of a stumbling block for me, although I feel I am getting more and more accepting and less judgemental of others. I am slowly becoming aware of the fact that we are all one and to create peace, love, and understanding in the world it must first be accomplished within myself. The realization that we are all truly one is becoming more and more glaringly apparent for me henceforth my unconditional love and compassion for all sentient beings should come forth with that awareness. I am also working on incorporating small disciplines into my life in order that my life may run more smoothly with less inner dailog in regards to guilt and blame. Yet, I have also learned to be kind and gentle with myself in regards to not always accomplishing my smaller disciplines. I just pick back up and start again without beating myself up about not succeed as well as I would have hoped the previous time. Speaking of which it is time to go do the dishes. Here is to me journaling/blogging lets see how well I do at this tomorrow.

Drinking beer on an empty stomach.

Aaron — Fri, 01 Feb 2008 23:19:39 GMT

I was supposed to go on a ski trip with my son and his boy scout troop this weekend, but I got a call from my ex-wife around noon informing me that our son is sick and that he will not be going on the ski trip. Therefore, I will not be going on the ski trip. I am actually very relieved about this turn of events, not that my son is sick, but because I won't be driving to Ukiah and then to Tahoe this winters evening. We were scheduled to spend the night in a gym in Truckee, and I was not looking forward to that experience. The floor is hella hard, even with a mat. I slept on that floor last year and I much rather perfer the comfort of my Posturpedic bed. Anyway, the reason I am drinking beer on an empty stomach is because I came home after work, instead of driving to Ukiah. I went to get the trashcans from the curb to bring them to the back yard. While I was out there, with my dog Guido, my next door neighbor was doing the same thing with his dog Rusty. Well, we both started bullshitting about whatever and we decided to have a beer while we bullshat with each other on our front lawns while the dogs played. The thing is I hadn't, and still haven't, had any lunch. Being a guy who eats mostly raw food this can lead to a very quick buzz. So, I'm buzzed, blogging, and no longer hungry. I wonder if I'll work out today? No wonder I'm so fucking skinny? By the way, I did reiterate to my neighbor that I am going to vote for Obama. My neighbor is still up in the air on whether or not to have another Clinton or go for the new guy, Obama. By the way I won't be drinking on Tuesday when I vote for him. This rather impressed me, about my neighbor, he is much more open minded than I had hoped. I love when people surprise me for what I consider good. Oh, by the way the picture is not of me or my neighbor. At least not the neighbor I was talking to this afternoon.

"I'm gonna put you to sleep!!!"

Aaron — Thu, 13 Dec 2007 00:13:26 GMT

While I was at the gas station this afternoon a guy told me he was gonna put me to sleep. How weird is that? I was waiting in my car for the next available pump on my side. When the spot opened up some guy in a minivan turned around and began to back in to my spot. I then drove up to the pump and honked my horn for the guy to stop. The guy then got out of his car and angrily asked me what the hell I did that for. I told him it was my turn and that I had been waiting. He then told me I didn't need to do that and I said, "do what." He said, "pull up and honk your horn you almost hit me." I said , "It's my turn I've been waiting." He then got even angrier and said, "I didn't see you waiting behind that car. You didn't need to come from behind that car and honk your horn and I almost hit you bitch." At this point I think he was trying to intimidate me. He then began to walk up even closer to my car and made some threatening gestures and remarks. Mind you this guy was pretty big, probably around 250lbs. or so, but he was fat and unhealthy. I on the other hand weigh in at a whopping 150lbs., but I'm in very good shape and I am very capable at defending myself in a physical confrontation, if one should arise. He kept coming closer in a loud and threatening manner. So, I got out of my car and told him that he needs to move. He then told me he was gonna put me to sleep and not to push him because he had a bad day. I told him that I'm sorry you had a bad day but you need to move because I have to get my gas and there are a lot of other people waiting. He continued to try to intimidate me with verbal threats and name calling. I tried to control myself but I just started laughing at the guy and I told him that he shouldn't be cursing at me. I also told him that I wasn't going anywhere and that if he was going to swing at me he should do so and get it over with, otherwise he needs to move his minivan so I can finish pulling in and get my gas. He then started telling me that he wished I would take a swing at him because he had a bad day and he would just love for that to happen. Again I told him that I'm sorry he had a bad day but he needs to move his car so I can get gas. He then called me an asshole a few more times and told me how he was gonna put me to sleep, which he kind of was but not in the way he meant it. I actually started thinking about how tired I was and how nice it would be to go to sleep, but not right there at the gas station. Anyway, he got a little more irate and kept threatening me. I told him again that he needs to move because there are alot of people waiting, he said he didn't care. Then the gas station attendant came out and asked what the problem was, to which this guy stated emphatically what an asshole I was and that he was gonna knock me out. I started laughing at him again. He did most of his threatening from a safe distance, until the gas station attendant came out at which point he moved closer so that the attendant was between us and he continued his threats even more vigorously. Which caused the attendant to move out of the way between us. I continued to tell him he needs to move then he got in his minivan after a hardy, "I'll show you!" and began to back towards my car. He pulled within a few inches of my car so I waved for him to come back a little farther if he wanted to hit my car, which he didn't. Eventually he pulled around to another pump and I finished pulling my car into that pump. Then I walked in front of his van on my way into the store to pay for my gas. he honked his horned and flipped me off. I waved and said,"Have a nice day" to which he responded while rolling down his window,"your lucky asshole, your lucky I don"t put you to sleep!" When I went inside some guy waiting in line asked me,"is that guy your friend?" I had to respond with a smile that, "No, that guy is definitely not my friend." So, myself, the gas station attend and the guy in line all had a good laugh at that. On my way back out the guy in the minivan rolled down his window again and told me how lucky I was to which again I responded , "have a nice day." He then yelled out,"fuck you asshole, your lucky I don't put you to sleep!!" Again I smiled waved and said,"Have a nice day." I then finished filling up my gas and left. I was very proud of myself for not buying into someone elses anger when there where times in the past when I would have. I believe that I am putting into practice the art of not taking anything personally. I took nothing that this man said or did personally. I didn't believe him when he said I was an asshole or a bitch. Although I did believe him when he said I was lucky, so I bought a lottery ticket for tonights drawing. "Have a nice day!!!!"

I got my hand back!!

Aaron — Wed, 05 Dec 2007 21:59:43 GMT

Yesterday I got my cast taken off of my hand. I totally fucking missed my hand and I am so happy to have it back in action. I don't have a lot of movement in my pinky yet and it is till tender, especially in the hand itself where the bone was broke. My wrist isn't exactly back to its old ways yet either. Maybe I'll try some self gratification later to put it through its paces. I think for now though I'll just do the dishes for the first time in a month. My wife should be happy about that.

One handed plumbing or the beauty of owning a 60 year old home.

Aaron — Tue, 04 Dec 2007 00:05:21 GMT

So, yesterday I set out to replace one of the faucets in my bathroom. It had been leaking for some time now and I had already replaced the seats and springs twice, but the drip was becoming a full on leak. Anyway, my simple faucet change out took all of my Sunday afternoon when I realized I had to also put in new flex line to the new faucet. Then I came to the realization that I also needed new valves to go to the new flex line. Then I noticed that I needed a new 3" nipple to go to the new valve. I didn't realize all of this until starting on the other, so regardless of all that, my wife and I made several trips to Home Depot yesterday as well. Say what you want about the evils of the big stores, but I was so grateful that they were open when my local Ace hardware store wasn't on a Sunday afternoon. All of this fun filled Mr. Fixit action was done with my right hand still in a cast, which makes loosening and tightening 60 yr.old plumbing in a confined space especially challenging. I also happened to notice that I needed new slip-joint nuts and washers because my U-trap was also leaking waste water, thank god I was under my sinks to find this out. After fixing all of this stuff, I came to find out that my second sink is also leaking from underneath when the water is turned on. This in turn means that I must do the same thing on my other bathroom sink. My life lessons for this particular event are; 1. the more I know how to solve the problem or the more I knowledge I get, the more I need to fix and the more I need to learn. 2. the more trying an issue may be the more I'm grateful for finding out the unexpected problems before they cause additional damage and create even more work. So, all in all, I am so grateful that my sink was leaking in order that I might fix the greater underlying problems that might not otherwise be seen until they caused a large amount of damage. There is definitely an upside to everything, even if you do miss out on sunday afternoon football games.

corny goofy joke for today

Aaron — Fri, 30 Nov 2007 00:25:44 GMT

A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar and there is an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman sitting at the bar. The priest turns to the rabbi and says," I think we're in the wrong joke."

killing time

Aaron — Mon, 26 Nov 2007 23:42:12 GMT

are all networking sites just a way to kill time while pretending to have actually done something with our time?

My childhood best friend!!

Aaron — Wed, 21 Nov 2007 00:12:15 GMT

My best friend from childhood recently found me on the internet. Some how he located me through my website, motiv8you.com, and he sent me an email. He was my next door neighbor and my best friend for about the first 18 yrs. of my life. I haven't seen or heard from him in well over 15 yrs. We have been in touch now for the past week and the flood of memories is amazing. It is funny how differently we both view some of the events from our past. I'm not even exactly sure what he looks like because I don't tend to save anything. I have a memory of him and how he looked, after all I saw him everyday for about 18 yrs. We both have similar life events about the same time. For instance we both got divorced from our first wives about 11 years ago. I am so happy that he is doing well now, even if he does work for Merck. The emotions I feel are incredible! He was probably the closest living being to me throughout the beginning years of this life. I don't even know how to describe this blessing brought to me via the modern technological revolution. I am so blessed! I moved as far away as I physically could from my home town, as soon as I could, while still remaining in the same country. I kept no contact with anyone from my past, except my family members and even those are incredibly few considering the size of my family. I am slightly overwhelmed with this, whatever this is. My ability to think has been knocked askew. Yet, I still feel very good. This is all very strange right now, but in a good way.

Green festival

Aaron — Sun, 11 Nov 2007 09:43:23 GMT

I went to the green festival today over in S.F. It was very cool. There was so much to see and so many products to sample. I can't believe how many food bars, drinks, skin care and dog food samples I received.The highlight of my day was meeting David Wolfe for the 2nd time. If you don't know, he is a raw food guru. Some of his sites are sunfoodnutrition.com, davidwolfe.com, and thebestdayever.com. We talked for a short while and I told him how my site motiv8you.com is now an affiliate of his sunfood's site. He is such a cool guy, he is totally inspiring just to be around. After seeing him I really feel that I need to get back to eating at 100% raw foods again.

broken bone

Aaron — Mon, 05 Nov 2007 20:14:05 GMT

i broke a bone in my hand, Friday night, playing softball. Typing and other rather simplistic activities have become a little more difficult than they used to be, especially considering I broke a bone in my right hand and I'm right handed. Now I gotta do everything with my left hand including jerking off. i feel like I'm cheating on my right hand.

My first Cookie Puss!

Aaron — Tue, 25 Sep 2007 20:43:08 GMT

As a kid growing up on the east coast I used to ask my mom every birthday if I could have a Cookie Puss on my b'day. My mom would always so no and that we would just have a regular ice cream cake like my brothers. Once I moved to California I realized there are no Carvels here so I figured I would never have a Cookie Puss, unless I went back east again. When low and behold I was walking through Berkeley one day and they had just opened up a new Carvel ice cream store. My elation was not understood by my wife, as she had no idea what the hell a Carvel Ice Cream store was all about. Well anyway my son's 13th birthday was last Thursday and we got him a Cookie Puss! After having yearned for a Cookie Puss for decades and having given up the hope of ever having one, I finally got to sample a Cookie Puss. So now at the age of 35, I think I can die a fulfilled man. As a side note one of the very first Beastie Boys sings was called, "Cookie Puss". In it they basically call up different Carvel stores and ask to speak to Cookie Puss. While incredibly juvenile it is amazingly funny. My one brother used to have the extended remix version on vinyl.

Couldn't sleep

Aaron — Mon, 17 Sep 2007 06:54:41 GMT

I couldn't sleep so I ended up here. I gotta bunch of bullshit on my mind. I thought I was getting pretty good at being present and not letting outside influences distract me but I guess I still have a long way to go. My ex-wife wants more money again. We just went through this 10 months ago. I don't understand why this comes up so regularly. I pay my child support, provide medical and dental insurance for my son, and I am with my son as much as I'm legally allowed to. Which is every other weekend as well as splitting all school breaks ie: summer, christmas etc. This is our Karma, as father and son at this time, to have our time together limited in this manner. I went to church this morning at, the East Bay Church of Religious Sciences, and the rev. said whatever it is that shows up in her life is good for her, it may look like a porcupine, but it is good for her. I really believe that what she says is true and that whatever shows up in my life is good for me and is meant to be there for me. I am getting better, I believe, at just excepting what is. So now I have to get to the point of celebrating and showing gratitude for these challenges in my life. I need to give love to this person that I feel is wronging me and my son, because bringing hate and animosity only hurts me and those closest to me. I need to forgive those that aren't asking for forgiveness. I am blessed and those that attempt to take advantage of me are in pain. They are attempting to transfer their pain on to me and I am strong. So, I will recognize there pain and forgive them for I am blessed and fortunate. I live a great life. I have wonderful friends, a beautiful son, a beautiful wife, a comfortable home, excellent health, an abundance mindset, a belief that miracles happen for me regularly. All of this is just a part of the joy of life, it may look like a porcupine right now, but the universe has blessing in everything that comes my way.

Guido the wonder dog

Aaron — Thu, 13 Sep 2007 22:36:53 GMT

So, I took the dog running again today. We did about 3 1/2 to 4 miles. He seems to be doing better this time, although he is just laying around the house now. I can't believe I'm in better shape than my dog.