Essays on a life of P.E.
December 16th, 2006
by shadow


Master does lots of things that i do not necessarily either agree with, like, nor even feel particularly good about afterwards. This essay is one of them. i wouldn't normally write about something this personal, but this time, for whatever reason He has, He has ordered me to write about this experience- before i get to sleep tonight.
Right now, it hurts to talk. It hurts to swallow, it hurts to breath a certain way, it hurts to think about eating anything very solid. It hurts to remember.
It hurts to know He will do it again.
He likes breath play- that nasty kind, the kind where your windpipe is shut down, and gasping is hard.
He is careful enough to try to keep me undamaged, not only for my family, but because mostly He wants to play with His toys again.
But He knows that some of the ways we play are dangerous.
He found a better way-- a more painful way in it's own, and a way that gives Him more pleasure than i could imagine. Last night, He turned me over on my back, dropped my head slightly off the bed, and told me to suck His cock-- only he didn't really want that. He wanted to watch me suffer as He fucked me.
He isn't particularly oversized in girth or length. He's better endowed than many, but not elephant man status. He's something comfortable to take in the mouth for a while until He is hard, and something i have to work on with zeal, a bit to slide down and slip my lips over. Normally.
Last night wasn't normal. He forced my mouth wider, and pulled my arms out of the way and pushed PAST the back of my throat.
It cut off my air instantly. But worse, it pushed open my throat itself, hard, painfully stretching my throat open and wedging himself in the esophagus. This wasn't cock sucking, this wasn't taking Him in my mouth.
This was different.
I had *thought* about it sometimes, and i knew that people talked about it. But most of your great porn sites show standard cock suckers- upright face on her knees stuff, with half the guys dick still visible. Very few women talk about "deep throating". The old movie might have made it a publicly acceptable kink, but reality is, few women can do it at all, as they either just can't quit the gag reflex, or they just don't have mouths big enough.
As i said, this was different. This was scary. i was suddenly not just meat, i was unable to handle it. There wasn't just *no air* for a few seconds, there was huge pain and my entire throat was stuffed hard and still pushing in/down and i was trapped upside down under Him. And He didn't care if i was vomiting (and unable to even throw up- His entire dick blocked my throat) and screaming in my head, eyes tearing up and nose suddenly stuffy and such. My bladder wanted to get go, everything hurt so much.
There were demands He made- mostly to swallow. i remember that. Some i really don't remember. But swallow came through loud and clear. He said it hard- vicious. Hungry. It was impossible, there was no SPACE to even gag or flex my throat muscles, and my brain was screaming for air. He pushed, and for a moment the pain in my throat was immense.
Then He backed out. Rushing for air, gulping, wanting to sit up- and jammed back down, His cock pushing back in. He did that over and over-- taking me past some place where i thought i could "wait it out" until He came, or "stand it for a moment" as He pushed into my mouth. He kept finding that spot- that edge in my throat, at which i could still close off and breath, and the place past it-- and then pushing HARD down my throat, ripping the membranes, and my brain would suddenly panic and my hands push and scratch and jam themselves to get it OUT OF ME. Blurry eyes and tears, begging in my head that isn't getting out of my lips.
Sometimes, He let me. Some times, He didn't and i found a fear i haven't ever had with Him. In those moments, He reached down between His legs and cradled my head in His hands and PULLED my face up to His cock- It pummeled the curve of my throat and bashed deeper than anything i could have imagined, and i was pinned, held, forced to keep alive for more, more, more than i ever thought. There was panic, twisting that didn't help, lurching for air that wasn't there, yanking attempts that just made the fingers dig into my face and my neck deeper. Fear that He really was going to push until He was done, push until i was dead and He was done.
He doesn't find "done" easily. He can come- repeatedly- for upwards of an hour without going totally soft, and sometimes will hang at the edge for several minuets before allowing Himself to ejaculate at all. My brain was trying to keep me calm and relax the throat even as the throat was ripped and in pain and registering terror and no air and my whole stomach rolling over and over.
There were moments at it's worst, when He had His entire dick all the way down my face, stuffed down my throat, when my front teeth were embedded in the back of His dick. i remember thinking in that split moment as He FORCED so hard down me, that i must be cutting Him open. His balls were right there, at my nose, my front teeth being forced into the back of Him, and yet He grunted and enjoyed it even more. Holding my head, yanking me up to take him. i couldn't even bite, there was no room. NO swallowing, mouth filling with fluids and unable to breath and the unbearable wrenching of my throat muscles pulled past where they should be.
And through it all, there were gasps for seconds- and then no air.
No air. Dark and swirling fear and panic no air.
Painful hurting ripped open throat no air.
Even if i did NOT have an over developed gag reflex, my mouth- and all the parts- are too small. Dentists fight me. Never, ever in my life had i had my throat feel that way since they took out my tonsils (which i hear meant opening the muscles to over 4" in diameter)- and it took 2 weeks to recover from that. i was under anesthesia for that. This was face rape. He kept at me, His cock never leaving my mouth, even when He backed off to let me grab air around His dick and widen my mouth to try to pull in as much as i could. A stroke- a stroke for air and then back down into me.
i hated it. No, i didn't hate it. i hate no warm up. i hate raw fish. This, this was more horrible than anything i could imagine. He was too big, and too long, and it HURT. Hurt without air. Fear and pain and terror and being pinned under him with no way to even move. i was suddenly so scared, so blindly frightened and scared that i wanted to never never never see Him again.
Eventually, after about an hour, He pulled out (still hard as a rock- apparently He had been waiting to enjoy this kind of pain), and i found myself freaking, curling away, afraid and raw and unable to make a sound and feeling like my throat was bleeding, the air suddenly giving me pain in my chest as i sucked in HUGE gasps of it and tried to roll sideways, my hands around my throat.
He threw me around and flipped my legs up into the air to ream my asshole. i didn't care, i just held my throat with both hands and tried not to cry. Swallowing was like knives. Stabbing pain.
Eventually, i know He took me several more times, more places, but i wasn't paying much attention. Dinner burned (i had put on lamb skewers just before He had ordered me on my back on the bed). i was still panicked, still savoring each torn breath coming in, feeling air like i had never known it, and shaking uncontrollably. My tears were everywhere on me, my nose running and swollen, cum trailing out of me everywhere, but only the awful sore horrid cutting feeling with every breath registered for several more moments.
He ordered me off the bed, and i slid to the floor and crawled to the oven, still holding my neck. Scared of Him like i have never been before.
He was beaming. And telling me just how bad it would hurt for many days afterwards. And warning me not to try to talk. That warning was not needed. It was several hours before my vocal cords could make noises beyond squeaks and hoarse garbled rasps. And each time, it hurt like He was inside my throat again, swelling and tearing it open to slide inside me.
The sick part is, at the moment He let me live and pulled out of me, i was HIS. So totally committed that even tearing me open would have been wanted. He could have popped out my eyeball and fucked the socket in that moment. He had me pinned to Him like a butterfly on a mat.

Later, after dinner (cold soft berries feel good in those moments), He told me He enjoyed that. He liked to feel me panic and fight. He told me that now, i really did understand that i only breath at His pleasure. He owns the air as well.

For A.J. Dec. 16th, 2006

Looking for a good long term relationship...

Seeking :
A great owner, a worthy partner, and a fun public player with style.

Dominant male, age not firm but close to mine (50).
Attitude is everything.

Read my various journals and bios for info on me and what i am looking for.

You: stable. Financially secure. Sick twisted fuck.
Working dick. Preferably all the time:)
No other women in your life- no wives, no girlfriends, no roommates, no ex-lovers, no kinda old fuck friends, preferably no damned female pets.

Serious, experienced... you don't need to know technique, but should know the prime directive, what it is that fuels this, and have your head comfortably wrapped around attention sluts, strong slaves, educated partners, MAsT, and old guard ideals of respect, integrity, dignity and TPE.
Confidence is very sexy, arrogance is not.

You love women-- all kinds of women. You love to push them and make them cry and ruin their makeup and cram your dick down their throat while they scream and make them pee themselves and tie them up and stoke their hair and tuck them in when they are sick and watch over them like precious gems or treasured pets. You want someone that has a strong opinion on almost everything but knows when to shut the fuck up. She can take care of your business if you need it without much direction, yet you still want to grant permission for basic bodily functions. You want to take a razor to her regularly, and right now you are fine with keeping the toy safe and cute-- but reserve the right to someday cut a hole in it to fuck, take a cigar to it at will, or share it with your friends. You love long hair and movies and books and music and listening to her talk about almost anything, and want to use her anywhere at any time for any reason without question.

You appreciate the difference between humiliation and degradation, submission and Ownership, and swear never to fall so far in love that you undermine the M/s.
You understand Beast and beast meat and pursuit.
You like kids and animals and loud rock and roll and watching her put cut flowers in a vase and fires at midnight.
You have your taste in what she wears and are not above picking out her lipstick or eyeshadow... or a female partner to fuck her while you watch.
You have baggage and don't mind an occasional brooding moment but don't let it drag you away from life and what she brings.
You love the ocean, the mountains, history, travel, field trips, tours, photography, meat- steak!- and taking control of things that you truly are good at handling, especially focusing your property in the right directions and encouraging her where you want her to go.
You have no problem with adding to your household over the years, after all, slaves need staff and bi women need nipples to suck too.
You know she hates that shit, but she does it cause she wants to give it to you. She wants to please you. She wants to see that look on your face of total happiness and satisfaction in your property.
You are not afraid of public dungeons or the occasional convention, and understand that she has a lot of scene connections that will need to be severed as slowly as any other family when we move on.
You have no problem being the biggest Alpha male in the room and making sure that it is quietly understood that no one fucks with you or yours. Period.

You know you need that slave even more than she needs you, and that it is harder to be the servant than the master.

You fit at least 60% of that at any given time and respect the ideals trying to be expressed.
You write legibly and know how spell check works.
You have NEVER said "on your knees bitch" to anyone you hadn't negotiated with and taken control of with consent.
SSC is not your style, but RACK isn't bad.

You know or will learn how to throw a 4' snake. You respect and love the smell of leather- and identify as Leather.
You own a Bike???Oh hell-- that's extra points!

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.

Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order
for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore extinct...

...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."


This student received the only "A".

I deleted that "My Testimonials" module. I read that- as well as reading several bios that included them- and gagged. If you like the idea of what you are reading, then you should get to know me. If you think you know me, and dislike me, then maybe someday you will run into me and change your mind. Or not.
The idea of "advertising how wonderful you are" and having friends gush about you just strikes me as wrong. Bragging rights aside, maybe it's just the title that is irritating, and most people just use it to chat about the fun things they have done together. None the less, I deleted it as a module here. If my friends want to wax poetic about me, they can do so in real time, on the phone, in e-mails, IM's, or by carrier pigeon. Or take me to dinner dammit!
Either way, posting them to my own blog site smacks of immaturity and a shallowness that I don't want to indulge (unless of course I win some kewl prize!).
If you feel differently, or feel the need to defend what you did somewhere, don't do it here- i am *very* sure that i am right.