Essays on a life of P.E.
December 16th, 2006
by shadow


Master does lots of things that i do not necessarily either agree with, like, nor even feel particularly good about afterwards. This essay is one of them. i wouldn't normally write about something this personal, but this time, for whatever reason He has, He has ordered me to write about this experience- before i get to sleep tonight.
Right now, it hurts to talk. It hurts to swallow, it hurts to breath a certain way, it hurts to think about eating anything very solid. It hurts to remember.
It hurts to know He will do it again.
He likes breath play- that nasty kind, the kind where your windpipe is shut down, and gasping is hard.
He is careful enough to try to keep me undamaged, not only for my family, but because mostly He wants to play with His toys again.
But He knows that some of the ways we play are dangerous.
He found a better way-- a more painful way in it's own, and a way that gives Him more pleasure than i could imagine. Last night, He turned me over on my back, dropped my head slightly off the bed, and told me to suck His cock-- only he didn't really want that. He wanted to watch me suffer as He fucked me.
He isn't particularly oversized in girth or length. He's better endowed than many, but not elephant man status. He's something comfortable to take in the mouth for a while until He is hard, and something i have to work on with zeal, a bit to slide down and slip my lips over. Normally.
Last night wasn't normal. He forced my mouth wider, and pulled my arms out of the way and pushed PAST the back of my throat.
It cut off my air instantly. But worse, it pushed open my throat itself, hard, painfully stretching my throat open and wedging himself in the esophagus. This wasn't cock sucking, this wasn't taking Him in my mouth.
This was different.
I had *thought* about it sometimes, and i knew that people talked about it. But most of your great porn sites show standard cock suckers- upright face on her knees stuff, with half the guys dick still visible. Very few women talk about "deep throating". The old movie might have made it a publicly acceptable kink, but reality is, few women can do it at all, as they either just can't quit the gag reflex, or they just don't have mouths big enough.
As i said, this was different. This was scary. i was suddenly not just meat, i was unable to handle it. There wasn't just *no air* for a few seconds, there was huge pain and my entire throat was stuffed hard and still pushing in/down and i was trapped upside down under Him. And He didn't care if i was vomiting (and unable to even throw up- His entire dick blocked my throat) and screaming in my head, eyes tearing up and nose suddenly stuffy and such. My bladder wanted to get go, everything hurt so much.
There were demands He made- mostly to swallow. i remember that. Some i really don't remember. But swallow came through loud and clear. He said it hard- vicious. Hungry. It was impossible, there was no SPACE to even gag or flex my throat muscles, and my brain was screaming for air. He pushed, and for a moment the pain in my throat was immense.
Then He backed out. Rushing for air, gulping, wanting to sit up- and jammed back down, His cock pushing back in. He did that over and over-- taking me past some place where i thought i could "wait it out" until He came, or "stand it for a moment" as He pushed into my mouth. He kept finding that spot- that edge in my throat, at which i could still close off and breath, and the place past it-- and then pushing HARD down my throat, ripping the membranes, and my brain would suddenly panic and my hands push and scratch and jam themselves to get it OUT OF ME. Blurry eyes and tears, begging in my head that isn't getting out of my lips.
Sometimes, He let me. Some times, He didn't and i found a fear i haven't ever had with Him. In those moments, He reached down between His legs and cradled my head in His hands and PULLED my face up to His cock- It pummeled the curve of my throat and bashed deeper than anything i could have imagined, and i was pinned, held, forced to keep alive for more, more, more than i ever thought. There was panic, twisting that didn't help, lurching for air that wasn't there, yanking attempts that just made the fingers dig into my face and my neck deeper. Fear that He really was going to push until He was done, push until i was dead and He was done.
He doesn't find "done" easily. He can come- repeatedly- for upwards of an hour without going totally soft, and sometimes will hang at the edge for several minuets before allowing Himself to ejaculate at all. My brain was trying to keep me calm and relax the throat even as the throat was ripped and in pain and registering terror and no air and my whole stomach rolling over and over.
There were moments at it's worst, when He had His entire dick all the way down my face, stuffed down my throat, when my front teeth were embedded in the back of His dick. i remember thinking in that split moment as He FORCED so hard down me, that i must be cutting Him open. His balls were right there, at my nose, my front teeth being forced into the back of Him, and yet He grunted and enjoyed it even more. Holding my head, yanking me up to take him. i couldn't even bite, there was no room. NO swallowing, mouth filling with fluids and unable to breath and the unbearable wrenching of my throat muscles pulled past where they should be.
And through it all, there were gasps for seconds- and then no air.
No air. Dark and swirling fear and panic no air.
Painful hurting ripped open throat no air.
Even if i did NOT have an over developed gag reflex, my mouth- and all the parts- are too small. Dentists fight me. Never, ever in my life had i had my throat feel that way since they took out my tonsils (which i hear meant opening the muscles to over 4" in diameter)- and it took 2 weeks to recover from that. i was under anesthesia for that. This was face rape. He kept at me, His cock never leaving my mouth, even when He backed off to let me grab air around His dick and widen my mouth to try to pull in as much as i could. A stroke- a stroke for air and then back down into me.
i hated it. No, i didn't hate it. i hate no warm up. i hate raw fish. This, this was more horrible than anything i could imagine. He was too big, and too long, and it HURT. Hurt without air. Fear and pain and terror and being pinned under him with no way to even move. i was suddenly so scared, so blindly frightened and scared that i wanted to never never never see Him again.
Eventually, after about an hour, He pulled out (still hard as a rock- apparently He had been waiting to enjoy this kind of pain), and i found myself freaking, curling away, afraid and raw and unable to make a sound and feeling like my throat was bleeding, the air suddenly giving me pain in my chest as i sucked in HUGE gasps of it and tried to roll sideways, my hands around my throat.
He threw me around and flipped my legs up into the air to ream my asshole. i didn't care, i just held my throat with both hands and tried not to cry. Swallowing was like knives. Stabbing pain.
Eventually, i know He took me several more times, more places, but i wasn't paying much attention. Dinner burned (i had put on lamb skewers just before He had ordered me on my back on the bed). i was still panicked, still savoring each torn breath coming in, feeling air like i had never known it, and shaking uncontrollably. My tears were everywhere on me, my nose running and swollen, cum trailing out of me everywhere, but only the awful sore horrid cutting feeling with every breath registered for several more moments.
He ordered me off the bed, and i slid to the floor and crawled to the oven, still holding my neck. Scared of Him like i have never been before.
He was beaming. And telling me just how bad it would hurt for many days afterwards. And warning me not to try to talk. That warning was not needed. It was several hours before my vocal cords could make noises beyond squeaks and hoarse garbled rasps. And each time, it hurt like He was inside my throat again, swelling and tearing it open to slide inside me.
The sick part is, at the moment He let me live and pulled out of me, i was HIS. So totally committed that even tearing me open would have been wanted. He could have popped out my eyeball and fucked the socket in that moment. He had me pinned to Him like a butterfly on a mat.

Later, after dinner (cold soft berries feel good in those moments), He told me He enjoyed that. He liked to feel me panic and fight. He told me that now, i really did understand that i only breath at His pleasure. He owns the air as well.

For A.J. Dec. 16th, 2006

Today is July 18th--- and yesterday the Gods smiled.
Here is the copy of what i just posted on Tribe Bugs--- and wrote to the lovely lady who fixed it.


Jenni wrote me-- (NEW STAFF!! SEND FLOWERS!!!) and told me EXACTLY how to fix it--- it was a small bug on Tribe that only reads specific feeds, and i was using the wrong alt. feed (heck, i didn't know there even WAS another alternative feed or why i needed it).
Luddites are NOT good Tribal bloggers i guess ....

Here is my reply to Jenni on the mail she sent me personally yesterday (i haven't been coming to Tribe a whole lot since i lost all faith in the Universe):

:::::
Jenni-- You rock, and restore my faith in humans working for Tribe.
Spaz Team Alpha hu? i will either send a donation in your honor to the Jerry Lewis Telethon (appearing this year only on Telemundo), or have a friend write your name in Playa dust at BM.
Both are honorifics of a dubious nature:)

THANK YOU.... i had no idea that it was a "feed read" pattern problem-- and no where that *i* could find on the bugs site was that posted as a simple "TRY IT" fix.
(Hey- maybe that should be a searchable thing on BUGS-- Posts with TRY IT from the staff that are various fix-its that us tribal warriors can attempt while waiting for knowledge with our cheerios).:::::

i know how frustrating it must be for TRIBE employees to fix a bazillion things left behind by the overwhelmed folks who left, as well as the cascading effects still happening -- and i gotta say, it's more important to folks like me to hear from someone every week or so, even if you can't FIX the damned thing--- cause we know you WANT to fix it, but we don't always know if we are either high enough on the "to do" list to be looked at, or even if we have something that is esoterically bizarre enough that it needs long nights by the campfire brainstorming and chanting for alien intervention.
But most of us want to know that our problems, while small potatoes, or unique BS issues that only a rock couldn't handle, are none the less at least on the radar of BUGLAND.

JENNI rocks rocks rocks-- yes, it was a 2 min. mind meld for her to handle- alternative feed issue-- but to me, (the person completely in the dark in the strange room), having someone know that there was a light switch on the wall next to me is just as wonderfully magical as if i was on the brain surgery table and needed a cerebral transplant done by the only skilled surgeon in the world.

i feel like a Coke and a smile..
"I'd like to teach the world to sing
In perfect Harmony
I'd like to buy the world a Coke
and keep it company...."

hugs
shadow, feedless no more!
***********
Today is July 12th.
i am morose over this. My profile, my blog, is still not fixed.
Here is my latest complaint to bugs:

Hello folks....

Maybe some one here can help me figure out what to do ...
i wrote about my problem several times, and then the "great takeover" happened and everyone but Darren and Wendy fled.
My profile has several modules, including the one for "My FEED".

About a YEAR ago, the my feed went from a real "view" of the blogspot i was feeding into my profile to a titles only. i undid and redid it several times, to no avail. i wrote, and wrote. Finally, after the takeover, Darren wrote me back and asked for the url of the original feed.
i sent it. A few days later Wendy wrote me, wanting the same info. i sent it again.
i put a picture of the issue up so that it could be seen the way i see it no matter who else was viewing the issue.
i never heard back.
The problem still is there.
people.tribe.net/760d35dd-...5bae34c42b is what the page looks like.
the url i want to feed from is www.southerncrossca.blogspot.com


Please--- do i need ta bribe someone?
Or call Cisco?
HELP!
thanks, me.


****************
i have written 3+ times... to bugs... have sat on the same threads... and yet, here we are with my blog still not actually showing feeds-- just titles.
It sucks.
The original thread was:

» Tribe.net Bug Reports » topics »
External Feeds
topic posted Tue, September 26, 2006 - 12:11 PM by chris

So recently we've been having problems with our inbound feeds. These have a affected some high interest sites (especially, but not limited to, boingboing.) For those of you who syndicate your blog feed into tribe or who have a feed module on your homepage or profile please update this thread if you feed is still not updating.
posted by:
chris
SF Bay Area
*** and my last 2 posts were:
Re: External Feeds 6 months brokenThu, June 7, 2007 - 8:58 PM
6 months i have been trying to get ANY feed to show actual images rather than just titles. i have written THREE times and haven't heard from anyone. What the heck does a gal have to do? My home page has been CRAP since January.
Now, i am apparently VERY patient, but then again, maybe i am just not LOUD enough.
Should i post this as a NEW THREAD every day till i can see my feed again?

shadow, ever patient.
*******
Re: External FeedsToday, 10:27 PM
OK CHRIS...
i have replied on these bug threads more times than i wanna think about ... my blog looks like a piece of CRAP without real feed info and just titles..
it won't reset.
It won't change.
It is STUCK and i want someone to come FIX IT.
Could that be a reasonable request?
i want to make sure you see what i see... so here is the URL of a screen shot of my blog just 3 min ago:
www.flickr.com/photos/sha.../563115082/ where you can SEE that i don't have a real blog-- just *descriptions* of the blog feed...

i would REALLY like to have this FIXED please.
Do i need to pay someone at tribe? If so, please post your amount and i will see if i can meet it (because, to be frank, i now feel like my damned page is held hostage and there is some ransome amount that will make it all better).
Sept 26...to June 17th.,... 261 days (i think).... seems more than reasonable to me.

Anything else ya need? Feel free to write me at i999shadow@aol.com
***********
This is why, when you look at what should be a HOT looking profile, ya get that bunch of underlined type written things instead.

i am used up. i am feeling completely ignored. i am feeling like there are few folks that know what they are doing but lots of them walkig around with big grins taking credit for how wonderful tribe is.

i like it here-- but if a known bug has to be repeatedly brought to their attention on an open bugs list because there is no way to just report it.. well, then i am not happy.


***********
Today is JUNE 28th-
The thread was deleted from Bugs without any response or fix.
There is a new bugs Moderator ( Darrin... people.tribe.net/tjcrowley ),
and i still have no real feed...

Here is TODAY's post for help:

Is the tribe BUGS monitor just not giving a damn??
This thread (external feeds) is now gone-- but the problem isn't!.
The whole story- and every post of late to BUGS is here:
people.tribe.net/760d35dd-...5bae34c42b on my profile page..
because we are coming up on a YEAR without my external feeds working..

WTF is wrong here???

Can anyone please mail me with how to FIX this (after all, I have re-booted it, removed and replaced it, and shaken the rubber chicken over it).....

s
******************

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.

Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order
for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore extinct...

...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."


This student received the only "A".

I deleted that "My Testimonials" module. I read that- as well as reading several bios that included them- and gagged. If you like the idea of what you are reading, then you should get to know me. If you think you know me, and dislike me, then maybe someday you will run into me and change your mind. Or not.
The idea of "advertising how wonderful you are" and having friends gush about you just strikes me as wrong. Bragging rights aside, maybe it's just the title that is irritating, and most people just use it to chat about the fun things they have done together. None the less, I deleted it as a module here. If my friends want to wax poetic about me, they can do so in real time, on the phone, in e-mails, IM's, or by carrier pigeon. Or take me to dinner dammit!
Either way, posting them to my own blog site smacks of immaturity and a shallowness that I don't want to indulge (unless of course I win some kewl prize!).
If you feel differently, or feel the need to defend what you did somewhere, don't do it here- i am *very* sure that i am right.