Things I Think of at 3 a.m.

broadening my horizons

Razr — Tue, 17 Apr 2007 05:08:09 GMT

i've recently joined xanga. my name is the same, so if any of you out here go over there, look me up, wouldja?? Peace&Love&Warm Fuzzies!!!

Where Do I Begin...

Razr — Fri, 23 Mar 2007 03:30:39 GMT

...to tell the story of how great God can be? About two months ago, everything in my life changed. I went out and partied all night, and ended up doing just about everything bad that i could...drinking, drugs, sex...Everything done in about 6 hours. I felt so awfully guilty, I decided to go to church to, well, I didn't know what i was gunna do. But i knew I had to go. I walked in and took a place in the back, hiding. At one point in the service, they ask that anyone with prayer needs come up to the front and have them pray with you. I go up there after everyone's busy and just stand there in front of the cross...staring at it, I begin to shake...then my knees buckle and send me to the floor, crying...all out sobbing...a few people pray over me, and then a girl I hadn't seen in years comes over and wraps her arms around me in a huge hug. She tells me how she'd been praying to be less judgemental towards people who were going back and forth with their faith...people like me...and when she turns around, there I am... Whoa. Then, within a couple nights, God tells me what He wants from me...He wants a new song. I was praying about learning my purpose, and I grabbed my Bible and opened it randomly...it landed on a page with one of those boxes that help you to understand the verses that study Bibles have, and it was titled A New Song. Sure enough, I talk to the pastor's wife a week or two later, and she tells me about Northwestern College in Minnesota, near the Twin Cities. They have this great music program...and journalism, too. Both of which are my proposed majors that i decided on a couple days after the a new song event. A month goes by, and I meet a guy in the bar I work at. I ask him to go to the lake with me, because it was such an awesome night, and that little voice was telling me to go out there. He says yes, and we end up all over in the woods and rivers and lake. As the sun begins to rise, I hear that little voice one more time, "Invite him to church". I do. He says yes. Whoa x 2. He shows up and then asks to come along the next weekend. I find out two days ago, he had been having dreams about being in church and had laughed them off a few weeks before he and I met. In other words, God wanted him to come to Him, so He had me go get him! How freaking cool is that??? I got what I've been asking for the whole time...PROOF. There is no other way for all of this to have worked out without some divine influence. Period. Only a fool would say otherwise. Meanwhile, I find myself craving to read the Bible, and listening to Christian music...telling almost everyone I run into these awesome testimonials. I know now how it feels to be "on fire". And it's amazing.

Things are looking up

Razr — Wed, 15 Nov 2006 16:34:26 GMT

And so am I, still wondering where the snow is....forecasted to fall all weekend, that fluffy stuff had better....I bought gogs online yesterday, and I'm thinking about a jacket purchase soon!! Anyway, things are looking up in other ways too. I've been on Prozac for about a week and a half now and I hate to say it, but I think it's working. I haven't had even a momentary urge to SI in a few days now. WEIRD. I mean, good, but weird....Gives me a decent buzz, too. I'm sure that "side effect" will wear off with my getting used to it, but I'm enjoying the crap outta it while I can. On another up note, I recently had to go to my mom's cancer checkup appointments with her and we got great news back. Such great news that the Drs don't want to see her for six months now. (She had three kinds of cancer, and is now cancer free. Miracles happen.) And though being single might be considered by some to be a down point, I am loving it. In fact, today is my day off, and after buying a couple recycled paper notebooks online, I plan to read the latest book : Worldchanging: A User's Guide to the 21st Century. I highly recommend it already, it is written to help us average folk slow/stop the damage we're doing to the world in every arena: environment, politics, humanity, etc. PICK IT UP!!!! More than pick it up though, do something from what it tells you. We have 25 years, folks, and we're way behind. Website for the book : www.worldchanging.com GO THERE!!! Thank you.

Snow, snow, snow

Razr — Tue, 07 Nov 2006 01:02:46 GMT

Ok...I know I'm not the only shredhead out there that's dying to get on the hill already, but damn. Today was almost 60 degrees here, and it was so depressing. I know that in a few short weeks, the snow will finally come and stay, but it seems to be taking forever this year. Probably because I didn't get a chance to go out on the hill at all last year (stuck in chicago going to school). If anyone knows any good magick spells or chants or tribal dances to get those flurries flowing, please let me know....I'm going crazy....oh wait, there already....

Ok, so it was closer four a.m. this time

Razr — Sat, 04 Nov 2006 15:50:48 GMT

It is amazing what having three whole days off in a row can do for your emotoinal state. I went from feeling pulled so thin I thought I was going to tear apart for sure and now, now I feel so together it's weird. Weird for me, anyway. So I woke up halfway through the night as usual, and an odd memory came to me on the SI thing. I have been tossing the idea around of writing a memoir about my journey with SI, after all, everyone's doing it, so why can't I? I have been a self-injurer since I was four in the form of 'interfering with wound healing'. I've known that for a while. But the one who introduced me to it, amazingly, and I'm sure unintentionally, was my mom. She was picking me up from my daycare, when we lived in California, and I had had a scratch on my upper left arm. The scab was almost healed, but was still clinging to my dermis in one spot. This was fascinating to me, so I kept poking at it, which mom noticed. She commented on its progress, saying it was all better, then she pinched the scab between her nails and pulled it off. Unfortunately, that part that was still connected was torn off, too, and it of course hurt a little and began to bleed. She was very apologetic, of course, but I just sat in the backseat, the whole way home, looking at it, feeling the blood drip coolly down my arm, and I think I tasted it. Now, all of this is a very interesting memory, but what do I do with it? Use it in the book, of course....but what about my mom? She and i have a very close relationship. I feel like I should tell her about this...not yet, when the time is right, I'll know. I just don't want to have her blaming herself, because I'm sure that she would. Her and I still don't really talk about my SI. If we do, it's in the past tense, as if it's something I DID, not something I do. Ah, well.....

Latest SI

Razr — Fri, 03 Nov 2006 23:40:52 GMT

How pathetic it is that I've fallen back into my self injurous behaviors after a long 4 month break. Has it been four months? Not even sure...but it all happened because I was stressed out about nothing important as usual, and came across some very nice razors in the back of the 'junk' drawer. I had always used those trapezoidal ones from box cutters, but these are the ones that have the crimped metal on one side, allowing for a good grip in the fingers. They are also so wicked thin and sharp that they cut incredibly deep with very little applied pressure. I must say, this is a serious advancement in my usual cutting equipment. This has led to a very creative SI. I did it on my upper arm, just under the curve of my shoulder. It's a Celtic trinity knot, with little half-inch lines coming out from it like rays of the sun. Not a large SI, really, but definitely pretty. I've always been artistic with them. I like my scars to be akin to a tattooing. Not sure why, I guess just so they are asthetically pleasing. As if anything about SI is asthetically pleasing...