Diary of New Pharmaceutical Representative

   Tue, December 26, 2006 - 9:13 AM
(DrugRep) Properly of the Placebo Journal

WEEK ONE - I can ' t believe that right
out of
college a Fortune 500 company has hired me! My
major in Biology and minor in Elizabethan Poetry sure
must have helped. I think the fact that I was the head
cheerleader in college proved my abundance of team
spirit. To be making $50,000 a year at age 23 isn't
too shabby. And I get a new car, too!

WEEK TWO - My bosses seem real nice. I
met anyone else out in the field yet. Got a lot of
information to study before training starts. There is
a lot to know about hypertension, I tell you that. It
is so interesting to learn how each mechanism of how
our drug works. I wonder why they even need sales reps
when it is obvious that our ACE inhibitor is
the best. The information they have given me to look
at shows how it so superior to the competitors. This
job is going to be a piece of cake! Bet the doctors
are going to love seeing me come
their way.

WEEK FOUR - Boy, those tests were hard
but I
passed all of them. Going to Florida for a big
company meeting. This is awesome. A free trip to
Orlando. Theme parks. Meeting other reps from around
the country. There are a lot of other pharmaceutical
reps that were cheerleaders. That's weird.

WEEK FIVE - The meetings were inspiring!
There were thousands of us chanting our company name!
The lectures on our products just proved I picked the
best team to join. There is no question we possess
the most effective and unique products available. I
can see myself working for this company forever.
Nothing is going to stop me from climbing their ladder
into a higher administrative level.

WEEK SEVEN - Another field rep had me
shadow him
for a day. He seemed a little down when I met him;
however he seemed to perk up once he saw me. I am sure
it is a pick-me-up for him to mentor someone new. He
kept asking me why I would pick this job. Then he
asked if I can handle personal rejection. Of course I
can handle rejection. I remember when I didn’t get
picked for junior prom queen. I cried for weeks but
I eventually got over it and became stronger in the
long run. Most of our day was spent on the
road talking or trying to get into different medical
offices. We only got to meet two doctors. Boy, were
they in a rush.
I don't think the field rep did such a great job.
Our product is so good, he needs to get right in those
doctors faces! I can’t wait until it is my turn.

WEEK EIGHT - First day by myself. Met Dr.
He must be stressed because he cut me off in the
middle of my
sentence and walked way. He must have forgotten I
was there because he never came back. Dr. Johnson was
just the opposite. It was great. It seemed he wouldn't
stop talking to me. In fact, he wanted to meet me for
dinner to just talk about my drug. What was really
funny is that he forgot what drug I even had but
promised he would use it no matter what is was? I am
one hell of a salesperson!

MONTH THREE - I am not sure why some
won’t even meet with me. They want some samples
but that is all. Had a lunch with a group of
internists. They didn't even show up and I spent $200
on lunch for their staff. They weren't even that
thankful either. That was kind of rude.

MONTH FOUR - Still having trouble getting
in to
see some doctors. Dr. Ryan told me off and was
extremely irritable. He said I was too forceful. I sat
in my car and cried for a half-hour. I know I can do
better at this. I think our drug is pretty good. I
just need to be more assertive.

MONTH FIVE - Rode with my boss who watched
every move. I was really nervous. Still couldn’t
get in to some offices. What was worse was that my
boss kept interrupting me like he was making the sale
himself. Listen, buddy, if you want my job you can
have it. When he left I cried in my car for fifteen

MONTH SIX - Had another dinner program for
doctors. Only a few showed. The speaker wanted his
money right then and there like I was the one who was
paying him out of my own account. Then the mother
f$%&^r starting talking positively about our
competitors! Whore.

MONTH SEVEN - The marketing people wanted
us to
have a “birthday party “for our ACE inhibitor. It
has been on the market for three years now and they
recommend we use the birthday hats and napkins that
they gave us. It has our logo and drug name on it.
They said the doctors would love it. Who the f%&^ are
they kidding? As if I am going to get the few doctors
that even give me the time of day to light candles
and wear hats because our lousy " me too " drug is
three years old and selling like sh&*? Do these
marketing people even know what’s going on out in the
real world?

MONTH EIGHT - Dr. Smith, who was so rude
to me,
wants to know if I have any baseball tickets
for the upcoming series. I wonder if the phrases “kiss
my ass “means anything to him. Saw Dr. Johnson
recently. After the “episode "
which occurred at our last dinner, I have purposely
stayed away from him. The restraining order still
remains. He needs to get a life.

MONTH NINE - Went back to our bullsh&%
meeting in
Florida again. Who are they fooling with this
AMWAY crap? This is all cult worship anyway. In fact,
I’d rather drink Kool-Aid laced with cyanide than sell
this piece of sh$& drug. We met in small groups and
they tried to teach us new points that would
persuade any doctor to use our drug. Talk about a
circle jerk. Got drunk most nights I was down there.

MONTH TEN - The Company is getting on my
more and more. They want to know what I am doing
every minute of every day. They want signatures. They
want programs. They want my first-born. My boss is a
prick and if he interrupts me one more time I am going
to kick him in his balls.

MONTH ELEVEN - Slept with Dr. Johnson.
Fu$# it,
I needed the numbers. I am also giving away
stocking stuffers of goodies to any doctor that will
write my loser medication. Whatever it takes to make
bonus. Dr. Flock again tells me he is writing our
drug. What a fu*^%g liar. We buy the prescription
numbers right from the pharmacy so I know what his
numbers actually are and this guy bullsh%ts me right
to my face. I think he wants to sleep with me.

MONTH TWELVE - Slept with my boss. I
needed to
keep him off my case. One more dinner program and
I will put the cyanide in the doctors ‘drinks myself.
Every time I get new marketing material, I throw it
right in the trash. Our company sucks. I know I hit
all numbers but they changed the threshold at the last
minute and screwed me out of my bonus.

MONTH THIRTEEN - This job sucks. If I see
another pompous physician I will kick him right in
the balls like I did my boss. I will die before I
ever feed a bunch of overweight and ungrateful staff
workers again. Told my boss to go screw himself or
screw Dr. Johnson and leave me the f&^k alone. Threw
my keys to the generic minivan at him and walked away
with my pride. Never again will I work for a
pharmaceutical company.

MONTH FIFTEEN - Took a job at our rival.
got some new stuff in the pipeline. The money is
even better than my old company. Called Dr. Johnson
and will meet him Tuesday night.


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