We need a freakin' chat room!!

Anyone game? We need to get on the big bosses about this.

Where's our friend RAY?

I'm really worried. He hasn't been around for a month. He hasn't accepted my comments on his myspace page. He would send me emails every once in a while and now there's nothing. Does anyone know about him? I'm VERY concerned!

College at this old age.

Yep, I've been doin' it. Am in my second quarter to become a Certified Medical Assistant (CMA). WHAT DID I GET MYSELF INTO? :O Studies are hard, I carry 5-subjects a week with a test every day. I've gotten A's on all my mid-terms and finals so far. Seems all I do is study and work on the weekends. Looking very forward to Christmas break coming up in a week.

We will be getting into IV and injections this quarter. That ought to prove itself interesting. I feel sorry for the person I have to do it on. lol.

Had to get myself out of my rut. Just hoping I made the right move. Sometimes I wonder. It's a long haul...who knows, I may suck at it and end up driving a dump truck.

This is why I haven't been around. I came to a very low spot in my life and had to find a way to dig myself out.

Hopefully I'll be around more. MERRY CHRISTMAS MY FRIENDS!!

I love the snow!!

Our last snow in Ohio was great. Got a couple days off from school and then it melted very fast. We are expecting another snow this coming Saturday and I'm ecstatic. Only thing is I have to work, but I'll still enjoy it. I love to snowmobile. One of the ONLY reasons I think about being with the ex. LMAO. He's the one with all the snowmobiles AND 4-wheelers. Miss that too. Oh well, maybe the next one-hung-low will have outdoor activities. :)

To all my friends...

I am going to clean out my friends list. There are people in there that I never communicate with or I have no idea who they are. LMAO, must of been a drunk nite. Anyway, as I delete, out of blank memory, if I have taken one of my close buds out by accident, forgive me. Communication is important between friends and to tell you the truth, there are only a handful that actually take the time to stay in touch with me. Soooo, if you really need me bad, just ask me back into your circle. :)

let's rock and fuck...SUBMIT!

youtube.com/watch

911 Today In My Heart

This day has been the most emotional day since the actual 911. This is the first year I have experienced heartache, pain for the lost and their loved ones and inner grief beyond compare.

Not the actual day nor the years to follow have ever brought me as much sorrow as this day has poured upon my soul.

The footage of different programs, the news with compelling pain, the broken hearts, the horrible death people went through, the anguish...the loss.

Tears have flowed, as my own pain, for the lost and their loved ones.

I saw the face of satan in every picture of the first plane that crashed. In the fire, in the smoke. His face, evil as it is, was surrounding that building. He is the destroyer. He is the one who takes life away.

I...have grieved. I...have a broken heart. I...live with the sorrow. I...have lost.

:(

Controlling Father

To mold the setting.

I was raised in a Christian home. Came out of it going to church and getting very involved in the Pentecostal church. I haven't walked away from my Christianity, by no means, but I haven't been to church in quite a few years.

My father has always wanted to be in control of my life AND my two girls lives. In our activities, church goings, things we do and say, how we live, where we shit, who we see, even something as small as NOT mowing the yard on Sundays.

When I was growing up, I was never allowed to express my inner self, never told I was pretty, never praised for accomplishments I held high...older, never told that I'm a good mom and have survived a life of single parenthood with glory. Always, you do this wrong, you don't do this right, you're no good at anything, you're an aweful sinner.

He has DRILLED our lives for eternity. Literally crushing my spirit and now my girls spirits as well. This is where the ball stops bouncing!! In his older age he's gotten even worse. He's turned into a man that points the finger at you like he's the only who's going to Heaven and you're nothing but a pitiful sinner, you're no good at anything, you are a terrible person because you don't go to church, if you don't do things the way HE thinks it should be done you are AWEFUL! He hangs his head at you like you're the worst thing that ever happened and that everything you do is wrong...being a mother, being a child growing up, being alive.

He's not only made me this way, but he's made my girls feel inadequate, like their not any good at anything, not worthy...BY...HIS...WORDS and disgusting eye contact. My girls have TOLD me how he makes them feel and it breaks my heart. Because I'm just the opposite, lifting them up, listening to them, letting them know that they are beautiful inside and out because I never got that when I was growing up.

He has destroyed, taken and killed so much in my life and now in my girls life. I've confronted him about it, written him a long letter about it, told him how he makes my girls feel and all he has to say is: EVERYONE IS SO OVERLY SENSITIVE.

How can someone be so blind to the "sense" and heart of others? How can someone close their eyes to reality? How can someone hurt people so much and not see it?

He will have his time on judgement day and be asked to explain why he destroyed the lives of those that loved him and how he turned MANY people away from Christianity because of the way he rammed it in their face instead of loving them to Christ. For JUDGING EVERYONE!

I have been a "nobody" in his eyes. A nobody, and he doesn't even have the heart to feel it. :(

And to top it. I have been a single mom all the days of my girls lives, struggled to make a home and family, worked as a Graphic Artist since I graduated from high school and quite proud that I've been pretty damn good at being mom, dad and friend to these two angels with one parent. WHAT DOES HE TELL MY CHILDREN IN HIS CAR: You're mother should of never been a mom. Yep, he put me down in front of my girls like I was some unintelligent scum off the ground.

BAD GIRL. BAD, BAD SHELLEY!! YOU'LL NEVER BE ANYTHING. I love him, but he doesn't stop. All he does is rip people apart. :(

Feeling Blue

Last nite when I retired for the evening, I lay there feeling so blue in love, lonely and almost invisible.

I want to love so hard and feel deep love in return. Feel the burning desire from someone to just be near me. Someone to actually think I'm attractive and their driven by me...to me, daily.

In my "real life" I don't have this, I don't think I ever have. As a matter of fact, I KNOW I haven't. Will I be engulfed with this before my time is up? I surely pray so.

I thought I found my soul-mate in my last relationship. The mystical things we experienced together were what I thought was a sign. Literally rising up in the air together as one body with two heads, out of the crowd, floating there for what seemed forever and no one else saw it but us; sitting in a very dark meadow together to watch for deer and suddenly being singled out by a huge white circle from the sky that surrounded us like a beam, while the rest of the field was dark; both of us seeing the figure of his deceased father walking from the garage, across the breezeway, to the door as a white figure making his way to the house.

The tender love I thought we shared has turned out to be nothing more then his drunken alcoholic desire to feel needed by someone, nothing more...no commitment, no hope, no...yearning. I thought we had something special...what a fool I was...what a waste of time. (5-yrs.) And to think we were even engaged at one point. What a joke. But this post is not about him, or us, it's about my hunger in life.

So in that, how will I ever know my true mate? How will I see through the mist? How will I "believe"?

The longing in my heart is so rich and I want to be open to receive love when it brushes my face.

:(

Cyst

Geez, what a time of it. I used to be a big tanner, the darker the better and as I got older and the body got uglier I started going to the tanning beds instead of exposing my body to the public. (eeek)

Two years ago I had to have a cyst removed from my chest which they said was a "sun cyst". (I called it my THIRD TIT) Well...it came back and in full force. This past week I went to the doctor about it and he said he needed to drain it because it was infected REAL bad. Once he got in there, he worked on it for over an hour, digging, scrapping, cutting scare tissue and me at one point in tears because it hurt so bad. (Not enough novacain. The first 3 nov shots were bad enough, but then he had to shoot me two more times to take the pain away.) Then sewd me back up. Next week I'll have the stitches out. "ouch"

Let's hope he got it all this time. I sure don't want to go thru that again. Between the molar extraction and this cyst, I've had enough novacain to last me for a while!!

And friends, be careful in the sun, please. This cyst is just one problem I've had to go thru because of the vain desire to try and be beautiful. I have other skin issues that I know come from the sun as well. BE CAREFUL. It's dangerous out there!

I haven't tanned for two years now and never will again. The sun has changed, tanning beds are dangerous and being beautiful goes deeper then the skin.

LMAO. I was dressed up the other day, skirt and small heels, no hose on my legs...yeah, white legs...and from one man standing on the street I got a second look AT my legs. Like.... :O. It didn't bother me because being white now-a-days is no big deal, especially for me. I'm playing it safe so WHITE LEGS RULE! :)