I know I know, I've neglected you my precious little blog you. I've wanted to visit you, update you on my boring ass life, but I just never felt the inspiration of needing to shout something out to the virtual world...until now that is. You know what I want to scream at the top of my lungs??? I LOVE TO DANCE!!! And I mean, love it with every little atom in and piece of electricity moving throughout my body. I LOVE to feel the music and let my body do it's thing. Dancing is the ONLY time I love my body, even with all its bullshitty random assed, dislocation batty-ness. The only couple minutes during the day that I'm not yelling at various parts of my body are when I'm dancing. I can literally be on the verge of an anxiety attack, and dancing will melt it all away. I never feel as good as I do when I'm dancing, physically, emotionally, spiritially. I think about it all day while I'm not doing it, I dream about it...its always there with me.

People talk about the mind/body separation, and I totally know it's true. I can't trust my stupid body. It does shit all day that I just can't even explain! I feel like I have almost no control over it sometimes, which results in me literally cussing at it aloud (I know there are a few random people out there that MUST think I'm crazy sitting in the coffee shop yelling at the nerves in my arm, giving my hand/wrist/hip/shoulder/knee/ankle the evil eye). I talk to it like its another entity (yes, I refer to my body as 'it'). I feel like I'm really starting to lose that much control over what it does. I dislocate things doing the most mundane shit. Like putting a shirt on, standing up from the couch, watching tv, shopping. BUT, when I'm dancing, we become one, and I LOVE it.

Bellydancing has been such a blessing to me in SO many ways. First, I've met so many wonderful people!! I hope you know that I really have loved every minute getting to know you all! You are all such beautiful, inspiring people I've met the past couple months! I can't wait to get to know you all better! I also really appreciate every opportunity you've all given me to learn, perform, and watch other people perform! It's really been a blessing my in my life right now. My weekend activities have really helped me not be super bummed about what has been going on. So I sincerely thank you all.

Second, bellydancing is literally the only activity my body can handle. Because it is based on isometric movement (squeezing and relaxing muscles), I actually don't ever hurt myself doing it (as long as I don't do silly things, like floorwork). One of my doctors believes, as I do, that this will actually help my body stay in shape much longer than would be possible with just physical therapy. Its really a conundrum: for my joints to stay healthy, I must build the muscles around them to support my weak ligaments and tendons while not injuring them. But pretty much every thing I do to build these muscles injures my joints...except bellydance! My optimistic self likes to think that this will keep me walking a few extra months/years. I guess we'll see!

Ugh, I just wish I had forever to dance, because I know I will be in love with the art form forever. I know my dancing days are limited, which is why I cherish every opportunity I've gotten to dance, be it in my room or actually in front of people. I love it so much!

I've really been having a bit of a dilemma lately...I have these pipe dreams of running off to California to spend all the money I have learning from all the incredible dancers out there. I don't even really know why, because I won't be able to use this info for very long. And I guess I can't leave school, because oddly enough, I'm also very passionate about teaching physics (I'm weird I guess). I know that's what I'm going to do for a living one day, because I sure as shit won't be able to dance forever. Like my mom says, I've got to keep my priorities straight. But damn it! As much as I love teaching, I really love dancing more. I don't know what to do about all these weird feelings, arg!!

So conflicted...

But oh well, here I sit getting ready to grade papers, then prepare my lesson plan for tomorrow. Teaching really makes me happy...but dancing is pure bliss. So there it is. I LOVE DANCING!!