my lil winding road to...

inner feelings

tristan — Mon, 14 May 2007 22:39:09 GMT

Came across these beautiful lyrics of Pagan Poetry of Bjork... Basically putting some of my feelins into words... Pedalling through The dark currents I find An accurate copy A blueprint Of the pleasure In me Swirling black lilies totally ripe A secret code carved Swirling black lilies totally ripe A secret code carved He offers A handshake Crooked Five fingers They form a pattern Yet to be matched On the surface simplicity But the darkest pit in me It's pagan poetry Pagan poetry Morsecoding signals (signals) They pulsate (wake me up) and wake me up (pulsate) from my hibernating On the surface simplicity Swirling black lilies totally ripe But the darkest pit in me It's pagan poetry Swirling black lilies totally ripe Pagan poetry Swirling black lilies totally ripe I love him, I love him I love him, I love him I love him, I love him I love him, I love him

The Great Letting Go

tristan — Fri, 23 Mar 2007 13:45:52 GMT

I'm facing a door. It looks like a new door but I'v been here before I can feel it And if I open my eyes I can really see it the door of the Great Entree is beyond this door and only at a glance the door I have to open now is the door of The Great Letting Go And darn, this door is heavy so heavy As I press my hands against these solid wooden 'walls' I feel the hurt penetrating my hands travelling up my arms into my being Dazed and confused I cry not understanding why my Light is too heavy on him why he hides from it when all I ever wanted was to let him love himself wanting to make it right I spread my wings even wider and burst out even more Light cuz I love him and it is with love I share that's just me And then there was me being sorely tried in seeing my light is sometimes too bright that it burns that it blows fuses And that sometimes just showing him the switch is enough at that time me holding back the fact that I want to heal And my Light that just wants to burst out of my chest and saturate everything and everybody with pure love, compassion and acceptance And there it is.... my Challenge of Doing by Not Doing of The Power Lies in the Non Grasping But most important.... The Great Letting Go..... To love without expectations To let him Be... and when he chooses to see let him come to me.

ACTIONS

tristan — Mon, 15 Jan 2007 18:06:26 GMT

fellow earthlings, I think it's time to take action for our environment, but also for the people that live on this planet with us. I think it's a shame on the face of 'civilization' that we let China oblitirate Tibet! so please get yourself informed and take action against this brutal imperialism! www.savetibet.org www.studentsforafreetibet.org www.tibet.net www.boycottmadeinchina.org www.2008-freetibet.org

What's that, what's happenin', what are you sayin'?

tristan — Sat, 06 Jan 2007 19:25:45 GMT

Plus Questionable Minus lemme first give all of my fans (sortof feel like 'Just Jack' here) a really quick update. PLUS: My great looking guy and I had a NY's Party over at his place. Some friends of mine, some of his, LOBSTER, delicate cheese, beautiful wines, a sommelier to tell how wonderful it is what we're drinking and some partytunes. PLUS: I had the unforseen pleasure of hearing out the 3 guys that were left at 4 A.M. As it turnes out, all three of them slept with my bf! Now this may sound a liiiiiil awkward, but I can safely say: we had a good laugh. Anyway, we're dating now for 9 1/2 months now, and I can tell ya: loving it! QUESTIONABLE: Y'all might know the person that caused the urge to write some form of blog/therapy/waddever: M (the first blog entry). In the fall I got an txtmssge from him asking how I was doing and that he was just thinking about me. We got together in a pub 2 weeks later and it's really good to see him. He tells me that friends of him, with whom he goes to bars with, start asking questions about 'who the hell this guy is, he's been talking, talking, talking about'. (and that turned out to be me) That felt sorta strange. The guy I've had a major crush on 10 months prior, telling me that I made a indelible impression on him. Just at a time when I'm happy in seeing my current bf.... Even later I read between his lines in an email that he sortof has a crush.... sometimes Life plays tricks on us! MINUS: As you might have read in an earlier post. I've had some fun times hunting the field for that special one to take home to momma. And I've also had some wise lessons thrown in front of my feet, hooohaaaa ha! BUT what I didn't see comming was that the 'friend' now known as [the officer that sleeps with another officers wife] that kissed my [the guy I like...] even took it a step further that night (naive lil choirboy that I am in believing him) and chased after him between the sheets. I found that out from one of my best buds (who's BEST FRIEND is [the officer that sleeps with another officers wife])! BUT it get's even uglier! And it didn't require my psychic powers to figure that one out. There was an elephant in the room and he wasn't talking about it. So when I asked BEST FRIEND about this guy he's sortof been dating as a BF/FB/BF/FB/? he tells me that that's over cuz the guy slept with another guy... ..... It only needed .3 seconds to come up with that name: [the officer that sleeps with another officers wife]! Now hé's gotta do aloooot of work to earn back his grace! I wish you enough air for that looooooooong breath. you'll need it. T.

tu me manques

tristan — Mon, 04 Sep 2006 21:32:10 GMT

funny. hmmm. sometime love just takes you by surprise, but why am I telling you guys that? As a lil update that is rather OUT OF DATE, me and my Belgian Browneyes are together for 6 months now. And half way on those six months it sortof happens: this feeling starts... not just a crush.... but much more apreciation of what's inside of him.... how he makes you LOL, so hard that you hit your head on the bedside, how fragile he sometimes can be... how he beautifully can open himself up to me, how he sometimes seems to reach into feelings much sooner then older guys I dated in the past, his enthousiasm, him being sooooo stubborn, how he can move me when he puts some words on paper, apparently effortles. The way he spoons up to me when we are ready for the night... but what I'll miss the most for this 11 upcomming days? his eyes. he's on holiday to Croatia. Now how many ways of getting there can I think off? tristan

what goes thru ur head when you're really fed up with a big city

tristan — Wed, 07 Jun 2006 21:34:39 GMT

Sometimes you look at your options. Sometimes you simply don’t want to. I just missed my flight. After a hellish ride in the bowels of NYC I was confronted with something that really makes me think it is ALIVE. Congestion. On my way out of this heavy body I was stopped not even half way. And I can tell ya if it happened in the heart it would have caused a heavy hart attack. Both the arteries were completely jammed. I had to crawl my way out of this stinking carcass to land in a spot were you really don’t wanna be. In this alien environment I tried to find myself an ally to form a symbiosis that didn’t cost me my life. In the end I did, but crawling along the outside costs you a hell of a lot more time. Finally arriving at one of the excretion stations I am confronted with the fact that I cannot pass the membrane. ….. I have to wait until other cells like myself are able to go thru…. Can somebody please rescue me from this place? (luckily a big blue/white bird came to collect me 4 hours later… back to my beloved hometown.

Rugby wasn't the only thing I had to survive

tristan — Wed, 07 Jun 2006 21:31:54 GMT

(rough cut) Look and don’t see. There are a lot of ways to divide groups of people. I don’t think that I found a new way but found a subject that I feel urgent to make a choice on. Leaving or Loving New York City. I’ve been around NY now for almost a week now. And I can’t tell you I’m loving it. Maybe I’m just more of a farm boy then I thought I could possibly be having not have been on a farm in my whole life. I think I’ve met my final frontier. There are a lot of things where you wouldn’t hear me object to ‘bigger’. But this is just it. How many shops can you possibly want to visit? How many people can you possibly squeeze together on an island? How long can you go without seeing some form of a horizon? How long can anyone go without being silent for just a moment. I haven’t heard my own breathing for all this time. Cars honking, busses braking loudly, people yelling in their cell phones, their cell phones yelling back at them. It looks that everyone is going somewhere in this town. Your life is either in the fast lane or not moving at all. It’s a world above and beyond and a one below all of that. The people living in the streets are apparently the only ones not in a rush. In an environment like this you would expect a lot of contact moments. Lives that collide with that one of another human being. The opposite seems to be the case. I walked down the streets today and just looked at people. And it can’t be the case that I’m as ugly as hell, but you would be amazed how few people actually looked back. I know I was. They’re or too busy on their cell phones or just walk around with a mission, not even able to make a detour with their eyes. I would think that they wouldn’t even know what to do in an environment without noise….. it might force them to listen to themselves. Wouldn’t that be weird? Anyway, it also might be the case that I’m just getting a lil insane with not being able to hear what I think, not knowing what to do. Would I be number 2.298.564 that succumbs to just not being silent and just go on to escape this feeling? OMG.

I'm a survivor, I really made it (without any broken bones)

tristan — Wed, 07 Jun 2006 21:27:13 GMT

HEY we did it! survived the Bingham Cup (Rugby) in NY, last week. wanna c me in action (for those of you who speak Dutch) http://today.reuters.com/tv/videoStory.aspx?isSummitStory=false&storyId=022dda4c544453f215720b5de081c8079033451f FRONT ROW RULESSS!!! Your tight head prop.

ULTIMATE EXTREME STRAIGHT MAKE OVER

tristan — Sat, 08 Apr 2006 14:40:58 GMT

You know, I never really digged cars. thought taking about it on birthdayparties was something for my straight counterparts that had trouble with there testosteronelevels. I mean to say: they didn't get their rocks off. Ofcourse I had no trouble what so ever in that department. So taking about cars seemed like a waste of my time. Things changed when I got my first car 3 years ago. This probably sounds weird to you guys overseas, but owning a car in Amsterdam means: 'headaches'. It was a Peugeot 307. Darn from the moment I owned the thing I was hooked. And the worst part was that I ALSO became a guy who tagged in on those CAR-talks during parties. And come to think about it... the other part of my introduction became truth aswell. Anyway, a couple of weeks ago I got myself a nice guy to hang around with AND I just started a new job that comes with a company car. (allways very handy) I was getting really exited about the car I was going to choose. Would it be a Peugeot 307 with full leather options (no chaps included) or the 407...???? orrrrr the Audi A3 Sportsback.... sleepless nights were the result. And then you find out that you don't have to choose at ALL. You just have to pick the car that is still there in the car-pool. There ...ooops ...... gone was my A3 wet dream. Outta the window. No sexy black sporty car for me.... NO I fell pray to the ULTIMATE EXTREME STRAIGHT MAKE OVER!!! As some of our Borg-friends from far away would put it: 'resistance is futile', there was nothing I could do to safe my sexy looks. I was sentenced to drive a: RENAULT SCÉNIC GRAN TOUR the thing is allmost as high as I am (6.1'), has a beige interior (eeeehhhwww) has séven (7) modular seats that you can rip out at your desire, the thing is 'DESIGNED for FAMILIES' and every day I find out something extra that makes me go: haahahahahahaaaaa HA! The last couple of days I found out that my car has: 1: a lock away convex mirror in the roof that allows you to keep an eye on the brads in the back (or in my case, cute rugbyplayers from my team. they will fit in it really well incl. sportsbags and thát fits my image a whole lot better then a battery of kids) 2: sunscreens that are intergrated in the backdoors and can be pulled up to prevent those thin babyskin from the punishing rays of the sun 3: a childlock on the doors... (I suppose I can use that when I got myself a nice bunch of guys trapped in there...) 4: Navigation... AHHH a tool that 'DAD' can use. 5: chair 6 & 7 can pop out of the floor of the 'cargo bay'. 6: I dont even have to unlock my car with the keycard... no it...(hmm, why not call it 'KIT')(yeah, I'm a closeted Knight Rider lover) recognises the card within a meters distance and when you touch the doorhandle, it flips open... 7: I can pretend that I'm a rocketpilot! there is a big START/STOP button on the dashboard. 5....4....3...2....1...Ignition..... We have LIFT OFF. 8: underneath basically éveryones feet is a secret door leading to MORE space to fill with toys....(hmmm...) 9: I have a TOW BAR! At this stage I really started to look at girrrlz again.... sorry let me rephrase that: women with at least 2.4 children to fill out my seats. 10: I have parking assistance. You know those things that start squealing like a squished cat when you're too close to any object that gets in your (rear's) way. I could never understand why men would want such a thing in cars since half of the population of this planet walkes around with way too much testosterone anyway (that is linked to spacious insight). 'We' men know how to use that insight for hundreds of thousands of years. I.e: we had to locate a potential mating friends on the prairies to take care of the species. With that in mind: ' Who says I can't park my car in that tiny spot overthere?' AND TODAY, I found something that could make me happy for at least 1.5 weeks. Underneath my chair I unwillingly opened a secret door.....that was leading to the:....... 6 CD changer/player/thing... WOOOOHAAAAAAAAAA NOW THAT'S something for daddy to play with. (untill I get my Ipod next week and I'm sure I will find a hole to plug that into) As you can imagine...I'm still hoping that someday a 12" flatscreen will pop out of the ceiling so I can watch Bob The Builder.... how a car can ruïn a trendy, modern, metropolitan gay image.

Life Long Learning

tristan — Sat, 08 Apr 2006 13:51:20 GMT

I even start to buy my own shit here. BELIEVE it! For the first time I'm really not expecting anything from a guy I met. (allthough that's what I think I do... orrrrr rather don't do) Anyway it's funny cuz all the things that are different from all the guys I usually dig are here. He lives 2.5 hrs away by car. He lives in another country (OK, Belgium isn't thát far away) He is a lil shorter. (whilst I normally go for 6.1' and above) He is 21. (that took me a while to get used to, but believe me he's a MAN) He has a Spanish look: dark hair, thick black eyebrows, brown eyes, 3 day beard, beautiful lucious lips. sometimes you find luck in a very small corner far far away... who knows.. Meanwhile I'm in front of my altar... 'the power lies in the non-grasping'

Kiss and DON'T tell

tristan — Sat, 08 Apr 2006 13:36:22 GMT

Dudes lemme get your opinion about one thing: a friend of mine last week told me that he had been snogging [the guy I really like] (ok add -ed after like). You know, the guy from last episode's 20 minutes of drama. He still hadn't commented. But when I read the lines that appeared on the screen during the chat I had with this friend it ALL became clear. Am I the only one who honours the 'Never fuck another officers' wife' code? I mean, the guy wasn't even 'water under the bridge' for me and he moved in on him. Come on. When you go out and kiss someone that left me hanging somewhere in the dark: DON'T TELL! I'm open to all your funny advises and thank you dearly for them. Tristan

WATCHING SEX AND THE CITY IS DANGEROUS FOR YOUR HEALTH (so wear protective gear)

tristan — Wed, 22 Mar 2006 23:55:17 GMT

YO YO YO. seriously I SWEAR watching too much of those 4 'sisters' trying to make their way through the battles of (getting a)lovelife is hazardous and seriously compromising for your own. As you can imagine...the story continues and I've hit the pavement again. Not so frontally as in my first blog, thank SOMEone upthere for giving me some form of brakes. But this one was a crash comming from 3 sides (hey I haven't read the manual for that game yet!) picture this; Player 1: ex bf, drama, drama, drama, i hear he's dong well but a good friend of mine thinks he's putting powdersnow up his nose Player 2: the guy I start to like more and more. By far the prittiest I've éver dated, but not really his heart on his sleave. Player 3: this guy started out as a FB (Fuck Buddy for those 2 of you who don't know what that means) had mindblowing sex, slept over, had breakfasts in the late afternoon, I find out he's even very spiritual. But he wanted some distance cuz I wasn't really up for a relationship. Scene opens in a trendy gayclub in Amsterdam: I'm out on the town with 2 of my buddies and am pissed because the guy I like hasn't called in a week and the last thing I did was getting out of his bed. That was the saturdaymorning prior to that. So they say: don't be a sissy: txtmssge the guy! so I did: we're up for beers, wanna join? [the I like you guy] : I'm outta town, but enjoy. x [Me]: hmm, darn. would have been nice to c him and introduce him to some of my friends. hey, we've been seeying each other for 6 weeks. ...sortof. [Me] (after a bit too much beers) txtmssge: Goddammit, I'm thinking about you a lot. What the FUCK do you feel? [Me] (after thinking that wasn't a clever move when ur drunk) txtmssge: ok, i'm a bit drunk. [the I like you guy] : (......) prior on that evening I run into a friend of my exbf. I chat up with him and ask how he's doing and how his new job is comming along. I then ask how my exbf is doing (hey, I havent seen nor heard from him this year). He looks me in the eye saying that he thinks that's rather nice of me to ask but that he's actually prohibited to tell me ANYthing about my ex's wareabouts or if he's fine. He laughs and tell me that he's doing rather nice and he's partying a lot. later on I confront him with the idea that a good friend of mine (bartender) has: 'the boy's behaviour is really starting to get weird, I think he's on cocaine' (that blew me outta the water then), so I move in for a 'yes' or a 'no'. And the question that I ask if he put's something up his nose is met with an affirmative nod of the head and a quick 'oh, but that's not me'. Picture: Sunday's Happy Hour. (like sardines in a tin can) I'm in very good spirits, the 'I like you guy' hasn't called yet, but I assume he's still outta town. My FB-that's-starting-to-become-a-friend is there aswell, rugbymates are all over the place and... ahh there's my exbf. [the exbf](walking by and shouting): 'you put out fucking hearsay that I'm on coke!!!!!' [me] gasping for air, thinking how the fuck does he know that I think he's on shit? I only told 2 very good friends and they don't c my exbf. mumbling something that I'm worried about him and needed to be sure. [the exbf] drama drama drama, shouting, and sortof meaning that I had to be very cautious or otherwise...(oeeeww) and that I'm the only one that I need to close examine. As I was just talking to a guy I just met, 2 pubmates yell at me: that was not chique, catfighting w/ ur exbf!!!! I looked like I saw water burn I guess, cuz I didn't really comprehend what just had happend. Later that night: exFB and some guy we met via Gear Fetish and some friends of him are moving to another bar. chatting, talking, laughing. ok... my exFB and this guy start talking up. Later on I'm having a long talk with him and when we decide its time to go he seriously starts to snogg the guy right infront of my eyes. [me]: getting a little weak in the knees cuz that's the 3rd guy he kisses in front of my eyes in the past 3 weeks offer him a place to sleep after they unlocked, cuz he needs to go home by train. He declines. Monday: I feel really fucked up. I tried to be nice in really worrying for my exbf. Instead having one of hís buds twisting the story into his own advantage and leaving me with a battered ego and a big questionmark. the guy I like: (............) still hadn't commented or anything and feeling bad about that too. [me] : also feeling weird about the exFB/friend who snogged the Tight Head Prop from my rugbyteam, some guy the week after and now this guy we know via GF. Meanwhile across town the day after: Today: After some talks with friends that say that I should let my feelings prevail: GOD am I really starting to look like 'some of them girls from HBO?' Finally I think I came up with the solution.... 1: too bad for the exbf. although I really want to help you, you don't want that. 2: Guy I Like is cute but doesn't push my buttons as much as I think/wanted/hoped he would do (and doesn't know how to communicate...) (DARN I ATTRACT THOSE GUYS LIKE BEES TO THE HONEY) 3: SHIT I think I have to admit that I'm having more feelings for my former FB then I thought I would ever have. GOOD PLOT. I didn't even think that was possible.... so I write him an email expressing that allthough he makes me feel really comfortable, happy, sexy, and that we can laugh and talk. [exFB]: Calls Me. [me]: owwwww, shit how will he take it cuz he had sortof simmular feelings a lil earlier... and can I convince him that he's the guy I want to explore more with instead of [the guy I like]. Stage Left: bring on the side curb!! CARRIE IS READY FOR YOU!! You can imagine what comes up after the commercial break. march 22nd. Tristan (you know, sometimes I even make myself laugh about these straaange situations I drag my ass into)

Can one be too nice?

tristan — Tue, 03 Jan 2006 13:14:05 GMT

Yo, just hear me out. I dunno about you, but for me it's getting painfully clear. I've become what I allways was afraid of becomming (besides the gaypart, did that, done that) I am too fucking nice. Perhaps I shouldn't have been on my knees in front of an altar so much... the reason why I'm questioning is the fact that I had a date the other day. He was really looking forward to it. And as a matter of fact, I was too. I can tell you: I really had a great night. Met lots of people that I'd never had met If it wasn't for him. The only catch was: I didn't meet HIM. The dude just didn't show up. txtmssged him, no reply. left a mssge on his anweringmachine (hey, mayb his mom was rushed to the hospital, he could have walked under a tram on his way to meet me whilst having his head in the clouds. A day after that I get a louzy email: he's just too embarresed to admit that he as an enthousiastic, creative director had been asked to assist a project and he forgot about me. He was a perfect example of 'being pittyfull the dummy guide' 'oh, i wanted to die when I got ur txtmssge', 'I feel soooo hhooo hooooo stupid, such a loser leaving you there that I just keep quiet, so I don't have to face the confrontation'. My first reaction was: you loser. But then my Buddhanature kicked in and thought: OK, ease up. what's up, just give the guy a second chance, he's definately feeling bad about it. Show him that I'm a good guy, not driven by a pissed off ego. And indeed, i send him an email. proposing another date... although he wasn't getting off that easy... he had to CALL instead of msgging/txt/voicemail. Aparently that was too much. Having to deal with kindness instead of being pissed at he never even had the guts to take an open hand and he didn't even answer the email! What now? are men nowadays not capable of reacting to a nice guy instead of being thrown in a BASKET OF SHIT? he changed his profilename on a datingsite... saying in the title: 'ISO trouble' LOLOLOL. Well boi, keep heading in that direction and I'll even KICK YO BUTT myself, I'm sure it will be an ENLIGHTING EXPERIENCE!! T.

How intense feelings sometimes blow fuses

tristan — Sat, 10 Dec 2005 16:17:19 GMT

Life is soo full of ways to show you how you are growing and evolving. Not every lesson is joyfull, I might add. LOL I met this guy (M) 2 months ago in a pub here in Amsterdam. He was with a friend having fun and I just chatted up to them. M is a lil shy and I was asking myself what he was doing here since it's a gaybar. (lesson 1: never assume). Had a night of fun talks. FFWD: last month I walked into him again in another bar, and got into some really good conversation. He just turned 28, is not really OUT and not completely at ease with himself being gay. I started to really like the guy. I've been around so to speak and this is a Lotus in a muddpool I can tell ya. We really got connected and just as I thought: darn, i want more, he says: I really like to get to know you better (lesson 2: make sure that phrase is the same in all your thesarus's) We walked hand in hand thru the dark night to his home for drinks and we end up cuddling up close and saying: ur too nice to have sex, let's take things slow. I was like: hell yeah, I definately wanna know you better. I spend a while watching him wake up the next morning... bliss (he's mediteranian/caucasian so a lust for sore eyes) I feel a warm glow rise up in me. week after that I invited him over for diner and afterwards I took him on a surprisetrip to the beach. just sand, darkness, wind, sea 2 downjackets, torches and a bottle of champagne. He was swept of his feet cuz this was the first time he ever had diner over at a guy's. (lesson 3: hold your horses if the barnfence is still closed) He's all a bit bewildered by the contrast between me and the guys he meet s in bars and let's me know that he needs his time to adjust.... as I see the beauty he has inside of him, I give him all the time and space he needs. I call one's a week and let him come to me.. like holding him with an open hand. Doing by not doing. we go out, talk talk and talk about feelings, acceptation, fun, sex and intimicy between guys. Meanwhile across town..... friends throw lots of different things at me and some I can sum up for ya: 1: Are you out of your fucking mind? Read the <PEEEEP> signs that say: KEEP OUT: WORK IN PROGRESS. Guys fresh outtof the closet are to be kept at 2 arms length. 2: I am still with the first guy I met 3: ooohh, but he's soooo cute 4: is he top or bottom? 5: if it doesn't work out between you... eh can ..I uhm Tarotcards are drawn, ex mother in laws consulted (yeah I do have a great relationship with one besides being the (gay/whaddever) exbf of her daughter) the whole FULL MONTY. Offcourse not with him knowing it. 4 weeks pass by... and only after some serious chanting and meditating I can resist start biting my nails. M's not really sure of his own feelings and I (being the Florence Nightingale that I am) am calm and caring. Encouraging him to walk his own path no matter where it heads to. (my head would have been a good pitstop) Last night I slept over at his and while he was getting it on with me this morning I thought: Hell yeah, let's get down to it (a bit) The boy crawled from underneath his rock! Not going all the way, cuz I wanted our 'frist time' to be something to remember... you know... candlelight in amounts that would make the video of Madonna look tiny. Massage him (im a PT) and put on some chill vibez. But I couldn't. Hey there's only so much a guy can take. Years back I wouldn't have had any problem with it, belieeeve me. But now after 5 weeks I needed to know.... 'Now do you or do you not dig me?' I thought this was only a women's thing... but boy was I in for a surprise (next lesson) As my Mr. goes down south, I feel the akward feeling comming up: I don't wanna have sex with you untill you say you really care for me and want to take another step into ... whatever you call it. (lesson of really giving urself what you need, physically and mentally) That pritty shocked me cuz I now officially belong to the group of 'I'm not giving you any untill...' ..... oh my god. I like sex, don't get me wrong, but ... I'm sooo fed up with the passionless, loveless, most of the time even shallow physical 'going thru the motions'. My ratio came back at the right moment, just at the time he said: "This will not work out." he really tried, but it just wouldn't work out between us. I didn't only blew his fuses, I blew mine too. Trying to do things in line with my feelings and taking his situation in acount, giving him the time, not rushing things, not wanting things, not claiming him and respecting my own feelings and try to be enlightened here i forgot the most simple lesson: You cannot expect love to grow when there's a seed missing. By now you would think that after blowing alot of 'fuses' I might know to read the signs. Ah, wrong. funny to see that when you think you're all that... you simply are just a rock on a beach trying to befriend the pebble beside you... not seeying he's out of reach. M, I wish you all the best on your journey and we'll c how we will get along in our lives. Namaste Tristan novermber 10th 2005