Bloggity-Blog

I used to dance

SUNAYNA — Wed, 07 May 2008 20:12:52 GMT

Everytime I look at my Yaa Halla Ya'll flyer, I seriously wonder.....' who the hell do you think you are?' I mean.....I don't dance anymore. I can't remember the last time I seriously tied on a scarf and truly danced. I mean, sure, I've jigged around my front room to some pop song, recalling days of my youth at clubs and events, having a great time and getting lost in the music. But now, with work and school and a demanding husband who just can not leave me the f*ck alone sometimes (uh yeah....another story) I just don't have the time or the money.....*especially the money*......to dance like I used to. My husband loves to tell me, when I whine or lament about this....'honey, you have a million of those DVD's. Just throw one in and practice!' Yeah.....is he going to leave me the hell alone for the next two hours so I can? F*ck no. Dinner needs to be made, phones gotta be answered, wash needs to be done, homework and blah blah blah on and on and on. It starts sounding way too much like some lameass excuse, and right about there, I just throw in the towel and go 'fine.....I just won't dance.' But some part of me is just waiting.....biding her time, I guess you could say. This school thing isn't gonna last forever, and neither is my lack of funding. By the end of this year, I will be working at a salon, making a decent wage, and I will DEMAND to have woman-time again. Time for me.....without him. I'm getting my gym membership back so I can go back to my yoga class, and I'm calling Stacey Lizette the second I get my first paycheck to arrange a regular dance schedule so I can get my ass back into a fringe belt as quick as possible. It's the waiting that's a killer....... Oh, and Yaa Halla was going to be brilliant this year.....Rachel freakin' Brice is teaching. God, what I wouldn't give to see that woman dance again. And Aziza....how can you NOT love her??? I need to get it together..... Recently, I caught an episode of 'Step it up and Dance' on Bravo (since Project: Ruwnay is over, there's really nothing else on) and on it, one of the judges tells a performer 'As I watched you dance, I just don't believe that you must dance to live.' Did I ever need dance to live? Have I ever had that passion for anything? I obviously need to do some passion searching.....I know I've got it, but I'm just not sure it's for dance.....but then again.....maybe? All I know is.....I hear that music, and I can't sit still. I have to get up and I have to dance. Maybe not well, maybe not in a way that's pleasing to all....... but I have to dance. Maybe I've got it after all.......? I'll think on it and post once I've achieved my epiphany.....

I'm shocked

SUNAYNA — Fri, 02 May 2008 03:19:33 GMT

Remember the ratty bitches I wrote about? Well, that clique is still alive and well, and frighteningly they have won a teacher over to their side with regards to school discipline (she turns a blind eye to when her lil darlings break the rules, but the second one of us that isn't clique does and man, we get slammed!) but there is some hope on the horizon. First good thing......the lil bitches will be graduating soon, and once they are gone, they are gone for good. Second, the other teachers know what's going on, and they aren't letting her walk all over everyone like she was initially. Thirdly.....they are realizing that slowly but surely, as more of their group graduates, they are losing the ability to look all boss. Just the other day, one of the bitches was actually........: drum roll : nice to me. It's really surprising at just how rediculous all of this has become, but slowly it's getting better. The other day is just one instance of proof that this isn't the end all-be all of this.....that eventually I will be away from school and out in salon world where I can do some great work and get paid handsomely for it. Shocking.......

my fellow students

SUNAYNA — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 05:22:30 GMT

I go to school with some serious bitches. Now, I dont mean that all nice and fancy like Christian Siriano.....'fierce bitches' they are NOT. Its not worth replaying the whole thing, but......ugh....I can not stand bitchy lil rich girls who go to school on Mommy and Daddy's dime, meaning they wont and dont appreciate what they do. *Very* frustrating..... Tomorrow is a new day tho.......too bad they will still be lil bitches tomorrow, too. : breathes in.....breathes out :

Feeling happier, much better

SUNAYNA — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 05:49:55 GMT

Things have definitely improved..... I went back to school, and have gone every single day. I am doing great, I made $42 last week in tips from happy, satisfied clients, and my teachers are smiling at me again instead of doing that 'where the hell have you been?' scowl. Its been great......*this* is how I should feel every day I walk into that salon :) Ive been getting outside each day, even if its just a small walk around the block. Im dying to be near water again, but being near the river has really helped boatloads. A really amazing thing happened about two days ago, too! I got my invite for Yaa Halla Ya'll 2008!! I am totally revitalized.....RACHEL BRICE IS GONNA BE THERE!!! And not on the Tribal Thursday thing that you have to pay extra for......she's really teaching!!! I am saving up my tips to buy my ticket.......and starting to bust my ass to get back into the swing of things....... progress!

my husband saved the day

SUNAYNA — Mon, 24 Mar 2008 19:49:44 GMT

the darkness has lifted somewhat..... that awful day that i wrote in my blog about how terrible i felt.....i finally just broke down and cried. it broke my husband's heart to see me crying like i was, and he took me in his arms, and asked me what i wanted most right then. 'to be near water' was all i could think to say i miss those long walks i used to take on the beaches of Oceanside, CA, where no one cared who i was or where i was going. id walk for hours, just letting the sand squeeze between my toes.....it was glorious. i couldnt believe as i thought about it that its been nearly 3 years since last i walked on those shores. my husband got me to get dressed, and in a matter of minutes, i found myself down at Lady Bird Lake, which is another way of saying Town Lake, which is another way of saying the Colorado River (people in Austin love to give everything five jillion names.) he let me go and sit quietly on a rail next to the water and i just sat there and watched it go by, listened to it jurgle and gurgle.......it wasent quite the Pacific, but i took what i could get. and so i sat there for a long while, then we went for a long walk around the lake, at least a good two miles. my mood improved 200% we walked until my hips hurt, and then we headed back.....worn out but happier. i dont know if it was just the exercise, or maybe the sunshine, or just being near the water as i requested......but i at least didnt feel like i was drowning in black oil sludge like before. i felt a bit brighter....not quite out of the hole, but at least not stuck at the bottom. as Amanda says.....small steps.... we are going again today......and i know it will help me get one more foot higher up the ladder and out of the pit....

ive lost something

SUNAYNA — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 17:39:56 GMT

i seriously dont know who the hell i am anymore. i used to define myself easily not that long ago....'hard worker'.....'court clerk'....'bellydancer'......'happy human' none of these things are me anymore. i havent danced in ages. i havent been happy in a long time. i lost my job that i really did love because i moved to Texas. my life has truly sucked since making that move. i regret it more and more every day. this isnt my home. im afraid it never will be. its just too diffrent, its not what i know. i want my old life back. i want it back so bad i could cry. none of this is my husband's fault. he is honestly a really good man, and he wants the best for me. but every day i sink lower and lower into this depression pit. today, i sat here, finding more and more reasons not to walk out the door and go to class. finally, i just realized that i am afraid of walking out that door and finding more reasons why im not good enough, or at least as good as i used to be. i miss my body. its grown so much since moving here. i mean, ive never been svelt, but damn......i cant fit into any of my california clothes anymore. i cant fit into anything anymore. im so sad..... and headaches....my God they are happening every day. every single freaking day my head is killing me. go to the doctor? you know, id LOVE to go to the doctor, but i dont have medical coverage. i cant see a doctor.... i dont know how things got so out of whack, but a solution to all of this seems so far away. i cant even cry because i know it will enrage my headache even more......its just really dark here and i cant see much light at all. no, im not suicidal......im too afraid to die, so dont worry about that. im not worrying about it. but i know i am just.....terrible right now. sad, terrible, and wishing i could go backwards, and see my life again.......because the one i have right now, is awful.

I have a secret....

SUNAYNA — Tue, 04 Dec 2007 08:09:14 GMT

I can't believe I'm posting this, but.....in the back of my mind a little voice is telling me 'no one reads this anyways, your safe.' Even tho I know every now and then, someone does. I recently met a very sweet, very gracious dancer named Amanda. Amanda is cool. She is that amazingly cool girl you probably saw in college, the one with the beautifully feminine body and sweet face, the one you knew the hottest guy you know would probably fall for. Her long hair is dressed in dreadlocks, all knotted and honey-golden, and her smile is demure, coquettish, like she knows the mysteries of the universe, but promised God she wouldn't tell. Anyways, I met Amanda and watched her dance, which was a treat in and of itself. That she turned out to be super sweet and fun to hang out with made it all the more amazing. And then it got even better.... Amanda is a dietician, a damn good one. Credentials all over the place. So, being the goof that I am, we talk a little shop, a little business, and I admit Im a poor full time student barely getting by with my stupid lil $7 an hour job, but that I have some mad skills when it comes to sewing and crafty shit. We chat more, exchange information, and I eventually drive home with visions of 'maybe she can help me lose some weight' dancing across my forehead. After the new year, I am going to see if I can work something out with Amanda, and get myself on a program that will help me deal with being lactose intolerant and maybe lose some weight. She kindly directs me to her website for some self-education, since she will be out of town for the holidays (like most people are) and what I find there unlocks my ultra-secret door of evil without my permission. No doctor has said so, I have no insurance to even find out......but considering what is known, and the symptoms and such.....I have an eating disorder. I'm bulimic. It sounds disgusting and humiliating to even think the word, much less speak it out loud. Yet as I read medical site after medical site, it became clear it's what I have, and have had since I was in grade school. I have always been overweight. I remember a summer in which I wasent, but I was with my grandmother for 3 months straight, and she monitored every morsel I put in my mouth. After 'Grandma Boot Camp' I lost 35 lbs and returned to high school as a sophomore wearing lean size 8 jeans, sporting a 36C rack, and apparently lookin' damn hot. The wolf whistles scared me half to death, and the fact that all my guy friends were suddenly looking at me diffrently made me seriously uncomfortable. The weight went back on in seconds flat. Back then, I remembered always thinking 'at least while I'm fat, I know who my friends are and who really likes me for me. When your skinny, you never can tell.' It's been years since those days, but I still dream of being thinner. Not an hour goes by that I dont want to be thinner. Im not kidding, its on my mind 24/7. I thought this was normal......every woman does this, right? Yet, I admit that I do terrible things to make it not happen.....and I dont know why. I eat in secret, even tho I know what Im doing is wrong. At the time, I have no morals, no ethics, no self control.....all I can think about, if Im thinking at all, is 'it's what I want, and I want it now.' A bowl of ice cream or fast food combo later, I feel a wave of calm wash over me and I feel relaxed. And then it ends abruptly, and all that is left is a self-hatred that I wouldn't wish on a roach. This cycle has repeated itself for years and years.....and I still have no idea why. I know ahead of time it will make me ill, that I will feel sick, that I will secretly wish I could throw up even tho I wont because I am terrified of throwing up. Over and over again...... I dont know what I weigh right now, I'm afraid to know. The scale is a traitor, telling me lies. It lifts my spirits one day, then shatters them the next. Yet I know I am probably at my heaviest. What's awful is that I even almost started believing the fibs Ive told people as to why my size is what it is.....Texas fried food, lack of exercise, my husband likes me this way, getting over depression, etc. All of these probably played into the weight, but it's not the end all, be all of why I can only fit into my 'fat pants' now. Worst of all, now that I know what is wrong, and have a identity for what has caused me all this grief over the years, I can do NOTHING about it. I am poor. I have no medical insurance, so diagnosis is right out. I have no way to add in yet another job to pay for group sessions or therapy.....Im exhausted enough as it is! This in itself is enough to make me want to cry my eyes out, but I am just not in the mood to have a throbbing headache. So instead, I will do as I always do......console myself by watching my favorite dancers, and pretend that one day, somehow, someway, I might find a way to make my body and mind healthy again......if it ever was.

So far, so good.....

SUNAYNA — Wed, 14 Nov 2007 04:10:09 GMT

School is going well.....Im into my third week and not too bad. Granted, Im surrounded by 16-18 year olds who dont know shit, but......hey, I was there once, too. In any event, things continue to go well and I have this wonderful feeling, this amazing sense that sometime very soon, like within the next year, I will achieve recognition and financial stability.....wouldn't it be wonderful if it was because I won the frickin' lottery???.....but it will be earned with my own two hands snippin' hair and makin' ladies feel beeeyoooootiful :) I may have some more good news here shortly, but much depends on someone's word.....so we will see.... Lastly, some bad news.....literally 3 minutes ago, we got the word that my husband's grandma, Marie, passed away. This is really a good thing as she was not well and her health was failing. Better to leave peacefully as she did, in her sleep. Its not the blow I thought it would be, since weve known she hasent been well.....my husband is writing and trying not to cry, and so Im letting him heal as he needs to. She was a very nice lady.....and while Id only spoken to her on the phone, she was sweet and kind, the way nice old ladies are. She will be missed.....

Something to talk about

SUNAYNA — Sat, 27 Oct 2007 05:46:31 GMT

Since the last time I posted (I am not nearly as diligent as some on here, dang!) I lost that ultra cool job at the courthouse. And get this......3 weeks after getting it!! WTF!! I still dont know why, I dont know how. I dont have a fuckin' clue, to be frank, but you know what......I dont care anymore. I swear to God, this is the last time I am letting some lame ass desk job jack me up over stupid politics or whatever it was that landed me on unemployment AGAIN. I kid you not, I was depressed for weeks. WEEKS. Couldn't sleep, couldn't dance, couldn't move. I lost all interest in doing anything I love. Sewing, gone. Dance, gone. My health and well being, gone. When they say 'depression hurts' they aren't lying. I actually had a moment when the thought popped into my stupid head about doing away with myself. Yes, I know.....stupid. As soon as it was in my head, it was shoved back out again. Im not coward, I wont punch my own ticket. Still, thats how bad it was. BAD. So here Ive been moping around, kinda sad and all....too poor to do much of anything. I got to talking to a dear friend about how much I wished I could have a career. Not some lame job like the court one, but a career. Something I do because I love it.....not because I need a paycheck. She encouraged me to consider going back to school, and I honestly thought she was insane. Like I could afford it..... I start cosmetology school next week on Tuesday!!!! Yep, Im following my long since banished muse....I wanted to do hair for years, but the costs were always such that I could never consider it. Well, the student loan got approved, and Im going to school to be a hair stylist!! Granted, my life will not consist of much else other than studying, but its going to be well worth it!! Other than school, the only thing I will have going on is a gig I promised Anaid about (she knows what Im talking about!) I still cant believe it, its still such a blur......but Im excited. Im about to start down a very satisfying and usually well paying career path. And Im doing it on my own. The bad luck is over, the shadows are receeding.....I can see light again :)

HOT DAMN!!!

SUNAYNA — Thu, 30 Aug 2007 01:07:35 GMT

I'M A DEPUTY OF THE COURT!!!! I got the call last Friday about getting the job at the Court, which I was totally stoked about. Now, going back to working at a Courthouse, I was excited but wasen't really sure what to expect. After all, its been 2 years....still, I was happy at least to be away from the evils of police dispatch and all the damn drama and shitty hours that go with it. In any event, work is going along just swell, been there 3 days now......and then.... Today, not only did I find out Id been hired at a higher pay scale than Id originally thought, but I was sworn in today as a Deputy of the District Clerk of the Court. HELL YEAH!!!! Now this doesnt sound like a big deal, I still have a shitload of bills to pay down and Scott and I really need to get our own house and settle in. However, just getting into a better workplace has done wonders for my spirit. I am excited, Im back to seeing the lbs come off again (I back slid for a bit there and gained back 2 lbs.....but I lost em again this week!) and I am fired up about the things I love all over again (my husband, my future, my dance, etc.) When I thought things were going just as bad as they could be.....wow!! They are back on track!!! Yessssssssssss :)

I just can not get ahead.....

SUNAYNA — Sat, 25 Aug 2007 10:40:35 GMT

No matter how hard I try. God, I sound like a Rolling Stones song, but its true.....no matter what happens, it just seems like the debts will not go away. The timing is off, or something comes due that we cant cover right at that moment..... WTF I just want to get things paid off so my husband and I can get started on a life......thats all I want.... ...well, AND to be a kickass bellydancer....

BellahDonsah Stuff for Sale!

SUNAYNA — Mon, 13 Aug 2007 16:37:43 GMT

Currently on Ebay and discounted..... NEW Melodia Black lace over nude liner- XL 33's NEW Melodia mini pants and matching twist top- charcoal denim- XL 33's Used Miss Capezio cowgirl dance boots, gray and snake, size 8.5 NEW John Fluevog Hi-Fellowship Nicki boots, size 10 (these run small, and would fit a size 9 or 9.5 perfectly) NEW silk dance fans, large 14.5" tines, 13" silk tail, teal to purple Check it out, and let me know if you have any questions!! Everything on this list either doesn't quite work for me (like the Melo lacey pants.....I WISH my butt looked great in em, but they just aren't my style, sadly) or didn't quite fit (the Fluevogs were perfect except my calves are too large, I couldn't zip them all the way up.) Thanks!

Paypal will handle it from here...

SUNAYNA — Mon, 18 Jun 2007 17:02:14 GMT

So I called the Paypal guy and after he heard the situation, he agreed that I got screwed and elevated my claim. He said they are going to persue the whole thing with Jenna and unless she can provide me with a shipping tracking link thingie, Im getting my money back. Its not ALL the money, but hell at least its something!! Worst case scenario, I am out my initial $70 or whatever it was, I post on the Tribe about what happened overall and about losing my money, and Im done with it. Best case scenario.....I get fans or I get my money back. Either way on those, Im happy. I still cant believe it came to this, tho.....why couldnt it have been 'thanks for the money, here's your fans, enjoy!' Now Im that much closer to my performance date and still no props....God I hope this doesnt suck.....

I don't know what to do about this.....

SUNAYNA — Fri, 15 Jun 2007 01:15:49 GMT

this is not a rip fest.....i dont hate this person, i dont want to hate this person, but i am just really unhappy right now......and i dont want to be unhappy..... but this is my blog, a place to write stuff, how im feeling, whats going on in my life, and just generally things that are up with me. lately, there's been a lot going on with me, but the thing that has me on pins and needles here is my fan order. of all the things to stress, my fan order is probably small beans, but......its bothering me. i ordered 3 fans from Jenna (of Jhip! Designs fame) back in Feb/Mar. and the last i heard from her was 5/25. should i be worried? should i stress? the thing that has me bothered is the fact that if things go horribly wrong, and despite what i know about Jenna, if she just suddenly becomes an evil vendor from hell.....how do i get my fans or my money back? i have no idea where she lives or what her address or phone number is. i have no way to check on this thing but for email, and i have received ZERO communications from her. at all. none. whats worse, i see her posting on other tribes, talking about knives and selling her fans and skelts and threatening posters should they even think about posting a PM to Bonnie or Melodia (am i the only one who thinks thats kinda abbrasive?) but no emails or posts to her own tribe. im getting worried!! the thing is......i dont want to be negative about this. i mean, the saying goes 'if you look for the worst in people, you WILL find it', but......what the hell should i do here??? i dont want to be pushy or a nag, but.....is it just me? am i overeacting?? i did a reality check with a dear friend on here who said she wasent planning on ordering fans because of the massive delays in shipping, which i can understand.....but what about those of us who have already paid? i have shelled out over $200 for fans.....doesnt that mean anything? i feel like a hag for even feeling as i do about this, but.....damn, yanno?? i want my frickin' fans...... maybe im impatient.....i just know im getting worried here and i hate feeling like this about a fellow dancer..... i just hate it

Oh my frickin' gosh, I am on a roll!

SUNAYNA — Wed, 13 Jun 2007 18:19:14 GMT

I just wanted to post here real quick.....all my hard work is starting to actually show! i got no clue what the hell the scale says, but today I had the lifeguard at the pool and my husband both go 'hey look at you! have you lost some weight, you're lookin' good!' Why yes, I *HAVE* lost some weight as a matter of fact!! The funny thing is, I got no idea how much or even what I weigh....but I do know that my diet is pretty darn clean and Im swimming 4X a week and hitting an aerobics class 3X a week and will be starting up with Stacey Lizette's dance class next week.....woohoo! Look at me and my active self! So of course Im gonna shed some flabbage.... it was pretty cool that the lifeguard guy and my hubby noticed tho....especially since the hubby is my most honest critic and the lifeguard guy is 19 years old hehe Good things, people.....they are a'comin'.....this crap about losing my job is so yesterday.....

" Sorry, Reichek, but you just don't have IT"

SUNAYNA — Fri, 08 Jun 2007 04:04:26 GMT

WTF is 'IT' anyways? Yep, I got told this week that I won't be keeping my current job as a police dispatcher. My boss says I'm a terrific employee, I'm never late, my logs are always perfect, timecards turned in timely, always dressed nicely......but apparently my trainer thinks I'm too slow, too nice to people (apparently you have to be a real bitch to work as a public servant, go figure) and I talk 'in a princess voice.' Yep, you read that right......I got written up for sounding too nice on the phone and radio and that the tone/pitch of my voice is too 'sweet sounding.' I'm still floored by that one. In any event, my boss has given me about a month and a half to find myself a new job, either within the State or with some other agency. What's even better is that she, my regonal sup., and the Major of our area are all going to 'make some phonecalls' on my behalf to further help me find a job. I am appreciative of that, as she didn't have to, but still......'Sorry, hon, but we are cutting you loose.....your too damn nice.' Can you F'in believe that??? There are some pluses to this little snag, however: 1) No more shift work....I will actually get evenings and weekends off again! YES!! 2) I can go back to my dance classes....thank God!!! : already has Bahaia's and Stacey Lizette's numbers on speed dial for when work hours are officially normal again : 3) My schedule will match Scott's....I can *actually* spend time with my husband again!! 4) No more being told 'your too nice, Reichek....I'm writing you up for that one.' (I know, I cant let it go.....it just continues to baffle the hell out of me.) In any event, I was a little depressed for a while there. I mean, ever since I found out my knee injury would keep me out of law enforcement, I thought working dispatch would be the next best thing. Apparently, its not in the cards.....but Scott says it could be a blessing in disguise since it was keeping me from enjoying the things I love. He's right, not having a regular dance class has definitely been a negative.....the stagnating has gone on long enough and Im ready to grow again!!! Although it was a set back, Im glad I had the experience, and now.....Im ready to continue on towards finding my niche. :) On a brighter note, one of my best girl friends and I are gonna hit Elysium on Sat. night to do some dancing so Im looking forward to that. Ive been working on some costume elements that should look bitchin! I also finally got the hang of Jenna's choreo. #1 and will be starting up on #2 this weekend....JOY!! Lastly, I got my envelope with my YHY confirmation stuff in it, so that's all ready to go, too. Good things are on the horizon, I can feel it....now all I gotta do is snag a new job!!

OMG I DID IT!!

SUNAYNA — Thu, 31 May 2007 20:07:54 GMT

I JUST SNAGGED MY TICKETS AND HOTEL REGISTRATION FOR YAA HALLA YA'LL 2007!!! I knew I wanted to go to this event (who doesn't??) but I will also be performing. Ok, Ive said it. Its gonna happen. OMG IM SCARED!! But it will be ok, there are plenty of other girls who are going to be on that stage that it will be their first real performance. I think it will go well so long as I remember to just keep my cool and have fun :) I also ordered a few costuming books to help me develop a costume and style for the performance, and Ive got the music I want to use picked out. My fans that I ordered from Jhip! should be arriving any day now, so Im hoping to incorporate them into my performance if I can get comfortable enough with them. We shall see! and on a side note..... I LOVE JENNA! Is she just the coolest or what?? I have been doing the 'Heartbeat of Bellydance' DVD religiously for a while now, and I have to tell you, its really great fun :) Im about done with choreo #1 and next week Ill start learning choreo #2. If you have never snagged one of her videos, I can wholeheartidly recommend them!!

Insightful

SUNAYNA — Tue, 15 May 2007 07:14:19 GMT

A while ago, I came to the realization that I need to get my proverbial 'rear in gear' and break out of my little comfort-tunnel Ive dug myself into. Ive been rather sad that I couldnt find my 'happy home studio' here in Austin....yes, I admit I was expecting a Texas version on Sohaila's place (my teacher in north county, San Diego)....and while Ive been collecting dance DVD's like crazy and practicing what and when I can, it just hasent been the same. Now that things are starting to look up with the possibility of learning at Karavan and with Bahaia once my work schedule goes to regular shifts, I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. However, I also have come to a rather harsh realization for myself.... I am not taking any more beginner classes. I am NOT a beginner and I havent been for a while now. That being said, I also declare that since I am no longer a beginner, its high time (way past time, really) that I started acting like the solid intermediate dancer that I am. No more feeling sorry for myself, no more being displeased because Austin isnt 'just like San Diego.' I am here, this is where I am, it is what it is, and Im done being negative about everything. Its time to grow, and the cocoon is getting shrugged off and tossed in the dumpster for good. Step one, I got my happy ass back in the gym. A dancer needs a strong, healthy body and since I have a gym membership going on until August, I will take advantage of it while it lasts. The pool also opens this coming Saturday, so its time I got back in the water......swimming always helped me have outstanding shoulders, just the thing for fluid, snakey snake arms. Also, I decided to start looking for anything and everything I can find on how to become a good student of dance. Not just bellydance, mind you.....but dance. Long ago, I learned from a previous boss that sometimes, what makes a great student is knowing how she learns, and to make sure I give myself whatever tools I need to learn the very best that I can. I learn well by having the material written down for easy reference, and by doing the thing I need to know. Now, I have a book or two about bellydance, but what I really wanted was one that had some instruction about how to put all my dance knowledge together and actually 'dance.' Ask, and ye shall receive......I got my copy of 'Dynamic Belly Dance: The Joyful Journey of Dancemaking and Performing' by Ramona in the mail today. Its an amazing read.....there's a reason why so many well-known's in this community have given it their stamp of approval. So Im not even to chapter one, and there's a little section titled 'For your contemplation.' So, since this particular blog entry is mostly for me to just get stuff written out to clear my cobwebs, Im going to write it all out :) So here goes...... Inspiration: What do you remember most about a dance performance you liked? What were your impressions of the performer's personality? Her dance technique? The first dance performances that jumped out when I first read this series of questions was Rachel Brice, Obsidia, and Isis, all at last year's Yaa Halla Ya'll. With Rachel, I remember how fluid she looked.....confidance, strength, slightly playful in a baby tiger sort of way, and graceful in a very non-conventional way. She was really the first dancer that struck me as being beautifully fluid without being 'foo foo girly.' I thought of Obsidia right away also because while her dance was one of the very few that was gothic, I kept envisioning her as a pioneer. Here was a girl who didn't give a rats damn about what anyone said or thought....she knew her style, she had a message, and by God, she was a dancer come hell or high water. I remember thinking 'never seen Raqs Gothique before...not sure if I could do it.....but damn, that girl has balls!' I respected that. Lastly, Isis just stuck with me because here is this lady who is at least 45 years old if not older, and she just kicked ass with wings!! Id never seen wings performed before, and she just rocked it. She has this amazing smile, you knew she was loving every second of being on that stage. I couldnt help but smile right along with her.....it felt like being at a football game and your team just won the Superbowl!! Role model: Who is the dancer that most inspires you? Reflect on what it is about her that resonates with you. What qualities does she have that you identify with? Do you have characteristics in commong with her? What qualities of this role model do you want to develop within yourself? What charecteristics and qualities do you already have that you would like to highlight or develop? I actually need to stop a second and think about this one. < pause > Ok Im back and Ive thought about this for about 10 min now lol The dancer that I identify with the most and who I think I have the most traits in common with is Jenna. Jenna and I share the same sort of body type (curvy) as well as a love of the 3/4 shimmy. I swear I could 3/4 shimmy all day without a care in the world! I also enjoy her choices in costume.....the bra and classic belt over the shimmery skirts that part up the front to expose the legs briefly when in a spin. Jenna also likes to smile during her performances, which always look like fun. She also has a bit of a 'pasha' attitude in her dance (at least that I perceive) in that it looks playfully princess-ish and sexy without being lewd. When I dance, this is how Ive been told I look, and honestly, its how Ive felt almost every time. The things I think I would really like to polish that are Jenna-ish are her poise, her movement (she's not a stay-put dancer) which is always playfully graceful, and her chest locks and snap-to hip movements. I would enjoy highlighting my 'pasha' persona....the playful princess....although at times I think I would really enjoy playing at the 'smouldering temptress' ideal. Aside from Jenna, the other two dancers that I consistantly enjoy watching are Jillina and Rachel Brice. However, while I love watching Rachel do her thang and the entire tribal movement as a whole just turns me on, I just dont think I have the right attitude to pull it off. Maybe some day, once I figure out more about who I am as a dancer. As for the fabulous Jillina....my God, if only I could aspire to be like her! Where Jenna is playful, Jillina is all woman. Jillina just exudes a more mature, womanly aspect of bellydance.....this is no 'girl' you see dancing when she's on stage. She's sensual, precise, culturally knowledgable, and she just 'feels wise' if that makes any sense. You get the feeling that this woman knows all the in's and out's of the world....she's got the secret, and you sometimes will catch a glimpse when she's dancing. She's amazing.... Preferences: Do you prefer to dance using choreography or by improvishing? For what reason? I enjoy improv, mainly because its about all Ive ever done. Ive done ONE choreographed piece, years ago when I was still active in the SCA. All other dance times, its been all improv, mostly at haflas and parties where it was clear these were not seasoned dancers and it was all just to have a good time. However, I think I would enjoy doing choreographies, mainly because I think it would be fun to dance with a group, and because once I knew the moves that were to come, I could gently lace in my own little nuances to make it my own without singling myself out too much. Best performances: Have you seen or performed in a dance which felt more fulfilling or made you feel happier than other performances? what made that performance outstanding? What feelings did you experience during and after the performance? Isis and her magnificent wings just did it for me....it was just astounding to watch! She was sooo happy, her smile was just out of this world huge and real, and you just knew she was happy as all get out. I love that!! I love seeing dancers smiling and having fun while dancing. I specifically remember this one dancer....no clue what her name was, that's how much it did it for me....and while technically she was very good, she had no smile. Instead, she had this thin, cruel mouth and this dead 'my God im tired' look on her face the whole time she was dancing. Even when she did this really cool belly undulation that made her belly chain go up and down, it didnt do a thing for me because of her thin, cruel lips looking so bored. I felt badly that I just wanted her to get off the stage. I always enjoy watching Rachel Brice dance, but more for the star power she exudes and for her sheer technical abilities. The backbend!! The drop!! The belly rolls!! I swear, the woman is a Snake Goddess!! However, I am probably one of the few that doesnt ache to dance just like her......I love her style, I sometimes try to do a little 'Rachel-esque' here and there, but there's just no way. Our bodies are nothing alike, the few times Ive tried yoga I could barely do any of the moves, and I just dont know enough about urban cool to get her look right. She does inspire me tho.....I think she inspires everyone :) Wow I feel amazingly good after thinking about all this and writing it out. I mean.....wow, I feel a bit more focused here! And its 2am, so that's saying something!! Too bad I have to wait until morning before I can dance again.......

Here's whats gonna happen....

SUNAYNA — Sun, 13 May 2007 23:29:04 GMT

I spoke to Bahaia today and we both agreed that considering what will happen at the contest and what I wanted to accomplish with it, it's best that I not enter and wait for next year. The idea here is for me to grow, to gain a positive experience from the contest.....and I doubt that would have happened. *However* she DID give me some suggestions on what to do to get there, and to assure me that the second I went to regular schedules at work, I had a spot at her dance studio (she was my first pick for teachers, but my work schedule doesn't allow me to take her classes : unhappy : ) She also suggested trying events like Yaa Halla that are close by and very dancer-supportive to get my feet wet. Although I might have scored points simply for being gutsy enough to try it, overall I think giving myself time to learn stage presence and to feel comfortable being on stage will make it all the better. So, Yaa Halla.....here I come :)

SHOULD I, OR SHOULDN'T I??

SUNAYNA — Thu, 10 May 2007 16:53:41 GMT

Bahaia has the Heart of Texas contest coming up, and I am tempted to give it a try. But......no costume, no previous experience on stage, no clue what is expected of me..... Ive written to her to see what she thinks, get her thoughts, but Im nervous to give it a try even tho I know I need to break out of my comfort zone and try new things. Am I crazy for even considering this???

bein' snippy

SUNAYNA — Wed, 09 May 2007 21:21:00 GMT

I am usually not a regular poster on the Tribes I belong to.....mostly I just use them to keep up on news and to hear about workshops, that sort of thing. Of course I also tune in to my friends' bloggies as well. However, I happened to post a topic all my own recently on a Tribe I tune into fairly frequently......and someone on there (I wont be naming names.....kinda defeats the purpose really) was just really.....snippy. snippy- I define this as 'not quite a beeotch, but heading that way, definitely not 'nice' or supportive; a person who says something laced with negativity that serves no real purpose.' So like I said.....she was just really snippy. And the thing is.....normally this would upset me, kinda hurt my feelings, and Id probably brood about it for days, wondering why this girl was so damn negative and wishing the moderator of the Tribe would toss her out on her fringed ass. BUT.....not today. Im letting it go. Ive turned over that leaf. Who knows what this girl is up to or whats on her mind. I dont know, not sure I care. All I know is, if I thought she was snippy, no doubt other readers did, too. My saying anything about it doesnt really help anything. I am happy and feeling blissful now that the negativity is gone :) And the fact that the pic accompanying this thing is really kinda funny too LOL

Sage should be back!

SUNAYNA — Thu, 03 May 2007 04:46:38 GMT

she said she was going to be back on the 1st and here we are heading into the 2nd.....im going to give her a call tomarrow and see whats up and when we can get together for another lesson :) while she's been gone, i have worked on making some spinners, so im looking forward to getting her critique on what i made..... in the meantime, i heard back from a fellow dancer whose moving to Austin late this year (i hope!) and am excited to hear she might be interested in teaching and maybe forming a troupe! too cool!! ive also given some thought to seeking out Karen Barbee in San Antonio for lessons since i know she teaches tribal at her studio (or someone there does) and SA isn't that far away from where i live. maybe 40 min drive? it might also do me some good to start learning more advanced moves and how to start creating my own choreographies.....i know enough that i either must grow or i will just continue on stagnating. that 'alone' feeling just keeps on going tho.....its seriously unhealthy for me, i can feel it :(

I keep waiting....

SUNAYNA — Mon, 30 Apr 2007 10:09:56 GMT

I'm not entirely sure for what......a group of friends, the spark that will lead me towards a troupe to dance with, a teacher to suddenly show up that actually intends to lead her students rather than teach them some moves and shove them out the door going 'Have fun, but I only dance with my troupe....not my students.' Am I expecting too much here? Maybe its me. I mean, despite that I've taken dance classes for years on years, it's been sporatic.....a few months here, a few weeks there. Mostly, all that sporatic-ness was due to lack of funds rather than lack of interest. I went when I could afford it. But the thing is.....the places I took classes at before I came to Austin were more about putting the students together for recitals and getting them used to dancing in front of people as both a soloist and as a group rather than simply a dancer making some money by teaching what she knows. When I took lessons with Sohaila, there were student recitals to go to, events to dance at, until we felt confidant enough to move on to the restaurants and such. I'm just not finding that here.....and I cant help but wonder..... Either I'm missing the cool events for some reason.....or they don't exist. I'm hoping to speak to Sage about this when she returns from Japan this coming week. But until then, I keep on 'keepin' on.' I keep waiting for that special thing to come along and sweep me up into it where I belong.

SUPER HAPPINESS!!!

SUNAYNA — Mon, 02 Apr 2007 04:34:26 GMT

I am now a married woman....yay!! The service was faboo, my family was awesome, no drama ensued at all, and it was just a beautiful all around day. Im very happy and Scott is just as excited as I am. Happiness!! As for my bellydance stuff, I am now using DVD's and the fabulous Amanda's writings to supplement my dance and help myself work towards choreography skills. So far, I have improved with my belly undulations and snappy hip lifts/drops (thank you Rachel Brice DVD), my arms are far more graceful and precise (thank you Aruna 'Dancers Arms' DVD), and I just generally feel more solid with my staple 3/4 shimmy and how to better use what I know to achieve a more polished look (thank you Jenna and Raquy Heartbeat of Bellydance DVD.) I feel like I am starting to come into my own and gravitating towards making my own signature moves and such. I just generally feel more confidant overall. Much happiness! Also....I have met Sage. What can I say about this magnificent lady? The woman inspires me. I'm talking like Rachel Brice-level inspiration!! She's insanely amazing!! For those who dont know her, Sage is the most fantastic fire-dancer and performer I have ever seen. This lady is solid gold inside and out....her soul is butterfly beautiful. I was referred to her by the muse, Pixie, and I am sooooo glad that I followed her advice....Sage is the best. I took my first poi lesson just before she headed off for Japan to do shows and such, so I am practicing with them once a day if not more to polish what I learned. When she gets back, we will proceed further, and hopefully she will be pleased with my progress. I can only imagine how this will impact my dance.....both are so circular and spherical, it just makes so much sense! Mega-mucho happiness!! My new job as a police dispatcher (I think I forgot to write about that??) which began at the start of March is stressful, really focused work, but just awesome. I am really enjoying it although my hours are all over the place. The added pay is very nice, and will enable me to continue on with Sage, and go towards a new costume a little closer to performance time (Im shooting for my first performance at YaaHallaYa'll....that's my goal, wish me luck!) I think that's about it....I dont blog nearly as much as Id like, but working on my dance, stuff with Sage, and my exercise program takes up most of the time left over after work-time and Scott-time. Life is so wonderful now, tho....it just amazingly happiness!! :)

You are what you think

SUNAYNA — Sat, 10 Feb 2007 20:27:04 GMT

Since last I wrote, I have moved from one house to another, Scott and I have set a date to get married (March 31st) and embarked on a small side business that may, hopefully, end up being something far larger and inspirational. I have decided to take my beautiful creations and put them up for sale :) So far, I have sold two of my cowrie creations on Ebay, and much to my happy surprise, both parties were very excited and praised my stuff. I feel invigorated!! I'll be spending Sunday creating a new set, so wish me luck :) BUT even more exciting than that......I will be working on a new series of projects showcasing the work of the absolutely beautiful Pixie, and authorized by Ms. Rachel Brice herself! You will have to see, and I will post the pictures just as soon as they are all done......but I'm soooo excited!! I have never met Ms. Pixie, but she seems so sweet and creative.....I have a feeling just standing next to her and absorbing her creativitrons will set my hair all crackly with electric ideas!! :) Must create....must create....must create!!!