My claws and teeth and then........the relief of being able to let go!!



Some of you know me and know that I moved to Redding 5 years ago to change my life.

It seems that my spiritual growth is all entwined with learning how to forgive and how to let go. Learning about my character defects and understanding the outside perspective of what was and what is from my family and loved ones.

The reality of sub-concious expectations is that it hurts me more than anyone and not something that is focused on unless pointed out by someone outside of self.

In my past blogs you can probably understand a little about my family. What I've failed to realized is that I have had unrealistic expectations of them and what I think our family should look like. For everyone it is different. For some it is the meal at the dinner table, family game night, staying as far away from each other as possible or nothing at all.

I have forgiven a lot of people for some extreme circumstances in my life. In some cases I've taken it back for my convience and held on to it a little bit longer and with more processing truly being able to let go.

Okay, here it is, I've held on to a resentment towards my dad for a really long time. Even after forgiving and letting go of some really big stuff with other participants of my life there was just this one person of which I still carried some baggage.

Through working my steps I've been able to let a lot of stuff go, BIG STUFF. Yet I still didn't feel right. So much negativity filled my head. Always the worst case senario. It didn't really matter what I did or how much I prayed it was always there.

With the most minimal contact with my Dad I seemed to be okay. That way I didn't have to deal with anything or try to work on anything with him. As my resentments towards him continued to fester I realized it wasn't just an inside destruction, my attitude in situations and towards others affected the world around me as well.

After my mom passed away I went to live with my dad, who never really raised any kids and at almost 50 years old here is a 9 year old kid that he has to raise. I had issues back then too with everything that was going on. He was very distant and made it very clear that I was a thorn in his side. So, I kept my distance. With his feelings, words and actions towards me, my insecurities started to set in. I didn't realize or understand at the time that my personality along with all of my charater defects were being molded. The negativity and not good enough attitude that I incorporated in my life at the time has festered in my heart for years.

So, I move to Redding to get clean, go to couseling and start working the steps. I worked through a lot of issues encompassing my step-father and my mom. We started to get into the self-esteem issues and the relationship I had with my brothers. In a nutshell, I figured that the inside battle that I was having was based on the death of my mom. Yeah, I'm sure it was part of what I was feeling however, there was more to it, that I didn't understand.

In the last five years I've visited my dad once and he expressed his apologies for not being a "good dad." My attitude regaurding that encounter was also very negative. I said something like, "well, it's a little late now for apologies." I had decided at that point that I probably wouldn't see him again so it didn't really matter. His caregiver called me and told me that they were moving away. There were two totally opposite feelings going on when she told me that. There was some sense of relief that I actually wouldn't have to see him again and on the other side was some sort of emptiness. Like something was not completed. There was something that I needed to do and I didn't know what it was.

A friend of the family came up last weekend for our annual unity day to be a spiritual speaker and the night before the event we were sitting around the spa talking about what used to be. A converstation started about my dad and I listened to her share her experience and her view on what happened. Why my dad did what he did, why he said what he said. What he tried to do to make it better. All of these things that I didn't notice as a kid. Only what I had experienced first hand are the things that I held on to and built resentments with. The explanations of what he tried to do, the people he put in my path to try to help and all of the things that were going on behind the scenes blew me away.

I had a lot of thinking and processing to do.

The weekend before unity day I had decided that I was going to try to make contact with my dad to wish him a happy mother's day and to my suprise the phone number I had was still good and they were still living in Benicia. I had not actually been able to talk to him at this point however, I knew he was around and it made my stomach turn.

This is how my God works.

There was a conversation with our family friend and then some processing and then another phone call to my dad to let him know that I was going to be in town the following weekend and that I was going to stop by and see him.

We were on vactaion for 4 days with the understanding that on Memorial Day (day 5) we were going to stop by and see my dad (on the way home). The entire weekend there were my thoughts to control the situation what was I going to say. What will I say if he says this or does this. Then some more Sub-conscious expecations of what it will be.

On day 5 we went to lunch with my brother and he gave me a little of his point of view, as far as what my attitude on life had been. That no one could really talk to me about anything without me flying off the handle and how unreasonable I had been, etc. WOW, coming from him was like being hit by a ton of bricks. He expressed that in the last 5 years he could see a big change that things were different. With that I thought I was ready for this encounter with my dad.

So, this is what it did. With the conversation with our family friend and my brother and with my roommate by my side reminding me also that I WAS really being unreasonalbe and had unrealistic expectations I took it to my heart and off we went to see my dad. I prayed, oh boy did I pray. Then, we went up to talk to him. And you know what, it is okay, everything is okay. I didn't have any of those feelings. I wasn't mad or resentful. I just went with the flow. I let him talk and we laughed a bit and picked on each other and it just was what it was. It was whatever God wants it to be, and today I'm okay with that. Nothing like making an unspoken ammends to my higher power for holding on to that for so long and letting him intervene and do his job so I could have that moment with my dad.

I am so greatful for our trip. We had a great time and I am definately glad that I am home.