My Blog

Life on terms I don't always understand

Scooter — Fri, 30 May 2008 14:16:09 GMT

My claws and teeth and then........the relief of being able to let go!! Some of you know me and know that I moved to Redding 5 years ago to change my life. It seems that my spiritual growth is all entwined with learning how to forgive and how to let go. Learning about my character defects and understanding the outside perspective of what was and what is from my family and loved ones. The reality of sub-concious expectations is that it hurts me more than anyone and not something that is focused on unless pointed out by someone outside of self. In my past blogs you can probably understand a little about my family. What I've failed to realized is that I have had unrealistic expectations of them and what I think our family should look like. For everyone it is different. For some it is the meal at the dinner table, family game night, staying as far away from each other as possible or nothing at all. I have forgiven a lot of people for some extreme circumstances in my life. In some cases I've taken it back for my convience and held on to it a little bit longer and with more processing truly being able to let go. Okay, here it is, I've held on to a resentment towards my dad for a really long time. Even after forgiving and letting go of some really big stuff with other participants of my life there was just this one person of which I still carried some baggage. Through working my steps I've been able to let a lot of stuff go, BIG STUFF. Yet I still didn't feel right. So much negativity filled my head. Always the worst case senario. It didn't really matter what I did or how much I prayed it was always there. With the most minimal contact with my Dad I seemed to be okay. That way I didn't have to deal with anything or try to work on anything with him. As my resentments towards him continued to fester I realized it wasn't just an inside destruction, my attitude in situations and towards others affected the world around me as well. After my mom passed away I went to live with my dad, who never really raised any kids and at almost 50 years old here is a 9 year old kid that he has to raise. I had issues back then too with everything that was going on. He was very distant and made it very clear that I was a thorn in his side. So, I kept my distance. With his feelings, words and actions towards me, my insecurities started to set in. I didn't realize or understand at the time that my personality along with all of my charater defects were being molded. The negativity and not good enough attitude that I incorporated in my life at the time has festered in my heart for years. So, I move to Redding to get clean, go to couseling and start working the steps. I worked through a lot of issues encompassing my step-father and my mom. We started to get into the self-esteem issues and the relationship I had with my brothers. In a nutshell, I figured that the inside battle that I was having was based on the death of my mom. Yeah, I'm sure it was part of what I was feeling however, there was more to it, that I didn't understand. In the last five years I've visited my dad once and he expressed his apologies for not being a "good dad." My attitude regaurding that encounter was also very negative. I said something like, "well, it's a little late now for apologies." I had decided at that point that I probably wouldn't see him again so it didn't really matter. His caregiver called me and told me that they were moving away. There were two totally opposite feelings going on when she told me that. There was some sense of relief that I actually wouldn't have to see him again and on the other side was some sort of emptiness. Like something was not completed. There was something that I needed to do and I didn't know what it was. A friend of the family came up last weekend for our annual unity day to be a spiritual speaker and the night before the event we were sitting around the spa talking about what used to be. A converstation started about my dad and I listened to her share her experience and her view on what happened. Why my dad did what he did, why he said what he said. What he tried to do to make it better. All of these things that I didn't notice as a kid. Only what I had experienced first hand are the things that I held on to and built resentments with. The explanations of what he tried to do, the people he put in my path to try to help and all of the things that were going on behind the scenes blew me away. I had a lot of thinking and processing to do. The weekend before unity day I had decided that I was going to try to make contact with my dad to wish him a happy mother's day and to my suprise the phone number I had was still good and they were still living in Benicia. I had not actually been able to talk to him at this point however, I knew he was around and it made my stomach turn. This is how my God works. There was a conversation with our family friend and then some processing and then another phone call to my dad to let him know that I was going to be in town the following weekend and that I was going to stop by and see him. We were on vactaion for 4 days with the understanding that on Memorial Day (day 5) we were going to stop by and see my dad (on the way home). The entire weekend there were my thoughts to control the situation what was I going to say. What will I say if he says this or does this. Then some more Sub-conscious expecations of what it will be. On day 5 we went to lunch with my brother and he gave me a little of his point of view, as far as what my attitude on life had been. That no one could really talk to me about anything without me flying off the handle and how unreasonable I had been, etc. WOW, coming from him was like being hit by a ton of bricks. He expressed that in the last 5 years he could see a big change that things were different. With that I thought I was ready for this encounter with my dad. So, this is what it did. With the conversation with our family friend and my brother and with my roommate by my side reminding me also that I WAS really being unreasonalbe and had unrealistic expectations I took it to my heart and off we went to see my dad. I prayed, oh boy did I pray. Then, we went up to talk to him. And you know what, it is okay, everything is okay. I didn't have any of those feelings. I wasn't mad or resentful. I just went with the flow. I let him talk and we laughed a bit and picked on each other and it just was what it was. It was whatever God wants it to be, and today I'm okay with that. Nothing like making an unspoken ammends to my higher power for holding on to that for so long and letting him intervene and do his job so I could have that moment with my dad. I am so greatful for our trip. We had a great time and I am definately glad that I am home.

Who says you can't go home

Scooter — Fri, 30 May 2008 14:14:33 GMT

Who says you can’t go home Category: Life First I must say that when my mom passed away 18 years ago, my brothers and I went in different directions. Our life paths crossed whenever necessary, sometimes good and sometimes bad. It's the little things that we took for granted when we were little, like eating at the dinner table. Although my experience of sitting at that table was probably much different than my brothers and what I am about to tell you was probably viewed different by them as well, its just the same because we were together. I do know that there were a few years that the two of them spent Turkey day together and also a few times when Ricky and I spent Turkey day together but never a year that the 3 of us have sat down for turkey, or any meal for that matter. I have lived in Redding now for nearly 5 years and neither one of them have come to visit or have discussed doing so. I have made the attempts of being a part of their family and have even at some points depicted what that may look like. My little rendition of what a family should be. Over the years I have become frustrated that it hasn't been the way that I want it to be with them (yup, that's me being selfish)!! After my expectations became resentments time and time again, I decided I was done. Why keep trying to force something together that just will never be? I have to admit I'm not perfect and my past choices of a lifestyle is not desired by most. However, I am a different person today and only wish to be a "part of." So, this is what happened..... I called my sister-in-law in September and arranged for a dinner date for Turkey day a week early as I was making plans to come down the weekend of the 16th. She was going to talk to my brothers and it was going to happen. I was so excited. I had to make an unexpected trip down on October 19th for Angela's memorial service. When I called to cement the plans for dinner the Monday before my trip my sister-in-law informs me that my brother told her that I had already came down. So.... they made other plans? Okay, yeah, I was mad. I wanted so bad to sit down and have this dinner what an awesome event this was going to be!!! I was taking the trip anyway. I headed down on the 16th and on my way I made a few phone calls to some very close friends. Learned a few different things about the situation from an outsiders point of view. Decided I was going to take some of these suggestions. First, I was really powerless of what had happened (surrender), moving forward....Second, whatever was going to be is what was going to be (acceptance). So, third let it go (faith)!!! Truly I was ready to give up, I called my sponsor and told her this. She said, "I'm not sure I want to see you give up yet!!" Okay, well I'll deal with this tomorrow, for now I just wanted to relax. After I made an honest effort to apply the above mentioned spiritual principles some things started to change for me, my way of thinking about the whole situation. I asked for my Higher Power's will in this situation and this is what happened.... I called my sister-in-law on Saturaday, expressed my desire to have a lunch at Carrows, to sit down with my family for my b-day. She said, "okay!" Then I called Ricky and got the same response. Oh my what a concept. If I hadn't spent so much time being pissed off at what should of been and just made new plans all of that strife that I was experiencing on the way down wouldn't have happened. So, at 1pm on Sunday, on my birthday, I got to experience one of the most fufilling days of my life. The day that I got to sit at the dinner table with my brothers. At that table they asked me how far it is to Redding and how long it takes to get there. Oh no, wait, it gets better, they want to come up and visit. I got to sit with my nephews (who have cell phones?) and my niece, my brothers and their wives. It was absolutely the best b-day gift I could have asked for!! Okay, so for some this may be silly, and that's alright. For me it was an experince I will never take for granted, ever!!! -Respectfully, Scooter

My heart hurts

Scooter — Sun, 23 Sep 2007 19:11:29 GMT

It seems that when everyone finally finds comfort in a situation, it doesn't matter what it is, something else has to happen. It's enevitable!! I've lost many people in my life. In most cases I can pull up my boot straps and move on. When my mom was taken, I didn't cry, I had no emotion. I learned how to stuff it. It took me 14 years to process that loss. I've lost my Granny,stuffed, 2 uncles, stuffed, Big Joe, stuffed, Randy, stuffed, my best friend's (of 19 years) mom who was the closest thing I had for a mom for a very long time, had to be strong for the family, stuffed, Chad, stuffed, I know there's more. I can't stuff anymore...... What am I trying to say. My best friend just recently posted a blog about risks. Taking them, or not taking them. Do I allow myself to continue to grow attached to people knowing that there is a certainty that they too will go away? Well, I suppose life would be pretty boring if I lived that way. Maybe not boring but pointless. I mean what's life without love and loss. So, I get this news about my best friends older sister (who I've also known for 19 years) and she has this cancer. She's been given a life expectancy. A very short one at that. My emotions have gotten the best of me. At some points I can't function at work, driving or interacting with friends. I wondered why. With all of the loss that I have had previously you think I would be okay just stuff it. But I'm not. It's not something that one can get accustomed to. I didn't realize how much of an impact that this person has had on my life. Why does it take something tradgic to make me look at something, someone, or myself for that matter? My heart hurts more than words can say. All of that loss that I stuffed has just exposed itself. All of that hurt finally comes out. In life so far, there is nothing that I have done that I have regretted. The chances that I have taken at some points were like playing russian roulette. With everything that I have done, every loss that I have faced, every obstacle that has been put in my path, even my addiction, I know this, everything, absolutely everything happens for a reason. There is nothing that life has handed me that I haven't learned something from. These things have allowed me to grow. I've put my emotions on the front lines to allow them to be looked at, stomped on, laughed at, discouraged, and in some cases, embraced. Go for it..... So, this is it in a nutshell, this is what I have learned in 27 years. Life is not something to be taken for granted. It can be pulled at any moment, I have no control over this. Risks are meant to be taken, I can't sit back and just let life happen without participating, (I tried that it's just becomes more work for me later). I take risks in loving people and the biggest risk, allowing them to love me. Sure, it may hurt, however think of the rewards in allowing this to happen. If you need someone to know something, tell them, don't wait for the RIGHT TIME. It doesn't matter if people think you're crazy. If you think someone is doing a good job, tell them. If you think that someone is good looking, tell them. If you think someone is a good parent, tell them. I have never understood why people are so quick to jump on someone when they are fucking something up but never have the time to call the Burger King manager and tell them how wonderful their service was today. Just something to think about. IF YOU LOVE SOMEONE, TELL THEM. Sometimes people need to hear these things. You would be amazed what happens when you think about someone and you just call them, listen to the re-action. I guarentee they probably needed someone to call and tell them that someone was thinking about them or maybe they were thinking about you and were just saying, "oh, I'll call tomorrow!" Those things that most people call coincidences, um, they are not coincidences, those are things that let you know that you're on the right track. Same thing with that De Ja Vu thing. Always just do the next right thing and the next right thing will happen. Oh yeah, and when thinking about the future becomes too overwhelming, you can start with today and breathe. I'm sure this was nothing but a bunch of babble....that's okay....it needed to be put out there for someone else to sort out. So if you can figure this out for me let me know!! So, I need everyone to know before they leave, I LOVE YOU!!! Much love and respect, Scooter

Whew....

Scooter — Fri, 29 Sep 2006 18:21:23 GMT

What an awesome fellowship I am a part of. I just finished reading the 3rd tradition in the Basic Text and in the It work how and why. I am so proud of myself. I just wanted to share what I got from it or what I have become more aware of. The third tradition talks about I'm sure you all know our only requirement for membership......THE DESIRE.......to stop using. Not the final decision to or the promise that no one can promise. I have learned more recently that I do in fact have a disease. I am not exempt from its grasp for any reason I am just like everyone else I can now more closely relate to the newcomer. As a result of thinking and believing that I was in fact exempt. I am me it will never happen to me. Well it did. What a humbling experience to get my 30day chip. What a humbling experience to sit during the birthday countdown at the campout and watch all of my 3 yr buddies stand while I sit and think about what I did. Poopie!!!! I have a DESIRE today more than ever to participate in my recovery. I am excited that I get to start over. The butt kicking machine's battery is dying as is the lie. I am glad that I am me today. I am greatful that I have been given a reason to look at who I am at a greater measure. I am even more greatful that I get to be a member of this fellowship solely based on my DESIRE to sop using. I wasn't turned down for membership my second time around because I had bad credit. What an awesome feeling it is to sit and talk with someone who is going through it whether they have 1 month or 18 years and be able to say its not worth it. I am proud to be a member of this fellowhip. Thanks for letting me babble babble!!!

And the Miracle Happens

Scooter — Fri, 29 Sep 2006 18:19:36 GMT

So, if you know me I have been defined as a workaholic I have always went to school and had a job or I have had two jobs. Since I have lived in Redding I have struggled with this and at one point had three jobs. Some know I have been able to see a doctor or had a vacation since I have been here. It has been tough. I got to the end of my rope tied a knot and have been pressing through waiting for my turn. I have applied at a few places of which I would have recieved the job however, my backround check always seems to be the deciding factor. Always discouraged I would get frustrated because I had to keep on doing what I was doing and I was tierd. About 3 weeks ago I applied for a job with TMP Directional Marketing a company who does the national advertising for the Yellow Pages all over the country. They are the largest national advertisning agency in the world. They told me that they had 6 other people to interview and I knew they were going to do a backround check. So, I thought that I was through just another waste of time. One week goes by and I get a call in for a second interview and she told me that she wants me to start working for them. Full benefits, paid vacation, sick leave, paid holidays, 401k, 40hrs, etc. They were just waiting for the backround check. Reading step 3 I know that I just needed to let go and let my God handle his business. Pretty sure that I was not going to get the job but still praying for his will............ I recieved a call today........................I GOT THE JOB.........THANK YOU FOR THE MIRACLE IT MUST HAVE BEEN MY TURN.

Is it just me?

Scooter — Fri, 29 Sep 2006 18:15:33 GMT

How is it that I can have all of the things that some don't have and yet be so ungrateful. I feel selfish and like I don't deserve what I have because I cannot be grateful for the simple things that I do have. My brain always seems to pick out the things that are not right and focus to a point where I cannot think of anything else. I want to do I want to go I want to have I want I want I want. Help me out here!!!!!!!!!

Why I started Shasta Unity

Scooter — Fri, 14 Jul 2006 20:07:34 GMT

I started this tribe in an attempt to allow people that live in our area and are in recovery a place to vent, post, send messages, and chat. I wanted a place where we can all have one place to meet and gain UNITY!!! Love, Scooter