HOLLYWOOD-At a certain point in life innocence transforms into experience, teens into adults, and heavy petting into broken condoms and home pregnancy tests. Melissa Joan Hart, the curious teen witch from Nicolodeon's "Clarissa Explains All" has some grown up explaining to do in her new Reality TV series "Clarissa Explains How She Got Knocked Up."

Producer Chris Knight, best known for his boyish shinanigans as Peter Brady, said the show will be "a huge fucking hit" from his Manhattan Beac... read more

KANSAS--The Carl's Junior franchise was turned on its head Wednesday when inflation skyrocketed out of control and turned their trademark "Six Dollar Burger" into what CEO Blake Carboil called an "Eight Dollar Disaster."

The tasty 1/3 pound burger, which comes in several poundable varieties, sat on hot-shelves in dining rooms all over the country as consumer confidence imploded almost over night. "I used to love paying $3 for a Six Dollar Burger," said customer Rudy Betts, "it was like I ... read more

REUTERS--President Bush eased the minds of Conservatives this week as he nominated The Emporess of the Dark Side to fill the vacancy on the Supreme Court left by the Dorothyesque farmgirl Sandra Day O'Connor. Justice O'Connor was often a moderate swing voter throughout her tenure on the bench since nominated by Ronald Reagan in the 1980s.

"I'm happy with my decison," said the President. "I think it's a good decision. I'm happy with it" he added. Asked whether or not he thought it would be... read more

AP NEWS--The gorgeous Bay Area luxury home of perennial home run slugger Barry Bonds is constructed "from top to bottom out of steroids" a recent study shows. The study, conducted by southern California based Fagtek--a subsidiary of the Los Angeles Dodgers, revealed that, among other things, his bed sheets, curtains, table cloths, doilies, and cushions are constructed out of a "silky testosterone based steroid compound." This news comes at a critical time for the slugger who is returning from... read more

AP News--The Munchkin Land Senate voted unanimously to expel U.S. forces on Friday showing a major shift in Munchkin policy towards the U.S. The move comes at a crucial time for U.S. operations against OZ as the United States was using 2 bases in Munchkin Land for Air Missions and another base for training and equiping munchkins in the War on Splendid Childrens' Fiction.

"This is not insurmountable," said Defense Secretary Rumsfeld, "but we'll re-align regional relationships to compensate... read more

AP News--Otter Pops came under fire Thursday for "Clowning handicapped people and Americans who come from other countries" said Ms. Cindy Langford, a spokeswoman for the ACLU, who filed a law suit last week. The law suit demands that Otter Pops be removed from store shelves nationwide in an effort to make "fair and reasonable restitution" to those offended by the sweet, colorful juice pops.

Legislators on the Capitol reached across the aisle on the issue and formed a bipartisan commi... read more

SAN DIEGO -- Surrounded by safety net holdouts who fought in WWII, President Bush drew parallels between WWII and the War On Terror earning raucus applause and an occasional raising of the roof.

The president also decried the untimeliness of Hurricane Katrina for its "terror against the people of New Orleans." The death toll of the category 5 hurricane is feared to have reached the thousands. The president vowed to wage a War On Weather and spoke from the heart saying, "we will prevail" a... read more

Perhaps you have heard of this strange custom. If not, try it, you'll enjoy it. Oddly enough, it works almost every time. It's simple: add the phrase "in bed" to the end of each fortune.

A classmate of mine shared this with my wife and I years ago and it never fails to amuse us. Here are some examples from tonight:

For the things we have to learn before we can do them, we learn by doing them in bed.

Enthusiastic leadership gets you a promotion when you least expect it in bed.

Tr... read more