By Zach AssClown
Asshole Press News
update 10:55 a.m. MT, Thursday May 29, 2008

AP News – With John McCain finally getting to crawl out from under his luxurious but tragic campaign blanket, eyes are not only on him but Cindy McCain as well.

"I'm sorry, is it just me, or does she slightly resemble the bride of Frankenstein?" asked one student from the University of Colorado at Denver who recently saw the sad Senator McCain speak at Jewish National Hospital. "The speech was nothing short of watching an elderly man shit out of his mouth without a depends to catch it. What kept my attention was Mrs. McCain. I couldn't help but wonder if Mrs. McCain was attached to strings to make her look more animated or who it is that reanimates her corpse on a daily basis?"

According to some rumors, Mrs. McCain has been harboring a secret for the last 436 years. Her youthful husband commented that he was absolutely aghast at these rumors but said he would love his wife regardless. "After all," he said, "it's hard findin' a purdy wife when you look like a leprechaun that was drowned 30 years ago."

In all honesty, the inane truth of her existence simply does nothing to bolster Mr. McCain's chances at being president. The amount of money spent on nip/tucking her face could probably bring the country's piss poor economy and the dollar out its darkest hour. Let's think about it, do we really want someone whose face looks like it's about to stretch itself completely off the skull running around the world representing self-respecting women? Obviously moderation is not a value of the McCain's.

Haven't we as a nation watched too many plastic surgery disasters come and go? Do we really want to watch another public figure go nuts and turn into an ape or some other creature before our eyes? The terrifying reality is as a nation we've endured Michael Jackson and both his lust for little boys as well as his desire to become the Halloween mask version of Diana Ross. Are we ready for Mrs. McCain's scandal to follow? What are we as a nation prepared to do when she has to spend months and months in court defending how bathing in the blood of young, virgin children is not technically killing them? Then again, if John McCain is the best the Repugnicans can do, the least of our worries really should be his wife's face. When it's all said and done, she could probably just get an entirely new head when this one is stretched off.

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