My Blathering
Warning: Whiny Complaining Post...
Sun, December 2, 2007 - 10:33 AM*sigh* I feel stagnate. I wasn't supposed to feel this way at twenty-five. I'm not supposed to still be delivering pizzas, trying to hustle money based mostly on the whims and fluctuating moods of various asshole strangers, always having the threat of being robbed hanging over my head. I want to be able to commit myself to my life's work...I'm just not quite sure what that is. Some woman grow up dreaming of the day they get married and make a family, I've always dreamt of a career that would fulfill me, something I can devote myself to.
Someone recently made a post saying that they dropped things in their life so they can pursue their dreams full-time. I've been like a recovering alcoholic staring at a bar ever since. I've become INSPIRED. I'm pretty damn sure that belly dance is my life. Though I may not practice everyday (I'm trying to get to that point) I think about it constantly, from choreography, costuming and plain old fantasizing. Then the good old self-sabotage gene kicks in. I can't help but think sometimes that maybe that's all it is though is a fantasy. Sometimes I understand why people who used to have fond dreams give up and get 'comfortable' jobs and settle into 9 to 5 gigs. I don't want to be that but....
My only talents lie in the arts but that doesn't leave me a lot to work with. If I was to lead you to Kaleena Fantasy-Land, my pretend workday would consist of working in a tattoo joint during the day and performing at night. Just an entire workday filled with art. That would just be the bees knees for me. It feels so far out of my reach though.
I think I'm just being whiny. If I really wanted to, I'd be working on making a flash collection to show off instead of typing my various complaints onto a computer. I could be drilling but instead I sit here being a bastard. I suppose that's what separates the adults from the kids. Stop sitting around and waiting for something to come. I need to be proactive and take some accountability for my life, goddammit.
It's just so much easier to be a lazy fuck sometimes, you know?
Sun, December 2, 2007 - 10:33 AM -
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Mon, December 3, 2007 - 10:10 AM
My thoughts have always been career minded and I never really wanted to get married until I met David and figgered, "Well, why the fuck not?" But for the past couple years, David or no David, I've always envisioned myself working at a power job with lots of breifcases and black, tailored business suits. You know, the kind that would house a working dominatrix until the shiny underpants could be utilzed.
However, as I get older I don't care so much about that vision. As long as I'm making enough to pay my bills, feed my household and have time to devote to my passions (dance, manga illustration, and reading sappy Nora Roberts novels to Stephen King) I feel alright. I got into dancing simply because I could and I finally had the ability to do so...accepting that I will never be a big time pro at bellydancing nor do I think I'd like to earn my bread and water the way Sherry does (because what if you like...have one student show up to class and your electric bill is due tomorrow??) though kudos for her for pulling it off. I like to perform, I like to dance, so I do it for fun. But maybe you should be a tattoo artist! I could definately see you doing it. You can practice on my husband and then pierce my nose for me. ^.~ Or maybe you can open your own body mod shop, hire an artist to do the tattoos and you could do piercings (as that requires only a steady hand, not actually inking something permanent into somebody) |
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Mon, December 3, 2007 - 1:49 PM
"You know, the kind that would house a working dominatrix until the shiny underpants could be utilzed."
That's pretty damn awesome right there. I've actually thought about tattooing for years, since I've been drawing and making art since I was about three/four years old. I had been apprenticed for a sec at a shop but that blew up in my face. Remember kids; never have sexual relations with the boss...it'll only end in tears. So I stayed away from shops for awhile because I felt raw about the whole affair. Still found myself looking at other peoples' art and thinking about all of the ways I would have done it. As far as piercing goes, I did that for a milli-second and while I never hurt anyone, I realized only afterwards that my training was absolute crap in the guise of old school. Besides, I don't have a piercing on my body (with the exception of my ears). I never really dug piercing, though they are hot on other people. But ink....totally different story. I don't know, I've just been thinking about finally getting my shit together and shopping myself around to studios. The odds of me being a full-time bellydancer and being able to afford to live on it is tiny so I needs a day job and utilizing my passion for tattoos seems like a viable way to do it. I just have little to no faith in myself. It's nice to see that people get it though. I'm just bitchy and need chocolate maybe. ;) |
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Thu, December 6, 2007 - 10:29 AM
Okay, here's a long one:
Hey, chocolate never hurt a thing, so you should always start there. Next, one of the things that I learned while recuperating from a messy nervous breakdown and clinical depression that landed me in the hospital twice (long story. I’ll tell it to ya when we’re hitting the bottle in dallas, but then we’ll have to have an impromptu hafla afterwards )… is that life is ONLY what you make of it, and what you make IN it. If you are unhappy right now, ask yourself, “what is ONE thing that I CAN change about this situation? Then what do I need to do?”
If it is finding a way to get another apprenticeship somewhere , then so be it. Put your past behind and brush yourself off because no asshole or bad experience should keep you from your dreams. Fuck that. You’re better than that. You’ve fucked up. You’ve learned. Awesome, now for the fun part. Kaleena, go out there a doo it! Don’t quit your job, just get an apprenticeship :P. I believe in you. Shit, whenever you graduate from your apprenticeship, I’ll find my way over there during that big ass tribal fest over there and I’ll get some ink from you. But I can’t do that until you GO out there and get an apprenticeship :P So get to! And yes, I also often think that it is all a big fantasy of mine. Like I’m doing something crazy and stupid, like running away with a boyfriend that is in an unsigned band. But I guess you just have to go with it, see where it takes you, and have fun along the way. It’s like marriage, I think. It’s crazy and stupid and there are no guarantees it’ll work or that it’ll last a lifetime, but as long as you make each other happy meanwhile, why fret about it? Yes, you have to think about the future, but the future is something that is made from the happy memories you have and the self satisfaction with yourself and what you’ve made with your life. So what if it ends up not being what you thought it was gonna be, or what people expected of you, or what society thinks is a successful future? You’re the only person that is gonna have to live with yourself, so what are you gonna tell yourself several years from now? Are you gonna apologize for not having done anything you dreamed about? Like my grandmother who gave up her years as a concert pianist to be a “proper wife”? Or are you gonna tell yourself, “I’ve lived. Sometimes it sucked. Sometimes it was stupid. Sometimes it was just plain egotistical. But you know what? I CREATED, I changed the world for the better (either my own or someone elses), I enjoyed myself, I had fun, and I am happy. And I love myself for it.” And hey, don’t pressure yourself too much about dance or you’ll overwhelm yourself and you’ll get nothing done. Just when your body asks you to do it, DO IT. Wherever you’re standing, however long you have time for. I also don’t have time for formal practice every day, but when I’m sewing, when I’m cooking, or when I’m just lazying around the house I sneak in 10-15 min dance offs n drills. One thing that I noticed about myself is that when I pressure myself the most about drilling and stuff, the less of it I do and the more frustrated I get. But that doesn’t mean you should get comfortable and complacent with the way things are. Just change what you can and BE HAPPY, Woman!! |
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Sat, December 8, 2007 - 11:32 PM
I can't wait to hang wif you in Dallas, Daniela. I owes ya a shot.
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