My Blog

I'm obsessed with my garden

Cara — Fri, 15 Sep 2006 15:47:39 GMT

I am. You know if it were legal to grow the good greens I would be awesome at it. They would be organic and beautiful! :) Anyway, fall garden prep is under way. It's cooling off fast out here and I'm in a rush to protect my soil!

Still not green

Cara — Fri, 02 Jun 2006 22:23:13 GMT

Still looking, on a mission. It's pathetic.

Summer couldn't start any sooner

Cara — Fri, 28 Apr 2006 15:22:40 GMT

It's about time the sun came out of hiding around here. About two weeks of good weather and counting and I couldn't be happier about it. I did sell all my costumes but now with my teacher calling and asking me to participate in the parades and such I wish I would have kept one around. I've been working on making a costume but the more work I put into to it the more I keep worrying that it won't fit right for some reason. I keep wrapping the belt around me to see if it fits and it seems like it does, but I don't want to do all that beading and fringing and sewing only to find out it doesn't fit! I would be so pissed. On another note, I've decided that I don't want to drink anymore. Not that I am an alchy or anything but I do anjoy my wine with dinner or on weekends and such and it seems like my body just can't handle all those empty calories like someone taller would .. I hate that, but the less I drink the less I like the wine anyway. It seems wrong to not want it because I am so into my wine, wine tasting, cooking with it, reading about it. But I guess I shouldn't worry about it. I'm hoping this will help the weight budge a little more. It's a nice day out today, my hubby is meeting me after work with the doggies and we are going for a hike. Gotta get my cardio in the for the week and get the sunshine while I can. I keep wanting to get the mary jane which is totally fine with me, but it seems like the older you get the harder it is to find! I hate that, it should be the opposite really. I wish I knew more people who just graduated from highschool or something! I LUV my mary jane.

Fat lady sings

Cara — Fri, 10 Feb 2006 18:58:05 GMT

I give up. I am taking a bunch of clothes to the consignment store today because I know I won't fit back into them before they go out of style. This is ridiculous. I don't know how hard a person can try and still feel human but I jUst went to the stores this week and bought a bigger pair of pants to fit my fat ass into. Almost all my others are squeezing my waist and making me look fatter than I already do. I hate this, it's not fair for short people, it's like 1-2 pounds show very fast on me and if it's 10 lbs it's almost two clothing sizes up! Not to mention my wide ass looks like shit in most pants because I actually have hips that need to squeeze in there somewhere. I hate people who make clothes! I don't even like junk food! What's wrong with me. Oh and now I can't decide if I want to dance at all. I mean I really liked it at first when I started and troupe was so welcoming but now it's so competitive and there's nothing that turns me off faster than friends who are competitve. I mean that's not really friendly anyway and most dance groups seem to have at least a few of these types included that would I always have to deal with. So should I just sell my costumes and move on? Dance at home but still sell my costumes? God I finally got some beautiful costumes and I never got to perform in them. What a joke.

OK OK

Cara — Tue, 07 Feb 2006 18:34:13 GMT

I guess I should say this "out loud" just to remind myself I have things to be happy about. I'm happy I have a job that pays the bills, a husband who loves me, 2 super sute doggies who love me, 4 super cute kitties who love me, a house that we "own", friends that listen, a new carribbean restaurant in town :), insurance to pay for doctor visits and medications that keep me mildy sane, lots of bellydance videos to workout to, this blog to vent on, a nice library with tons of books and cds that I check out all the time, a car I always wanted (ok it's superficial, but all the same. It's a '74 bug btw.) , a big garden to work in all summer, lots of beads to make jewelry with, good coffee where I live.... I think that's all I can muster up right now. but it's a start.

I feel yucky and I can't stand myself

Cara — Tue, 07 Feb 2006 17:49:53 GMT

I don't blame anyone if I bother them, I bother me! I can't stand it lately. I feel like such a dumb ass all the time. Not to mention FAT. I gained this weight in the fall and I haven't managed to really lose it yet. I always gain about ten pounds every two years and then I take it right off by summer time. I don't know why, I just started to notice the pattern myself. But now only two pairs of pants fit me and I won't buy bigger ones cause as soon as I do I will lose the weight anyway. IT's so irritating cause I work out all the time. I lift weights, I dance, I hike. But I eat and drink wine and I eat some more. Like a big fat pig. Then I just lay around watching TV and then after I feel all fat like this I don't want to go to dance class cause i dont want anyone to notice how much weight I've gained. Ten pounds doesn't sound like a lot but when you are short, 1 pound shows fast. SO think of ten. 1 pound is the mass of a box of butter (4 sticks) so ten of those is a lot of mass on a small frame. It's not fair! Just cause I'm shorter means I can't enjoy the food others can. I don't even like most junk food anyway! and I don't eat meat either. ANd NO I'm not one of those mac & cheese type vegetarians. I know good food, I like healthy food. SO what's the prob? I don't know. I'm lazy and I don't care about myself right now. I just dislike being in my own head right now. I don't like trying on clothes and it makes me not want to dance cause I don't feel good about myself. Not to mention what this does for husband. NOthing literally. He can't stand it. But I don't really care and he can tell, and that makes it worse. I love him, but he still drives me crazy (like anyones husband) and after awhile, well, I just can't "give in" to him cause I feel like it's been built up to much and I don't want to think of how ugly I feel and then he will make such a big deal out of it and I don't want him to. I just want to be at home with my doggies under a blanket to take a nap. And maybe have some tea and a good book to myself.

I'm so boring!

Cara — Mon, 30 Jan 2006 17:47:19 GMT

I hate this from Jan through March where you just feel like you're waiting for something. It's not like spring is going to make any difference in my social calendar ! I want one of those light boxes that's supposed to help with moods, or one of thos alarm clocks that does that. But I think they are really expensive. I just left my troupe and I'm about to embark on new horizons with some new teachers. I really hope that I like at least one of them so I still have some "social hobbies". I love hiking and I go ALL the time, but I can be a real hermit/homebody sometimes and I need to force myself to socialize, especially in the winter. I have high anxiety (that I take meds for) but sometimes being around so many people just makes me judge myself constantly which is really weird because I'm very outgoing. But that's where the problems come in to play because I start making fun of everything I say and do and start to wish I one of those people who could just keep their mouths shut more often. It' s like I'm talking but in my head I'm telling myself "shut up cara! just shut up!"