Introspection on baggage

So here I sit on the edge of something in my head that I can't describe, but I'm going to try anyway.

Once in a while the vale of self doubt and the frantic running that goes on in most peoples heads just lifts and goes away for a magical moment or two.

So much of our lives and self perception is based on this struggle that we ourselves make up in our own minds. I wish I didn't have so much baggage hanging around in my head and heart, but at the same time part of my experience is what composes what I am now. We all need love, yet we all seem to make it into this crazy game that men and women play. Everyone including myself has been guilty of worrying about getting our own cookie that we screw up the simple beauty of it. If you are worried about what someone in your past did, you may rob what someone is doing for you right now. Too much time I have spent being hurt. Now counts.

So much of my life has been spent dealing with bitterness about past events, and who did what to whom. Now I am lucky enough to have a woman that comes to me and offers pure love. She seems to have innocence about it. Dreamie approaches me with an almost complete lack of baggage. I on the other hand have had more baggage than your average train load. I try to come to her without it complicating things, but inevitably it does. Sure my experience allows me to avoid rocks. The problem is that it poisons the good times to be had right in front of you. Life is too short to stay bitter. I'm finding it's better to leave my baggage at the door than to bring it into this relationship. Easier said than done.

I'm not monogamist, I'm just in love. I know better than to pretend to be monogamist if it does not come naturally. I have seen too many people try to pretend they are something they are not only to have the lack of honesty with themselves to kick their own asses. In the end your own nature wins out.

I guess what I'm getting at is that in the learning process that I'm going through; I can feel my own nature changing. It's always happening, but rarely are we aware of it. Hopefully I will become a better man. I'm blessed with having a girl that seems to have more patience than anyone I have ever been with. She seems to stick by me knowing exactly who I am, and loving me for exactly that. We all say that we just want someone that accepts us for who we are, but the problem is that we are not always aware of who we are in the first place. I'm trying to figure that part out. Perhaps I'm trying to figure out who I'm becoming.

I will be back on the road.

So it would appear that I’m back to being a touring artist. It’s been a few years since I have been on this long and sometimes lonely road.
This time as it stands I have booked every weekend from the end of Feb. all the way through mid June, and I’m working on more.
Now when I last left this it was certainly not by choice. Several things happened all at the same time. I was hit by a drunk driver, which hurt me pretty bad. I had the 2 main yearly fairs that I do both didn’t hire me back. My girlfriend, Darien broke up with me out of the blue after a 4 year relationship, and did so over the phone. Also I had several friends die right around that time. This is not wining, but setting the stage.
So I didn’t know when I would be able to tour again, I didn’t know when I was going to be healthy again, I had to deal with a broken heart. So it was not conducive to looking for gigs to replace the ones that I lost.
Once I did try I ran into a wall of not having any gigs on book to point to as to sway people to hire me. Usually they will ask what faires you do, and go by that instead of actually taking the 5 minutes to go check out the website.
I had a catch 22 thing happening where I needed an updated video for promo in order to land gigs, and in order to do that I had to put together some video clips from gigs that I’m doing these days. In order to get those gigs, I had to have a video. See the problem?
So it took me a while but I landed some good gigs in a string.
Oddly this year just before I did this I did the math and realized that this year I actually made better money by staying home than when I was touring. With that said I felt that I would deteriorate if I stayed home too long. I said aloud that I missed doing the quantity of gigs rather than sparse though well paying gigs. There is something to be said for having something that pounds the chops into you. Be careful what you wish for. I just didn’t think I would be landing that many gigs that fast. It all happened in about 48 hours. WOW!!!
Even more of a wow is that I have people that are willing to put their lives on hold and travel out to Texas and camp for months to help me with the show.
Ultimately I am a 1 man act and can stand alone. That is what I’m hired for. However those of you that have seen the minions, or met them in the lanes know that I have the best minion hawkers ever. I can’t pay them. Or at least, I can’t pay them well. I might be able to make them not starve, but that’s about it.
Dreamie will go with me because she loves me. I understand that. JR wants to come for the experience. JR may bring another for me as well.
So I would be a 1 man, 4 person act. Perhaps it will not be nearly so lonely this time around.
I love them dearly, but I’m just amazed that people will follow a juggler into the middle of nowhere to help me do my art. How cool is that?

Enough

I have enough

I had an interesting conversation with my martial arts teacher today.

We both made and talked about observations of the world and religions, and philosophy. Some of what we talked about was as follows:



So many of the people on this planet, the US in particular are worried about material wealth, and no matter how much we achieve in our society there is a want for more.

We in the US have it better materialistically than pretty much any humans in history.

Hell, one of the largest health problems we face is an outbreak of fat kids.

Other countries attack us because they are disgusted by the image of the fat, rude, and unappreciative American. By no means is this problem purely an American problem, but we are exemplifying it pretty well in this country.

So much of our energy is spent in pursuit of the almighty dollar, and I too have been guilty of such. In fact in many ways most of the unhappiness in this world can be traced to wanting something that you don't have. Most of these things weather it be a new Ipod, political power, or mutant ability fall under the category of want, not need. Particularly in this country we seem to worry about what we want instead of what we need. 50% of the world has never seen a telephone. If you have $20 in your pocket, you are richer than the vast majority of the populous of the world.

Master Kim had pointed out that if material possessions, and wealth could buy happiness than all Americans would be, as a rule, the happiest people in history. However they are not so. Americans have one of the highest per capita imprisoning rates, a high suicide incident, and depression is almost as common as a cold here. This is not just true with this country but several others that are associated with wealth.



In my life I have had nothing, and survived, I have had anything I desired and also survived. However I have noticed that there are times when I was the poorest when I was the most happy. I don't advocate divesting of all material possessions, but it is amazing how freeing not having anything was.



Most of all this unhappiness can be remedied by one statement that being "I have enough." This sentiment is reiterated in several religions but few ever take the time to really consider it. If you give a un-enlightened wretch everything they desire, they just desire more and more till being ruler of the universe is not enough. I guess the trick is catching you being greedy. Most of us don't even realize we are doing it. The endless quest for bigger or better toys can be all consuming.

I understand providing for a family, or obtaining a goal, but at what point do you realize that you have traded hourly wages for the good years of your life.

I also understand that someone once said if a family makes enough to feed its self that was acceptable. If a family makes enough where it is one potato short, that was strife. If a family makes enough for what it needed plus one potato, that was bliss.

My goals are a bit loftier than that, but it illustrates a point.

There are also those that say money, and sex are like air. If you have enough of it it's not that big of a deal. It's when you don't have any for a little while that they seem to become increasingly important.

I am not rich by any means, but I have enough air to breath. For that I am thankful.

I have enough.