I figured that this journal is a great place to put ideas about myself so when I finished my sexuality paper for my class I felt that I should put it on here for posterity sake. So here it is behind a cut so as not to clutter up peoples friends page...





Defining my sexuality has actually been one of the most difficult tasks I have given myself to date, hence why this paper is actually so late. If asked maybe as short as two years ago I would have simply said I was a fag (my personal preference to describe myself as a homosexual) and been done with it. Now however I realize it just is not that simple. In the end I felt it came down to four topics that help me narrow down what it might mean to me, gender/biology, who I date/love, who I have sex with, and who I play with.

I was born male to two parents that fully believed that they were going to have a daughter because the ultrasounds were all inconclusive and my mom’s gut instinct said I would be a girl. I honestly feel that they did not particularly try to raise me female, but I also know that “maleness” wasn’t forced on me either. Looking back on my childhood I would say I was raised very gender neutral. The walls of my room were painted yellow and all accents were a mix of primary colors. Clothing-wise it was always just t-shirts and pants/shorts, no suits, sailor outfits or dresses. My parents obliged me with what ever toys I wanted from toy cars to an easy bake oven. I don’t know if they consciously did it or not but my parents raised me to follow both gender roles and ideals of recreation, sports, video games, baking, crafts/sewing work. I would say then that I am indeed a proud owner of a penis, so biologically I am ok with the fact that I am biologically male. Gender is a little harder for me to pin down, so for this stage in my life I would say I classify myself as androgynous.

In my short 28 years of life I would say that I have dated (for the case of my thinking and this paper that simply means going on more than one date with someone), eight people. Two of them were female and 6 were male. Only three of those eight, I would actually consider an actual relationship though. Of those three one was with a female and the other two were male. Each of those three I can honestly say that I have fallen in love with them, but each on a different level. Melissa was the first person that I ever dated and my love for her has become that of a family member. I can not imagine my life without her in it because she has very much become not only a best friend, but a sister to me. My relationship with Tom started out as a Dominate/submissive relationship that became a romantic one that finally melded into a friendship. My love of him would be one of deep friendship. The only person that I can say that I have ever actually been romantically in love with would be Tim. He is the person that I consider my first true love. I can say with all honesty that I still do love him, and wish him nothing but happiness. Now looking at that history, what does that say about my sexuality?

Well I think that when it comes to love gender is irrelevant and I would hope I wouldn’t let love slip past me because of someone’s gender. However, all of my most recent relationship possibilities have been with men, and I’m very ok with that. Therefore I see romantically/dating wise I’m gay.

Now when it comes to sex, I can definitely say that I have done some very sexual thing with people of all varying types of gender. However, when it comes down to what I consider to be my three main ideals about sex (vaginal, anal, and oral) I have only ever had sex with men. I’m not going to say that I’m only sexually attracted to men, but they are what really get me excited. When I think about what is attractive to me, it tends to be very masculine features for example body/facial hair and larger muscular/beefy builds. Not to mention the sight of or even thought of a real nice cock starts to get my mouth watering and own dick hard. I greatly love men’s cock and especially going down on it. I would probably say that I enjoy giving head more than any other sexual act. In regards to anal sex I have tried it both as a top and a bottom, and greatly prefer bottoming. So when it comes to sex, I would call myself a cock-sucking bottom.

I very much see BDSM as a part of my sexuality, but like many other aspects of my sexuality it has changed over the years. When I first came into the scene I felt I was only bottom. At that time I was of the mindset that that automatically meant I was a submissive too, and that it was strictly a precursor for sex so I would only want to play with men. I don’t think any of that is true anymore. Yes I still love bottoming and consider myself a little piggy sensation slut, but I have also discovered an enjoyment and ability as a top. I would not say that I consider myself a switch but if the right situations present themselves I very much can play the role. Having developed this new skill and my relationship with Tom helped me break my other preconceived notions about dominant and submission. I firmly believed that being a bottom meant you had to be submissive. I could act out the part of a good submissive and do a damn good job at it, it never really felt apart of me. When ever I took on a more dominant role though I felt very comfortable and enjoyed that part. It took me almost 5 years to convince myself that it is possible to be a dominant bottom; it is just a little harder to find submissive tops. The last part of my original concept was quickly torn apart with my first BDSM weekend event, Sampler. It was there that I learned that play does not have to lead to sex and can be done with anyone of any gender or sexuality type. A perfect example of this is puppy play. The concept of having sex while in pup space is something I will not even consider, and I’ve had handlers of all types at events. Over the years I’ve played with gay, straight, bi, male, female, and transgender players. All that matters to me now is what the energy is like with the other person and if they are any good with what we want to do. Some of my favorite play is actually with lesbians because I think they have some amazing energy and if playing in public with people that know it can be a fun little mind fuck. So when it comes to play what does that make me? For now how about a dominant pan-sexual playing bottom pup.

As I said before defining my sexuality has been a great challenge. I think a major reason for this is that it keeps changing on me. Just when I think I have it figured out, something in my life changes and I have to reevaluate it all. I’m also not delusional enough to think that it will not change in the future. So for right this second as I’m typing this sentence I will say that I define my sexuality as me being an open minded androgynously gay bio-male, poly-loving cock-sucking dominate pansexual playing bottom fag. Yeah, that works for now.

Inspired by a post from popicn And I wanted to put this out there even though I really thing you don't read this but Nick does and I'm sure he'll pass it on, but for 10 years now I've had the honor of having someone in my life that has become my best friend. So I just wanted to say Thank you for coming into my life and I love ya and you are truly one amazing man. Here's to knowing each other for another 10 year and by that time realizing how old we are and forgetting exactly how long we have know each other. And as is fitting our friend ship...





Vera and Mame:

[singing]

We'll always be bosom buddies,

Friends, sisters and pals;

We'll always be bosom buddies,

If life should reject you,

There's me to protect you.

Vera:

If I say that your tongue is vicious,

Mame:

If I call you uncouth;

Vera and Mame:

It's simply that who else but a bosom buddy

Will sit down and tell you the truth.

Vera:

[speaking]

Tho' now and again I'm aware that my candid opinion may sting,

Mame:

Tho' often my frank observation might scald;

I've been meanin' to tell you for years

You should keep your hair natural like mine.

Vera:

If I kept my hair natural like yours, I'd be bald.

[singing]

But darling,

Vera and Mame:

We'll always be dear companions,

Vera:

My crony,

Mame:

My mate;

Vera and Mame:

We'll always be harmonizing,

Vera:

Orphan Annie and Sandy,

Vera and Mame:

Like Amos and Andy.

Vera:

If I say that your sense of style's as far as off as your youth;

It's simply that who else but a bosom buddy

Will tell you the whole stinkin' truth.

Mame:

[speaking]

Each time that a critic has written, "Your voice is the voice of a frog!"

Straight to your side to defend you I rush;

You know that I'm there ev'ry time that the world makes and unkind

remark.

When they say "Vera Charles is the world's greatest lush!"

[singing]

It hurts me!

Vera:

And if I say your fangs are showing,

Mame, pull in your claws,

It's simply that who else but a bosom buddy

Will notice the obvious flaws!

Mame:

[speaking]

I feel it's my duty to tell you it's time to adjust to your age;

You try to be "Peg O' My Heart", when you're "Lady Macbeth."

Exactly how old are you, Vera? The truth!

Vera:

Well, how old do you think?

Mame:

I'd say somewhere in between forty and the death!

Vera and Mame:

[singing]

But sweetie,

Vera:

I'll always be Alice Toklas,

If you'll be Gertrude Stein.

And tho' I'll admit I've dished you,

I've gossiped and gloated,

But I'm so devoted.

Mame:

And if I say that sex and guts made you into a star,

It's simply that who else but a bosom buddy

Will tell you how rotten you are.

Vera and Mame:

Just turn your bosom buddy

For aid and affection,

For help and direction,

For loyalty, love and for sooth!

Remember that who else but a bosom buddy

Will sit down and level

And give you the devil,

Will sit down and tell you the truth!

I'd also like to welcome several great guys that I'm getting to know and have recently given me the honor of becoming my minions... damn did it again, i mean friends...

bnsd70

drakematrix

popicn

and of course...

pup_ajax