My Blog
more of my brain to entertain the masses.
Fri, November 25, 2005 - 2:36 PM
yes. i'm caving. i'm breaking down. no big check yet due to a holiday where arian girls and boys carve a wild animal and eat it to celebrate their raping and pillaging of my people. american pirates kill and rape and enslave my ancestors and celebrate it by eating a big bird. i hate this place. i hate it so much. then they celebrate a big fat man in a red suit giving them things for being complete jerks the rest of the year. a day where people who dont deserve what they have get more material possesions. you beasts. i hate the world.
my birthday falls in between those days. i dont celebrate me being born. and nobody else should either. i dont want to hear about my birthday at all. i hate myself and yes, i do want to die. so what? theres no inspiration anywhere. i look outside and today people are racing to get rewards for themselves for being idiots the rest of the year. i hate the world. its breaking my back. its broken my heart when i fell from my mothers evil cunt. but now my spine is breaking in half. i want to get out of this place.
yes, no check. no work at "work" either. i got promoted to "phone girl" but im not going to make enough. i'll stay and answer phones because i'm too rough of a domme but i am still semi-homeless. now i have nowhere to put my shit. i am compelled to sell a bunch of it for enough to get maybe a motel room for a week. ive been asking people for money this whole week and now i owe half my check to them. so no apartment for myself. i failed at that. among a lot of other things. i dont know where i will be in a week from now -- thats how fast things are destroying me. i dont even know if i will be around with a beating heart to celebrate the day i fell to earth in a cloud of hate and despair.
funny thing is -- all i have to keep me happy right now is dancing. i go every monday to shit guild and dance and talk to nobody and go off and sit in an all night diner alone afterward. that or try one of my many booty calls. or charity hand outs for the night. the feeling of dancing is keeping me going. me knowing i'm on that shaky little box dancing to heavy industrial every monday and knowing people are watching me in awe is the only thing keeping me alive. me knowing i'm entertaining not only myself but others. and me knowing the other side of the coin, that they think i'm still a drug addict, them knowing i'm homeless, them thinking i'm dirty, them hating yet loving me at the same time and keeping their distance is destroying me. but the dancing keeps me sane.
my life is pitiful. but i have one thing keeping me happy. and maybe thats okay for now. see you on monday.
Fri, November 25, 2005 - 2:36 PM -
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3 Comments
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Unsu...
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Sun, November 27, 2005 - 5:41 PM
happy birthday lovely
...and keep dancing like you do, like the music is your plasma and the flesh like case keeping it all on its proper course is your life force, your dancing. Don't let anyone take that from you, and be damned if you let anyone destroy. You're an enigma, you don't have to feel that everybody knows/feels the way about you that you always depict in your writing, because it's no always true. People percieve everybody in the wrong sense unless they know them, and even then those who know you "best" can expell complete lack of knowledge of whom you are. I'm not commenting in order to gain anything for myself (friendship, approval, ect) i discount all of that falsified bullshit (unless you already know that person) i've spoken to you twice, once to comment on your dancing, and i've read some of your writings, thus i have no stance in claiming i know you. I relate quite a bit to your written words, and i find it helpful so i must thank you for those efforts you put out into the world via written self expression. in conclusion, what makes you FEEL. period.
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Tue, June 5, 2007 - 3:11 AM
Truth and Lies, or the world through human eyes
You are correct and you are wrong. The people for whom you dance for look to you not with contempt and love, but envy and lust: the basis of human want. To them you look free, and look beautiful doing it. They don't know what it looks like form the other side of the looking glass, from your viewpoint.
I never understood why beautiful people got sad, but in reality that beauty can be isolating. I would never approach you because you are WAY out of my leauge. My life bores me and on top of that I have takken a few to many blows form the ugly-stick and so I can't imagine being able to capture the attention of someone like you. And so, not unlike you, I go to Death Guild, Die Maschinen, Underground SF, and all the other clubs alone, drink alone, and leave alone. Like you I am just waiting to die, and looking for a reason to live (and not finding one in my many years of looking either). There are hundreds of us in this hell, this flesh cage. Honestly, can you dream up a more fiendish hell then this life? I'd love to hear it. Anyway, I don't know why I am writing this... I am just one of those envious people dancing with their shadow and watching the cute girl gather the wanting eyeballs of the crowd and roll them all over her lovely little frame. ... |
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Sun, November 11, 2007 - 12:44 AM
Stephanie Stephanie Stephanie
Grow the fuck up and stop being so obsessed with yourself. Stop feeling so sorry for yourself. Decide if you're going to get a grip, get a reality check and realize how lucky you are or if you really hate yourself and want to die then kill yourself. You are physically beautiful, there are a ton of women who would literally kill or die to look like you, and though I know looks aren't everything they open up a whole world to you that isn't available to the more homely and ugly among us. I hate people, they make me sick, I hate the world, it is a wretched place, but you seem to be living a life far out of the ordinary rat race, you need to realize that bitching and moaning about things makes you sound like a spoiled brat. I only say this because it saddens me that you are wasting your time being miserable. If you can find something that truly makes you happy go after it
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