Would you dare to believe?Wed, November 3, 2010 - 11:51 AM
"Would you dare to believe
that you still have a reason to sing?
Because the pain that you've been feeling
is the hurt before the healing.
Becuase the pain that you've been feeling
is the dark before the morning"
It caught my attention because it put words to my current experience. I am daring to believe... more daring than believing :) I think it's called hope.
I am not a fan of Christian "rock" music and I think that's what this song is. Usually the quality is shoddy and the lyrics are shallow and artificial and cheesy (and that's how I really feel! :) ). Granted, the quality of this song isn't the greatest and the lyrics aren't exactly rich, but I think it touches on an important part of the human experience. There aren't many songs about hope after suffering, or hope through suffering.
I've been going back through one of the steps that Dr. Morin in The Erotic Mind recommends to people who are in the gray area of life. It can be a lifeless and dull place; the addiction has been broken, the pain has lessened and healing has started but the future still looks bleak and you feel empty. He tells people to use their imagination - imagine how it could be, how good it could be, what is the best scenario you can imagine. Dare to believe that this can be your life. Imagine the color back into your world.
I know some of you are in the exact same place. You are walking through the gray area. Would you dare to believe? :)
The song is on my profile if you want to hear the whole thing.
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I love the imagination exercise. I am going to do it.
As a result of a post I read on the limerence tribe many months ago, I got my certification to become a fitness instructor last summer, and this fall I've worked up a class, and have subbed a few times. It looks easy to teach one of these classes but there is actually a lot happening at once and you have to know stuff and you have to TALK a lot (cue, talk about alignment, make intelligent transitions, think about safety, memorize choreography). But I'm not getting very many jobs and I'm kind of in a gray zone you speak of... in certain moments I remember the highs of the limerence and there is nothing like that now. Wouldn't go back to it, won't, but it is ever so much harder to write a book (you) or teach a fitness class (me). I think oh it's because I'm 50, oh it's because my body isn't good enough, blah blah blah.
The post that motivated me to make this move was a description of the conditions that allow obsessive love to flourish... and I had every single one! I think the first condition was feeling bored or trapped in your job, so that was what prompted me to pick up the challenge to try for something new.
But yeah (talking like my kids), the imagination exercise is good. Will do it, will do it.
Kind of coming out of nowhere, but I was looking at your photos and couldn't comment there.
"I don't want to take up the space/time of someone else. Part of that is esteem related, some of that is parental training, and some is my introvert personality. Regardless of the reasons, I think people feel like they aren't important to me which is exactly the opposite reason! So I'm trying to take deep breathes and relax and slow down."
This, and the grey space, are very relevant to me right now. I want so much to not be a bother that I often neglect my needs. Rather if I'm left to think about it at all my solution is always going to be: if I just didn't EXIST there would be no problem at all, right? I'm volleyed back and forth--I want the hope of friendship with my LO (and just all of the many little impractical, unreasonable things I WANT in my life), but I'm held back with the fear of imposing. On people, on the world. Dragging myself down the road with nowhere to go and a fear of even hoping I'll end up anywhere at all. Hope gets loaded up with fear, which requires the daring.