My Blog

The dog and me

   Tue, August 3, 2010 - 11:12 AM
I spent the last week on "vacation". Yeah, I am sooo not rested.

I've written a little bit about this dog trainer, Kevin Behan. I've been following him on his website and decided to drive to his home to get Lou (aka tasmanian devil) trained by him. Lou is aggressive, motivated by fear. If you came to my house he would, given the freedom, grab ahold of your pant leg and tug and maybe (even likely) bite the crap out of you. This is the kind of dog Kevin likes. He lives a long way from me - a 19 hour drive.

We were supposed to be spending the night in J's hometown - thankfully that didn't happen. But we did drive through it. It was lovely, just a beautiful place to grow up. Makes me wonder why when I asked him if he had always lived in J-town why he said yes when he grew up 12 hours north of there.... Anyway... it wasn't a big deal. Even so, this song was on the radio:

I wish Meowbie had been there at Kevin's with me. :) They would have had a lot of fun talking about Kevin's philosophy. I will skip most of that and get to where his philosophy intersects my life. He told me that , previously, he bought a perfectly bred German Sheperd from Germany, later he adopted one from the animal control, later he had one given to him, he trained them all a little diffferently and yet ended up with the same dog each time. This happens bcs our dogs are a reflection of us - they are a tool to unscrew up ourselves.

His way of training is a very physically rough version of playing - it takes the dog a while to get the hang of it but it works great. As he was working with Lou I told him that I was fine with this but that if he had been working with Rudy (he's my older dog - we've been together for 8 years) I couldn't take it - I'd cry to watch him be that rough with Rudy and I wouldn't allow it. I got teary eyed right there just thinking about it. Kevin was touched. He said that is because Rudy is my wounded inner child-dog. (Rudy was abused pretty bad as a pup and I never found a way to work through all of those issues with him.) Kevin was right - I knew it instinctively in my gut the second that he said that. I love rudy so much it often my heart hurt - seeing him walk around is about like seeing my heart move around outside my body. I identify very strongly with him and I am fiercely protective of him. He IS my inner-child reflection. Kevin told me that the job of dogs like this is to motivate the human to deal with her own inner child issues and as soon as she did that, as soon as the human spoke The Truth to herself about that inner child she could let the dog, spouse and everyone else off the hook of caring for her inner child.

I think I heard that "chachink" sound that happens when something large falls into place.... for many reasons.

Rudy is the dog I left with J for a month to heal.

This only explains the "why him" questions and maybe the "why does this hurt so much" and "why can't I get out of this mess". (Having a wounded inner child explains the limerence.) I symbolically gave J my inner child to heal through Rudy and then I did it again directly with my own self. It was so easy to do it directly because I had already walked down that path of giving him Rudy. I had often wondered why I had NO resistance to that man. Limerence is all about me. No wonder it all hurt so bad and so deep. No wonder I felt a connection, why I trusted him without question. No wonder I could almost feel him touch me when he touched rudy. No wonder I wanted him, even expected him, to heal me.

I am so glad that I didn't give in to J and C's requests. If this really was about my inner child, can you imagine how messed up I could have gotten? Even so, I cannot hold J responsible. How was he to know that I was giving him my inner child to care for? From what he said I think he thought I was all put together and perfectly healthy and he acted surprised when something non-healthy came to the surface. If he had known he would have left me alone.

It's a little eery, but Kevin can read people through their dogs like some people read palms or spilled tea leaves. I had been there only a while when all of this was going on... Kevin said that Lou's job is to get me in touch with Rage. According to Kevin, Rage is the result of The Truth being crossed or breached - while anger is the lesser or more selfish or petty emotion. He said, "Lou is a rock - he is a tough little dog and he is in touch with his Rage which is why he bites from the place of fear instead of running away. I bet you are a rock too. You probably defer to other people most of the time, easy going, maybe too easy going. But you will only take so much - at your core you stand like a rock and you won't be moved and you won't defer. It hurts but you stand. You of course feel the pain of others trying to push and pull you but you aren't honest with yourself about it. When you get in touch with your Rage and start speaking The Truth to yourself about this Lou's job will be done and he can relax - at the metaphysical level, Lou is doing your Rage for you." He then went on to talk about how guilt is often displaced Rage.

Holy crap.

People who don't live with animals won't get this - probably sounds like nonsense. But if you've had a close relationship with a dog you probably get this.

I have physically felt different since that conversation.

He also said things like, "Our brain, our thoughts are what kill us. If we paid attention to our gut and not let our brains interpret our gut our lives would go better"

After we were finished at Kevins we drove to J-town to look for areas where we might want to live. J's office had a nice fenced in area so we stopped there to let the dogs run. I looked in the windows - the place is full of boxes. *My* room is full to the ceiling of empty boxes waiting to be packed up. My first thought was, "There is an end to every empire". It was cathartic. I feel the end now and it is a release, not pain.

On the way home - I'd dropped off SO at the airport - I listened to Dr Radio on satellite radio. There was some sex show on it about porn and addiction. Reinforced to me even more strongly how much of a real physical addiction limerence is. At one point the dr asked someone who was addicted to porn if, when he had sex with his girlfriend, he felt *the high* or did he feel closeness. I thought that was a very interesting question - sex for a high or sex for closeness. Of course, for me, I went in to limerent sex seeking closeness, or thinking I was seeking closeness, but instead I got the high. J was looking for the high - he was not seeking closeness. That is certain. In my gut and from what I saw from J and C I think there was at least a borderline sex issue/addiction with him/her. But in the end I think he might have gotten more of the closeness feelings. Maybe that has to do with his age and a drop of testosterone levels... I did not get all the closeness feelings I was seeking, not at all.

The dr on the show said to the porn-addicted guy that sex can be something that builds your feelings of closeness with a person, that builds instead of damages your self esteem, that doesn't cost you anything or take anything from you, that leaves you peaceful instead of needy or shameful. You are still whole afterwards. If I am honest with myself, that was not my experience with limerent sex (or married sex). It is easy to romanticize it in hindsite but directly afterwards the feeling was more of confusion or bewilderment than closeness, esteem, wholeness, or peace. And that is why married limerent sex is (maybe non-married too) The Abyss of Pain.

At the moment, I am in non-limerent land.


add a comment
Wed, August 4, 2010 - 1:14 AM
Wow RD. This is a lot to absorb and I have been mulling over it all day.

I think Baldrick's role was around forgiveness. He came to me after some pretty rough times in my life, which triggered a lot of self-doubt and self-recrimination. His unconditional love helped me forgive myself, I think. And laugh a bit - although he was a nicely behaved dog he was a funny thing. :)

Arrggh... will stop now before I get too sooky!!

Squirrel xox
Wed, August 4, 2010 - 7:25 AM
Hi RD,

This is very insightful. What you have described was a factor in my limerence experience as well, but in my case it was not my dogs that carried my inner child but actually my children. When I saw that Jill not only cared for my children but loved them as well, I developed real feelings of love for her. That love felt good and normal.

It wasn't until later when I got it in my head that she might be romantically attracted to ME that I became limerent. When this girl, whom I already loved, started flirting with me, that pushed me over the edge. Trying to keep that romantic attraction suppressed while retaining the real unconditional love has been one of the most difficult things that I have ever done.
offline 33
Wed, August 4, 2010 - 2:07 PM
Hey guys, keep your fingers crossed for me. We just got an offer on the house - not a great offer but that is the market we are in.

One step in the right direction :)
Thu, August 5, 2010 - 6:46 PM
Hi RD: Want to share the good news? (First disclosed in my forum)
offline 33
Thu, August 5, 2010 - 6:51 PM
LOL Yes!

My house is SOLD! The people want to have occupancy of the house in Aug 18! (Yeah, 13 days from now....)

That is my step 1. Step 2 is finding a nicely paying job in New Town. Step 3 is telling my SO that I'm separating from him and finding my own place.

I think my plan will be to buy a little house near the massive vet school there and try to find a vet student for a roommate. :)
offline 8
Thu, August 12, 2010 - 2:07 AM
So true
I completely relate to this post RD, I think Kevin Behan is extremely wise.... So glad you're still getting insights, into your limerence...
Thu, August 19, 2010 - 9:27 PM
I've been so interested to read your latest blog entries, RD. The insights you are getting via Behan's philosophy is amazing. There's a universal thrill that we all feel when a talented professional reads our personality. It's probably related to that oft-expressed desire of partners to be understood intuitively, for their SO's to know what they want without being told :)

Intuitively, I think that Kevin is right about dogs reflecting their owners' inner conflicts. It ties in with my own ideas about who we are attracted to. In my own case, I can't help but feel that my strong attraction to my LO was borne out of my projections, of certain qualities that I had disowned in myself (e.g. sociability, confidence, independence).

Your comments about porn addiction really struck me. I never really thought about those distinctions before, but I can see them now in all of my former relationships. Over the last few years, I became more and more aware of my real needs in sex i.e. intimacy. But it still took several relationships to get to the point where sex left me feeling complete and at peace afterwards. In some ways, I wish I could have learned these lessons earlier in my life ... but I'm very grateful to have learned them now regardless.

Oh, and congratulations on selling your house! Things are really moving for you now :)