After D.C. League auditions yesterday, I was feeling pretty good about my 90 second audition. I got some laughs with my comedic song, people seemed to be engaged during my monologue and everything seemed to be getting better. Then I got back to my car an hour an a half after parking it.

My passenger side window was smashed in, and the GPS that was being stored in a closed compartment under my arm rest, was taken. Glass was everywhere, my hands are still cut up pretty bad from trying to vaccuum it out.

What the hell did I do lately where Karma feels like taking a shit on me...I don't have the money to pay for glass repair, and my insurance is a $1000 dollar deductible so I have to pay the first 1,000 dollars out of my own pocket. Money I dont have...

what the fuck...

I've finally reached the point I had dreaded for a while, but faced with no other options I have decided...

I'm moving back to New Hampshire at the end of this summer.

I'm way over my head in credit card debt, car payment and student loans and the only way I can see surviving without ruining my future with credit rating problems or any other issues is to move back in with my parents, try to find a job at home that pays decent, and work at getting rid of the giant stack of bills that currently is crushing me.

I don't know what this means in terms of acting...I'm going to DC League auditions tomorrow and I honestly don't know what would be better...if I go in, audition and get a ton of offers that I have to turn down due to this financial shit...I'm going to feel like a moron for even doing this...if I don't get any offers, then WTF...

You all know I normally wax poetical, or try to find some artistic way to share my feelings and fears....not today...I'm so scared but I have no idea how I'm going to make it otherwise unless I move back in with my parents.

any friends out their with any advice because I'm feeling pretty low right now...

J

Isn't that the fucking truth. I know I don't post often but I chose to post here and now because Tribe is one of the few places I can find on the net world to voice my opinions and thoughts without having every asshole that I associate with sticking the stupid fucking nose in all my business.

Today was a huge crack in the planet and I am going to blame one thing and one thing alone. The FUCKING grapevine. I have been close friends with my friend Julie for over 4 years, we've been through a lot as friend but always been there for each other through thick and thin. I trusted her more than a lot of people and she felt the same. I will admit to having romantic feelings for her a while ago, but they have long since become feelings of caring that two people can share as close friends. I had this idea in my mind that a friendship like that was fairly solid and partially immune to the inner workings of bullshit like the grapevine but I've been proven wrong. As the tale goes..."A bunch of people have been telling me that our friendship has been compleatly fake from the beginning and you've only been sticking around until Evan and I break up and so that you and I could start dating. I want you to know right now that would never happen, ever."

This is what a bunch of people have been telling my best friend Julie for what seems to be a good portion of this year since her return to staunton. I am open enough to admit that I think Julie and Evan's relationship has very noticible problems, of which I have been stuck in the middle of a good chunk of them. I also told Julie if she were to marry Evan any time soon that I would not attend the wedding, because I didn't agree with either of them getting married, especially given the fact that they are constantly fighting, at each other about numerous topics, and dealing with the fact that Julie survived a car accident in which Evan was driving, and Evan's father is dying of brain cancer. Those of you who know me well, and I especially know one in particular on here, I would NEVER try to steal anyone's girlfriend away from them or try to sabotage a relationship. I just don't have it in my bones and heart to ever do that because I would never want that done to me.

I became aware of Julie's issue with me (which have been bottling up for some time now), and these rumors that were floating about when today while studying lines at our rehearsal space alone, I took a break to check on the world wide web and noticed that she deleted me from her myspace account. I also received notice that she had posted a recent blog with the title "Restraining Order???" Putting 2 and 2 together I gathered something was up, and from what I hear about the post, she believed today I was following her today and spying on her rehearsing (not true, she walked in on me while I was running lines, and then quickly left much to my confusion) Also she claims that I have been yelling at her about her relationship. I confronted her before rehearsal and simply asked her whats wrong. She tells me that multiple people are telling her what I typed above, and that she can't trust me and has no reason to trust me. She says she keeps hearing it from people, though she has not yet heard it from me. Confused and calmly I told her that all I have ever tried to be to her was a good friend, someone who was there for her, and someone she could trust and count on when things were good or bad. I also told her that I have been open with her from the beginning of our friendship, finding opportunities to share with her honestly about what I felt in regards to things. Recently over Easter weekend. I extended the invite to have her join me at my best friend's parents house for the weekend just to let her get out of the house since she had been kinda stuck while recooperating and not being able to drive. The car ride we spoke for a while about my feelings on a lot of different topics, she also spoke and we finally had the chance to really let things all fall out since we had not been around each other due to distance and schedules. We continued to talk all weekend, open and honest. Its what I always have done, no exceptions.

The trust is broken now, because she stated she has NO reason to trust me. 4 years of devoted friendship, honesty, a go to guy who is always there for her when she needed someone...I remember holding her hand and looking at her with her skull all smashed, tubes stuck all over the place, and not knowing if she would make it through the night....placing the St. Christopher Cross (the one I've worn for years after my best friend Bob and I met) in her hand and praying by her bedside with Evan right next to me, just praying she would make it through this alive.

I'm without understanding right now, how I could have sunk so low in her opinion as to not be able to be trusted, counted on, or even considered a friend....and to have the words "Restraining Order" spoken around my name...

Were I capable, I would drink myself stupid tonight, wake up with a huge hangover and keep it as a reminder that nothing lasts forever, and lies and bullshit ruin everything no matter how strong.