The Inside Out
oh hodja, please show me how to spin.
Sat, April 12, 2008 - 12:49 AM
Sat, April 12, 2008 - 12:49 AM -
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Sat, April 12, 2008 - 8:37 AM
Okay.
I'm gonna make this about me. Because sometimes I just want to throttle you, and this is one of those times. So let’s make it about me :- ) Sometimes I think that I'm a kind of inspiring person. Though I have rarely experienced that with you, because of the overly-oft-mentioned lack of effusion. But I think it may go one step further than just not SAYING things; sometimes I think your head is so far up your ass (and I say this with the purest of affection) that you don't see the inspiration that you are looking for when it is SPINNING right in front of your face. So let me recap for you a story that you are familiar with. There is a man I am interested in. We have a history. And from time to time I let him know that I still desire him, and he pretty much... doesn't respond either way. You KNOW about this guy; you and I spoke recently and you heard this first hand. I'm just trying to give this story some context. So as you know, I recently broached the subject with him, and this time I heard a more clear 'no'. Okay, there's my answer. Again, you already have been updated on this storyline. I’m simply trying to apply it to your plea. Because here is the part you may have missed: Do you think it is easy for me to say "I want to be with you" to someone? Do you somehow think that the prospect (followed by the actuality) of being rejected is LESS FEAR-INSPIRING when it's someone you've already been with? Dear Joe, Rejection hurts. But it doesn’t cause us to fall apart. (If you fall apart due to being rejected, then that’s a whole other set of problems to deal with.) Falling apart implies some version of not being whole, right? So here’s what I think. NOT saying it… THAT is a fallen apart existence. THAT is Joe not whole. Me, I say it. and sometimes I get hurt for saying it. But I walk away clean. Whole. Wondering if your love and affection and desire (if that's what you're referring to?) will disgust someone and ruin their vision of the entire universe is, as you know, disproportionate. Sometimes we have these crazy and disproportionate thoughts. I believe it is so much more soul-healthful to get it out of your head and use the actual words and get the actual answer from the actual person. Give these crazy-thoughts the chance to be right-sized. Leap. Say it. SPINNNN. Love, Roberta |
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Sat, April 12, 2008 - 10:06 AM
Actually, this blog started out as a comment to one of Nicole's concerning Amma and then grew to have it's own life and become this thing. But another unwritten part of this blog is about patience. Because while I am to some degree writing about being forthright with ones thoughts towards others, really, the reason for non-forthrightness is because not enough of the brain and heart are sensing the patterns of harmony, and so silence is kept. The body doesn't care, it is constantly whispering and urging the rest of my person to "be more free in love" and share with many. This is fine if it is what the mind-heart-soul truly wish to commit to, but, they are currently still undecided about such things. And I grew up with very successful couple modeling from my parents so i tend to lean towards that.
I have previously described relationships as such: A lone person is one entity. When there is a couple there are actually 3 entities, each person and then their union. In a trio of people, there are actually 7 relationships, each person, 3 variations on couples, and the three together. With four, there are 15 entities, each person, 6 distinct couplings, 4 trios, and the group as one. 5 people create 31 entities, 6 people, 63; 7 people, 127, and so forth. And I have said that I have a hard time with groups! I usually feel that it is enough to be able to maintain the three of a couple. In groups, I tend to identify with the largest entity and myself and venture little beyond that. Hence, an ability to do joyful service. I'm not big on primate-group-power-struggle dynamics, which is what I sense so much of life to be around me. Oh, I engage in them, but often they leave me feeling icky or empty, even when success is mine. But I am growing and learning, and that is what it is all about for me. The continuing education of god. Don't be exasperated with my ramblings, they are simply outlets for deeper work to find expression and hence help me carry on the growth. I'm not looking for pity or advice, only compassion and understanding. |
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Sat, April 12, 2008 - 10:18 AM
Oh, yeah. PATIENCE.
I suck at patience. That would be the the less soul-healthful side of what I described. The inability to just see what the universe does without my intrusion.
(Silly, science-y, math-y boys!) I don't find your ramblings exasperating. You, yes, a little, but not your writing ;- ) |
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Sun, April 13, 2008 - 6:47 PM
I understand your fear, believe me, I struggle with it myself all the time. But I don't think you have to worry about anyone screaming at you to go away. You are an incredibly beautiful man with a kind heart and strong spirit. You communicate your feelings with honesty and compassion that is hard to find. I would think that any conscious person with vision would appreciate the gifts you have to offer. Even if they don't want exactly the same connection that you want I would think they would be honored to know of your affection. Joe, when you feel called to reach out to anyone. ...please do. This world needs your love.
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