death in the family

My fire sword has met a terrible and stupid untimely death. The wound is still to fresh to get in to what exactly happened, suffice to say I fucked up. Now with no money to spare I may be facing a summer without fire poi without my sword –*gasp*– with out fire of my own. Think ill go put on some nine inch nails and smoke a clove in a dark corner…any one know were I put my black nail polish?

Excerpts from the big black book of 2003-2004

through the timber a whole moon lays light on the ground,
giving way the direction,
the path.
Twice I walked once I dragged.
Its there I hid you
by the path the moon stripes
where its beam come through
soaking in the soil
seeping in to find you
half a whore with a mouth full of dirt.

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I want to fight a thousand blade to bone,
and just barely lose,
I need you
purifying razor,
to graze my wrist in a tempting fashion
but never bleed me
only tease me
battle lies ahead

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ravens and owls nest in the skulls of a new youth,
waiting for the entry of innocence
welcoming the opportunity to pose themselves in the most gothic of positions
afraid only of the yellow and white beams
that aren’t allowed in this place
for the symbols
they cross
and the beams of both
the sun and the moon
need a second body
your body
to touch.



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the tallest rose

high up on a pillar
placed upon a petals edge.
Loving what im fearing,
I dread the petal bend.
Dew drops tend to fall
pulling my floor down.
Soft and scented petals
they taunt me with the ground


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Spinning rain clouds.
Wind and leafs.
Force.
Flat, field
scarecrows in the grass
tall grass
one crow
empty noose
swing
Scarecrows in the field
Force
Above our heads.


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The words just wont come tonight.
Time a killable commodity stretched out on my floor waiting to pass,
livening in this moment doubting all others before it and shaking in fear of the ones to come. Should they come, should they be real, should anything exist past my four wall moment.
stop your crying, its all going to be, and should it not, we wont take notice

nightmare

When I was a child I suffered from nightmare. Every night without fail my night nares would be so bad that I would refuse to fall asleep. Its been almost 12 year sense I had a night mare as intense as the two I had last night.

The first nightmare: I got up out of bed dressed myself in my oldest clothing (UFO’s and a tattered black sweater, all black) I then put on all the necklaces I own ( which are many). The next thing I know im watching myself stand up in a row boat floating in the middle of round lake, I shackled cinder blocks to my ankles and my wrists and threw myself in. The chains on my feet were shorter then the ones on my wrists and this left me floating at an angle close to the surface but not close enough to breath. The last thing I thought was “ I look so pretty like this, I wish someone could take a picture” I awoke and walked out to my kitchen for water (I think) when I reached the kitchen I heard voices I didn’t recognize and could not tell the origin of and the light switch wouldn’t work. Staring in to the black I became over come with fear, I turned to go back to my room, as soon as I did I felt a powerful sensation as if some one had pinched the back of my neck and it moved through my body, steadily slowing me down. I made it to the hall way before I was almost completely immobile. With the last pit of freedom I had I reached for the hall light switch convinced that if I could just turn the light on this would stop. I just made it to the light switch and as you may have guessed the damn thing wouldn’t work. I tried to scream for help but I now found myself unable to breath. Then my feet slowly lifted off the ground until I was at that same angle as before. I awoke (for really this time) Gasping for air.

The second night mare I had last night effected me so badly that I cant really type it without feeling sick. The highlight were as follows. I found my girl with another man. She told me that she was screwing him at the same time as me and that he probable wasn’t the father of my child but she wanted him to adopt her because he was going to be a doctor and I was worth nothing. When I asked her how she could do this to me she said that she changed as a person and the new person she was fell in love with me and now she changed again and I don’t fit in her new life.
I awoke from this dream sobbing and could not bring myself to stop for 40 minutes.

Im desperate my only hope is that your thoughts can save me. You see im praying for many responses before I sleep again because as I said before I haven’t had a night mare that powerful sense I was a child, if the past has taught me anything about powerful nightmares they will come back for me and im not kidding when I say im very scared to fall back to sleep

my last my space post

it went a lot like this
And now its time to say good bye .
I am so sick of myspace keeping me within the arms reach of people and subsequently former selves I don’t want to know anymore and odds are most of you don’t want to know any of the me’s any more either. So if you are already on my tribe good. If you aren’t but you still want to keep in touch go to tribe .net and find me, if you don’t fit in to either of those two category then go fuck yourself I hope you choke on your stupid thoughts, moralities and narrow self righteous view of the world around you ( the scary part is that not really aimed at anyone) so sayonara good bye fuck off rot in hell and die on the way there.
Love stomp
it was prompted by nothing its just something I’ve been meaning to do for a long time. with any luck there will be a couple people sitting at home wondering what they did to piss me off

freddy kruger

I had a dream about Freddy Kruger last night except it was different then my usual one’s. in this dream he actually killed me and it was the worst mistake of his after life. I became a mock him except black and gray instead of red and green. I came after him and I killed a lot of people in the process and when I was just about to end him I had to stop and we found ourselves working together because there were more Freddy copy cats lots more and me and Freddy were of like mind they had to go. I woke up in the middle of a huge brawl to hear my girlfriend tell me her great gand father is dead.
Any one want to tell me what that means. Keeping in mind I’ve been dreaming of Freddy sense I was 8 and fighting him sense I was 13.

Page 11 of the little black book from 04-05

a boy made of black and bat made of what now?

I am a writer for I wright

and a poet for it is poetry

weather I do either well is arguable

all I ask is you bury me with my organs intact,

so I can spring up from my coffin

and yell out a pamphlet size prolog to the wonders of hell

and to assure all

there is room left for them

page 5 of the little black book of 04-05

The arachnids are massing

in the corners, on shelves and such

watching in 8 eyed observation

waiting to catch and kill something

with a 8 day life span,

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I knew this girl
she slept with a stuffed rat,
the unfortunate victim of taxidermy

it was her one redeeming quality

I met a girl named sun shine,
her face both radiated and warmed.
She sat on mens laps for money

it was the one place she ought never have shined

a girl named Ixtab found me
with hair like the tears of a weeping willow
she was the only of the three that had a prayer of comforting me

page 4 of the little black book of 04-05

Riding on the bald white metro

you sway down the isle

in a

kinda blurry

kinda dreamy way.

As you stop at my seat I ask

were the hell do you get off?

You crack your lip to say

in the 6th isle

the 6th row

on the 6th shelf

13 stop ahead of you.

page 2 of the little black book of 04-05

Im

pushing aside

brushing away

clearing out the cob webs.

dusting it off like an old machine retired, years ago,

once destined to become that car

surrounded by woods

over grow with vines,

left to rot in a copper kind of way

breathing life in to it now

maybe she’ll move again

the beasts we are

part1.
Perhaps you haven’t noticed but im a beautiful beast with power and grace embedded in my design like jewels in the hilt of a sword. One at its most majestic when caged.
my shackles and form inspire on lookers to think
“What a marvelous creature, unclear if of god or the devils making but truly deserving of freedom” yet in truth I find my comfort here.
Bound by my hands, by my feet, chained by my throat to the floor.


Part2.
He smokes the cigarette that light the fires,
flicking little burning butts, broken bits, glowing chunks of his desire.
You see the chemicals have an association with instant gratification,
this my brother is why we light a girls cigarette first, so as to subconsciously become associated with that subconscious association, like riding the coat tails of death himself, we creep ever so softly closer to a flowery kill, spraying rose petals in to our mouths and the air.