OK, I’m going to get very wordy here. I was going to leave this out, but these are my views on why most relationships fail. I feel it’s a very worthy topic.

Absolute Monogamy can work for some, really; but in most cases, I feel that adhering to it absolutely dooms you to fail. Just because you love someone deeply, it doesn’t mean that you loose your attraction to others; denying that is just lying to yourself. Yes, it doesn’t mean you have to act on that attraction, but…. humans are flawed and cannot adhere to absolutes. When you set up an absolute that if one partner strays, then when they do, the hurt is so deep that it cannot be overcome, (or takes years of therapy, and the resentment is always there, festering) - the relationship ultimately fails. And you know what? Almost everybody has an affair at some point. They either keep it to themselves (lie) and become consumed by guilt, or they tell their partner who then goes apeshit on them, and will never trust them again. Really now, people- what harm is there in occasionally rubbing your body against someone else? Will it matter 100 years from now? Does it make you love your partner less? It probably enhances your sex life, which can become dormant in a long term monogamous relationship. If you really love the other person, don’t you want them to be happy in this short life?

A key issue to be overcome is the fear that if you open your relationship, you might loose your partner to someone who’s “better”; better in bed, more compatible with them, etc. OK, as for the “better in bed”, have your partner teach you what the other person does that turns them on so much. If you were both open about asking “what do you like?”, then this wouldn’t be necessary in the first place. Additionally, letting them go out and play means that you can too, and deep down, doesn’t part of you really want to? As for the “more compatible” fear, that has a basis in reality. But if you aren’t really ideally suited for each other, do you think your relationship will “go the distance”? More likely, you’ll break up after 10 or 20 years, have children to deal with; do you want to go through a messy divorce in the midst of either middle-age crisis or menopause? No one can take the other person away from you; if they can, then you weren’t really suited for each other, or you weren’t working at your relationship (see below).



OK, enough about Monogamy- lets get to some essential core issues as to why relationships fail.

Lust is not Love. People fall in love because they’re sleeping together a lot; they mistake Lust for Love. It’s easy- hey, here’s a person that makes me feel good all the time; it must be Love. Wrong! That’s a crush, not Love. (Men often develop crushes on women that are very physically attractive to them.) It’s important to understand the crucial difference between a Crush and Love. Both involve infatuation, a love spell if you will; so it’s hard for the inexperienced to differentiate. But real Love is also being amazed at all the facets of the other person, respecting their opinions, their outlook, their accomplishments, their interests. If you aren’t blown away by what an amazing person they are, you have a Crush, you’re not deeply in Love.

Opposites may attract, but having a lot of similar outlooks, opinions and tastes in things helps a lot. Who wants to spend their relationship compromising on what music to listen to, what movies to see, what vacations to take? You should share your passions, not take turns.
“Staying together for the sake of the children”. Do you really think your kids don’t see it? Do you really want their role model for a relationship to be one that’s essentially loveless? They’ll repeat that in their own lives, the way abused children repeat the cycle of abuse on their own kids. If you decide to part ways in spite of the kids, you really, really, really must discuss this with them in length and make sure they understand that they are not to blame, nor is your partner (many kids blame themselves for their parent’s break-up, which leads to lifelong feelings of inadequacy).

Alright- next are the two really big ones!

First: the great Western Civilization Lie- somewhere out there, there is the one you are destined to meet; your Soul Mate, and someday you will meet them. In reality, though, there are many out there who are your soul mate, and who could make you very happy.

*Second- perhaps the most important advice I could impart to anyone, anywhere.
The lie that once you meet that soul mate, you will fall madly in love, live happily ever after, because Love Conquers All, doesn’t it?
OK, the truth. Love is amazing; it’s the most valuable thing in our existence. But Love is not self-sustaining. Love takes Work; sometimes hard work. If you don’t work at your relationship, and realize that it’s the most important work you’re likely to do, then it will fail. NEVER stop courting the other person! Keep doing the little things that made them fall in love with you. That’s the trick to remaining “in love” rather than just loving each other. Never stop telling them how much you love them, how special they are. People will say “Oh, she knows that I love her”. Bad answer- she or he needs to hear it often; especially when they’re having a bad day. Also, work out the logistics of your relationship. Who takes out the garbage? Who cleans up after dinner? This is part of your relationship. One solution is, if two people (or more) hate taking out the garbage, who hates it the most? The other one should then suck it up, and take that task. There will be things that you hate the most, and the other person (people) will take that one. Keep humor in your relationship. Do things that make you laugh together. Laughter makes you enjoy being together. Always take the other person’s side, even if you feel they’re wrong. Never talk badly about them to others; it will come back to haunt you. Keep your minor resentments to yourself; nobody is perfect.


GIVE EACH OTHER SPACE!! Everyone needs to be alone part of the day. It’s not a rejection of the other person. It’s a basic human need. If you take your partners need to be alone personally, you’re wrong and you will hurt the relationship. You probably don’t recognize your own need for personal space. Learn to enjoy your time to yourself. You’ll each come back to each other with greater desire after your “personal time”.

OK, enough for now. Now, go out and hug, smooch and lick each other all over. I love my friends, and want to smooch all of them, and lick many of them (ok, the females, but hey, we all have our limitations.)