Male

29

Born in Borkenshire, New Pigglesworth, I was sent to boarding school to be groomed as a future statesman. As a rebel youth, however, I ceaselessly engaged in acts of pranksterism, growing quite fond of lighting my teachers on fire, urinating on school supplies, and training attack pigs and reconnaisance pigeons to launch wars against my earliest rivals, including the Duke of Porcupine, whose antics annoy me to this day.
I lost my virginity at age 7 and have only grown more fertile in my old age, but that bedtime fun has exacted notable price: I hardly have enough time to look at myself in the mirror what with all the ass I get, which is of course unacceptable.
Today I preside as Guv'nor within the ranks of misbegotten ne'er-do-wells at Monticello, a ragtag band of pseudo-colonialists whose objectives are limited to 1) achieving total grooviness on the dancefloor, 2) looking fantastic at all times, and 3) engaging in acts of total dubiousness.
These three principles are the proverbial glue that binds, like the day-old shit binding a dingleberry to the ass of a white rabbit.
I am commisioned to uphold these principles at all costs, while evangelizing them far and wide.