Sometimes I feel really isolated when it comes to my spiritual life/experiences. I mention this because I believe its closely tied into my recent memories. My husband actually got flashes of something (something to do with my relationship with an older man) before i did while we were RP little/ Daddy time. Sometimes we make this a very spiritual adventure together. Both of us are the type that have had dreams /visions(starting at childhood) come true. In the same time frame (a month ago ish) another memory of my own began to surface having to do with another relationship i was in as a child. I saw this person through my cousins page. I didnt expect to run into him and had suppressed most of the memories having to do with him. I messaged him and it didnt take long before my memories became clear/er having to do with him and that time of my life.

I also (this is the thing my husband first got a flash of) have been having to deal with remembering the intimate and inappropiate relationship i had with my grandfather.
He was my daddy... the only one I really had, though he left our family for the most part when I was 10 yrs old and was not a large part of my life ( directly ) after that. That he left changed my life - i almost couldnt handle it. I loved this man more than words can express. In my strange world/life - he was my rock. We did many things together, including working in the 3 large gardens our farm had, doing misc farm chores, fishing, going to the bar w/ him or to work - etc. I clung to him for dear life. I very much believed this man was "never the kind of man who would do anything like that"... so admitting it to myself has been and is very hard.

At the same time i am thankful ive begun to remember. I understand myself a bit more - im not sure if its always a comfort.

sometimes "being little" leads me to places i do not always enjoy - and at the same time it can lead me to a place that i feel safe, warm and secure - loved.

I am not exactly sure how to deal with so many feelings that come up with in me. Not having parents that were really parents, the only parents i had ( grandparents ) divorcing and realizing my grandma may have knew - because he told me once - your grandmother made me leave - she hated us having fun etc"... the woman who taught me how to crochet, and plant flowers, and paint, and cook and let me put makeup all over her face for fun - pit against the women in my family always it seems. she told me one day on the farm while i was there with my mother - that it was my fault that he left/was gone. I was 10/early 11 years old. She came out to the car, i had ran out there crying after she blamed me, very hurt/confused and lovingly/hurtfully told me she was sorry. at that moment i do not recall remembering consciously what i do now.
my first love... my grandfather. remembering his young, strong body - his love and warmth. his touch... the good and 'bad'. its funny how... remembering something like that can just put you in question of your own worth.

- bittersweetly - Princess L @-)------------------------