I was thinking today how weird it was to change hats from last week to this week. Starting out helping to build the cafe, moving to an art project and then to running a village. The worst part of running a group of people is the drama, no mater how much I delegate, I will always get the drama. I hate drama. Is it such an integral part of our lives that we cannot live without it? Or is it just some people.

To have a rough life, with many challenges makes one different. Some of the best writers there were have gone through harsh lives and because of that they had amazing stories to tell, was that drama? Dictionary dot com has drama as "any situation or series of events having vivid, emotional, conflicting, or striking interest or results". Is drama produced by overly emotional people? Or those that cannot control their feelings? Does a person who is overly dramatic have an edge on something that I am not aware of not being overly dramatic myself? Am I missing an important element of life by not infusing my life with drama?

I was relating to Sondra the other day that I cannot eat hot liquids, tea, soup, whatever till it's sufficiently cooled for my tongue. She suggested that maybe there was something wrong that could be fixed by a visit to a doctor. It had never occurred to me that there might be something someone could do about it because it's never bothered me enough. If I burn my mouth once I'll not do it again.

In my goal to be a writer am I turning away a great opportunity to live life more fully by not immersing myself in the drama that goes on around me? I can't see it but maybe there is something there. The funny part is I see and hear about a great deal of drama with some people and I don't shy away from jumping into helping them until it becomes complaining. I want to reduce the drama in my friends lives, but is that really helping them.

What a crazy past couple of days.

Thursday Sondra, Adam and I spent in Reno, getting Sondra to the dentist for an emergency dental treatment, yucch. She's a trooper though. The rest of the time was spent driving around the city gathering groceries and wood for the project. We didn't get back till 10 pm. Then even being exhausted we headed over to ladies night party at the DPW compound, The Ghetto. Great party, lots of fun people there. I spent the majority of my time looking for sheep fucker, Everyone else saw him but me. I ended up drinking too much again and staying up till 3am, slept out side and finally had to get up just to get out of the sun. It was a cold night, glad I have two sleeping bags.

Today, Friday, we spent the whole day working on the project. It's getting really close, we have the facing up on the upper walls and will complete it in the morning. Bunny Bon Bon came by and helped for a bit too. She's awesome. The day was great, no wind and some cloud cover towards the later afternoon. The playa surface is really starting to lose the frito lay texture as more and more cars drive on it. We have had no dust storms at all but some pretty gusty winds at times, As Kimberly pointed out, the lack of cars on the playa keeps the dust down. But on the flip side it's a smoother surface for riding a bike on.

I'm spoiled being the only camper in kidsville for a week, the wide open spaces will be completely covered in, in just a few days. Wish I could stay later for a late exit. Oh yea, another addendum to the weather report, sunny and hot days but after only 3 days I acclimated pretty well, No sun burning yet as my arms seem to be able to take the brunt of the sun all day with only fine patine of playa for sunscreen.

If you are driving here soon, don't forget to kill the bunnies and bring your ticket!

Z

The playa is certainly hard this year, but only in small 2-3 inch pieces. I found a blinky in center camp last night and was wearing it, this morning it fell apart scattering the batteries at my feet. I found one. One. The crevices are really deep. No commissary breakfast for me this morning, but I had yogurt to eat anyway so no big deal, I just missed my morning tea, and was feeling too lazy to break out the stove.

I've been sleeping on the ground next to my car, Sondra has my dome and it's too nice here to wake up with the sunrise in my face. I might have to do that the entire time I'm here. My dome stays pretty cold in the mornings.

No real events going on here, what few parties there are fun, like the DPW burn last Sunday night. I missed the beginning of it but I stayed for the fire spinning and was treated to a show like no other. DPW knows how to entertain. Fire Conclave has nothing on them. I don't even have words to describe the majesty of it. So you'll have to take my word for it.

The day was hot and long. Building cafe and their shade all day with Goatt is rewarding but tiring, I'm pretty tired right now. And the light is still at a dusky feeling, very romantic. I need a snuggle buddy, but it's pretty nice being on my own out of my element. Some high winds today but no real dust to speak of. Oh yea. I rode across the playa to the farthest sculpture and found the way VERY bumpy. Loads of cross roads that were driven on when wet some time ago and now it a pain in the ass to ride across. literally.

This is the first year I have been out here so early. It's awesome. There are maybe 300 people here, cafe crew, lamplighters, various art projects and of course DPW. The weather has been hot during the day andf cold, cold at night. Dining in the commisary is delightful, all the freaks gather there. Today was a birthday celebration for one of the cooks and everyone purposally sagn off key and NOT in unison happy birthday. It was cacophany at it's best.

Worked on the shade structure for center camp today dug holes for posts, zip tied fabric, drank good whiskey and beer. A good crew and really fun to contribite to. Next year I will do this again if I can work out child care. Two weeks would be even better. If I can afford to take three weeks off work.

Time for bed, for everyone reading this I cannot wait to see you out here. I spent some time with Cookie, who has been here for a week building the keyhole project with a new york burner. Bunnie Bonb, Bon is here working ticket crew. Fuck it's fun here.

Life changes.

All the time. And then there are life changes. What am I willing to put up with? Where are my fears keeping me from growing or accepting the best for me? I still have a sense that if the people that love me see through who I am presenting myself to be they will cease to love me. I'm getting better at it, but it's still in the back of my head.

Where is the perfect woman for me? Is there one? How will I know when she is here? Is she in my midst right now? What changes am I willing to accept to myself to accept another within my life? 100 years is not along enough to find out, that's for sure. Another one of God's cruel jokes I suspect. So to the point; When I accept a job to provide an income for my life I make massive changes from the jobless, happy-go-lucky lifestyle of a pre-teen or teen that is taken care of by another. I do this gratefully because the end product seems to be worth it.

When I have children I make even more massive changes to my life and how I do things. My time is no longer my own, the life of the child is much more important. I accept these changes willingly and gratefully because it seems worthwhile (and it is).

When I find a woman that loves me as much as I love her, why do I resist the changes that this brings? Will I quit smoking? Stop drug usage? Staying out all night? Should I get a 'real' job? Move from the mountains? At what point will I know? And on the converse, what changes is my partner willing to undertake to be with me? Things that I find annoying or offensive in her? Is it reasonable to request change in another? Or is it "all good"?

To quote my friend Sasha; "I have an amazing life" and I really do. I have never felt more loved by my friends and am having more fun than I have ever felt possible. It's this whole love thing that throws me. I know Sondra believes that there is no one right person out there and that a more open relationship is the way to go, I can see that point, but I still have this longing to know that at the end of the day the one person I love and loves me the 'most' will be there at home for me. I have never been a huge fan of traditional anything, and I like changing the status quo, but the traditional style relationship is in my psyche more than I thought.

Perhaps it's just not my time yet. Perhaps I am more poly than I am willing or wanting to admit. Perhaps I will be hopelessly in love with more than one the rest of my life. Perhaps I will never know what to do. THAT's what really bothers me. The knowing that I have a limited amount of time on the great ball and hat if I get it wrong? Will I really get another chance to do it again? And again? Does God have a three strike rule? Arrrggg!

Z