Mark's not so weird life
Marriage, what is it good for?
Mon, July 10, 2006 - 10:40 AMAll the time. And then there are life changes. What am I willing to put up with? Where are my fears keeping me from growing or accepting the best for me? I still have a sense that if the people that love me see through who I am presenting myself to be they will cease to love me. I'm getting better at it, but it's still in the back of my head.
Where is the perfect woman for me? Is there one? How will I know when she is here? Is she in my midst right now? What changes am I willing to accept to myself to accept another within my life? 100 years is not along enough to find out, that's for sure. Another one of God's cruel jokes I suspect. So to the point; When I accept a job to provide an income for my life I make massive changes from the jobless, happy-go-lucky lifestyle of a pre-teen or teen that is taken care of by another. I do this gratefully because the end product seems to be worth it.
When I have children I make even more massive changes to my life and how I do things. My time is no longer my own, the life of the child is much more important. I accept these changes willingly and gratefully because it seems worthwhile (and it is).
When I find a woman that loves me as much as I love her, why do I resist the changes that this brings? Will I quit smoking? Stop drug usage? Staying out all night? Should I get a 'real' job? Move from the mountains? At what point will I know? And on the converse, what changes is my partner willing to undertake to be with me? Things that I find annoying or offensive in her? Is it reasonable to request change in another? Or is it "all good"?
To quote my friend Sasha; "I have an amazing life" and I really do. I have never felt more loved by my friends and am having more fun than I have ever felt possible. It's this whole love thing that throws me. I know Sondra believes that there is no one right person out there and that a more open relationship is the way to go, I can see that point, but I still have this longing to know that at the end of the day the one person I love and loves me the 'most' will be there at home for me. I have never been a huge fan of traditional anything, and I like changing the status quo, but the traditional style relationship is in my psyche more than I thought.
Perhaps it's just not my time yet. Perhaps I am more poly than I am willing or wanting to admit. Perhaps I will be hopelessly in love with more than one the rest of my life. Perhaps I will never know what to do. THAT's what really bothers me. The knowing that I have a limited amount of time on the great ball and hat if I get it wrong? Will I really get another chance to do it again? And again? Does God have a three strike rule? Arrrggg!
Z
Mon, July 10, 2006 - 10:40 AM -
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Mon, July 10, 2006 - 11:32 AM
hmmm!
the tough questions never end do they Z? keep questioning, keep learning...I try, but even then I fall short from time to time.
I am your friend...albeit not such an understanding one sometimes...I hope you find the path to your heart, your a good man and you deserve someone that good in return...keep your eyes open she'll come along...mine did, I just hope I can be as good for her as she is for me.... good luck, and be patient...shit happens one day you WILL step in it...and you'll be glad... |
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Mon, July 10, 2006 - 12:50 PM
Sweet Z...
For over 8 years Houston and I had a really traditional relationship. It was what worked for us. Now there are little openings for other things here and there. The barn doors aren't wide open ~ but our hearts are. Approach everything with an open heart ~ don't settle for less than your worth, and that is higher than you realize ~ some compromise is good and some will only serve to make you bitter...take enough time making decisions to discern which one is true in each situation ~ and know that even after we each take our final breaths in this lifetime, even then there is more love out there for us than we can fathom. There is no reason to let anyone treat us as less than the magical beautiful creatures we are. I love you dear friend.
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Mon, July 10, 2006 - 12:50 PM
open you mind and heart....
I think I like living in the moment, I was married for 12 years and it was great, the sex was great. But I have also liked having my space and loving others. I have learned so much from my love of others too. I have not had a "poly" relationship/s and am very monomogous with my lover/s but I have accepted that I will love more than just one in my life. Sometimes I suppose the connection is so deep and is possible at any moment or day, whos to say whom may be around the next corner. Not that you should go sleeping with every other woman, but that you shouldnt close doors either.
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Mon, July 10, 2006 - 3:33 PM
Z, you know I love you, but wouldya mind gettin' the heck outta my head! Yer creepin' me out havin' the same thoughts and shit.
Chrissakes leave me to my crazy! *giggle* We'll talk in person soon and I'll listen this time. |
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Mon, July 10, 2006 - 5:38 PM
Well
actually, I'm not convinced of anythi9ng... but I do know that the part that bothers me about what you're saying is that you think there's an end goal. I know what you want and I want that too - someone - at least one person that you can tell everything to and who will be there as a comfortable place to hide but also exciting and challenging. The thing is - will you really have wasted your life, or have failed if that never comes your way? You're speaking about it like a goal - and I know - I have those moments too. But really, connecting with other people in all the weird and lovely ways we do, and even in some ways that don't work out how we want are all the reasons for being here. I don't beleive that God gives you chances to "get it right" - I believe that the gods and goddesses give us challenges and as I read in Sasha's book of pagan prayers, "burn up our weaknesses so that we may walk among gods" - and THAT is what you're doing - not winning or failing in some game of mere mortals - or at least that is the way of thinking that keeps me grounded.
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Mon, July 10, 2006 - 9:33 PM
"Justice moved my high maker, in power divine, wisdom supreme, love primal.
No things were before me not eternal; Eternal I remain. Abandon All Hope, You Who Enter Here. These words I saw inscribed in some dark color over a portal. "Master," I said, "make clear thier meaning, which I find too hard to gather." "All fear must be left here, and cowardice die" ~Dante Live fearlessly, with Passion, you have not time to understand the universe, only enough to enjoy it. E~ |
