Mark's not so weird life

Another night in the city

mark — Wed, 30 Aug 2006 08:20:14 GMT

I was thinking today how weird it was to change hats from last week to this week. Starting out helping to build the cafe, moving to an art project and then to running a village. The worst part of running a group of people is the drama, no mater how much I delegate, I will always get the drama. I hate drama. Is it such an integral part of our lives that we cannot live without it? Or is it just some people. To have a rough life, with many challenges makes one different. Some of the best writers there were have gone through harsh lives and because of that they had amazing stories to tell, was that drama? Dictionary dot com has drama as "any situation or series of events having vivid, emotional, conflicting, or striking interest or results". Is drama produced by overly emotional people? Or those that cannot control their feelings? Does a person who is overly dramatic have an edge on something that I am not aware of not being overly dramatic myself? Am I missing an important element of life by not infusing my life with drama? I was relating to Sondra the other day that I cannot eat hot liquids, tea, soup, whatever till it's sufficiently cooled for my tongue. She suggested that maybe there was something wrong that could be fixed by a visit to a doctor. It had never occurred to me that there might be something someone could do about it because it's never bothered me enough. If I burn my mouth once I'll not do it again. In my goal to be a writer am I turning away a great opportunity to live life more fully by not immersing myself in the drama that goes on around me? I can't see it but maybe there is something there. The funny part is I see and hear about a great deal of drama with some people and I don't shy away from jumping into helping them until it becomes complaining. I want to reduce the drama in my friends lives, but is that really helping them.

Friday baby!

mark — Sat, 26 Aug 2006 04:48:57 GMT

What a crazy past couple of days. Thursday Sondra, Adam and I spent in Reno, getting Sondra to the dentist for an emergency dental treatment, yucch. She's a trooper though. The rest of the time was spent driving around the city gathering groceries and wood for the project. We didn't get back till 10 pm. Then even being exhausted we headed over to ladies night party at the DPW compound, The Ghetto. Great party, lots of fun people there. I spent the majority of my time looking for sheep fucker, Everyone else saw him but me. I ended up drinking too much again and staying up till 3am, slept out side and finally had to get up just to get out of the sun. It was a cold night, glad I have two sleeping bags. Today, Friday, we spent the whole day working on the project. It's getting really close, we have the facing up on the upper walls and will complete it in the morning. Bunny Bon Bon came by and helped for a bit too. She's awesome. The day was great, no wind and some cloud cover towards the later afternoon. The playa surface is really starting to lose the frito lay texture as more and more cars drive on it. We have had no dust storms at all but some pretty gusty winds at times, As Kimberly pointed out, the lack of cars on the playa keeps the dust down. But on the flip side it's a smoother surface for riding a bike on. I'm spoiled being the only camper in kidsville for a week, the wide open spaces will be completely covered in, in just a few days. Wish I could stay later for a late exit. Oh yea, another addendum to the weather report, sunny and hot days but after only 3 days I acclimated pretty well, No sun burning yet as my arms seem to be able to take the brunt of the sun all day with only fine patine of playa for sunscreen. If you are driving here soon, don't forget to kill the bunnies and bring your ticket! Z

crunchy, crunchy

mark — Tue, 22 Aug 2006 04:04:37 GMT

The playa is certainly hard this year, but only in small 2-3 inch pieces. I found a blinky in center camp last night and was wearing it, this morning it fell apart scattering the batteries at my feet. I found one. One. The crevices are really deep. No commissary breakfast for me this morning, but I had yogurt to eat anyway so no big deal, I just missed my morning tea, and was feeling too lazy to break out the stove. I've been sleeping on the ground next to my car, Sondra has my dome and it's too nice here to wake up with the sunrise in my face. I might have to do that the entire time I'm here. My dome stays pretty cold in the mornings. No real events going on here, what few parties there are fun, like the DPW burn last Sunday night. I missed the beginning of it but I stayed for the fire spinning and was treated to a show like no other. DPW knows how to entertain. Fire Conclave has nothing on them. I don't even have words to describe the majesty of it. So you'll have to take my word for it. The day was hot and long. Building cafe and their shade all day with Goatt is rewarding but tiring, I'm pretty tired right now. And the light is still at a dusky feeling, very romantic. I need a snuggle buddy, but it's pretty nice being on my own out of my element. Some high winds today but no real dust to speak of. Oh yea. I rode across the playa to the farthest sculpture and found the way VERY bumpy. Loads of cross roads that were driven on when wet some time ago and now it a pain in the ass to ride across. literally.

playa living

mark — Mon, 21 Aug 2006 07:06:41 GMT

This is the first year I have been out here so early. It's awesome. There are maybe 300 people here, cafe crew, lamplighters, various art projects and of course DPW. The weather has been hot during the day andf cold, cold at night. Dining in the commisary is delightful, all the freaks gather there. Today was a birthday celebration for one of the cooks and everyone purposally sagn off key and NOT in unison happy birthday. It was cacophany at it's best. Worked on the shade structure for center camp today dug holes for posts, zip tied fabric, drank good whiskey and beer. A good crew and really fun to contribite to. Next year I will do this again if I can work out child care. Two weeks would be even better. If I can afford to take three weeks off work. Time for bed, for everyone reading this I cannot wait to see you out here. I spent some time with Cookie, who has been here for a week building the keyhole project with a new york burner. Bunnie Bonb, Bon is here working ticket crew. Fuck it's fun here.

Marriage, what is it good for?

mark — Mon, 10 Jul 2006 17:40:23 GMT

Life changes. All the time. And then there are life changes. What am I willing to put up with? Where are my fears keeping me from growing or accepting the best for me? I still have a sense that if the people that love me see through who I am presenting myself to be they will cease to love me. I'm getting better at it, but it's still in the back of my head. Where is the perfect woman for me? Is there one? How will I know when she is here? Is she in my midst right now? What changes am I willing to accept to myself to accept another within my life? 100 years is not along enough to find out, that's for sure. Another one of God's cruel jokes I suspect. So to the point; When I accept a job to provide an income for my life I make massive changes from the jobless, happy-go-lucky lifestyle of a pre-teen or teen that is taken care of by another. I do this gratefully because the end product seems to be worth it. When I have children I make even more massive changes to my life and how I do things. My time is no longer my own, the life of the child is much more important. I accept these changes willingly and gratefully because it seems worthwhile (and it is). When I find a woman that loves me as much as I love her, why do I resist the changes that this brings? Will I quit smoking? Stop drug usage? Staying out all night? Should I get a 'real' job? Move from the mountains? At what point will I know? And on the converse, what changes is my partner willing to undertake to be with me? Things that I find annoying or offensive in her? Is it reasonable to request change in another? Or is it "all good"? To quote my friend Sasha; "I have an amazing life" and I really do. I have never felt more loved by my friends and am having more fun than I have ever felt possible. It's this whole love thing that throws me. I know Sondra believes that there is no one right person out there and that a more open relationship is the way to go, I can see that point, but I still have this longing to know that at the end of the day the one person I love and loves me the 'most' will be there at home for me. I have never been a huge fan of traditional anything, and I like changing the status quo, but the traditional style relationship is in my psyche more than I thought. Perhaps it's just not my time yet. Perhaps I am more poly than I am willing or wanting to admit. Perhaps I will be hopelessly in love with more than one the rest of my life. Perhaps I will never know what to do. THAT's what really bothers me. The knowing that I have a limited amount of time on the great ball and hat if I get it wrong? Will I really get another chance to do it again? And again? Does God have a three strike rule? Arrrggg! Z

It's the nomadic life for me!

mark — Tue, 16 May 2006 04:42:17 GMT

I'll be 44 this June (2006) I've never been able to keep a job or live in the same place for more than two years, my average move is every 6 months. I don't necesarilly go far, but it's someplace other than where I was before. That said, I am moving again this week. My landlord needs me out to sell the place. Simple enough, but here I am moving again. So while the rest of the world relys on being static, home ownership being a reality, the semblance of stability manages to elude me. I have never been without a roof over my head and never will, I'll always be able to take care of myself, but why is it that I move so goddam much? I long for the stability to unpack all of my boxes and pound nails and tear down MY walls, but I get restless after a year or two. Don't know where it comes from and I don't feel badly about it and even the stress of moving dosen't upset me as much anymore. If you knew me from a few years ago, I always complained about moving (remember Sondra?), I think mostly because that's what I feel that I am supposed to do in society, but I really enjoy living in different spaces and wonder if I don't need it to be happy. Anybody else see this? Did nomads move because they had to or they wanted to? Perhaps one created the other. I don't think I have any nomadic genes in me but damn if it doesn't feel good setting up house someplace else. Is there a new nomadic culture in our midst? We don't move becasue we have to but because we need to. to keep our sanity. What would change in my life if I accepted the fact that I'll be moving someplace else every 8 months toa year? The year's lease offered by most landlords always feels like a prison sentance. Is my ADD showing up in my rental resume?

Vegas thoughts

mark — Sat, 01 Apr 2006 17:13:47 GMT

Traveling around Vegas, with nothing real to do gives me time to think about life, one is watching the great mass of people that are here and most are on vacation. My girls come to mind as I miss them a great deal and as I ogle the plethora of beautiful women here, how are my girls going to grow up? They will be beautiful women I can be sure as their mother is a beauty as well. How will they be perceived by others and more importantly how will they perceive themselves? Most people it seems don’t have a good grip on who they are and their role in the world. I struggle with this myself which explains my sensitivity on the matter. What can I do to help them find their way? Introducing them to the burner world of loosened sexual moores (by comparison) will give them knowledge that I did not have, the conversation around them on this topic seems healthy although uncomfortable at times (for me). Ticah is starting to question conversations that she does not understand when we (adults) talk on topics that are sexually extreme in their nature. While being discrete, she knows something is up. How can I discover the path they are going to take when it comes to healthy vs. unhealthy choices? And then guide them in an appropriate direction. Ahhh… the eternal question looms, how am I fucking up their lives? And can it be repaired if I am. I understand that they are their own persons, and that I have no control over how they will turn out. It frightens me however to see the homeless on the street and wonder what turn of events got them where they are. I like to believe that everyone consciously chooses their way into the world and gets exactly what they need or want to advance through life, but like a suicide is there a point where people just give up? That is what scares me. Giving up is death for the soul. I don’t believe that I am where I wish to be in life. But I am content with how it’s turned out thus far, my debts could be lower and I wish I had more financial freedom, but the truth is that I enjoy the struggle and make it a game to get along very day. But I also think that my attitude is based in my frustration to figuring out a way to advance. The pressure to set aside a nest egg for retirement is strong, I have no desire to stop working for a living, but the fear mongers amongst us are constantly sending a barrage of messages that tells me to get insured, save for retirement, develop a strong bank account, work 9-5, etc. But none of this seems natural. Here is where the burner community comes into play. I see a variety of persons around me that are doing different and sometimes extreme things to get along, what are their thoughts when they turn 80? What happens to them? My core group of friends are really amazing people, what are their fears? What are their expectations for the future? Most are artists and are creative for their present struggles, but we have yet to deal with old age and the inability to care for themselves. Do we start an old burner’s home? Where the daily events include the future raver's and burners performing for us like school children do today when visiting retirement communities? What do we have that can create that future for us? What plans do we have? So I guess this screed has nothing to do with my children as it seems to have more to do with me and my fears, fear of the future, fear of inability, fear of non-self reliance. I’ve based my life on taking care of myself and those around me. But, what the fuck? What about me? Where will I be in 40 years when I turn 83? It seems a long way off, but the constant drumming in my head says build now! But I don’t have the resources for it today, maybe tomorrow, but I’m not counting on it. I’m just looking for ideas.

on to the future

mark — Mon, 06 Mar 2006 18:38:44 GMT

I've spent a lot of time these past few months thinking about where I am and where I want to be emotionally. Watching my friends around me in struggle with their own psyches and agendas provides me with examples of where to go, either towards or away from. Thank God I have brave friends, their presence helps me persevere. The past 40 days of not speaking with the love of my life were pretty brutal. I had lost myself in a world that I could not be a part of. I am still fantastically in love with Kimberly, she is the closest thing I've come across for true companionship at this time. I long for it so much it disturbs me. How do I proceed in time without being needy? I hate neediness in others so how do I keep myself from becoming that way? I want so much to be with somebody who loves me equally that it hurts to watch other people who have it. Special thanks to Sondra and Will for putting up with my pain, but not changing who they are in front of me. It's hard to be in the same room as those two since they remind me of what I had and want again. I love you guys. I was at a party the other night with the staff and faculty of the meetings I am producing in Snowmass and a pretty new employee form Florida leaned waaay across me to take a picture and stayed there for some time perfecting the shot. It was an obvious flirt, and there was nothing I could do about it with is fine, but I noticed afterwards that I felt wonderful. Did I need that extra bit of attention to ward off the blues I had been slogging through? Or is it that I am so needy that any female attention will make me feel good. The former feels more accurate than the latter, but I have to wonder... I know there is someone out there for me, it's just a matter of time till we find each other. Impatience is mine enemy. I told Kimberly last night she had moved from being an agenda in my life to a memo that will stay with me forever, it's still a painful reminder of what I want and could not have for the long term. Perhaps there is a future for us, but it cannot be forced, trying not to force a relationship is difficult and I see that that is where I have made mistakes in the past. I was willing to give up a part of me to be with Kimberly, she was wiser and spotted it and though I denied it(!) she was the braver of the two of us and helped me along my path. For that I will be forever grateful but not till next month. :-) Any and all advice are encouraged

valentines day

mark — Wed, 15 Feb 2006 18:15:25 GMT

Valentines day, what a horrible day for me, what day is more effective in afflicting the single and besetting them with depression than this day. Yet I look forward to it nonetheless. Marriage idea. I think the marriage vows should be changed to reflect our modern times, Right now they read as "to care for in sickness and health till death do us part" which is fine for some people where monogamy is preferred, but what about the other population center that does not want to be tied to one person the rest of their life? To care for in sickness and health till separation do us part make more sense. It's not very romantic and needs to be dressed up so it can be effectively marketed to the people. People are, it seems, going to be splitting relationships regardless of social standards or religious rulings. I wonder what the differences are with violence towards women if the marriage is "mandated" or "open". Is there more violence in a religious, arranged or otherwise marriage where divorce or separation is not an option? Regardless, current society would not allow it as another choice, not this week. Valentines day has passed and all is better. I place so much importance on this day that when it arrives I am usually anxious and depressed, even when I have someone to be with. I know I am not alone in this.

my broken camera

mark — Fri, 10 Feb 2006 01:31:51 GMT

I broke my camera last night. FUCK. I'm pissed about it because I like taking pictures, they help me remember my times and friends, I don't have that great of a memory. But recently I've been using it as an audio acrhive of my feelings and thoughts. They're embarrassing to listen to but I figured they would come in handy in a few months or years as I go through my trials of trying to figure myself out. I started the project when I realized that I needed to do something to keep from forgetting what I was feeling at the moment. The pain of breaking up with Kimberly and having to deal with a lonely life again. I remember breaking up with Sondra, I cried a lot. It was the worst time ever, but I cannot remember the memory of my feelings. I know it was sad and I felt worthless as a lover and a boyfriend. I remember wondering when this was all going to be over, when was it going to be my turn to find my one true love. Sondra was not it, there were no bones made about it. We were not matchedas lovers, although she did turn into my best friend, and I had to realize that to get over it. I think it took me a month to 3 months to get over her and a full 6 months to really get over her. But we were stuck in the same house, too broke to leave and the house was too small to sleep anywhere else. With Kimberly it was a doomed adventure from the very beginning. This long distance shit does not work for me. The sad part is she is the closest thing I have come to in a perfect lover. We are well matched on almost every level.Today is day 17 since I have spoken with her. I inatiated a breakup where I would not call her and I requested that she not call me. I felt badly about making that request as I love her very much and I know that she does me, but I was having breakdowns every other day and I have to make a break from it and get over my feelings with her fast. So in that, I am saddened again today, I have spent a good deal of time trying to find where my sadness comes from. I am thinking of Kimberly a lot and need to look at that. I'll be posting my thoughts here till my camera gets fixed.