Yes It's been a Long, Long time between blogs...and here I am in my safe zone writing about my most recent brain-mushing situation. I think occasionally my blogging is to help me wade through the Interstate- highway-at-rush-hour-stream-of -thought that gets going when my heart gets tugged....this is one of those rush hours.

I have been semi-searching for this ex-husband for a number of years. I caused him a ton of hurt and pain while dealing with a dying and fairly manipulative mother. Don't get me wrong, I love her (loved, that is - she is 26 years deceased now) but even she would admit to doing whatever she needed to do to get what she wanted.
He and I got married in a hospital chapel during one of her many cancer-related episodes. This was because she (we) was afraid she was going to die immediately and wanted to see me married and taken care of ...we complied. Then a series of family dramas, involving my bio-daughter, set the whole drama in motion that led to the demise of our marriage. Mama was at the under-belly of it and I wasn't strong enough to stand up to her.

He did all he could do to save us, but I wasn't having any of it....I shut down to him, turned my back. Not to say that there weren't issues other than that - there were. And I had issues I hadn't even begun to recognize, much less deal with.

Soooo....he moved on, at my insistence. I had second thoughts sometimes, would start to venture back in but was told he was happy and if I went and disrupted, it would do more harm than good....so I let go.

Time passed, I asked mutual friends about him when we would talk, learned he wasn't happy and his present situation was more of a trap - but again I was told it was best to stay out of it and away...Ok, again, I let it go hoping that by doing so it would keep from adding crap to his already full plate. But I still felt the need to apologize for how I had treated him.

Long story even longer....I found him on a message board...just did a little search and there he was....and he was replying and forgiving.....and he has pictures from way back...and allllllll this flood of emotion rolls over me like a tidal wave - and it just won't stop.
I am trying to be cautious, talking with him is happy and giggly and like swimming in tropical waters, but I am also scared of the emotions this is bringing up and scared of hurting again and being hurt....30 years - 29 years truly ( we were married in May 1980, he reminded me, and said Happy Anniversary).

I am standing at the edge of a very very high cliff, thinking of diving in, and yet not wanting to at the same time.

He wants to visit next week - and he probably will, and we will talk and try to figure out what went wrong and hopefully work our way towards forgiveness. There is so much different about us now that if we get to that part - the forgiveness - I will be happy...at least that is what I am telling myself.

**The following was sent to me on February 13 - and I would have shared it then - but I had to run run run...so hear it is, some good news...**

James Rado and Gerome Ragni wrote the famous song entitled, The Age of
Aquarius and the opening words would touch something deep inside the
soul; a message of hope and guidance for those of us who would hear the words.
These words:
When the moon is in the Seventh House
And Jupiter aligns with Mars Then peace will guide the planets
And love will steer the stars
This is the dawning of the Age of Aquarius
The Age of Aquarius Aquarius! Aquarius!
Harmony and understanding
Sympathy and trust abounding
No more falsehoods or derisions
Golden living, dreams of visions
Mystic crystal revelation And the mind's true liberation
Aquarius! Aquarius!
When the moon is in the Seventh House
And Jupiter aligns with Mars
Then peace will guide the planets
And love will steer the stars
This is the dawning of the Age of Aquarius

This year the exact alignment spoken of nearly 40 years ago will occur
with the end of a Piscean influenced society, reflected through the
American government of the past, and the old financial institutions.
The old regime has been driven from power by the unification of a single,
collective, awakened voice. The new Aquarian era has begun in the United
States of America and is being extended through a hand of partnership to the world to join in unison.

The alignment of Mars and Jupiter, with the Moon in the 7th house occurs
as Jupiter, Mars, Neptune, and Chiron the Wounded Healer, the Sun and
the North Node all align in Aquarius. To make this even more significant
it occurs on February 14, 2009, Valentines Day, at 7:25am (GMT). For
those of us on the Pacific Coast , that is 11:20pm the night before
(February 13th). On the East Coast 2:20am on the 14th and those in
Switzerland and Germany 8:20am on the 14th.

The Seventh House is commonly referred to as the House of Partnership.
Within this House, we see a shift away from the self toward another - a partner.
In cooperating and relating to others we unite for the purpose of achieving
something grand. Purpose is important to the Seventh House the act of
accomplishing something great. In uniting with others, we become a more
valuable member of our world: we make a contribution, one small cog in
the wheel of life. We have purpose. Cooperation and partnership help to
expedite our purpose in life.

We are on the cusp, leaving the Age of Pisces and moving forward into
the Age of Aquarius fully. The alignment of Jupiter with Mars has
occurred twice already once in 1973 and again in 1998. Reflect on what
was occurring in your life at this time as it has a significant message
for your journey forward.

Valentine’s Day is dedicated to the Patron Saint of Love and how
significant as the words to this song, reflect the new vibration that is
moving around the world, for focus on peace. An overriding desire to
experience love and harmony amongst all people and all nations. A
renewed concern by the citizens of the world to develop a more
harmonious relationship with nature, to protect the environment and our
Mother Earth. We have come so far… and yet we have so much work still
ahead of us. At this time we can unify our efforts together as a
collective prayer of one.

Those of you, who have the Andara Crystal, gather groups together
to pray for this alignment of energies and the full anchoring of the
Aquarian age. Many of you have the beautiful quartz earth from
Mount Shasta and can also do the same. Make the commitment to open
your heart and visualize the emerald green and
magenta ray of light coming together to restore balance.

When these planetary events occur we have such tremendous support
and power to work together for a common good. This is a time of
transformational shifting for each of us individually, but more importantly
for our world. The Age of Aquarius is symbolic of a great spiritual transformation, a new sense of
democracy, freedom and humanitarianism. The end of religious separation
and the return of the first religion, earth religion and a deep
spiritual connection to one another. This transitional period between
two ages is considered to be a process that occurs over many years, not
on an exact day or year.

The alignment will last for approximately 18 minutes so make a
commitment to join with people from all over the world at this time and
pray that our leaders of all nations are guided by love and peace and we
as citizens of the world come together to support the changes of this
new era. For those of you who live in Southern California we will be
doing a very special evening meditation here on Friday, February 13th
and information will be sent our shortly for those of you would like to
attend. Be the change you dream about. Join together with the world this
night and pray for unification and healing. It starts with us.

I haven't been here in awhile - but I flesh things out better here than on my other blogs, so here I go...

Early Morning....I have to preface this rather cool event by saying that I believe all state troopers are required to have Lasix surgery to over-correct their vision. On Dec 1, I got a ticket (legitimately) from a trooper who was passing me from the on-coming direction and spotted my expired inspection sticker - he was nice as could be...but I still got 2 tickets - the tags were expired also.... So I am flying about 70 in a 65 zone this morning - no biggie - cars are passing me...but what do I see ahead but blue lights of a state trooper who has pulled someone over. I moved into the far lane because to not do so, in this state anyway can cost you $500, when a law enforcement officer is on the side of the road with lights flashing.....I passed on by noticed he was going back to his car and flew on towards work. As I was exiting toward CHarles City, I noticed a car bearing down on me....then the flashing blues and thought...."How could he know I was gong 70?"....but pulled over....
He comes to my door, I open it, since the window doesn't roll down effectively (she's a '77 F100), And he says "GOod Mornign Ma'am, I stopped you because your inspection sticker is ex...." I respond - " oh I know, sir, it's a money thing and I'm going to court on Tuesday since I couldn't get it taken care of ...Blah blah...." and explain while thinking to myself "how could he have seen the sticker from WAAAAY over there?"... he asks to see the tickets and looks them over...asks if I got my registration straight..."just yesterday". I reply....he says okay, I'm not going to write you a ticket this time.....etc then goes to leave but stops ans hesitantly says, "....Um. I have a question....I saw you have a sticker that says I'm pagan and I vote"....I start to smile and wonder where this is going....."ummm, is that about the motorcycle pagans or is it...?" and as he's asking, he pats his chest over his heart while looking at me kind of nervously...i smile bigger and do a kind of laugh noise...it could have been so much worse....and say, "it's a spiritual path - nature based spirituality, for me..." he sighs and says, " I thought so....and I am really curious about that kind of thing"...And I repeated, "well, it is, for me, Nature-based spirituality." I would have liked to talk more but both of us had to work, I guess so he quickly said, "well have a good day"...and warned me to get the inspection done...a truly nice encounter.

SO the day passes with a few hurdles here and there no biggie... and time to head home....and out of nowhere it starts...I have no radio and usually I sing my whole way home, but tonight thoughts rambled to the last crush - THE crush that I thought I was over a year or so ago, and this raw flood of gut wrenching raw emotional pain just rips though me like the spread of wildfire... I start to rationalize and think through and try to remember what the words were that were spoken to me that brought these feelings on...and as I am pushing and poling the raw spots - picking the scab...I start to cry in pain and frustration - I don't want to be angry at someone for hurting me this bad, especially when they don't even realize that they did it....and as is my way - I can't even remember the words that were spoken (seems that I tend to lock these severely painful memories away in an inaccessible vault) - just the energy and the "feel" of the moment...it is almost as if I need to cry over it again after all this time...months and months... I don't know why all this flooded in tonight; I'm feeling pretty good, decent day - something recent triggered it, because I remember suppressing the surge of bittersweet pain when it happened... and I realized tonight I have to find someway to release it - don't know if I should talk to them...or just find some tangible way to let it go. All I know is the crush seems to be more deep-seated than I thought it was (I hate those kind of surprises) and I need to deal with that, too.

*sigh* Yin-Yang day ...some iota of good in the bad and the touch of bad in the good...all swirling around in the brain cell...if it's my turn to have it that is...

Ever heard this?

www.youtube.com/watch



Well, that was sorta like my Thanksgiving day...except we didn't sing much because everyone (well, except for Amy and Amy's mom) were hacking and coughing and cooking oh my....Amy's mom did cook and she cleaned around the kitchen for awhile, but the Pink Drinks set in and there was some revelry had by some.
Jason tinkered with gadgets and rode his 4-wheeler, Landon, Nikita and Goku became the owners of Dave's soul - but I think they worked up a time-share agreement...
Jamie was nursing bruised ribs and trying not to cough after a particularly long and brutal wrestling match...and I am sure he would have welcomed a pink drink, but by 3pm all the Vodka was gone (I will not go into this because it will turn into a rant)....not to mention he is 15 and isn't supposed to drink pink things.
Cody was helping with the pink drinks, made her famous green bean casserole and helped with the appetizers....and helped with Landon's diaper duty.
Amy was in charge of pink drink delegation - and Reuben dip....oh and setting the table up outside in 50 degree weather (Jason's idea)
Amy's mom was chief of mashed potatoes, and pink drink ingredients, and had a very good ear for the "Rambling Stories While Cooking Thanksgiving Dinner" by Yours Truly...
Dave was just Dave.
I cooked turkey (yes I know I am vegetarian ...no one else in the house knows how to cook one...), stuffing, vegetarian stuffing (made it up on the fly with onions and apples), homemade mac-n-cheese, double layer pumpkin pie, razzleberry dressing, and we had the greenbean casserole ala Cody also.

We did the traditional "what I am thankful for" and it got teary and heartfelt.... and on occasion obnoxious - and I was happy to sit in the freezing cold for a half hour or so enjoying my family.

Landon loved the double layer pumpkin pie so much he was eating it with 2 spoons at a time - LOL - the one time no one had a camera ready....

Then 3 hours of clean up - yes I cleaned as I cooked ...folks eat off lots of dishes, and there was food to put away...

Intermingled with bits of music...overall I was worn the F out when I sat down...


That story being told....

I am late putting this blog together for many reasons - things have been so off-kilter for me in the last few months, so this year I have a yin-yang balance of gratitude; for instance, I am grumpy that I had to move, but very grateful I had a place to move to, with people who argue with me alot but but I am grateful for them having my back....really kind of twisted personal gratitude line there, wouldn't you say?

But with all that has gone on with me - there have been others who I love, who have gone through just as many hard times as I have...

Angela - oh sweetie, I know how hard this past couple of months has been , I am so sorry you lost your best friend and sorry we lost our great friend...and I am very grateful for you and the fact that you lived with him - otherwise I may never have had the opportunity to get to know the sweet, intelligent and fiercely loyal side of our recently departed John. You have a wonderful and wide open spirit - Fae at times, Raven at times...and always ready for adventure and love and dance....( well, if you have planned and saved for it, that is, lol )

Rachael - you and Billy and Natalia opened your home to me and Jamie - causing the notch that I already had in my heart to grow deeper - and somewhat mangled by your cutie patootie Natalia ( ~ what a way to go ;-) ~ ). You have been a shoulder and a sister. Thank you so much for allowing my blustery intrusions - lol.

Sara - oh my goodness ...where to begin....the things you do to be there for me - I can never ever say thank you enough. From the words of help and advice to the admonishments and rants when you are trying to be protective and Mother Hen-ish, I can always count on you to put things in a different perspective - not that I always agree - but always love that you love me enough to go there. I have no words that will ever be adequate for my gratitude for you....

Jessie - I say it every year, and I mean it every year...if there was a picture of passion in the dictionary, it would be you and it would cover every definition of the word...Everything you do has passion all wrapped up in it...or else you find a way to make it so. You have been there for me, you and Dirk that is.... you have scooped me up at the most unexpected times and saved me from the Big Bad Wolf and sent him packing, you have listened and offered encouragement - and always always always you are totally you, and always true to you...

Dirk...choir master ( and Master At Arms - hahaha) - I have mentioned how you and Jessie have been there for me... but I am grateful for you as my partner in choir crime ( don't fall out laughing - you know what I mean), musician's musician, and friend - When I need brutl honesty *poof* there you are.....and I may not welcome it at first, but I know what you say is for my own good, and that you care - or you wouldn't bother. You have been and are such a grounding force to my butterfly chasing in and out of choir - and I am grateful more than you know

And to all of you, since I have moved, it has been hard and I feel the distance more than I want to admit...I miss OG Soups and Salad Noshes, and IHOP and Witch House week-ends, so much more than you know...you are all my family - once I called you my family of choice, now I refer to you as the Family of My Heart. I love you and miss you...

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!

PS - Sorry I couldn't find a pic with Dirk in it

ummmmm....have you seen your cat lately?



Looks like he gets around when you aren't home....or maybe his doppleganger(or however you spell it)