check it out!

i feel excited about this and i hope you know some people who would like to view it, if only because we had so much fun making it. All the music is original and composed by Gavain.

Go to www.youtube.com/watch (or go to YouTube.org and do a search on "kaseja"). Or you can access the video through our website: www.idproject.us. Click on Life Coach Counseling (which is on the Home Page).

Namaste

Dear Friends,

here we are at our friend George's house relaxing and catching up on our rest before fully joining back up with our Oregon life. it's been a restful visit. George took care of my old dog Huck while we were traveling and she looks glossy and happy from all the attention. i'm glad her old bones were taken care of while i was gone.

the last few months have blessed me considerably. i finished my 40 days of affirmations and did notice a change of abundance in my life, for which i am grateful. i have come up with new affirmations and i would like to share them with you and what they mean to me.

1. My life is a study of the universe.
this is about being present, seeing what is, participating with my whole self and seeing how i am a part of it all; indeed how i even help create it. it's seeing the beauty and perfection in all that's around me,and when it doesnt feel beautiful or perfect to be with that until it's perfection manifests.

2. I love my body, it is a temple of god
using the word god in it's loosest, most composite form (i have defined god in the past, so i wont go into that here, but you can substitute spirit, or universe, or goddess, or jesus or anything else that works for you), this affirmation encourages me to love myself in the shape i am in right now. it's also about being aware of what i put into my body. sometimes i do this affirmation even when i'm eating "junk" food to remind myself to continue to strive toward making nourishing choices. i made a belly bracelet with 3 beautiful beads on it to remind myself to love my body. i love how the beads came into my life: the story is a little too boring, but it was a wonderful case of serendipity and i love the little scarab beetle with the ankh on the other side.

3. When i notice i am acting from my personality, i find a way to be present.
there are so many times in my life when i am fussing over something really inconsequential. have you read Don't Sweat the Small Stuff (and It's All Small Stuff)? That's what i'm talking about. and it's related to the first affirmation, too, because when i am staying present, i'm staying out of my personality, because i am keeping a wide perspective.

4. I recognize that I am not me.
this one re-emphasizes, in a different way, that i am really a part of this universe. i am connected to you, to my mother, to my friend Emma, to Gavain , to everyone and everything because we are all a part of this universe and we are calling this big and mysterious thing into being every moment. this one keeps me out of small mind.

5. It is impossible for me to have any needs or unfulfilled desires.
i am growing into this one: in my last series of affirmations, i had one that was very like this. it suggested that when we were undeniably connect to our source, it was impossible to have any needs or unfulfilled desires because we are so connected to all that is and because we can recognize that it all happens at once anyway. when i work with this affirmation, i notice that usually when i feel desire, or unfulfilled, it's because i have an idea of what will happen (or what happened in the past) and that Right Now, i actually am free. being totally present is the key, again.

6. Divine creative energy pours easily and effortlessly from my being. i am now in the flow.
i dont think this one needs explanation.

7. god is right here
being aware that being totally present is the key to being totally alive.


now that i only have 7 affirmations, i can do them anytime, i'm not dependant on a piece of paper. i like this series, it feels like it keeps me connect to what is really important.

Gavain and i went to Florida again with the kids this year. it was wonderful to be a part of his family. we discovered a 1.25 mile boardwalk over a wetlands near Zoe's house (his sister) and we went there often and took many wonderful photos of the incredible birds. You can view our pictures by going to our website ( www.idproject.us) and clicking on photos. The "creatures" set has mostly birds from Green Cay wetlands, but we will be adding to that set ( Flickr will only let us have 3 sets so for now we're going to have just the 3). if you like to look at pictures, keep checking our website, because we plan to upload regularly.

we also got to visit the manatees again. Gavain's dad gifted us with a trip to west Florida. We got to go with our friend Emma and that was wonderful in so many ways. i feel deeper in love with Emma, and Kite and Emma bonded as well. we rented a boat and snorkel gear and got to swim with these peaceful creatures and touch them. snorkeling for the first time was an adventure for me, i had to work at convincing myself that i could really breathe underwater. and as i was in the process of letting go whether or not i would see manatees (much less touch them) i turned around and there was one just a few feet from me. it took my breath away! i had to remind myself that these creatures are incapable of hurting anyone or anything. it was so large it was a little frightening. Kite had a similar experience. Gavain and i got to roll around a bit with a calf (they stay with their mothers for 3 years and this one looked about 2 years old). We also saw wonderful pelicans, cormorants and other birds as well as a cold katydid that let us hold it and maybe a wild pig. Gavain has been inspired to dream of owning and living on a boat in some tropical climate. i am wondering how parenting Kite and Mariner fit into that. i'm looking forward to seeing how it all works out.

someone looked me up on tribe, followed that to our website and called me for a life coach counseling session, so it seems my practice is building slowly. i do love doing this work, and i feel i am helpful to others. that is so satisfying! i feel grateful that i am given what i need to reach out to others in this way. more and more often i feel a strong sense of being led by divine inspiration. that is the single, most important aspect of my life.

on the home front: Kite is turning into a tweener and his reading is improving vastly. Mariner, too, is settling down a little, and he seemed quite excited when i told him i saw him as an ethereal being. beth and Marty enjoyed their travels into California and they all made it through visiting Marty's family of origin (you know how those "meet the family" times can be a little nerve wracking). beth and the kids are settling into their school routines and Marty got a new job doing bookkeeping and IT work that he can do mostly at home working with a Watershed Council.

Life is good, i love you all and am grateful for how you have contributed to my life, large and small. if you want to see past blogs you can find them at http://www. wildertribe.org/people/kaseja.html i'll be posting this blog on there soon. and we are constantly updating our website, so be sure to check in there once in awhile. the blurred picture of an egret that's now on the front page was taken by me at Green Cay, we think it's beautiful.

love to you all. i hope spirit is singing through your life! i leave you with some words from Rumi:

--We listen to words so we can silently reach into the other. --Rumi

love,
kaseja

Dear Friends,
so much can happen in 5 months! my vision has changed so much: that is the most exciting news. some weeks ago i realized the most important way for me to be in the world was to be fully aware of god in each moment. what i mean by that is to be fully aware of namaste between me and everyone and everything i encounter. namaste: being aware of the light within me and seeing the light within you: knowing that within that light we are one. i feel really excited by this vision. i feel it's possible for me to achieve this awareness in my life time. i feel it, deep in my soul, that this is the kind of awareness we all are coming to. i think of it as conscious evolution.
on a daily basis i am having a visceral spiritual experience of being aware that we all are from the light (god, Universe, spirit, goddess...) and are exorably headed back there. But at the same time, we ARE there -- human beings having a spiritual experience-- i just love paradoxes, dont you? We're headed there and we are there. I'm in alignment with Ram Dass on this point (Grist for the Mill) this is not just something i believe, it's something that i am experiencing: i am living it.
recently the whole wildertribe and a few associates went to Florence to visit a friend. while there, i was feeling challenged in my pursuit of sensuality. i'm still trying to find the way through this labyrinth; some paths innate, some laid down for me in the context of my sexual experiences in my childhood. in the middle of the night i became agitated and left the house to go to the van to see if i could sleep there (i couldnt). some days later i was in the van in Eugene with Gavain telling him about by experience and i said "i went to the van and while i was there, um here, well, here and there...hey! we live in a paradox, here and there can refer to different places at the same time!" that was fun: paradoxes make my brain feel good.
in this moment, it seems a little hard to recap what i've been doing these last 5 months. it seems i've been doing a lot of being present, and you know how much time that takes: practically all the time available! let's see....
last summer, while Gavain and i were talking to a couple of friends who were struggling with jealousy issues we decided to schedule a satsang---a discussion and exploration held in a spiritual fashion, community style. (for a longer definition of satsang go to our website
(www.idproject.us); under "Services" click on "Satsangs and gatherings".) we called our satsang 'Jealousy on the Road to Freedom' and we figured it would be a small gathering--maybe 6 people including ourselves. we unexpectedly packed Audrey's yurt with 25 people that night. after a few ice-breaking preliminaries, we led guided meditations encouraging those present to connect to their true selves--the place inside where we know we are loveable and worthy. We also encouraged everyone to take a few moments to connect with, honor and make friends with their 'shadow' side. the rest of the evening was given over to group discussion, satsang style.
we did another satsang this month called 'Discerning Truth in Judgment'; beginning the evening in a similar way. we then did an exercise where we were invited to let 2 other people embody our judgment while we stayed in touch with the strength inside ourselves. i re-remembered that when i accept that i have judgment, it brings so much space into the situation (as opposed to when i resist, or even judge, my judgment). i learned that i can consider judgment as a kind of empathy: "i can relate to you and imagine myself in your position, but i would make Very Different choices!" it had never occurred to me to think of judgment as empathy. i also learned (or remembered) that judgment comes up for me when i am attempting to have control over a situation. if i remember that control is an illusion, it helps the judgment float in a larger space. all in all, i remember to take myself (and my judgment) so much less seriously and just see it as a phenomenon passing through this being currently called kaseja.
Heart of Now is in the process of differentiating from Lost Valley. i'm still not sure how it's going to look, but i think it's a good move. it feels right. i feel a little sad for Lost Valley, but it seems to be the general direction Lost Valley is going in. meanwhile, i am still coordinating the assistant team (which i really enjoy) and facilitating the course regularly (which i really love). i see Heart of Now principals really helping people get in touch with practices that lead to more alive and fuller lives. i really love being a part of this program.
i am beginning to build my practice. i held 3 sessions in 3 weeks this month! i am confident that i can build a name for myself as someone who can help people come to clarity in their lives and with others and find way to be more fully alive. i'm calling my business Nurturing the Light Within.
i have stopped working for Home Instead and now have a private client--i work for a woman who's mother is in her 90's and has Alzheimer's. i have a family feel for these new women in my life and i care about my client very much. i feel relieved to be able to use my excellent caregiving skills straight from my heart, rather than needing to sieve them through a mask of professionalism that was required as a Home Instead CareGiver. dont get me wrong, i'm not knocking Home Instead, they were a great company to work for and i appreciate the service they are providing in this area. for many situations, i would recommend them whole heartedly. but i am enjoying the closeness i enjoy with the family i am working with and also the fact that my schedule is more flexible.
news about the kids: Kite is doing great on improving his reading. he turned 8 last week; he's totally a great kid and he really looks like an 8 year old. sometimes he looks 14. wow; that's really all i can say about that. Mariner and Kite both enjoy their new school; they're in the local public school this year, and they both like their teachers. but Mariner seems to be exhibiting some regressive behavior at home, and i think he's feeling somewhat pressured to be 'together' and 'on' at school. Gavain and i have been striving to create restorative time for him at home by having him play by himself, or hang out with one or both of us, or play with only 1 child. i also have the feeling that he's on the verge of a developmental leap which is contributing to his disequilibrium. ah! the life of a parent!
other tidbits:
Marty and beth had an engagement party last month. they are planning a fall wedding.
Marty turned 40! he's looking for work in Eugene as a bookkeeper or accountant.
beth is pursuing a Masters degree at UofO (English as a second language).
i got a passport!
ming san is living in Sacramento with Shaina. we are exchanging Meaningful emails, for which i am grateful.
i'm doing a series of affirmations having to do with gratitude and prosperity that i plan to do for 40 consecutive days...i'm on day 23! if you want to see my affirmations, let me know.
inspiring books i have recently read: Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life (a workbook), the first 4 novels in a series by Diana Gabaldon (the fifth one i dont like so much), A Year With Rumi (Coleman Barks), O, friends, i have to tell you: i love my life! i love our van!! See pictures on our website! (www.idproject.us); the last subject under Services is Current Projects: if you click on that, you'll see pictures of our van and learn about how we run it on oil.
i adore living with Gavain! we continue to support each other to be our full selves, our true beings in every way. it's awesome! we are completely free with each other at are totally devoted to each other as well. it's the best it's ever been. we love our website! (can you tell?) check out our blog on relationships, too! (click on links...The Naked Now What is the first
link). i hope spirit is singing through your lives. write and tell me what's up with you!
namaste,
kaseja

i closed the last Heart of Now workshop with this poem:
Oh soul
you worry too much
you have seen your own strength
you have seen your own beauty
you have seen your golden wings
of anything less
why do you worry?
you are in truth
the soul, of the soul, of the soul.
-Rumi

Dear Friends, July 2007

I'm sitting near Fall Creek on a beautiful morning under a canopy of wondrous trees. The osprey woke me up this morning with her call (and i got to hear a kingfisher yesterday) what a perfect place to start this letter to you.

When i last wrote, i had to seize a few moments of clearing in an extremely stormy time in my life to let you know i was having a hard time, but i was keeping faith that things would work out for me somehow (even though i couldn't see how.) I was unsure about how to reach out in my distress or how to shift it. I did reach out some, and i deeply appreciate all of you who held me literally and figuratively...you know who you are.

The very day Gavain and i left Lost Valley, something shifted and i felt my connection to my life force within me again. The biggest external reason that i can cite is that my transition from Lost Valley felt huge to me. And i was associating that with transition in my childhood that felt dangerous to me. I repeatedly needed to put time and attention into shaking the apparent reality that i was unsafe. Hormones were playing a part, too, as i have started pre-menopause. I did a number of healing sessions with friends (and countless impromptu sessions with Gavain) to explore the roots of those feelings and release them. One particularly deep session involved a friend holding my yoni while i released trauma stored there. I wont tell that story here, but if you are interested in the details let me know and I'll tell you what we did.

In our search for housing, Gavain and i looked at and considered over a dozen places. We either rejected them or were rejected for one reason or another. When June 15 came, we still didn't know where we would be and we set up the van to live out of it until we found our place. I called some friends and asked if we could park out side their house. So far, we haven't needed that support. We usually park near where I am working the next day (care-giving for elderly folks in their homes). Two to four days a week i come to Lost Valley to be with Mariner and Kite. We're working out a rhythm that feels good to everybody. We have considered getting a cell phone because it's a little hard to get a hold of us immediately. We do have a Skype phone number (541-359-2633) but we need to have internet access to get our calls and so far haven't found good places to park the van that also have internet access. We continue to consider and then reject the cell phone idea. $1,000 for 2 years of phone service seems like a lot of money.

The biggest news is that life feels vibrant and full for me again. I came up with a definition of god that i really like: it's you and me holding this moment with love. I'm feeling god pretty powerfully in my life right now. When i have a flash of wondering if I'm doing the right thing (I mean, here i am 45 years old and living out of a van! Impossible!) I sink into that still small voice within and i know that i am doing the right thing. I am able to help support my family financially this way and spend enough time with them and have time for myself sometimes (like today). We're able to pay off large unexpected costs (like the transmission going out on the van) without too much stress. The logistics between beth and Marty and the children's scene and our scene is working out remarkably smoothly. I feel happy. But more than all this i feel in alignment with myself. I feel I am solidly on my path. Last December i felt my whole life shifted toward being one with god-- i feel like i married god and committed to answering god's call for the rest of my life. This feels real and true n my life on a daily basis. I still don't know exactly where it's going, but that's ok. Sometimes that feels exciting, other times scary; sometimes it feels neutral and open. But i do have a pervasive feeling of what i'm doing being Right for me.

i find it interesting that it feels almost as hard to let people know that I'm really happy as it does to tell people that i'm having a hard time. i guess partly i fear other's judgment. I certainly had enough people attempt to make a link between my ecstasy last summer and my difficult spring. However, fear of other's judgment never slows me down for long: i figure no matter what i do, someone's gonna judge me so i may as well do what feels right to me way deep down. I do feel free. When people judge me for that, i hope i can show them that my desire is that we all feel free.

On a related note, it seems that many of my friends are wrestling with themes of jealousy, feeling special and other related relationship dynamics. Gavain and i came up with a list of Attitudes that Support Intimacy and i'm going to share them with you. We'd love to hear your feedback.

Attitudes that Support Intimacy
(these are not in a prioritized order)
1. Honesty supports and encourages intimacy.
2. My desire to be special is met my my knowing that I am unique and worthy no matter who is (or is not) reflecting that to me at any given moment.
3. Jealousy is a sign of fear of lack (or potential lack) in my life and has to do with what is healing in me, not with my partner's (lover's, spouse's) current behavior. Jealousy is a thought process, not an emotion. I break jealousy down to its constituent emotions and address them individually.
4. I take responsibility for my reactions to events: positive and negative. Taking full responsibility for my reactions allows me to act from an empowered place.
5. I acknowledge that when my partner (lover, spouse, child, friend) engages in activities that enliven and excite them, this feeds their life force, which enables them to give more to our relationship.
6. Offering empathy, understanding and unconditional love is more conducive to intimacy than being “right”..
7. Relationships do not thrive on "emotional bookkeeping". (I'll do _____ for you, if you'll do ____ for me").
8. As an adult, I am responsible for and capable of taking care of my needs. My partner (lover, spouse, child, friend) is not responsible for meeting my needs. I recognizing that my fear of abandonment is most likely rooted in childhood and is not about my current situation.
9. Understanding is nice when it can be achieved, but acceptance is always available and perhaps more valuable.
10. Love is most vibrant when the people involve are grateful for what is real. This starts with each person being fully willing to be here and present.

How do we show our love? Like the last attitude underlines, it's not always a matter of wanting to be there, sometimes it's a matter or willing: willing to help out my child even when i don't want to. Or be with someone in an uncomfortable situation and hold the anxiety with calm acceptance. I am finding that to the degree that i can self soothe while in a challenging situation, is the degree which i am able to feel intimate with the person I am with. For instance, when Gavain feels fierce in some way I can relax and let it wash over me like water off a coot. I am not responsible for his emotion and i know it will pass. Most of the time i understand what is happening for him, sometimes i can help ease the situation, sometime i cant, or the situation does not call for easing. Understanding is not what helps me hold the space, however, acceptance and being present does that. Seeing Gavain essentially helps, too.

I just finished writing a song. The last line of it is "god is here, call it what you will, it's you and me holding this moment here with love." When i can really hold life like that it is vibrant and good. I want to hold that in front of me like a lens through which I see everything.

Last week I felt so in love with Gavain, I was in an altered state. I laughed and cried and made love 1,000 different ways, and I'm not talking about sex. For example, we were biking up Big Fall Creek Road east of Puma Campground and we heard a waterfall. We parked our bikes to explore and it was just beautiful; moss covered and dripping. We decided to climb up the ravine to see if we could find a spring. We didn't actually climb high enough to find the source of the waterfall, but we did, however, get married. I can't remember exactly what we said, but it was along the lines of seeing the essential Divine nature in one another and doing whatever we could to nurture that. It was holy and barefoot and good. Riding back was vibrant and flying like the osprey. The air tingled with sparking excitement. The green and shade and sun and water and moss blending into a delight in the Earth, delight in being alive and delight in being human. I felt as alive and vibrant as I ever have in my whole life.

And for me, this isn't just about loving Gavain. Here's a poem i wrote that shows how loving Gavain is just a microcosm of loving the whole world (including you):

We sing our song of love to those around us
can they see?
we sing to them, too!
for our love is the love of the cell and the Universe,
every hair on your body
and the stars that created all the creatures on Earth.
We know what Rumi knows.
It's not so much a celebration to mark our merging
but acknowledgment of what IS.
The dance we perceive
in the space between us
is here with everyone.
Our senses thrown wide
we embrace the flow, the radiation
of this divine energy
comprised of no – thing (nothing)
comprised of us all.

I offer these words as a gift to you, a glimpse of one woman embracing the Divine. I hope they inspire and enliven you. From the words of Andrew Harvey in The Way of Passion, A Celebration of Rumi: "Language's function is to point to what can never be said in words, and what can never be 'had' conceptually, but can only be enjoyed by those who love enough, and those who have sacrificed enough to enter into it's field. The other use of language is when that experience is beginning to be stable in the heart, to be able to encourage, infuse, nourish and inspire it, so that the deepening of realization can go on and on."

That's enough for now, dear ones. My day has started again with a osprey call. I look forward to a day of fun in the sun at Lookout Point Reservoir with Gavain, Mariner and Kite. I hope life is singing sweetly through your days.

Namaste,
kaseja

ps if you havent seen our website, the URL is www.idproject.us

June 2007

hello everyone!

Things have actually been pretty hard for me, but in a fit of trust in the universe, i am finding a break in the clouds to write to you all and share my dreams and my vision. I am learning how to trust even when things can appear bleak: something that is a good thing to get skilled at! I'm grateful for my lessons and how they afford me to be even better at loving those around me.

Gavain and i have built a wonderful website (oh! do check it out at www.idproject.us) and are extending ourselves out into the world and the universe with our unique gifts and love. We are reaching out to everyone we know and a bunch of people we don't know, too, for people to inspire, and people to help us create a world of love and caring.

We read about this guy that wanted a house, so he started with a red paper clip and, during a series of exchanges, he traded up for a house. He did it in 14 trades in one year (find out more at oneredpaperclip.blogspot.com/200...ml). What is most interesting about Kyle MacDonald is not that he has a house for a paper clip, but that he set out for something he wanted and he connected people to the adventure of what is possible in the face of the unlikely. So much is possible for us, and when we love and help each other out a little, amazing things can happen.

Gavain and i are living the reality that there is so much more to this universe than what we can see with our eyes. We know that in each of us is a Divine essential being that not only deserves love and witnessing, but that by loving each other and seeing each other in our essential nature, we are literally creating our universe as it unfolds. The way to knowing this is so simple, even if it's not easy sometimes. Being aware of our bodies, our breath, the present moment are keys to realizing our truest dreams and visions.

So, in a moment, i'm going to share with you my vision, i hope it can inspire you. And i want you to join us by sending us $2. Yes, only $2 invites you into the adventure, and makes you a small part of the people's empowerment campaign (you can make this contribution with your credit card through our website or mail it to us at 81868 Lost Valley Lane, Dexter, OR 97431). We figure if we can get 100,000 people to send us $2 we can buy a small piece of property near Eugene where we can set up a community of chickens and goats hosting a garden and some humans to love each other and hold space for gatherings; where we can learn to love each other and the universe into being. This is an experiment and an adventure into the unknown that we can travel together. Right now we have $3. Only 99,997 to go. It's really not too much to ask. What do you dream about? What would you like to ask of the Universe?

We hope that you will join us on the adventure, even if you don't send us $2. Keep track of what we are doing by checking out our website!

I hope love is strong in your life and that you are realizing every day how your essential being is loved by the universe. Thank you for being here.

Love to you all.

kaseja


Our vision:
We affirm we will live in a family/community with 4 to 6 other people (mostly women) on enough land to allow for chickens, goats, fruit trees, gardens, a pond and spaciousness. Our vision includes a caring environment where we practice being transparent with each other, seeing past personality to our essential nature and dedication to understanding many different layers of reality including (but not limited to) the awareness that we are all one; that our lives are all congregating toward the same destination (which also could be called spirit or god or the universe or the light).

We also envision work that we love that is meaningful, creative and contributes deeply to the world and motivates us to contribute even more. We love working with people, doing what we can to inspire them to be in touch with their divine essential nature. We envision enough resources in our lives to do our work well and live simply. (You can see what kind of things we are offering by checking out our website.)

We will have a home that we invite others to for gatherings that promote our well being, our sense of connection to ourselves, each other and spirit and see how connected those three (seemingly separate) entities are. We see our community laughing, crying, singing, praying, making music, planning and doing projects together. We see intimate sharing of our dreams and visions, our resources and our physical space. We see our home being a vibrant place that welcomes guests and family. We see a space that Mariner and Kite love to be: where they are loved, celebrated and engaged.

We pray to spirit to call us to the places that will guide us toward this shared vision. We state by our names and spirit that we are worthy and capable of this vision and that if can start to happen this week and major parts of this vision will be in place by the end of 2008.