Back in the city

Hurry Hurry Hurry!!
Realizing that all of the fun things which previously I could take my time with everyday, are now things that require really intensive attention and planning in order to fit in at all.
I'm doing pretty well with it.
I'm working a ten to five desk job, on commision, which is a bit frustrating but I like the folx I work with.
I'm getting solid paid gigs spinning Poi, in ritual monthly, just got back from SHort mOuntain Santuary in TN, frolicking with the Faeries,
Teagan started a sacred singing circle was amazing and will recurr, amazing wymin & kids that showed up,
So many good things, bellydance classe w/ Sera Solstice & babysitting her li'l ione Sequoia.
Performiing this week in Dumbo, and probly @ the Fiigment plug on Guevenors Island, Night of a thousand Stevies, hosting the Marry Yourself Party @ the House of Collection on Sat. per Gabrielle of House of St. Eve;
Might go to Idapalooza (www.planetida.com) w/ Paige & Maybe Dean.
So much good stuff; & still there's more I wan tto be doing. I want to strech & write everydya & work on my penwork and collage and the small furniture and installment work I'm wanting to do; Meditate, visualize, have more ritual & spellwork in my day to day.
Aghhhh!!!
But life is good, just getting used to the fats pace & figuring out how to prioritize well.
I'm so in Love.
Everything will be exponentially better when Drew moves out, whatever we have to do to make it happen, and we're not hanging out in the same space as someione so extreemly passive agressive and entirly uncomunicative and uncaring about others needs in a space that's not his. This is the one major point of angst & anger in my life right now and it will be a relief when we manifest it's passing.
Why are people such assholes sometimes?
But I have faith and am trying to have patience and fortitudeinalnesslyism.
llalaleyleyley!!
Aiwa!
Ahnika

I have a cold but Life is Fucking Amazing

So,
I'm still being an oh-so-gypsy spirit.
But suddenly, and strangly more each consecutive day, in very specific ways, my proverbial shit is coming together.
Actually, I think I'll be able to afford and create whatever circumstances I want.
There's a little bit of time involved, lots of effort, but even more so lots of good feeling in order to manifest; and lots of quietude; meditative just being-in-the-momentness & breathing; and this last subset seems to be the most powerfull tool I've ever found; if I just get the F*ck out of the way, amazing things suddenly masnifest in my life.
So I'm loosing all my "anticapatory-callingness" to the possible harsh things, or things I "can't" do.
I'm not calling on things I don't want, I'm not stressing and worrying about them.
I realize I can do absolutly anything and the universe will conspire to make it happen if I just relax into the moment, pay attention to syncronicity and my breath, and make sure what I'm offering up to the World is yummy to me.
It will all find it's way in time.
No worrie's mate.
I'm done with doubt.
Yay.
I love all y'all gorgeous creatures out in tha World.
Give yerselves hugs like Your arms were everyone elses.
Word.
Ahnika D.

Portlandia-after-Sunnyvale

So.
I am in Portland.
Anyone in Portland who'd like to show me around?
I'd like to get involved in the Radical Queer, Genderqueer, Freak scene. Meet Eco-folx, Fearies, Witches, Budhists, pagans, Quakers and especially Sufis and Free Spiritualists. I want to find folx in the body movement scene. Bellydancers, capoiera (sp?), breakdancing, tai chi, Yoga, interpretive dance, creative exhibitionism, BDSM scene, and especially really grounded open light hearted FIRE DANCERS & MUSICIANS!!! Bluegrass to Hip-Hop, I want folx that can appreciate progressive fusion and true mutant freaks. Also those into the foods movement, sustainability, wildcrafting, urban gardening, primitivism, in this genre especailly HERBALISTS, NATUROPATHS, DOULAS & and any involved in MIDWIFERY!!
I want to make this stint in Portland to be one that creates a more wholistic balance in my life. I want to DO all of these things above with several circles of tight knit folx who are willing to be wholly themselves, and yet be able to not live from an egoistic place. Compassionate, patient folx with alot of Love; and with no interest in making it cheesy or unrealistic... no "It's all good" people. It's not all good, but it IS all of a piece, and I want to be a part of engagement with making it all of a PEACE, find the harmonies, the melody, the rhythm, the dance... and step up. Real actions grounded in the reality of our screwy society. Healers, Shamins, Meme-workers, Kitchen Witches. those fascinated by their own innocence and their own dirtiness. Magic.
Find me.
Blessed Be.

Author Unknown

Each one passed through a portal
& was transformed
Each on gave their quest a name,
& in the fires, nightly searched
Like the grasses we were nourished there
Like the trees, learning the winds dance
We sought our Earth-bound fruition,
rooted & reaching
drinking in the sweet rain.

Winnie The Pooh

Telltale marks of passions
& emotions that may have been,
but weren't, but maybe should have
been. Hypnotic eyes, that aren't
there. & then the voice that is.
Honest. Afraid to be Honest. Honest.
Brave.
Deep & Beautiful - feared to be shallow.
Deep & Beautiful. Why do I do this?
Am I doing this? What is "this"?
I think I am or believe I do when
I'm not or I don't. Am I? Do I?
What is this that I do to myself?
Or do you do it to me?
Too man questions asked.
Patience.
Ahnika, December 1998

Akasha

I wrote this in '96 and this'll be the first time I've ever shared it (or any of my poetry) publicly.
Of late I'm wanting to get back into songwriting and I figured getting back in touch with my own roots in poetry is a good start.
Lemme know whatchya think, all critique and commentary and questionsa nd ambivalence and excitement is oh so welcome.


Akasha


With their faces of molten gold
And their toungues are as quicksilver
Their voices ring clear
But falling, no one hears them
Their bodies are as grains of salt
Pouring from the chalice in my hands
Killing, Dying, Living, Killing, over & over
And silently, futily, I scream for my hands to stop
But I have no face - Gold
I have no voice - Quicksilver
I say to those around me
"Look! I have no hands!!!" and they respond
"What are hands?"
Swimming in futility
Finnally I find purchase
The only real thing to me.
Myself, my magick, & hence my Love, My Spirituality
My Love spreads giving personal purchase & stability to
those around me, it returns threefold
My spirituality contrasts negativly to those around me
They think that because I am unknown, I am to be feared
And because I am feared, I am to be Evil
And because I am Evil, i am to be hated

And I lose myself, my love
My love loses purchase because of hate
The hate built on love falls
They plunge themselves into darkness
They see wisdom, speak out with their voices of quicksilver
But falling, no one hears them
Their faces gone
They are but grains of salt in an endless sea
And I, I am alone



Ahnika, 1996


So ya. It's dark... I've never been one to overly interpret my own work... but this had alot to do with alot of
identity & relational stuff in my life @ the time, gender, dexuality, spirituality, wanting to inspire and change the world living in mainstrem mid ninties suburbia and hillbilly nowhere... I'd love some feedback other than "Great!" or "I liked it"... looking for insight and substance really.. but whatever. i was feeling a bit down and wanted to branch out to come out of it.
Thanx for taking the time.
Lovlovelove,
Ahnika

We move who we are

We move who we are in the words we use and the way we listen and speak, our hypocrisy and our truth vary in their degree and really it all comes down to the progression of what we DO. Our actions define us, and tho' it is an action to speak, speech is no real promise of action. I move thru' one phase of words to another,.... I don't claim anything in particular, I'm just saying that words and manners change, actions change... they're not always in synch... and I'm getting mine more so... little tiny electron at a time. I breath more... I know my breath more. I smile alot. I think about the lessons offered by the mistakes I've made, and I am more so attending, inside, to the hurt that has caused to others... and how to keep it from happening again... to create joy rather than pain and do it by actually DOING what I see needs to be done... without having to talk about it at all... and to be happy just to be present to the doing of it...
I just want You to have fun and be inspired... whatever that means to You. I just want to have fun and be inspired. Have fun with responsibility or commitment or continuity or my mood for the day and let that be an inspiration... to myself that I can do it, to You that it can be done, to You that You can do it. You can do anything. I can do anything.
Not an easy thing to convince oneself of.
Don't take wordseses at face value.. and don't read too much between them... try to feel good and help everybody else do the same and I mean everybody, everything alive, everything that exists, just don't deny the potential for good out of any experience... I want You to know You are loved. And I am doing my best to feel that for You always... to be awake and aware to it.
This pikiticture is who I was mostly for a minute in wordseses and pikitictures, and I've grown alot since then and gone thru' yucky dark places full of anger and fear along with the gorgeous shining bright ones full of love and joy, I guess the combination makes me who my actions are and hence for sometimes I'm Delirium, Ahnika too, and maybe I'll talk about it in this weird blog world context... I feel lost and I feel empowered and I feel loss and I feel joy, and the balance of it is good...dancey, like so much good multi-genre music on shuffle, sadness and celebration all at once, beginings and endings, life and death, sometimes it's chaotic, but it levels out more and more, and I feel good and happy more and more, there's a syncronicity to it, and we all; You, have something to do with it...
do You feel it?
I feel cheese. But usually waaayy too much whine... just do yer best and I'll do the same.... like fucking smile.... Right now.. just a little one...You don't have to have a reason, just giggle damn it!!! Do it!! I Love You!!
tee hee hee hee hee ::smirksparkleblushgrrkatchoopoof::
Ahnika Deliriummmmm ummm... ya. bye. er... ??...hmmm...