My Blog

what do I think? I dunno. I'm leaving it alone this time..

ajina — Wed, 23 Jan 2008 08:20:15 GMT

So the girl was here tonight, and we were getting along great, we made dinner, made out, "made love" (really.. i swear I only used that particular euphamism because I wanted to keep the chain of made ---- going...) she left really early, for her, usually we'd stay and hang out until like 6am.. but she has class in the morning, and she was staying over at a friend's tonight. So I miss her, but no biggie. Then in the last twenty minutes or so, she gets really quiet, doesn't smile when I look at her, or kiss her, and when we say goodnight at the door, she doesn't happily throw her arms around my neck like she had been all night.. I say "love you" and get back a really sort of disinterested kind of 'eh, love you'.. And now, reading too much into this sort of thing is what has gotten me into trouble with this girl in the past. So... I'm just gonna ignore it, assume everything's okay, because it probably is, y'know? and go on with things. Just kinda.. i dunno.. stings? Is that the right word? I just don't get her sometimes. And I know... all the blog posts I'm likely to post here in the next week or two while we're still in the aftermath of this fight that just happened.. It's going to sound like I'm never having any fun with this girl and I'm just miserable. Which is not true. I just don't need to get out the tiny nagging doubts of 99% good times. Just need to get rid of the 0.1% thoughts that need to get out and go away. so please, anyone besides Cynthia, and Cynthia too, who is reading these, don't think I'm not happy being with her. I really am. It's just kinda.. weird right now at times, and I have no idea how to interpret it all. And Cynthia.. you had better get better or... or I dunno.. I'll have to like, bring you tea or something? ...that was supposed to be a threat to scare your germs into submission. ..did it work? ..how about now?

emo here wego

ajina — Wed, 23 Jan 2008 01:35:02 GMT

So... because I can't use my other blogs the way I like to use my blogs.. they're my venting place.. there where I write things and spew things into the universe that I might not actually mean, but am feeling in the moment.. you know what I mean.. like the letter you write when you're really angry, never intend to send, but just need to get something off your chest real fast and then you're fine? But you need to put it somewhere physical, somewhere in the universe? Well I use my blogs that way.. but mostly lately I'll need to rant about some people in particular.. mostly the girl.. and I just need somewhere to vent a thing or two now and again, you know what I mean? Well she reads the other blog, so I can't do it there. She doesn't, however, even know that tribe.net exists. So here I am. When I said to you that I don't want to hear about it.. I meant it. I don't know why you thought I was trying to be funny at that particular time, or why you thought it was okay to just keep going, no matter how many times I told you to stop. I don't want to hear yet about all your sexual escapades, okay? I'm not secure enough in this relationship at this point to hear about all the guys you've fucked randomly, or professors at your school you've slept with to get a better grade. It makes me feel inadequate, it makes me feel like less of a man, less of the person I am, less of the person I feel I should be to you.. It makes me feel like I'll never be enough for you, that you'll never be satisfied with only me. It makes me feel like being together is less important, less special, less unique than it actually is. So you know what? When I said, "please, let's not talk about this..." I meant it.

another one?

ajina — Sat, 25 Nov 2006 12:51:50 GMT

seems like I haven't posted anything relevant in a while, eh? Well I'm all out of drugs, so if you want to get some deep thoughts out of me....send whiskey. LAYER ONE: Spell your name with bands/artists A nsel Adams J ustin Timberlake (that was for you curtis) I solde N orman McLaren A JINA!! LAYER TWO: -- Name: Ajina -- Birth date: November 2, 1983 -- Nickname: aji... ajjjjhhh.. sexy. (okay I made that last one up) -- Current Location: my room -- Eye Color: brownish -- Hair Color: red. -- Righty or Lefty: Right you are, chap -- Zodiac Sign: scorpio, taurus, taurus LAYER THREE: -- The shoes you wore today: my sketchers. Love my sketchers. Wonder if they'll work on my bike? -- Your weaknesses: pretty girls and cupcakes. OH! and pretty girls WITH cupcakes. -- Your fears: being alone.. being really truly alone. -- Your perfect pizza: the one in my tummy. yum. -- Goal you'd like to achieve: travel in a show LAYER FOUR: -- Your best physical feature: i like the way my chest/abs are buffing up lately... -- Your bedtime: much later than it should be. dont believe me? look at the time this was posted. -- Most missed memory: all of them. I have a HORRIBLE memory. LAYER FIVE: -- Pepsi or Coke: neither. both root beer and i'm trying to cut back on the soda intake as of late. -- McDonald's or Burger King: burger king... but I'm trying to cut back on the fast food intake as of late. This comes from when Curtis saw me licking the inside of a microwave popcarn bag trying to get all the salt and butter out....and mentioning I miiiiight want to think about changing my diet. -- Adidas or Nike: sketchers. -- Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: lipton. oooo, remember those commercials for lipton brisk iced tea with the claymation frank sinatra? haha. -- Chocolate or Vanilla: vanilla. I try to stay away from being whitebread, but here I fail...miserably. -- Cappuccino or coffee: neither. LAYER SIX: -- Smoke: hehh... heh. dude... why are you all wet? -- Curse: fuckin' a. -- Sing: and make people cry too. -- Take a shower everyday: usually... even if it isnt until 3am. -- Do you think you've been in love?: thought so at the time. doubt it now. -- Want to go to college: i am. i hate it. i hated it before too. I think I might get kicked out of school soon. --like high school: not for a goddamned second. -- Want to get married: meh. -- Get motion sickness: only when i'm tripping. my acrobatic stunts wouldn't be as cool if I had to go throw up after I did them. Just ask Martin, and that was just after telling a story. -- Think you're attractive: sometimes. not usually. lately...a little more often than not. -- Think you're a health freak: hahahahahahahaha. see the above answer about licking the goddamned inside of a microwave popcorn bag to get to the last bits of butter and salt and revisit this question. -- Get along with your parents: as long as I'm allowed to lie. a lot.....a lot. -- Play an instrument: banjo. LAYER SEVEN: In the past month.. -- Drank alcohol: yup. -- Smoked: hhuh. huh huhh. -- Done a drug: no, ossifer, I swear........ -- Gone to the mall: how drunk do you think I am? (that one was for you again Curtis..damnit, I need more people to have inside jokes with) -- Kissed someone: in the past month? ......no. ...oh wait! there was stalker girl. so yes. -- Eaten an entire box of Oreos: hah. mint ones, my first year out on the playa. -- Eaten Sushi: nope. -- Been on stage: not this month -- been dumped: nuh uh. -- Gone skating: im terfified of ice skating. (there, an inside joke for oscar. I am redeemed.) -- Made homemade cookies: nope. wait, elliot, why were you in texas? -- Gone Skinny dipping: nope. I was taught shame at a very early age. -- Stolen anything: ..not that I remember, but I have a horrible memory. I have broken laws though. That I know for sure. LAYER EIGHT: Ever... -- Played a game that required removal of clothing: wow.... y'know.. except for that one time in class with Ronlin... I dont think so. if so, was it mixed company: do clowns count? -- Been called a tease: HA! no. wait... yes. -- Been beaten up: not unless you count emotionally -- Shoplifted: yessir, and I got away with it, too! LAYER NINE: -- Age you hope to be married: meh. -- Numbers of Children: I used to think I didn't want any kids at all, ever. But lately I've thought... yeah. maybe someday. -- Describe your Dream Wedding: directed by Danielle Finzi Pasca and starring myself and my hot burner/aerialist/contortionist wife. -- What country would you most like to visit?: Michigan? oh.. japan. no wait, Michigan is a country, right? LAYER TEN: In the opposite sex.. or attracting.. -- Best eye color?: green or blue --best hair color: No strong preference, but I looove straight, black hair -- Short hair or long hair?: either or. preferrably attached to a girls head. via the scalp. -- Height: short. between 4'10" and 5'3" -- Best weight: i dunno..never put a number to it. "no fat chicks" to quote the vernacular and be extremely crude and disrespectful at the same time..for which I apologize. -- Best articles of clothing: ones with quick releases LAYER ELEVEN: -- Number of people I could trust with my life: there are a few.. more'n I would've thought. --number of CDs that I own: most of my CDs got damaged when I still had my car. its all digital now, baby. Number of tattoos: two. still need color on that first one though, damnit.

happy thanksgiving everybody.

ajina — Fri, 24 Nov 2006 07:03:12 GMT

So I didn't really have anywhere to go this Thanksgiving, to be with people. All of my current roommates went home, and I was left in the city to fend for myself. Joan Mankin steps in a couple weeks ago and asks the second years if we have anything to do for thanksgiving, and I say... "why no... no i don't." Taa daa! Problem solved. Displaced Clown gets place to go to for Thanksgiving. Huzzah! Two really good things came out of this dinner, besides just it being fun and enjoying a holiday with people instead of with reruns of ER. First, Joel Schecter was there, and when Joan and I started describing the show that the second years are working on, Joel mentions the Exploratorium, and Joan and my eyes lit up.......why not try and contact the Exploratorium and try to make it a resident show there? So tomorrow I'm going to give the artistic coordinator at the Exploratorium a call to see if we can set up a meeting with Joan and I to go and talk to them about the possibility. Second... I met, and actually talked to no less, a really cute Swiss girl. We sort of gravitated towards eachother as the night went on, and I swear she was making eyes at me during dinner. We danced, I taught her how to go some raver tricks, like waves.. and we even hid under the table for a while near the end of the night. She gave me a ride home, and wants to come to the clown show in December, I'm going to give her a call soon though and see if she wants to go out before then. I'm happy.. not only that I met someone really cool, but that I actually had the nerve to talk to her. ^_^

Days go by and still I think of you...Days when I couldn't live my life without you...

ajina — Sun, 19 Nov 2006 08:01:59 GMT

Two things as of late have been sort of bothering me..nothing horrendous, but kinda weighing on me, and although I can't really do much about either, and in one case shouldn't be upset about it...i dunno. whatever. Both of these things have something to do with people who either are or have been close to me, and there's a good chance they'll both read this post. One is about 80% sure he will, the other.. not as much. TimTV is apparently going through some darker headspaces lately. I don't know much about it all, seeing as I havent really talked to him in two years. I'm not about to go into any sort of details, its not my place, but I'm sort of worried about him. Part of me wants to go after him and see if I can talk to him about it, and maybe help, because he was an important person and friend in my life at one point, but the majority of me just...pretty much has no respect for him anymore and wants to get the hell away. We havent really spoken all that much since I moved away. I think we emailed a couple times for a week or two right when I moved, but other than that, there has been almost no communication, and we've been in the flesh for two christmasses, two burns, and a DEMF even. I have my theories, and I'm going to write them all out here. I'm sorry if this might rub anyone the wrong way, but this blog is sort of my venting and thinking things through place. That's why I'm so whiny here. I'm not really this depressed and whiny in real life, this place is just where I put my head back together. TimTV wears a mask. He doesnt show himself to anyone, and I dont know if there is anyone in the last few years to maybe a decade or more that has actually seen the real him, except for the few people he's kept around that knew him from before. He doesnt let anyone close. He doesnt want friends or equals, he wants worshippers. That's why he dates "women" (sorry for that but its true, you know...) who are so much younger than him. He's not going to find anyone his age that wants to just be a worshipper, they're not going to sit through all that bullshit, and he can get away with it with girls who look at him like he's fifty feet tall, and when they get past that and want to be equals or on even footing and realize they cant, it falls apart. This is how I see it anyway. So here I am, a good little TimTV worshipper...the best even. I spent so many years trying to be TimTV Lite, and then trying not to be TimTV lite, while still wanting to be what he is...worshipped. A little before I moved away, and especially after that, I started to find my own identity, I didnt need to lean on him as an idol. He wasn't my sole role model anymore, if all that much at all. I started to carve my own uncarved block, and another thing happened, I fell in love with voulnerability. Clowns are coulnerable. I think I've talked about this before. Clowns are the part of yourself that you hide most from the world, and then you blow it up onstage until its a hundreed feet wide, and people laugh AT you. You begin to seek out being exposed, you begin to trust and love that part of you that is your hidden and deeper self, the real you, this part that if you could get rid of it you would, and yet...you'd be dead inside if you did. I fell in love with that and I changed so much. I embraced those parts of me, and I saw that people who dont let anyone close, who never expose their true hearts, are empty..and part of me doesnt want to have anything to do with them. I feel that's what TimTV has done.. he's basically told me as such in the past...but I never caught on to what he was saying the way I do now. At the time, I thought it was something I wanted to be too..and most of the teachers at clown school spent ten months trying to get me to realize that it was a bad thing. Tim killed a part of himself a long time ago. He covered and buried the embarrasing, humble and truthful parts of his nature, covered it in Ziggy brand stardust and sought to become this wonderful person, that he really is...but he left a valuable part behind...in an attempt to become the permanent center of attention, the permanent poet and tourguide. But he lost the ability to have friends and equals and ....maybe even love. I went out and started my own life, he said...that's why we lost touch.. but really.....I stopped worshipping him, so he doesnt have a need or desire for me anymore. Number Two. Curtis has found a wonderful connection to someone from the Detroit Burner community. They met at Burningman. They're getting along so well, and I love them both...but right now.. I feel like he has a stronger connection to Detroit than I do. Detroit, and the Carnies are so much a part of my identity, so much a part of my heart and soul that they'll never know.. and yet, here's someone from Detroit who's calling him every night, and he's planning to go out there, to my home, to hang out with my family, and then I'll be left here all alone.... I haven't found a community out here. The only real community and family I will ever have (family here means you guys, the Carnies, of course) is in Michigan, and right now, he's more a part of them than I am. He's stealing away my identity and a piece of my soul and I lay awake at night because of it. I'm almost crying right now because of it. Was I ever really a part of that group? Or was I just a fun young anomaly to play with... where are my emails and calls to come home? I see them all once a year.. and then the connections vanish so quickly.. Every now and then, one of them will come out here, but they sometimes dont even try to get a hold of me.. I just dont know if I really have as much of a connection with that group of people as I think I do.. is it all just a drug-filled bond formed in the fires of a magical place that has no real bearing on reality? So lets just say I'm in the middle of an existential quandry. Someone else has become more a part of my home, of my very living being than I ever have been. Can I even truly form real lasting relationships with people? Are people even really my friends? I've sent emails to a lot of those people, my "more family than family" and only rarely do I ever get a reply..am I that insignificant that I only have a connection the few weeks before during and after Burningman? This place and these people that I've worked so ahrd because of...I really cannot tell you how much they mean to me.. I'm doing everything I'm doing because I'm spurred on by their passion and their love...and yet here I am... alone... and someone else is more a Carney than I... I'm going to lose, I'm losing my promise to the temple right now.. I said something that isn't going to happen, a goal and dream that's being taken away... and it's eating away at me... .. Sometimes I just want to give up and go home because I know that, in the long run, I'm not kidding anyone. I'm going to fail, I'm going to fail miserably.. my only real goal is that I wont drag anyone down with me when I do.