My toilet blew up.

lt did. l came home one day and my bathroom floor and bathtub were both covered in shit. Pun intended. Now l am looking at new carpet - it's been seven years l've been there, and it's about time - but l have no idea how long it will take to realistically clean up my shit. l'm a packrat. This ain't no cleanup job. lt's cleanup and cut DOWN, yo! lt's the latter l'm worried about. l haven't sized down since l moved in. Would it be easier for me to just put that shit in a bag or box and deal with it later? Sure! Sadly, l don't have the space to put up with all that. l have to cut down. This is good. lt's just gone take a minute.

Mortality blows.

So some of you probably know l have hydrocephalus. lt was congenital, but for some reason the doctors reversed their originally correct diagnosis shortly after l was born, so l didn't find out until l was twenty five that l actually *did* in fact have hydrocephalus. Because there were 25 years of fluid buildup, my brain compensated for the growing lack of space, and is now actually supported by the fluid. While it's still possible, a shunt has been discouraged since they tend to malfunction regularly and overdrainage of the fluid in my brain could lead to much worse problems than what l'm having now...blood clots and such.

But for the first time in 32 years, l AM now having problems. l've had ongoing urinary incontinence, my migraines have increased in both intensity and frequency (from maybe two-three times a month to two-three times a week, sometimes for days at a time), l've had unexplained nausea and vomiting, and l'm starting to suspect that l'm having some memory loss. l've been drinking far less in the last year than l ever have, so l don't think it's the drinking, but l'm going to cut back to one or two a week to see if it makes a difference, but l'm not sure. l had a conversation with someone the other morning (as in, absolutely sober, on the way to work) that l don't recall having. l've lost whole pieces of conversations that l had days ago. And l'm having some balance issues here and there. The memory thing is tricky. l've always had a really good short term memory. My long term memory was never all that great, and l often remembered details wrong. l never remembered movie clips/phrases or books; this was often a blessing and a curse. l just took this as normal. But when l can't remember what l had for dinner three days ago, or that l saw someone on the street, it's worrisome. Apparently l had a conversation with my friend about one of her siblings a month ago, and l don't remember a shred of it. The only thing l remember is her saying l should marry him. l've been wracking my brain for two days about it.

So l made a neuro appt. My neurologist told me that it didn't seem like the fluid had increased since the last brain scan and the most recent one, but that sometimes the buildup is so slow that it's hard to tell by the naked eye that it's increased, even if it has, and even if that miniscule extra amount is enough to make a difference in physical or mental function. She says that since l'm clearly now exhibiting problems that are tied into the hydro, so we set up an appt with a neurosurgeon. He did some tests, said l was clearly having some coordination issues (l failed two or three of them, or at least wasn't able to do them properly, which was humiliating), and has ordered an eye exam to determine pressure, and a spinal tap. l'm absolutely terrified about the latter. l don't know why; maybe just because l've heard and read some horror stories about the pain. Side effects be damned, l'm scared about the pain. They better put me under, that's all l have to say. Depending on those results, we'll decide if l need surgery. This isn't fun anymore, and frankly, the only good thing to come of this so far is that it's helped me get some necessary priorities straight.

That's the *only* good thing. Did l mention that l've been discouraged from having children because it's likely this is genetic (since my brother has similar neuro issues) and that adoption isn't encouraged either in the case that l get worse and am drooling and talking to walls in a decade? l wasn't sure if l wanted kids up until this point. But l really fucking liked having the option.

l want to curl up and die.

lt is my birthday tomorrow.

l am so ambivalent l am ambivalent about being ambivalent.

On a more seriously fucking sobering note....me and my family need all the energy you can spare

Just came in from fireworks, which were incredible, to find an email from my dad in my mailbox. lt's mid-morning there, and was hoping to hear from him on the New Year, also in large part because there is rioting in Kenya over the latest elections, and l wanted to know if he was alright.
Here is his response.

"Yes, things are very tense and unsettled here. Lots of rioting, roughly 125 dead, but almost all of it is in the downtown areas of cities and the slum areas (mostly Nairobi, Kisumu, and Mombasa). Kibaki literally stole the election from Raila Odinga (rigging, very obvious rigging) and people are really pissed. Odinga has called on his supporters to do a peaceful protest rally on Thursday, 3rd, and says he expects a million people to show up. He might be right. I suspect the unrest is going to continue until one way or another Kibaki is forced to step down. I just don't see people giving in to his theft of the election. So we might be in for several months of unrest. Hopefully it won't take that long, but who knows?

Meanwhile it's bad. Angelina, my house help, had her house in Kawangware burned down and lost everything but one bed and a few clothes. Fanice, Cathy's <dad's ex> house help, also had her house in Kawangware burned down. Josephine almost had her's burned too but the police showed up just in time and prevented it happening. But she was really scared. In the midst of it, she sent me a text saying houses were burning and her's would probably be burned and she didn't know if they would survive. When I finally managed to get through to her on the phone, she said the police had arrived just in time and they were all OK (Angelina and Fanice too). I finally decided to go out today (without Aidan <that's my little brother>) to try to help Victor find food for him and Vincent and to try to find some phone scratch cards so Josephine would have some credit to be able to call if she needed help (or if Angelina or Fanice did). Everything was shut down tight. At Yaya <the local mall>, the guards there weren't even letting people into the parking areas. On Ngong Road near the Nakumatt closest to Yaya, there were smoking embers of a burned barricade in the middle of the road and a couple of military men standing by. I finally left Victor at Adams Arcade and he managed to find some food and, later, some phone cards. But people are really worried. They know people won't let Kibaki stay but don't know what the country is going to have to go through in order to get him out. And unfortunately it's turned into a tribal thing and a lot of the fighting, attacking, and burning of houses and businesses is Kikuyus (Kibaki) attacking Luos (Odinga) or vice versa. It's the most open and virulent tribal strife since Kenya got independence, and that obviously also has people worried. There's a real chance it could turn into open warfare, especially in the western areas, but hopefully it won't come to that. But it could leave wounds that make tribalism a major issue for years to come and that would really be a tragedy."

As you can tell, not only is the place l consider my homeland falling apart, the two men l love most (and some of my dearest childhood friends) are smack in the middle of it, and before it's even gotten to the REALLY ugly part, they're already having trouble finding food. For those of you who ever wondered what real anarchy might be like, or who are anarchists yourselves but have yet to really experience it, here you go. Nairobi has the highest urban population in East Africa, with an estimated population of between 3 and 4 million (according to the 1999 Census, 2,143,254 inhabitants in the administrative area of Nairobi lived within 684 square kilometers). This could literally halt the economy, and force a significant percentage of that very large population into starvation pretty much overnight. Imagine what kind of chaos that creates. And what happens if an initially peaceful protest of a MILLION people goes awry? l was literally and physically right in the very middle of the riots that followed the death of Robert Ouko at twelve or fourteen, and THAT mob was probably only a couple of hundred people, but l can tell you l've never been so scared in my life. Maybe THIS is what the American people are afraid of when it comes to rebelling against a president for whom they did not vote. l can't say l really blame them at this very moment.

Meanwhile, my father is risking his life to feed his son with food that seems to be fast running scarce.

On top of all this, l was informed that my dad's ex said she was buying a house in Sydney and may try and take my brother back to Sydney with her, in which case he and l may never see him again. Her contract in Nairobi isn't up for two years - and the divorce isn't even final - but there's nothing stopping her from booking a ticket and flying my brother out on one of the nights or weekends that he's at her place. The chances of that happening just increased 20-50% now that the city is so unsafe.

My New Year has suddenly become far more than a bad sunburn and a day at the beach. Now l have this: www.cnn.com/video/#/vide...tion.wrap.itn

Terrified Ali

What a vacation....the condensed version...

l went to the beach.

lt was awesome. Met new in-laws, welcomed young new life, met more family friends, and got to know them all better than l had the last time l'd seen them, or at least from the moment we met.

lt rained every day but two. Yesterday was one of them. It was our last day at the beach, and l was really pissed about that since l wanted to go out and dance with the young generation and have a New Year blowout, but my flight leaves tomorrow morning, and it wasn't possible.

Turns out dancing wouldn't be possible anyway. Yesterday being one of the sunny days, l went out, walked four miles around the beach, and forgot to apply a second layer of lotion to my legs. l am now swollen to twice my size, and one would wonder if l was pregnant by the looks of my ankles. My man suggested they might be second degree burns, and l'm thinking he may be right. l walk kind of like a duck so my legs don't rub together and chafe any more than necessary, and my ankles are so stiff and tight that they won't move properly, which means that even if l WAS still at the beach, there'd be nooooo dancin for the Ali, not a chance.

So we went out to a lovely french dinner. My mother dressed me up in her clothes, and l never thought l'd say this, but l looked smashing. l asked her if she was dressing me up for the fun of it, or if she didn't think what l brought would look good enough. She said a little of both. l was slightly offended, but l think she thought l was going to wear my bathing suit coverup, since she hadn't seen the outfit l packed. lt was cute and amusingly honest nonetheless, but as l said, l looked damn good, so hey, who gets to play such fun dressup with their moms at 31?? :)

So the family's all gone to bed, and l'm sitting here, about to finish this blog, as it's going to be New Year's in Costa Rica in about 8 minutes. l will walk out on my mom's patio, which overlooks the entire city of San Jose, finish my celebratory drink, have a cigarettte, watch the fireworks, count my blessings and reflect upon the year past and the one to come, smoke a joint, and go to bed, a pleasantly buzzed, extremely itchy, slightly injured but very contented lobster.
Happy New Year, yáll. (apparently costa rican style, since my mom's computer is possessed by some spanish program that wants to add accents to all of my shit)
May you find much love and new blessings.
Ali-cat

Costaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrriiiiivaaaaa!

l leave for Costa Rica in two days. Off to see my mother, and the Texan side of the family, who's also flying down, and whom l haven't seen in something like five or six years...maybe seven....ack. Anyway, it'll be really kickass to see them.

My grandmother will also be flying down. She's now 91. She's always looked two decades younger than she was, and has always been spry. l think this will be the first time l see her at her own age. l'm not sure how l feel about that. l've honestly never liked her much. l liked her a lot more when my grandfather was still alive. He was her raison d'etre, and l think after his death, the world became a very ugly place for her. She didn't feel like she belonged amongst all this technology, this rap stuff, this world that had changed so much since she was a child. And when my grandad died, l think the world took from her the only human being who ever understood her. Since then, she has just been generally disapproving of everything, and my mom catches the most hell for that. She just can't seem to do anything right in her mother's eyes, and l wonder if that's why my mother has been so very patient with me through all my stupid bullshit - even times when l probably would have benefited more from a kick in the ass than a loving, accommodating response. l can't imagine how painful it must be to grow up with a parent who never quite appreciates you...no matter how admirable and mature you prove yourself to be.

But l had my moments with the grandmother too. After my mom and l moved back from Kenya, we stayed with my grandmother for a few months. lt was shortly after my grandad's passing, so we helped her pack up his stuff, and l think she needed the company. But she made my life miserable. lt didn't help l was seventeen and adjusting to some major changes of my own, but l discovered during this time, for the first time, that she was racist. My best friend's boyfriend was Mexican, and one day when they picked me up, my grandmother made some comment about how he didn't belong in that neighborhood. They picked me up a block away after that. l realize now that l should have had the presence of mind to remember she was in mourning and l should have been more considerate.

l realize now that she just feels LOST. She doesn't know how to navigate this world that moves so fast, and she has nobody to compare this growth with. And l realize that because l never had much in common with her, l never actually TALKED to her, and l certainly didn't listen. l never asked her how she felt about the life she lived and what she'd seen, or the life lessons she felt she'd been given. To me, she was just some woman born almost a century ago, restricted by misogyny, war, and financial depression, in small town Waco, whose major excitements in life seemed to pretty much be bake sales and church. But does that mean her life wasn't rich in some ways?

l've decided l intend to find out. l wrote her a letter this year, apologizing for my general aloofness and disinterest. l pretty much let it all hang out, and owned my lack of compassion. lt was a difficult, humbling letter to write. But l think she understood, and l know she appreciated it. This year l am giving her a notebook in which l hope and will encourage her to write about the stories and moments in her life that shaped her, changed her, surprised her, and pleased her. l hope that it's not too late to get to know her. And l think this is my goal for this trip.





That and the beach. :)
Happy holidays, kids.
xoxoxoxoxoxo
Ali-cat

We really do love this shit

Who was the last person to call you baby?

The guy l'm hangin with. But l call him baby too, so we're even.

2. When shopping at the grocery store, do you return your cart?

(jacked from Web)
I have to, it won't fit in the trunk.

3. If you had to kiss the last person you kissed, would you?

Gimme a reason not to and l'll give you three why l should.

4. Has someone ever sang a song to you?

DUDE!!! NEVER EVER! Where's John Cusack when you need him. Oh wait, he didn't sing. Well, nobody ever rocked a Peter Gabriel song ala boombox under my bedroom window either.

5. Do you play Sudoku?

l'm a smart chick. Therefore, l have a number of better ways to spend my time and intellect.

6. If abandoned alone in the wilderness would you survive?

Oh hell yeah. l might be grumpy tho.

7. If your house was on fire, what would be the first thing you would do?

Me, my cat, my art, my writing, and first but mentioned last, the two memoir books my mother made me.

8. Who was the last person you shared a bed with?

The sweetheart l'm hangin with. We don't get to share a bed as often as l'd like, but he says he'd never get to work on time, and he's right. lt's a weird mixed compliment.

9. Who do you text the most?

Brooke, usually. Lately upstaged by the guy l'm hangin with.

10. Who last said they loved you?

My boy Mike. l love him so much. He's my best guy friend.

11. What color are your eyes?

Gray and green.

12. How tall are you?

5'5" and a half. The half counts. l used to be five six until l had a compression fracture and lost half, swingin on some rope swing in a graveyard and falling off when l was eighteen. l called my mom from the hospital and she told me to take two aspirin and come home. She figured out later it was actually for real.

13. Do you like your parents?

Oh gods yes. They are the most engaging, interesting, astute people l could ever hope to know. l have 'mom' and 'dad' tattooed on my feet. l told em they were the only tattoos they could never bitch about. l have a sneaky feeling they're flattered.

14. Do you secretly like someone?

lf l like someone it's never a secret. THEY may not realize it, but that's not cuz l haven't been giving them clues. Big ones.

15. Why did your last relationship end?

Long distance. Health issues. Too hard.

16. Who was the last person you said you loved on the phone?

Mom.

17. Favorite ex-Beatle?

(jacked from Web) are there any *current* Beatles?

18. Where was the furthest place you traveled?

Probably Australia. Then Kenya, Belgium and Malaysia.

19. Do you like mustard?

Hot and spicy baby.

20. Do you prefer to sleep or eat?

Sleep. l have the BEST DREAMS.

21. Do you look like your mom or dad?

l looked like my dad for a long time - strong fucking genes - but my smile is what makes me resemble my mom now. We hate that our smiles are so gummy, but we have great ones.

22. How long does it take you in the shower?

Generally about fifteen minutes. Unless l'm shaving.

23. Can you do splits?

Yeah. But it hurts when l do it now. And you better be promising me gifts to do it.

24. What movie do you want to see right now?

The final conclusion to the Resident Evil series. And Knocked Up.

25. What did you do for New Year's Eve?

Sat on my ass and drank beer alone. What can l say, it just wasn't that big a deal.

26. Do you think The Grudge was crappy?

l loved it. Scared the shit out of me, great acting on the part of the non-American actors. But l love Michelle Gellar, l have a thing for Buffy.

27. Was your mom a cheerleader?

Yes. Head cheerleader. Turned bohemian world traveler. From Waco, no less.

28. What's the last letter of your middle name?

T. Albright.

29. How many hours of sleep do you get a night?

That all depends on whether or not l'm getting laid.

30. Do you like care bears?

What am l, five?

31. What do you buy at the Movies?

Um..... movies?

32. Do you know how to play poker?

Oddly l seem to be a natural, which is weird when my entire strategy is to bluff when l'm down and pretend to be low when l'm high. But it works. Which is good when my step-family does nothing but drink and play poker.

33. Do you wear your seatbelt?

Hell yeah, dude. The idea of breaking a windshield with my head isn't fun.

34. What do you wear to sleep?

Um, nothing?

35. Anything big ever happen in your town?

Depends on which town. The whole Davidian standoff in Waco happened on my birthday. Nairobi's embassy got bombed. The Olympics in Atlanta was bombed. Pick a town. l've seen some weird shit.

36. Is your hair straight or curly?

Currrrrrly.

37. Is your tongue pierced?

Used to be. Went to jail, they made me take the jewelry out, and it was closed up when l got out.

38. Do you like Liver and Onions?

l try to. But it never happens. l like the onions.

39. Do you like funny or serious people better?

Both. No comparison.

40. Ever been to L.A.?

For like a day or two. lt blew.

41. Who or what is on your mind right now?

Well, duh. Sex.

42. Any plans for tonight?

l'm answering this survey. And drinking beer amongst a shitload of hot men l don't want.

43. What's your favorite song at the moment?

Dunno.

44. Do you hate chocolate?

(jacked from Web)
Wtf? Who "hates" chocolate?!

45. Are you in college?

Neh.

46. Do you need a boyfriend/girlfriend to be happy?

lf l did, we wouldn't be all that healthy now, would we.

47. If you could have any job what would it be?

Hip hop dancer or choreographer.

48. Are you easy to get along with?

(jacked from Web)
Unless you piss me off.

49. What is your favorite time of day?

Beer o'clock.

50. Are you a generally happy person?

Yeah. l dig life. And me.

On the back of the bathroom door of my favorite doggie hangout

Some of you may have seen this already....

The 86 Rules of Drinking

1. If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar. Preferably during happy hour.

2. Always toast before doing a shot.

3. Whoever buys the shot gets the first chance to offer a toast.

4. Change your toast at least once a month.

5. Buying someone a drink is five times better than a handshake.

6. Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb.

7. Never borrow more than one cigarette from the same person in one night.

8. When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and two-part cocktails.

9. Get the bartender's attention with eye contact and a smile.

10. Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink.

11. Unacceptable things to say after doing a shot: Great, now I’m going to get drunk. I hate shots. It’s coming back up.

12. Never, ever tell a bartender he made your drink too strong.

13. If he makes it too weak, order a double next time. He'll get the message.

14. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you.

15. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you.

16. If she buys you a drink, she likes you.

17. If someone offers to buy you a drink, do not upgrade your liquor preference.

18. Always have a corkscrew in your house.

19. If you don't have a corkscrew, push the cork down into the bottle with a pen.

20. Drink one girly drink in public and you will forever be known as the guy who drinks girly drinks.

21. Our parents were better drinkers than we are.

22. Never talk to someone in the restroom unless you're doing the same thing—urinating, waiting in line or washing your hands.

23. Girls hang out, apply make-up, and have long talks in the bathroom. Men do not.

24. After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It will shake your confidence.

25. It is only permissible to shout 'woo-hoo!' if you are doing a shot with four or more people.

26. If there is a d.j., you can request a song only once per night. If he doesn't play it within half an hour, do not approach him again. If he does play it, do not approach him again.

27. Learn how to make a rose out of a bar napkin. You'll be surprised how well it works.

28. If you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to drink in a bar. Go to the liquor store.

29. If you owe someone twenty dollars or less, you may pay them back in beer.

30. Never complain about the quality or brand of a free drink.

31. If you have been roommates with someone more than six months, you may drink all their beer, even if it's hidden, as long as you leave them one.

32. You can have a shot of their hard liquor only if the cap has been cracked and the bottle goes for less than $25.

33. The only thing that tastes better than free liquor is stolen liquor.

34. If you bring Old Milwaukee to a party, you must drink at least two cans before you start drinking the imported beer in the fridge.

35. Learn to appreciate hangovers. If it was all good times every jackass would be doing it.

36. If you ever feel depressed, get out a bartender’s guide and browse through all the drinks you’ve never tried.

37. Try one new drink each week.

38. If you are the bar's sole customer, you are obliged to make small talk with the bartender until he stops acknowledging you. Then you're off the hook. The same goes for him.

39. Never tip with coins that have touched you. If your change is $1.50, you can tell the barmaid to keep the change, but once she has handed it to you, you cannot give it back. To a bartender or cocktail waitress, small change has no value.

40. If you have ever told a bartender, “Hey, it all spends the same,” then you are a cheap ass.

41. Anyone on stage or behind a bar is fifty percent better looking.

42. You can tell how hard a drinker someone is by how close they keep their drink to their mouth.

43. A bar is a college, not a nursery. If you spill a beer, clean it up. If you break a glass, wait for a staff member to clean it up, then blame it on someone else.

44. Being drunk is feeling sophisticated without being able to say it.

45. It's okay to drink alone.

46. After three drinks, you will forget a woman's name two seconds after she tells you. The rest of the night you will call her “baby” or “darling”.

47. Nothing screams 'nancy boy' louder than swirling an oversized brandy snifter.

48. Men don't drink from straws. Unless you're doing a Mind or Face Eraser.

49. If you do a shot, finish it. If you don't plan to finish it, don't accept it.

50. Never brood in a dance bar. Never dance in a dive bar.

51. Never play more than three songs by the same artist in a row.

52. Your songs will come on as you're leaving the bar.

53. Never yell out jukebox selections to someone you don't know.

54. Never lie in a bar. You may, however, grossly exaggerate and lean.

55. If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English.

56. Screaming, “Someone buy me a drink!” has never worked.

57. For every drink, there is a five percent better chance you will get in a fight. There is also a three percent better chance you will lose the fight.

58. Fighting an extremely drunk person when you are sober is hilarious.

59. If you are broke and a friend is “sporting you”, you must laugh at all his jokes and play wingman when he makes his move.

60. If you are broke and a friend is “making sport of you”, you may steal any drink he leaves unattended.

61. Never rest your head on a table or bar top. It is the equivalent of voluntarily putting your head on a chopping block.

62. If you are trading rounds with a friend and he asks if you're ready for another, always say yes. Once you fall out of sync you will end up buying more drinks than him.

63. If you're going to hit on a member of the bar staff, make sure you tip well before and after, regardless of her response.

64. The people with the most money are rarely the best tippers.

65. Before you die, single-handedly make one decent martini.

66. Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, “I'm an idiot.”

67. Never ask a bartender “what's good tonight?” They do not fly in the scotch fresh from the coast every morning.

68. If there is a line for drinks, get your goddamn drink and step the hell away from the bar.

69. If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours.

70. The patrons at your local bar are your extended family, your fathers and mothers, your brothers and sisters. Except you get to sleep with these sisters. And if you're really drunk, the mothers.

71. It's acceptable, traditional in fact, to disappear during a night of hard drinking. You will appear mysterious and your friends will understand. If they even notice.

72. Never argue your tab at the end of the night. Remember, you're hammered and they’re sober. It's akin to a precocious five-year-old arguing the super-string theory with a physicist. 99.9% of the time you're wrong and either way you're going to come off as a jackass.

73. If you bring booze to a party, you must drink it or leave it.

74. If you hesitate more than three seconds after the bartender looks at you, you do not deserve a drink.

75. Beer makes you mellow, champagne makes you silly, wine makes you dramatic, tequila makes you felonious.

76. The greatest thing a drunkard can do is buy a round of drinks for a packed bar.

77. Never preface a conversation with a bartender with “I know this is going to be a hassle, but . . .”

78. When you’re in a bar and drunk, your boss is just another guy begging for a fat lip. Unless he’s buying.

79. If you are 86’d, do not return for at least three months. To come back sooner makes it appear no other bar wants you.

80. Anyone with three or more drinks in his hands has the right of way.

81. If you’re going to drink on the job, drink vodka. It’s the no-tell liquor.

82. There’s nothing wrong with drinking before noon. Especially if you’re supposed to be at work.

83. The bar clock moves twice as fast from midnight to last call.

84. A flask engraved with a personal message is one of the best gifts you can ever give. And make sure there’s something in it.

85. On the intimacy scale, sharing a quiet drink is between a handshake and a kiss.

86. You will forget every one of these rules by your fifth drink.