So some of you probably know l have hydrocephalus. lt was congenital, but for some reason the doctors reversed their originally correct diagnosis shortly after l was born, so l didn't find out until l was twenty five that l actually *did* in fact have hydrocephalus. Because there were 25 years of fluid buildup, my brain compensated for the growing lack of space, and is now actually supported by the fluid. While it's still possible, a shunt has been discouraged since they tend to malfunction regularly and overdrainage of the fluid in my brain could lead to much worse problems than what l'm having now...blood clots and such.

But for the first time in 32 years, l AM now having problems. l've had ongoing urinary incontinence, my migraines have increased in both intensity and frequency (from maybe two-three times a month to two-three times a week, sometimes for days at a time), l've had unexplained nausea and vomiting, and l'm starting to suspect that l'm having some memory loss. l've been drinking far less in the last year than l ever have, so l don't think it's the drinking, but l'm going to cut back to one or two a week to see if it makes a difference, but l'm not sure. l had a conversation with someone the other morning (as in, absolutely sober, on the way to work) that l don't recall having. l've lost whole pieces of conversations that l had days ago. And l'm having some balance issues here and there. The memory thing is tricky. l've always had a really good short term memory. My long term memory was never all that great, and l often remembered details wrong. l never remembered movie clips/phrases or books; this was often a blessing and a curse. l just took this as normal. But when l can't remember what l had for dinner three days ago, or that l saw someone on the street, it's worrisome. Apparently l had a conversation with my friend about one of her siblings a month ago, and l don't remember a shred of it. The only thing l remember is her saying l should marry him. l've been wracking my brain for two days about it.

So l made a neuro appt. My neurologist told me that it didn't seem like the fluid had increased since the last brain scan and the most recent one, but that sometimes the buildup is so slow that it's hard to tell by the naked eye that it's increased, even if it has, and even if that miniscule extra amount is enough to make a difference in physical or mental function. She says that since l'm clearly now exhibiting problems that are tied into the hydro, so we set up an appt with a neurosurgeon. He did some tests, said l was clearly having some coordination issues (l failed two or three of them, or at least wasn't able to do them properly, which was humiliating), and has ordered an eye exam to determine pressure, and a spinal tap. l'm absolutely terrified about the latter. l don't know why; maybe just because l've heard and read some horror stories about the pain. Side effects be damned, l'm scared about the pain. They better put me under, that's all l have to say. Depending on those results, we'll decide if l need surgery. This isn't fun anymore, and frankly, the only good thing to come of this so far is that it's helped me get some necessary priorities straight.

That's the *only* good thing. Did l mention that l've been discouraged from having children because it's likely this is genetic (since my brother has similar neuro issues) and that adoption isn't encouraged either in the case that l get worse and am drooling and talking to walls in a decade? l wasn't sure if l wanted kids up until this point. But l really fucking liked having the option.

l want to curl up and die.