butterpezar

done with cigarrettes & emotional indulgence.

alleycat — Tue, 05 Dec 2006 20:49:28 GMT

happy repeal day.

primary relationship (not a poly post!)

alleycat — Mon, 04 Dec 2006 19:20:02 GMT

ok one more thought for the day and then i'll quit. i was thinking about one's internal drive/motivation in life, right? their focus. you know how someone would maybe say "music [my art, whatever] is my first love?" so yeah. ones focus..their inherent focus. as innate as the breath. one might say that to have ones primary relationship in life be to an inanimate object is a sign of a self actualized individual. the ability to get beyond the interpersonal crap and "create". or those wonderful loners whose primary relationship in life is to themselves. also possibly self actualized? others might say that to have your primary focus in life be to a thing or to oneself is a pathology. that humans are social beings meant to connect and to do otherwise is an aberration, lonely. many artists i know are very lonely. of course the meat exists in the space between and cannot be defined in absolutes, but its something i think of. i am extremely extrinsically driven. human focused. i sometimes puzzle over those who are otherwise. yeah. who knows where i'm going with this.

refining my thesis (aka spit the game)

alleycat — Mon, 04 Dec 2006 18:43:46 GMT

ok so pretty thought provoking responses to my last blog. dodger read it and totally *went there* with me, t. checked my head on the finer points, d. thought the entire thing was about him aka "we never listened to RHP together!". the blog spanned like 10 years! in brevity of course. great funny good thought provoking, no? i do need to refine my thesis. i still own the songs, hey haven't been taken from me, why pathologize the imperfection? it is sacred. conversations on sustainability. and no, the relationships weren't bad!

requiem for a band

alleycat — Mon, 04 Dec 2006 17:29:05 GMT

thats it, i'm done. all my ex's they leave and they take my music with them. not my actual music (cuz you know i swap mp3's like saliva) but my ability to enjoy my music sans memories. it generally goes like this. if we fall in love, you get a band. if we date, a song or two depending on the strength of our connection. yeah, like that. my itunes is a menu of love past. like a thrift store of the heart. good thing i'm not bitter! goodbye my songs, i've loved you well. goodbye to the magnetic fields, to morphine. farewell to the red house painters-- you were depressing anyway. no more suede, no more fucking...god who was that? i can't even remember but i know if i hear the song i'll be immediately ensconced in a visceral memory sammich complete with corporal sensation. hello, and now i'm living in a big apartment on prospect street with gabriel's father making bad art and exchanging earnest and naive thoughts on life. petty poignant. maimed on a cellular level. can i have a partial lobotomy please?

burnt. aka why i don't repeat outfits.

alleycat — Mon, 20 Nov 2006 07:52:02 GMT

many of you know i try to avoid repeating an entire outfit more than once a year. (i recycle pieces infinitely, but rarely an entire ensemble) so yeah. i had one that i kinda liked. i wore it out with brad force & miss cheeky & clara holiday to tradeMark & Christy's housewarming but ended up going home early. So I am getting ready with cheeky last night and feeling lazy about what to wear and i decide to recycle the outfit that did not get nearly enough play last weekend. so yeah then i'm at mighty. and i see trademark and christy. the first thing trademark says when he sees me is -- forget about hello, so overrated -- is "you were wearing that at my party last week!" so i don't know why but the first thing that comes out of my mouth is "well, i haven't been home yet!". yeah. classic. i think i was trying to make a joke. they're like "in a week?!?!?!". and of course they are both decked to the nines. yeah, like that. don't recycle outfits.

in bullet points

alleycat — Thu, 16 Nov 2006 16:28:03 GMT

* i am very happy that thanksgiving is encroaching. it is my favorite holiday (other than clara) * i am reading The Unbearable Lightness of Being * my first week at my new job is over in two days *i am kicking myself for dropping that pattern drafting class years ago *yum. *i am not doing grateful girl this year, but will be having a very small celebration *wompom! * thank goodness my work schedule is lasseiz -faire. i am pretty much useless before noon. *make money, get bitches.

cheap flights from LAX -> sf?

alleycat — Sun, 05 Nov 2006 18:54:40 GMT

i hear about em all the time but i'm not finding anything less than 100$. i just need a one way ticket. where do you all go? or if anyone is driving la -> sf and wants to give me a ride back, that would be cool too. can of course share expenses. i want to drive back on weds, thurs, fri...or possibly saturday.

day of the dead

alleycat — Thu, 02 Nov 2006 18:14:45 GMT

somber thoughts this morning....morbid writing...remembering my father, tedd....dark music...yes, its day of the dead. perfect lazy day in bed/chillaxin. will be attending the festivities as well as a bbq in the mission....call to hook up.

the downlow on the sig.

alleycat — Fri, 27 Oct 2006 23:57:09 GMT

so my younger brother sig (23) will soon be a califlower. he flew out to sf a few weekends ago to interview for a senior web development engineer position at a startup in redwood city. they made him an offer, he accepted, and he'll be moving out here within about a week. some of you may remember him from burning man 03. img = he and i celebrating at the downlow party after his interview. photo by artemis. unfortunately we had to leave the party to get him to his 5 am flight on time :)

you know what time it is....(group costume idea)

alleycat — Fri, 27 Oct 2006 22:25:19 GMT

ok there is this horrible show on vh1 called "flavor of love" where 20 women compete for flava-flav's romantic attentions. i want somebody to dress up like flava-flav, flank oneself with bitches and velvet robes and do this costume. here is one clip where "pumpkin" gets in a fight with "new york" over flav: http://www.dailysins.com/_vids/flava_of_love.htm and then there was this time that the girl shat on the floor: http://www.defamer.com/hollywood/reality-tv/flavor-of-love-2-puts-new-spin-on-contestant-eliminations-192266.php anyway, FLAVA FLAV is on the bill for the exotic erotic ball tomorrow night. this blog has been brought to you by the letter "cold".

my friend flickr

alleycat — Fri, 20 Oct 2006 00:05:09 GMT

i have dirt on all of you. i finally uploaded a bunch of photos to my flickr account. thus far, pics from 2001-2004. more to come. but you have to add me as they are friends only. http://flickr.com/people/butterpear/

the process...

alleycat — Tue, 26 Sep 2006 23:45:18 GMT

so i am actually feeling really grounded after talking to frank jones. rub his belly, he's a wise one. (actually, don't. he'll prolly thank you) grief is very isolating. i can tell you i'm sad, you can even be sad for the same reason, and i can even beat you over the head with my big thorny "sad stick", but ultimately, my grief is my own and you simply cannot experience it firsthand. emotional (and physical) pain can be very lonely. grief is also complex. the ones we love the most often hurt us the most, which can lead to some interesting dialectics. i realized very early on that there is often very little correlation between how someone treats you & how much they love you. so my mind shouts to this situation, "get back in your box!". it wants to compartmentalize & make sense of my relationship to my father. but attempting to do so, for me, is very unsatisfying for i have always revelled in the notion that there is no absolute truth. i have pretty much always believed that we can disagree, both be right, both be wrong, and do so without any contradiction. i take comfort in _validating_ everything by _negating_ everything. so the man who has hurt me the most is now dead. i have to accept that he was selfish & abusive, and that i rarely questioned it, like a puppy or child, which i was. and that i have showered him with love & compassion to his final moments, while only rarely drawing the boundaries i needed to. at the same time, i have emotionally shut down when given the opportunity to love. and i have only myself to hold accountable. but even hitler did his best because he was the very best hitler he knew how to be. and i am the best allison i know how to be, and i fuck up repeatedly every day, which i think makes it perfect, no? i can't create a sound byte for his life. i have to find comfort in the ambiguity of our relationship. so you can imagine why its taken me days to cope with the obituary. i have to accept that i am expected to be a source of comfort and strength to my mother, who is crippled with grief even though they divorced over 24 years ago. and hold space for my brother, who was never, ever, accepted by our father. and support gina, who is "the strong one". me, i'm weak. i burrow my head in the sand at every opportunity, but i often find treasures down there. i offer no truth, but i can tell you a few facts. my parents both still loved each other, but couldn't be together, because my mom had the strength to say no to his abuse in 1981. using this model, love to me looks like saying no to people who don't treat you well, and simultaneously accepting them -- not despite their flaws, but *because* of them. love looks like abuse and acceptance and fuzzy boundaries. love can not be trusted. love is never enough, but its all that matters. i am trying to give you facts and still i am ultimately giving you opinions. so i guess one "fact" is, my father died on my mothers birthday. she read him the liturgy in the hospital for two hours, and he died almost exactly the minute she shut the door behind her, asking the nurse on her way out "how long can he go on like this?". he fought with life, then he fought death, he resisted our love, he battled cancer. and now i'm left behind, doing battle with the "truth". its a fight i can accept.

so its over.

alleycat — Fri, 22 Sep 2006 19:58:46 GMT

my dad just died. on my mom's birthday. i thought we had a little bit more time.

moving on....

alleycat — Fri, 22 Sep 2006 16:40:31 GMT

just checking to see if the comments function on tribe blogs actually notifies you now. so comment. in other news, still no word from job. onward and upward, no? they removed my fathers life support about a week ago so it looks like we are nearing the end. basically, without a feeding tube & oxygen, he will either starve to death or choke as his lungs are filling up with fluid. its been a big long crazy trip. sometimes the grief is paralyzing, but i've become a master at distraction. (in the photo above my dad is the one in the pink & burgundy wife beater)

LXXXIV

alleycat — Wed, 19 Apr 2006 23:38:53 GMT

when i die, i want your hands on my eyes: i want the light and wheat of your beloved hands to pass their freshness over me once more: i want to feel the softness that changed my destiny i want you to live while i wait for you, asleep i want your ears still to hear the wind, i want you to sniff the sea's aroma that we loved together, to continue to walk on the sand we walk on i want what i love to continue to live, and you whom i love and sang above everything else to continue to flourish, full flowered: so that you can reach everything my love directs to you so that my shadow can travel along in your hair so that everything can learn the reason for my song. 100 love sonnets by pablo neruda

your fave song lyrics

alleycat — Tue, 18 Apr 2006 19:57:54 GMT

VH1 recently did a poll of "america's" favorite song lyrics, results posted below. what are YOUR favorite song lyrics? The top 20 lyrics in the VH1 poll were: 1. U2 - One. "One life, with each other, sisters, brothers." 2. The Smiths - How Soon is Now? "So you go, and you stand on your own, and you leave on your own, and you go home, and you cry, and you want to die." 3. Nirvana - Smells Like Teen Spirit. "I feel stupid and contagious, here we are now, entertain us." 4. Bob Marley - Redemption Song. "Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery, none but ourselves can free our minds, have no fear for atomic energy, 'cause none of them can stop the time." 5. Coldplay - Yellow. "Look at the stars, look how they shine for you." 6. Eminem - Lose Yourself. "Look, If You Had One Shot Or One Opportunity, To Seize Everything You Ever Wanted, One Moment, Would You Capture It Or Just Let It Slip?" 7. Robbie Williams - Angels. "And Through It All She Offers Me Protection, A Lot Of Love And Affection, Whether I`m Right Or Wrong" 8. The Who - My Generation. "Hope I Die Before I Get Old" 9. Radiohead - Creep. "I`m A Creep, I`m A Weirdo, What The Hell Am I Doing Here? I Don`t Belong Here" 10. Marvin Gaye - What`s Going On. "Father, Father, We Don`t Need To Escalate, You See, War Is Not The Answer, For Only Love Can Conquer Hate" 11. U2 - Where The Streets Have No Name. "I Want To Run, I Want To Hide, I Want To Tear Down The Walls, That Hold Me Inside" 12. Abba - The Winner Takes It All. "The Winner Takes It All, The Loser Standing Small, Beside The Victory, That`s Her Destiny" 13. The Kinks - Waterloo Sunset. "Every Day I Look At The World From My Window, But Chilly, Chilly Is Evening Time. Waterloo Sunset`s Fine" 14. Pink Floyd - Another Brick in the Wall. "We Don`t Need No Education, We Don`t Need No Thought Control. No Dark Sarcasm In The Classroom, Teachers, Leave Them Kids Alone." 15. Tupac ft Snoop - California Love. "Now Let Me Welcome Everybody To The Wild, Wild West, A State That`s Untouchable Like Elliot Ness" 16. Queen - Bohemian Rhapsody. "Is This The Real Life? Is This Just Fantasy? Caught In A Landslide, No Escape From Reality" 17. Bob Dylan - Subterranean Homesick Blues. "Johnny`s In The Basement Mixing Up The Medicine. I`m On The Pavement Thinking About The Government" 18. Kaiser Chiefs - I Predict A Riot. "Watching The People Get Lairy, Is Not Very Pretty I Tell Thee, Walking Through Town Is Quite Scary, And Not Very Sensible Either" 19. David Bowie - Heroes. "We Can Be Heroes, Just For One Day" 20. The Police - Every Breath You Take. "Every Single Day, Every Word You Say, Every Game You Play, Every Night You Stay, I`ll Be Watching You"The top 20 lyrics in the VH1 poll were: 1. U2 - One. "One life, with each other, sisters, brothers." 2. The Smiths - How Soon is Now? "So you go, and you stand on your own, and you leave on your own, and you go home, and you cry, and you want to die." 3. Nirvana - Smells Like Teen Spirit. "I feel stupid and contagious, here we are now, entertain us." 4. Bob Marley - Redemption Song. "Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery, none but ourselves can free our minds, have no fear for atomic energy, 'cause none of them can stop the time." 5. Coldplay - Yellow. "Look at the stars, look how they shine for you." 6. Eminem - Lose Yourself. "Look, If You Had One Shot Or One Opportunity, To Seize Everything You Ever Wanted, One Moment, Would You Capture It Or Just Let It Slip?" 7. Robbie Williams - Angels. "And Through It All She Offers Me Protection, A Lot Of Love And Affection, Whether I`m Right Or Wrong" 8. The Who - My Generation. "Hope I Die Before I Get Old" 9. Radiohead - Creep. "I`m A Creep, I`m A Weirdo, What The Hell Am I Doing Here? I Don`t Belong Here" 10. Marvin Gaye - What`s Going On. "Father, Father, We Don`t Need To Escalate, You See, War Is Not The Answer, For Only Love Can Conquer Hate" 11. U2 - Where The Streets Have No Name. "I Want To Run, I Want To Hide, I Want To Tear Down The Walls, That Hold Me Inside" 12. Abba - The Winner Takes It All. "The Winner Takes It All, The Loser Standing Small, Beside The Victory, That`s Her Destiny" 13. The Kinks - Waterloo Sunset. "Every Day I Look At The World From My Window, But Chilly, Chilly Is Evening Time. Waterloo Sunset`s Fine" 14. Pink Floyd - Another Brick in the Wall. "We Don`t Need No Education, We Don`t Need No Thought Control. No Dark Sarcasm In The Classroom, Teachers, Leave Them Kids Alone." 15. Tupac ft Snoop - California Love. "Now Let Me Welcome Everybody To The Wild, Wild West, A State That`s Untouchable Like Elliot Ness" 16. Queen - Bohemian Rhapsody. "Is This The Real Life? Is This Just Fantasy? Caught In A Landslide, No Escape From Reality" 17. Bob Dylan - Subterranean Homesick Blues. "Johnny`s In The Basement Mixing Up The Medicine. I`m On The Pavement Thinking About The Government" 18. Kaiser Chiefs - I Predict A Riot. "Watching The People Get Lairy, Is Not Very Pretty I Tell Thee, Walking Through Town Is Quite Scary, And Not Very Sensible Either" 19. David Bowie - Heroes. "We Can Be Heroes, Just For One Day" 20. The Police - Every Breath You Take. "Every Single Day, Every Word You Say, Every Game You Play, Every Night You Stay, I`ll Be Watching You"

don't get too close to my fantasy

alleycat — Tue, 18 Apr 2006 18:51:04 GMT

i have a love/hate relationship with weekend update blogs, so i shall just say i had a great one and leave it at that. all things considered, i am doing really well right now. ------------------ so i walk like i'm on a mission cuz that's the way i groove i got more and more to do i got less and less to prove -ani difranco

tedd o'neil

alleycat — Tue, 14 Mar 2006 18:43:13 GMT

tedd o'neil passed away. memorial video here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HyCTadWlGUs and message me for the url where you can subscribe to the email list for his friends to support each other. i'm really sad.

celebrate.

alleycat — Sun, 22 Jan 2006 16:57:40 GMT

i got the job! i signed my offer letter yesterday. the official celebration will be tomorrow, monday night, at el rio dollar drink night. i really hope you can swing by for a cocktail and some ha-ha's. 7 pm monday 1/23/06 http://www.elriosf.com/

last night

alleycat — Mon, 09 Jan 2006 21:04:04 GMT

mishka and chaos came over and told tales of biloxi mississippi. do everything in your power to extract stories from these two. it is well worth your time.

new year, new meat

alleycat — Fri, 06 Jan 2006 20:04:11 GMT

last night, i dreamt of wool coats and bling barrettes....dresses are so last year. clara says we've got 10 days of "new material" so we might as well work the new year angle while we can. dixie says the new year is time for new meat. but how to move on when 2005 has yet to have faded from my thoughts? i'm scheming more than ever. my son turned six yesterday, the same day my mother flew back to michigan. i'm exploring a new business venture. i'm abandoning my classic hair style for something more interesting. i'm in crush. i'm living with my ex-boyfriend until the 15th of the month. i'm being considered for a serious promotion, and if i don't get it, i'll be considering some things of my own. i created "meth makeup" on new years eve, and it was a smashing success. school is looming. my head is a bit to thick to air it all now, but rest be assured much is going on behind the scenes.

catholic guilt

alleycat — Wed, 28 Dec 2005 13:58:08 GMT

i was raised catholic, by a born-again catholic who's been in love with god for the past 30 years. i used to think catholic guilt was a bit of a myth, kind of like the mysterious "accepting christian", people talked about it but i'd never seen any 'round these parts. then i thought, by studying cultural anthropology and the worlds religions, that i had absolved myself of catholic guilt, without ever being actively cognisant of how much it affected me. years later -- about 3 months ago -- i was having sex with someone i love and thought to myself "this would be considered a sin". and where the fuck did that come from? i used to want to be a "good person". i gave that up a while back. but i still like to do nice things for people, you know? so i brought my mom to midnight mass on christmas eve this year. i had already gone through that phase where i felt it was important to not go so i skipped out on christmas mass, i guess i was 21. and it had been about 5 years since my mom made me attend. and she very gracefully let me not go, and my best friend was like "good for you!" and i stayed at my christmas eve party and ate cocktail shrimp and wore red lipstick and reveled in the harlotness of it all. i have a picture from that night. we both look happy. my hair looks a little stringy. so my mom asked me if i wanted to come to midnight mass with her this year. i think its against her religion to not ask. so i thought it would be really beautiful and full circle and all that jazz to, you know, attend with her. as i had already made my point, you know? so christmas eve comes and i leave diox christmas eve to take her to mass. and i go, and my mom thanks the lord b/c there is parking right out front. but it just feels foreign and wrong. they sing songs, lots of them, and i feel a tightening in my chest. all i can think about is how the priest used to know about my nightmares, without me telling anyone i had them. and how he used to pray over me and push really hard on my forehead, so i would fall down and be "slain in the spirit". i always refused to fall. i thought about the time that the priest....and then how they used to...and more, but i'm not gonna bore you with the details, because, well, i'm not gonna tell you that either. and mass starts and the priest is reading off the history of the church, this many years since that, and this many years since this, and woo-wee! look at us! and all i can think about is how insignificant the catholic church is compared to the history of the earth, and i feel really small. and look! god is coming to judge the living and the dead! and my eye starts to leak. what the fuck? i'm not crying in church again. i was over this, right? because i always used to cry in church, and some part of me felt like it was because i was touched by god and couldn't help but be moved by the enormity of it all. or maybe i was repulsed. i still don't know. but anyway, i left mass and went back to 5 liberty and felt a bit better.

holidays with the mother.

alleycat — Tue, 27 Dec 2005 23:57:09 GMT

my mother and i have been together at kiko's since the 19th. she loves his beautiful apartment, and i've been savoring my quiet rainy mornings on the roof. she has met many of my friends and i have been dragging her to all the holiday must-do's, as well as visiting some san francisco classic tourist destinations. i am discovering, again, that i have a much greater need for silence than my mother (which is not surprising considering that clara holiday has said she oft will talk when we are together, simply to fill the silence). my mother, she is a hover-er, quite chatty and social, whereas i have a tendancy to only say what needs to be said-- most of the time ;). that is how we are different, and i can't begin to explore how we are similar. despite our differing needs for quiet time, things are going fabulously. i am doing my best to savor the time we have and not get impatient, which i worry about doing when we are together. often i *feel* impatient (but have been told that i act the same as when i am not) and i think i am continuing that trend as she said to me recently "you are so patient with me. i say the same thing over and over and you just listen, and never interrupt me" which i was very happy to hear. we are both doing a pretty good job of stating our needs without freaking out, and being accepting of each others preferences. i don't like listening to her talk on the phone (a weird pet peeve i don't really understand) and i don't like going to church with her, i do like taking her other places and buying her things she won't buy for herself. on that same token, there are a few habits she has that i hope not to adopt, and there are many traits she has that i admire and wish to take as my own...i'll let you know how that goes. heh.

my mom at santa con

alleycat — Fri, 23 Dec 2005 20:41:55 GMT

liquor pig, ever the gentleman, escorted my mom to santa con last night while i was at work. she had a BLAST! just thought i'd share.

just in..photos from XXV

alleycat — Tue, 13 Dec 2005 21:39:04 GMT

from the illustrious brentronics http://www.brentronics.com/imprints.php?set=alleycatbday05