"so if I do not seem happy with the thought of you-you will understand. I must feel my mother's hand slip out of mine before I can really take yours. She is my first, great love. She was a wonderful, rare woman-you do not know, as strong, and steadfast, and generous as the sun. She could be swift as a white whiplash, and as kind and gentle as warm rain, and as steadfast as the irreducible earth beneath us. "
-D.H. Lawrence in a letter he wrote to Louie Burrows, the woman to whom he had
proposed a few days earlier

Hey can't wait to get home, thanks for coming to pick me up from the airport, (you know who you are you goddess you) This is a really big deal for me and I may be left speechless and useless but I know you'll accept me any way I am because you love me. Protect me mama as I hurtle through the air in that big crazy metal tube that somehow defies natural laws and feelings. We bring love light and presents!! and I think this is the longest I've gone in 17 years, you know what I mean. ONE MORE MONTH TO GO WOOOOOHOOOOOOO!!!!!!

"Sometimes, I go about pitying myself, and all the time, I am being carried on great winds across the sky" -Ojibway

Today was a bad day. It was a learning day. I am here because I chose to be here, I am here because I had lessons to learn, and reasons to learn them. I am here because I thought going home would be a positive solution to my problems, I came home because I thought "home" is a place to heal from wounds, a place to collect oneself after a tiring or troubling experience, a place to rest. I had forgotten home is not necessarily where you think it is.
I thought home was here, where my parents are. They adopted me when I was small. I always thought that I would rather have lived in poverty with my real parents, with real emotions, with real hard times and real blood. This is rather like a dollhouse, picture perfect, all needs met, but no real human emotion or heart. They mean well, I know, but without real experience, and honesty, it's almost...harmful...
Have you ever seen "Paper moon"? Check it out. A perfect example of how real emotion and real connection somehow win over all the riches in the world.
The paradigm shift I am referring to concerns my baby. For the last several months, every time i have gone to pick him up when he is crying i recieved a reprimanding from my father. You don't pick up babies when they cry or it will only spoil them. I am under the impression offering them comfort creates a strong bond and a realization to the baby that when they need a secure attachment it is there. I want my baby to know his needs will be met in a timely manner and that I love him. Well, today I had it for the last time, this reprimanding from my father. So I went to go talk to my mother about it because she can talk to him better than I can. I explained how ridiculous it seems to leave a crying baby cry, alone, and asked her if that is how they handled me when I was a baby. She explained that they left me in my crib for hours on end because I didn't cry, and was perfectly content in my crib, playing, for hours on end. She had mentioned this before but for some reason it struck a nerve, deeply, and I realized that either A)she was lying through her teeth or B) I had completely given up hope on ever being comforted and therefore did not see a point in crying. This saddened me deeply and I cried for the rest of the day. My baby kissed my tears and sucked on my nose and healed me, relaying to me that this was a learning process, and that creation was asking me to be a tool, to be a conduit of energy, of healing love and compassion for not only my parents but for every baby who has ever had to endure suffering, incompassion, endless hours of crying, unspoken tortures because of their race, or sex, or thier parents incapacity to deal with thier own human and real emotion. Tonight I will pray for all the babies in the world, if I could hold them all, I would. May the Goddess grant me a million arms in my next lifetime. I would hold them all.