Inner Journeys and Reflections...

Love Love Love...

Amber-Amanita — Fri, 01 Aug 2008 16:47:42 GMT

Falling, head over heels... With a handsome, INTELLIGENT (intelligence is so sexy), compassionate, funny, nurturing, honourable man... Quite smitten... (and the sex is the most amazing EVER! Oh yeah!) We're so well matched in so many ways... and both feel the same... it's only been a month and he wants me to meet his family... After my last 'relationship' with someone so secretive - about totally STUPID things - this means so very much to me... *xoSighox*

Not really on Tribe anymore...

Amber-Amanita — Fri, 04 Jul 2008 16:57:26 GMT

If you want to reach me, please write to me on myspace: www.myspace.com/amberamanita

Love or Judge?

Amber-Amanita — Thu, 24 Jan 2008 07:38:24 GMT

by Robert Holden, Ph.D. Unhappiness is energy plus judgment. Can you see that all unhappiness stems from a judgment of "this is bad" and "this is wrong"? Nothing, in itself, can make you unhappy, but the belief that what you're witnessing must be "bad" and "wrong" will certainly encourage grief. Redundancy, for instance, need not be "bad" or "wrong," but if you insist it must be so, then you'll suffer great unhappiness. Look at your judgments! The problem with judgment is that there is no is! Nothing is because everything has to be "good" or "bad" and "right" or "wrong." In other words, there is no acceptance. Everything you see you judge. Seeing is judgment. Thinking is judgment. You see nothing as it is; you only see your judgment of it. It is this lack of acceptance and openness that causes you so much pain. Judgment isn't natural; it's learned. Judgment is an attribute of the ego, and the ego is always on guard, ready to dispense its judgments. While you continue to judge, there's no acceptance, no peace, and no rest. Because you were once afraid, you taught yourself to judge, but now you find that judgment only increases fear. Similarly, because you once lacked trust, you taught yourself to judge, but now you find that judgment diminishes any chance of trust. If you judge something as "bad," you must inevitably feel "bad." If, you judge something as "good," you will feel "good." This is solid emotional mathematics. True freedom, however, comes from the willingness to give up judgment for love. This is particularly true when it comes to your judgments about emotions. When you're willing to give up judging your emotions, you're left with acceptance; and when you have acceptance, you also have love. Can you see that: Fear, without judgment, is love. Anger, without judgment, is love. Guilt, without judgment, is love. Depression, without judgment, is love. Jealousy, without judgment, is love. Hate, without judgment, is love. Anxiety, without judgment, is love. Sadness, without judgment, is love. Pain, without judgment, is love. Love, without judgment, is love. Wisdom isn't judgment; wisdom is the relinquishment of judgment. Can you see that whenever you judge anyone or anything, you are the one who experiences the effect of the judgment? This is what is meant by the saying "Judge not that ye may not be judged." You may be angry at your mother, but it is your nervous system that feels the anger. You may be upset at your partner, but it is your mind that is unsettled. Judgment condemns and punishes everyone, including "ye" who judges. Giving up judgment is only difficult because you still believe that judgment will somehow give you peace. To give up judgment, you must first realize that judgment cannot and will not give you peace. In other words . . . judgment won't make you safe; it will only make you afraid. Second, to give up judgment, you only have to understand that you don't know enough about anything to make an accurate judgment. In other words, all your judgments are half-baked opinions and not whole truths. In the manual of A Course in Miracles, there are some wonderful words that read: It is necessary for the teacher of God (or whatever your term is) to realize, not that he should not judge, but that he cannot. In giving up judgment, he is merely giving up what he did not have. He gives up an illusion; or better, he has an illusion of giving up. He has actually merely become more honest. Recognizing that judgment was always impossible for him, he no longer attempts it. This is no sacrifice. On the contrary, he puts himself in a position where judgment through him rather than by him can occur. And this judgment is neither "good" nor "bad." It is the only judgment there is, and it is only one: "God's Son is guiltless, and sin does not exist." Third, in order to give up judgment, you can begin by not judging yourself for your judgments! I was recently interviewed for a magazine in which I was asked, "Are you judgmental?" The most honest reply I could give was, "I am as judgmental as I have ever been. However, I've learned not to judge myself for my judgments. I've also learned to take my judgments less seriously. Most judgments are fears, and I'm determined not to live my life by fear." Finally, judgment and love are opposites. By making a commitment to love and by cultivating a more loving outlook, judgment will automatically fall away. Love begets love; judgment begets judgment. The truth is . . .you cannot judge and love! The experience of your entire life boils down, then, to a simple decision: Do you love, or do you judge? Which do you value the most? You so hoped that judgment would give you strength and peace, but there is no strength and peace in a mind that constantly judges. Love is strong. It is strong because it is free of fear and judgment. Love will give you all the peace you long for. Excerpt from Happiness NOW! by Robert Holden, Ph.D., Director of the internationally renowned Happiness Project.

Las Belle Dame sans Merci

Amber-Amanita — Fri, 12 Oct 2007 17:00:59 GMT

~ John Keats. 1795–1821 'O WHAT can ail thee, knight-at-arms, Alone and palely loitering? The sedge is wither'd from the lake, And no birds sing. 'O what can ail thee, knight-at-arms, 5 So haggard and so woe-begone? The squirrel's granary is full, And the harvest 's done. 'I see a lily on thy brow With anguish moist and fever dew; 10 And on thy cheeks a fading rose Fast withereth too.' 'I met a lady in the meads, Full beautiful—a faery's child, Her hair was long, her foot was light, 15 And her eyes were wild. 'I made a garland for her head, And bracelets too, and fragrant zone; She look'd at me as she did love, And made sweet moan. 20 'I set her on my pacing steed And nothing else saw all day long, For sideways would she lean, and sing A faery's song. 'She found me roots of relish sweet, 25 And honey wild and manna dew, And sure in language strange she said, "I love thee true!" 'She took me to her elfin grot, And there she wept and sigh'd fill sore; 30 And there I shut her wild, wild eyes With kisses four. 'And there she lullèd me asleep, And there I dream'd—Ah! woe betide! The latest dream I ever dream'd 35 On the cold hill's side. 'I saw pale kings and princes too, Pale warriors, death-pale were they all; They cried—"La belle Dame sans Merci Hath thee in thrall!" 40 'I saw their starved lips in the gloam With horrid warning gapèd wide, And I awoke and found me here, On the cold hill's side. 'And this is why I sojourn here 45 Alone and palely loitering, Though the sedge is wither'd from the lake, And no birds sing.'

All the World's a Stage...

Amber-Amanita — Fri, 12 Oct 2007 16:53:03 GMT

and I'm so tired of being cast in other peoples' plays. Unwittingly drawn into drama and blindsided by pain I did not ask for or want. Why can't people just be honest - to one another and to themselves as well? I feel so saddened and despondent. Anger smoulders to compassion too quickly within me as it's too easy to succomb to inner demons and their whisperings. My heart is floating in a turbulent sea with only hope and faith to sustain me. The tower is crumbling and my wings are tattered. I dare to walk through the world with an Open heart. One can only base other peoples' moral ethics upon their own. I am Honest and Trustworthy therefore am trusting. Is that naive? I daresay verily it is, however I'd rather risk disappointment rather than live my life in constant doubt and fear. A very long and disappointing chapter has ended abrubtly and I don't think I can or should turn back the pages. Time to stray into a different story perhaps. My one True Love... wherefore art thou? Currently listening : Reaping The Fallen...The First Harvest By Ordo Equilibrio

Almost a year later from my epiphany...

Amber-Amanita — Sun, 23 Sep 2007 01:38:23 GMT

So... back in March I decided to sell my house and move to the woods. I meant it and have been working very hard (with much help - especially from Liberty - I love you!!) and toiled and sacrificed and spent and charged and borrowed much. Needless to say I'm finally almost there. I learned much about myself and who my friends are and who are not worthy of my time. It's been very challenging getting anything done with a baby. Unfortunately the market has declined and my house is worth about $30-50K less than it was in March (which I need to purchase the land). Unfortunately again I extended my credit to the max to pay for fixing it up/remodeling that I can't even afford my debt (thank goodness for the food bank!) and now can't wait to sell later. I'm hanging in there... So much has happened. Due to many things - my own stress and new management and baby at work and... - since early August I am no longer working at We'Moon (after 4 years!). I got a nice severance package which enabled me to pay for the final repairs/supplies needed for my house project. I believe it to be a blessing helping to lead me in the right direction. In light of that I will no longer be moving South and after visiting with Liberty in Olympia, WA - decided to move North. No matter what I am trying to be very conscious and not repeat old backward stepping patterns. My dream is to live on land and the next thing I buy will be land. I will live in a crappy apartment for a while until I find the perfect Amber Utopia. I've already begun searching in/near Oly and it's so lovely... I hope to purchase something ideallic with forest and open garden area with a few friends... This house is very bad for me. I need to leave it and this town. A new phase of my life is beginning... So close. I will be debt-free and untethered. I can almost feel my tattered wings mending and unfurling...

Movin to the woods...

Amber-Amanita — Wed, 28 Mar 2007 23:22:51 GMT

So, I've had an epiphany after taking a trip to Southern Oregon that I'm going to pursue my dreams and sell my house in Portland, OR and use the money to purchase land. I'm tired of debt and sighing my somedays... Time to let go and sever the cords dragging me down to Davey Jones locker. I want Narya to grow up uninhibited with trees and fresh air rather than strip malls. I just can't take it anymore either. Not like I have a social life these days anyway! I figure as much as I see anyone now, I'm more likely to see everyone if I move as I will come into town once a month or so specifically to visit while I'm here. Be that as it may... that's not my sole intention of writing to everyone. The fact is I NEED HELP. In order to put my house up for sale it needs some work. I've worked out a wonderful trade of my trailer (which I want to sell anyway) in exchange for remodeling work in my bathroom/kitchen. Mostly I need help with my yard, some painting, and installing a hardwood floor. I can't offer much, but will feed whoever helps and/or possibly trade for (? - homebrew, candles, housework, babysitting - ?) If you have landscaping/construction/gardening skills or have a truck I could use to pick up supplies/go to dump. Whatever you can or are willing to contribute to a wonderful cause. And of course, if I'm writing to you I consider you a friend or family and are welcome to come stay and commune with nature with me anytime (regardless of help provided). I figure if at least 4 people respond, we could take care of my yards in a day or two. If you can help, I'm only available Friday-Sunday and would like to begin in about 2 weeks. If I've ever helped you in the past, I'm presenting my karma card. hee-hee Keeping fingers crossed... Amber

Letting the cat outa the bag...

Amber-Amanita — Thu, 29 Jun 2006 21:12:30 GMT

So... Just thought I'd let anyone know that I'm a breeder once again. I'm due October 21 (Halloween baby - Yay!) and it's gonna be another changeling female child. It was quite a big decision, considering my age, the fact my current daughter is now 14 and I was almost done and free, and my current relationship is not all I hoped and dreamed (and probably won't survive much longer), not to mention the fact he is not excited about the prospect... Everything seemed to 'logically' point to an abortion... and my first reaction when finding out was that I cried my eyes out. Be that as it may... after much soul-searching I am now very excited and hopeful and had my ultrasound and she is healthy and whole. Everytime I feel her kicking I fall in love. I raised my first practically on my own (her dad is a non-existent dead-beat and I've never seen a cent in support). At least I know my current partner is responsible and I know he'll fall in love once she's born. Regardless of if we stay together, I have no doubts he will be there for her in every way. Last time I had Melian in a county hospital on state welfare. What a dreadful birthing experience! Bright flourescent lighting, myriad people in and out and about. White trash in the bed next to me whining about needing a cigarette while the nurse bottle-fed her baby. NEVER AGAIN! I am having a midwife this time and having her at home - the way it's supposed to be... I can take a bath if I want and sleep in my own bed afterwards. Have real food or a cup of tea with people I love around me. So... Wish me luck and expect an invitation for a shower soon...

Pirate Ships a-sailin' o'er the briney sea...

Amber-Amanita — Mon, 05 Jun 2006 18:54:12 GMT

Raven, Melian and I went downtown Saturday to watch the pirate ships a-sailin'. Made me eyes dewey to see such beauty afloat still in this day with flowing sails and cannons firing! We met up with a Pirate who recruited us into his fleet! The day was so fun. We were escorted into the carnival whilst shadowing his coat-tails and listened to a pirate band singing shanties then were part of the parade firing muskets and saying 'Aargh!' til we were hoarse! I wore the wrong shoes... and took them off half-way through the parade and walked in me striped stockins in the rain. (Mental note to self: If you're off chasin' pirates, be sure to wear your best shoes, cuz ya never know what adventures await!) We are now members of the Pirates of Portlandia and will get to participate in Ren Faires, festivals, and pirate re-enactments on ships! I'm gonna purchase a book on knot-work and more books on the sea-farers life... Ha-Har! I was a member of Danse Macabre for 6 years in CA and miss the Faire circuit very very much... If I can't be dayde, then yo-ho yo-ho a pirate's life for me!

Unbridled Freedom...

Amber-Amanita — Wed, 26 Apr 2006 18:40:31 GMT

Today whilst driving to work I saw horses. I see horses everyday grazing, but today I espied 2 horses in opposite pastures running together. A black Arab and a dappled grey... Sleek and joyous in their movement... Tails raised and manes flying in their speed... They were so beautiful and it made me so happy to see them thus I began to cry... Finally Spring is here and feeling the warm sun on my face is like the breath of fresh wind I've needed to leave this stagnant quagmire and sail to distant horizons full of self-discovery and adventure... I can't wait to run free across the hills like the horses I saw today. Just thought I'd share. :)

Year of the Dog 2006

Amber-Amanita — Mon, 30 Jan 2006 20:36:47 GMT

THE YEAR OF THE DOG 2006 The year of the Dog begins on the new moon of January 29th, 2006. (Chinese new year begins on the second new moon after winter solstice.) Dog year is a time of fairness and equality. Controversial issues are given their due, revolutions are successful, politics are liberal, and social oppression is opposed. Integrity and honesty are the values that lead to success under Dog's watchful and just influence. People born in Dog years (1910, 1922, 1934, 1946, 1958, 1970, 1982, 1994, 2006) possess the admirable qualities of loyalty and integrity. They empathize with the underdog, and champion fairness and rights for all. Honest and trustworthy, Dog people make excellent friends and will always take your side. They have an innate sense of fair play and honor their commitments. Dogs won't hesitate to make sacrifices for the people they love and the causes they believe in; Only a Dog will loyally stand by when others have abandoned a cause. Dogs prefer to live an impeccable life, filled with principles and dignity, always willing to be a crusader for noble ideology. Direct and frank, a person born in Dog year does not pay much attention to superficial details and has little patience for frivolity. Yet they like to be spontaneous. They prefer to react to rather than plan for a situation. They are extremely loyal in partnership and do not lightly consider having an affair. Because of this dedication, Dogs can be quite selective in the beginning stages of courtship. But when Dogs fall in love, they fall hard! They are hot-blooded and emotional, and feel all things very deeply. One challenging trait for Dog people is that they can, at times, be judgmental or extreme, acting as if color blind and only seeing issues as either black or white. Others are either friend or foe, good or bad, right or wrong. But Dog people's quick intelligence help them to jump to the right conclusion. By applying their keen senses, Dogs can avoid problems. Dog correlates to the Western sign Libra. YOUR FORTUNE IN DOG YEAR Rat: Spontaneous Dog and planner Rat are very different, so anticipate some minor conflicts this year. Rat's individuality may be curtailed because it is best to comply with the wishes of the majority. Don't overthink or fret about small issues, and avoid a pessimistic or critical attitude in relationships. The spotlight will be on you in Rat year 2008 when you will start a new life cycle. Ox: Stay strong and steady this year. Problems with others can be resolved through honest communication and attention to duty, and Ox is known for attention to duty. At times life may seem that as soon as one issue is resolved, another problem arises. But no challenge is so overwhelming that powerful Ox cannot handle it properly. Tiger: Strong Dog and brave Tiger are best friends (along with Horse) so expect a superb year. Tiger experiences much fun, social success, and a great year for marriage and having a child. Work is also successful with good investments and fortunate enterprise. Tiger might even find devotion to a cause under Dog's idealistic influence. Hare: Expect a pleasant and lively year because Dog is Hare's friend and defender. Recovery from the previous Phoenix (Rooster) year difficulties is foreseen, but career still requires attention. Sensitive Hare benefits by being diplomatic, which is Hare's strongest trait. A favorable year for romance and marriage, as is next year 2007 Boar year. Dragon: Mighty Dragon could experience an uncomfortable year because Dog is opposite Dragon. So time to lay low, or as low as Dragon can. Plans could be delayed, there could be challenges manifesting your dreams, and people seem contrary. Dragon benefits by cultivating the Dog qualities of practicality and realism, which are not Dragon traits. Not a favorable year for marriage. Serpent: Dog and Serpent are on different wavelengths, so anticipate problems concerning values, viewpoints, and ideologies. But if wise Serpents keep their opinions and insights private, and not draw attention to these problems, much can be accomplished. Dog year can be a time for new endeavors as possibilities for advancement materialize. Horse: Expect an exemplary year because Dog and Horse are great friends. Horses can succeed in business and academics and accomplish goals. Important and influential people offer guidance and opportunities for advancement. A great year for marriage, children, travel, or a new home. Luck is with you. Sheep: Issues could arise from neglect and lack of support from family and friends so be stronger and more independent this year. And don't become overly involved with the problems of others. Leave the rescuing to the Dogs and avoid co-dependence. Sheep does best to remain neutral and avoid rushing in to help those who will not appreciate Sheep's sacrifice. Consider taking care of yourself instead. Monkey: No-nonsense Dog sets the tone for this year, so not a time for risks, new endeavors, or wild Monkey schemes. Don't let Dog's pessimistic attitude darken your usually sunny disposition. If your energy is diminished, care must be taken with health. Financial difficulties can result if Monkeys overextend, so play it safe and a bit more conservative than usual. Phoenix (Rooster): Good fortune continues from the previous Phoenix year with opportunities for a new home, career advancement, and travel. Socializing, good times, and enjoyment prevail. Financial difficulties can be circumvented because Dog's influence offers Phoenix the qualities of honesty and integrity. Dog: Dogs benefit greatly from the influence of their own year. Endeavors are successful, career achievements are attained. and the political climate is perfect for Dog's altruistic sensibilities. Outstanding time for marriage, children, falling in love, and travel. Political involvement brings rewards. Boar: Expect a comfortable year of stability and security. Affairs are in order, although not many new opportunities for advancement are foreseen. So enjoy life and relax. Moderation is key. Next year 2007 will be the Boar year when you will begin a new fortunate twelve-year life cycle. By Susan Levitt

The Lamps of the Valar...

Amber-Amanita — Mon, 16 Jan 2006 21:02:47 GMT

So I've spent the last week with a most dreadful virus. Overnight it hit me! So... I turned to my comfort book and spent the last 5 days absorbed again within the most wonderful world of Middle Earth. I've lost count of how many times I've traversed that world... and everytime it's like reading it for the first... Sigh...

Liberation!

Amber-Amanita — Thu, 29 Dec 2005 23:24:23 GMT

Free of an unhappy living situation Free of a substantial debt Free to do as I will when I will Free to live in my own house once more with friends over and tending my (literal/spiritual) neglected garden and sleeping in my GREEN ROOM! A basement for music once more. Sweet Liberty. I am so elated I can hardly sit still. 2004-5 My Saturn Return SUCKED ASS! My spirit is the lightest it's been in over 2 years in this moment. A whole new world awaits my wish. I could soar to the highest peak...

The Longest Night - Winter Solstice 2005

Amber-Amanita — Fri, 23 Dec 2005 00:05:21 GMT

I sit here in Sadness. My spirit weeping ... For all the things in the World that should have been For all those who have loved and lost For all the Victims of the Violence of Aeons For all the Knowledge and Wisdom burned or destroyed For all the Indigenous Peoples sundered from their homelands I feel tired, uninspired... and lonely. I miss my adopted kin spread across the NW like pollen in the wind. My heart yearns and mourns lost Summer days before this hole opened in my heart and let the Darkness seep in. A slave to this Machine which drains my vital essence I have not the means to escape. A breath of fresh wind is needed to fill these sails and transport this vessel to another Realm... my impetus has escaped me. Thee Dark Night of Thee Soul is upon me on this Long Night... The Veil Falls.

My Fall Equinox

Amber-Amanita — Fri, 23 Sep 2005 19:49:40 GMT

I awoke with conflicting emotions... Today is a paid Holy Day for my work... meaning I didn't *have* to go in and would be paid not to do so... However if I did I'd have an extra days' pay on my check which I so desperately need at present. I weighed the options in my head and then stopped and listened to my intuition which said unto me, "Today is a perfect day for mushroom hunting and it *is* a Holy Day!" Back to my rational Capricornian mind I decide to swap Thurs for Sat and be able to do both without dealing with alot of people hiking on the weekend. I filled my water bottle with tea, grabbed a snack and my dog and departed. Reflecting how good it is to get out of the city as the farms and fields passed by whilst Dead Can Dance was playing in time to the trees' solemn dance with the wind... Arrive at my destination... Upon stepping on the trail my senses are infused with the smell of fresh pine... Take deep intoxicating breath. Not really finding mushrooms... not really looking either... Go to the falls and sit awhile, look around, think of oh... nothing in particular. My mind is resting and that is good... Back on the trail and Siduri is blazing up and down it - she loves to run. Pass some horse manure which she obliges herself to roll in for a minute. Still not really finding any mushrooms and I realize I haven't asked... So I take a tea break and commune with the forest for awhile... Open my eyes and breathe and take a few shots. Back on the trail and off to the right not long after my break I spot some Chanterelles... a bit moldy. I decide to forsake the trail and do some real searching... The Treasure Hunt begins... So many secrets to uncover and so many clues if you know what to look for... Needless to say I found 1/2 a basket full. I could've taken more if I was greedy and raped the land for my own gain. I *could* make a killing doing what I love and sell the Chanterelles for $10-15 per pound... but I only take what I need. I am conscious and only take a few from each patch I find and always tap them all to spread the spores. I am content... Forsake the road and pass into the woods and follow the stream for awhile. Criss-crossing back and forth across the rock trails of the stream. Managed to get my foot wet only twice... Another tea break with snacks. Siduri resting by my feet. The sun is lowering in the sky and I decide to head back... On the return I notice a loamy hillside and think that is Chanterelle heaven... I was not mistaken and manage to fill my basket another 3rd full... Not a bad haul with little rain. Return home and start preparing dinner... I made a Chanterelle Stroganoff with Mithera (sp?) cheese in my lovely mushroom shaped casserole dish... Gave Siduri a bath... Was she dirty! Ate dinner and watched a movie with Melian. Twas Quite satisfying and there's leftovers... I don't allow myself enough time... It's hard to do so right now... I've been feeling stagnant and that was just what I needed...

Nirvana

Amber-Amanita — Fri, 08 Jul 2005 05:52:14 GMT

Here is what I wrote Summer Solstice '04 with aid of Rain Children: I was laying in the womb - serene, innocent - of the earth. The mosquitos disappeared... the squirrel disappeard. I lay and faced the Sun. The latticework trees' limbs merged into the surrounding webs glistening through layers and layers of seasons. A spiders' tunnel to the glistening eye of the Sun. All else disappeared into calm bliss. Out of the Sun emerges... coalescing into beauteous calm splendour... the very core of ME. I am BEAUTIFUL! Phosphorescent shimmering radiant me! Flying out of the Sun. I was held in enthralled enchantment. Spellbound by the stunning light cresting the horizon past layers of trees with many abandoned webs glistening in the Dusk's final triumphant rays. *Absorbed* into its' light. The womb of the Suns' warming light. Later wrote: Oh... the sounds of the forest so still... Birds weaving song. Twigs snap. Owls hoo-hooing. Strange Creature sounds. Squirrels incessant chat chattering. Layers of Seasons... Dusk to Twilight Time... Oh, I love this Gloaming Time. Later wrote: Shadows merging into the One Shadow of Night. Birdsong Echoing through the Ages of Silent Watchers. Branches swaying solemnly to imaginary wispy breeze. Down the Avenues creeping tunnels of entangled branches. Into the Vortex of Time's dirgeful Wail of Heart. Slumbering Spirits awaken to the Reunion of Twilight. Colors softening into phosphorescent glowing tendrils. Senses awakening Nature's thriving Spirit Within. Gentle Creatures feel my kind spirit hearken to your presence. Lead me back through memories to innocence unbridled. When my Soul was Ageless in Rapturous Oneness. Through Aeons of Creation before Black-Hole Universes. I am here with you in this moment of Existence. Lifetimes of this moment have I witnessed in contemplation. I am changed forever in this Moment. Later wrote: I thought to find and face my demons... I see that my true spirit will banish them from its' light. I must shine my true beautiful spirit and that's all there is. I am Radiant. Trust in myself. All else is Ash. I am the Phoenix.

Peace and Chaos...

Amber-Amanita — Tue, 05 Jul 2005 20:18:34 GMT

So I was planning on just taking my doggy for a quiet hike alone last night and got lured into the accord of watching fireworks briefly then my comm-mates and I would walk our dogs together by the river. She said we'd be viewing the display from the little town cemetary and that sold me... ;) So we 'watched' the display but mostly just fell into a discussion about pagan vs christian holidays, mormonism, and cops amidst all the small-town folk thinking they're celebrating freedom and liberty! Retch... So afterwards we headed to the river and the dogs exuberantly hurled themselves from the truck and were off! We leisurely strolled along and partook and I fell more and more behind as the stars were calling to me. Oh, the beautiful poetry I was spouting in my mind that I can never retell... (wished I had a mini voice recorder as it was too dark to write). I have not seen the sky so full of stars for many many nights. There were still fireworks going off somewhere... but I saw no lights or sign of where. It seemed as though the very stars were at war and the resounding echos were cascading down to us from billions of miles in space... and then... ~~Silence~~... I mused a while... alone with my thoughts I can't even remember except that it was new thoughts and I was not thinking of my life at present and that felt very good... I've been in my mind so much these days and I can't seem to get back out. Something I remember musing about (though it was much more eloquent than this retelling) was about how caught up we get in our little microcosym worlds. There's more and more and more we have to do... The walls close in... the walls of your house, the walls of your thoughts, the walls of your immediate responsibilities and committments, the walls of your job... More and more confined and enclosed... It becomes hard to leave. It weighs heavily... But then you do leave and go out where everything is w-i-d-e o-p-e-n... This amazing endless star bejewelled vault is looming overhead and you know it is infinate... and noone really knows *how* infininate... Miles of trees older than all my generations in this country (we stole and exploited)... Countless rivers pouring into the one water from whence we all came... I laid down on the path and did some stretches. The evening was so fine I could've curled up in my hoody and went to sleep under those stars.... There were no walls and I spread my arms to the sky and felt my wilngs unfolding under the layers of care that have been on me of late... and suddenly I felt very free... The only sounds I heard then (after the silence following the loud cacophany relented to the natural sounds around me again) was the river running along its' course, a small streamlet feeding into that river, and frogs... the sound of my heart beating and my breath and my dog licking at... something. I thought a bone perhaps... a stray puddle of water... It was so dark I couldn't tell... Then I started howling and my voice echoed through the woods... and my comm-mates answered that call farther down the trail. We met back up and walked back to the truck. We got back home just after midnight. We went into the main community house to do whatever we needed to do before heading off to our own houses/beds... and then I noticed the blood. Puddles of blood all over the floor and realized one of the dogs was bleeding... It was Siduri... She was bleeding really bad and then I realized what she was lapping at in the woods. I had no idea how much blood she'd lost or what happened, but I applied pressure and wrapped her foot as best I could... and rushed off to Portland to take her to the emergency vet. They advised me that she should stay overnight and be hooked up to I.V's... but I couldn't afford it. What a fucked up choice! It made me sick... my dog could die and I couldn't afford it so they sent us home... I paid for the visit, bandage, and antibiotics which cost over $150 (guess I'm not paying rent this month!). The vet advised me that it bleeds when she walks on it so to keep her somewhere she can lay down... It was a very small puncture wound, but hit a major artery or something. It didn't require stitches. I got home around 4am. I decided to leave her in my car. She has a bed in the back and she's so big she can't really comfortably stand up for long in it and would be forced to lay. She seems very weak and complacent which concerns me as she is a high energy dog, but she ate her breakfast this morning with antibiotics and drank alot of water so that is a good sign towards improvement. I think she will be OK... I hope she will be OK... I love my puppy doggy... Currently listening: Meat Is Murder By The Smiths Release date: By 25 October, 1990

Written 060398:

Amber-Amanita — Wed, 29 Jun 2005 08:12:40 GMT

I once saw this girl... She was calling out to people on the street... "Hey! Please take some of this... I have so much to give... it is only going to waste... The people just kept passing by saying, "No thanks" or "Not interested"... "Please..." she'd say, "I want to share this with you... I have so much... an endless supply..." The people wouldn't even look at her... You'd think she had a disease... "It's Free!", she cried... her voice cracking with a desperate edge... "What's the catch?", someone asked... "There's no catch... here have some..." "No thanks... there's always a catch..." He walked away... She had this light around her... ~~~ It was Fading... ~~~ I saw her some years later... Haggard... Forlorn... Depraved... ~~~ All Light gone... ~~~ "I remember you...", I said... "What were you trying to give?", I asked. She looked up to the direction of my voice... "Love" she said... "but noone wanted it... so it finally consumed me..." I then noticed a large gaping hole in her chest where her heart should've been. Wide-eyed I stared. There was a gorey trail going from her chest to her hand. (She was wearing her heart on her sleeve it seems...) It was still beating. She plopped her heart into my hand. "Here... have some love", she said. This heat flowed from my hand through my pores, my nerve-endings, my veins... Every cell and fibre of my Being was infused with this Heat... this Power... ~~~ This Love ~~~ Her tattered raiment fell away to reveal ~ Pure Light ~ ~ Pure Ecstacy ~ ~ Pure Love ~ This beautiful, glowing, translucent lady all in white shimmered before me... As I beheld her tears were streaming down my face... I heard a voice in my head which said, "Now you know True Love... You Possess it..." She then transformed into a dove and flew away... I looked down at my hand... I held a single white rose...

A Poet's Heart Shipwrecked yet Found...

Amber-Amanita — Wed, 29 Jun 2005 08:00:16 GMT

I'm beginning to question if there really is *one* person for me, or if the True Love I imagined is make-believe... for I think the Love I seek can only be found in the books of another Age. I believe in monogomy, but also polyamory... I know one person cannot possibly fulfill every need, but the right person could fill the ones that matter most... For now, I am content... What will be, will be... I think I need to *attempt* to stop being so idealistic so I can allow new doors of understading and Truth to be opened within myself... but I *am* idealistic and pursue and am true to those ideals - and I have a deep love and respect for myself because of it - but it hinders me from allowing myself to see Other Truths and Views... and I am trying to be more Open, though it's hard sometimes... for I have this Vision and it could become manifest... but it must encompass so much more than I see at this time - for the world *is* multi-faceted and diminsional. While I am in tune with things most people are not, I am closed to others... and at this point in my life everything is wide open. I am at liberty. I have no partner anymore, Melian is older, I live on my own... I feel like a window to my spirit that has been closed since my youth has re-opened and a hidden power that has lain dormant is re-awakening... What does this forbode? Surely my doom... (or salvation). My fire ever sends me flaming into love with reckless abandon... The lighthouse I have sought is lost in the fog or strayed out of the dream... and too often this leaves the vessel that is me at the bottom of the deeps - for it is reckless and I don't heed the rocky shore. All I feel is the wind bearing me on and the cry of the birds and the feel of sea spray upon my face... At whatever cost to myself, I would have it no other way. For I want to FEEL *something* with every fibre of my being - with Purity of Heart. It's a gamble, and the odds are ever against me... but if my hand prevails the rewards are priceless! It is pure faith... and worth the heartache to experience the magick of two souls reunited... My earth wants me to stay grounded and aloof, my air can go either way... and my fire just wants to burn... (alas no water...) I have a poet's heart and desire something that can only be found in the books of another Age... I've come to wonder if there really is *one* person for me... other than myself. I am not seeking it at this time, but am open... I am not running heedless, but the ideal makes me yearn... and I don't want to, yet that's all I want. I always say too much, and never what I really want to say... For the realm of the heart is oft fraught with dangers unseen, and to reveal too much leaves me too open and unguarded and I am too giving and people take advantage because I have this bucket full of something and I need to express and share it so it doesn't consume me. I want to Love and break free of the manacles the world seeks to put me in. I want to run free under the stars. I want to sing out all that I am. I want...

Love's Illusions Lost...

Amber-Amanita — Wed, 29 Jun 2005 07:47:30 GMT

Hope smoulders and ignites... Above clouds of rain stars still shine bright... your words a caress of cool wind on a hot day seem... and almost make the cold fear slough away... and for a moment I almost believed... the Dream lost renewed could be... but still I search for a soul to share... me with me... I am gladdened your Heart has turned from despair to the Light once more... you have now stepped through the door... and the path is laid before your feet... steps come faster with each beat... of heart... of breath... of spiral rhythms... out of mouth in through eye... the spirit's window without panes... from whence waterfalls cascade in flickering light... pounding still in rhythm they fall... into each other one and all...

The Quest for the Chanterelles...

Amber-Amanita — Fri, 17 Jun 2005 01:57:43 GMT

June 3, 2005: I just listened to Cap'N Wormfur whilst playing Uno and tending my fire... so I had to go and put on my pirate hat (which is on my head as I scribe)... Needless to say I got rowdy and Melian was so put out... which made me rowdier (cuz my kid is so so s-e-r-i-o-u-s) Oh Gawd... haha I'm listening to metal while writing this story... how funny... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ So now you will hear a tale of magic wonderment (if you stop staring at the bottom of your empty Grog mug and pay attention!): Starring Amber Amanita, Miica Wisp-her, Siduri, and Melian, Queen of the Elves... (this is a True Tale... though spruced up a bit...) ***The Quest for the Chanterelles*** Once upon a time, there was a maiden most benevolent and fair named Amber Amanita. She had searched the local Forest far and wide but couldn't find any Chanterelles. So one day whilst her friend, Miica was visiting she told her of her plight and that this land did not have Chanterelles. Miica, seeing Amber's sadness said to her, "We will search for land where there are Chanterelles and we will live there in gladness". On their way out of their kingdom and passing the castle Melian stopped them and said, "Where are you going equipped as for a journey?" Amber told the Queen Melian of their quest and Melian said, "I wanna go too!" She then called for her canid Siduri to come with great haste. "We will bring Siduri," she said "for she will warn us of dangers and can track any scent and is swift as the wind!" They searched many lands and traveled many miles. Over rock and under fen they traveled but still found no Chanterelles. They all sat together with heads bowed thinking of where they could now go, when Miica suddenly exclaimed, "We will head for the Coast. There are many forests between us and the Sea far away..." So with Hope renewed they traveled West and North and came to a fork in the road. Amber felt a twinge to go down the left fork but carried on regardless. They came upon a place where they could go no further. At that moment Amber thought, "why didn't you listen to your intuition you nimwit!". So they turned back and when they came upon the fork again, Amber did not falter. They traveled many winding roads when Amber felt she was in need of a rest. She looked around and noticed a sign pointing towards some Falls. We will continue until we come to the Falls, and then we shall break our fast there. Heartily Miica and Queen Melian agreed (and Siduri was beginning to look carriage-sick). Not long after going down the Fall trail a wise old Owl flew directly over Amber and dropped a feather at her feet. "This is an auspicious blessing" she exclaimed and stuck the feather into her dreads. Miica said, "Yay!" and Melian said, "Ah, no fair!" (j/k) Amber started to notice many beautiful mushrooms popping up their little heads everywhere... but still no Chanterelles... But lo! "What are these?" she excitely asks... Can it be? It's not Chanterelles but... <flip flip flip pages> "Oh, F--- yeah!" she exclaimed. "These are magic mushrooms!". Miica, says, "nah-ah!" They suddenly start jumping excitely about while Melian thinks, "cool". They carefully and respectfully gather some specimens into their baskets and continued on. They start coming into new trees and feel a magickal charge. Amber is drawn to a ring of trees and enters the circle. Upon entering the Alders she lays down in the center and looks up into the leaves. She sees a great eye in the interlacing branches and leaves and then closes her eyes. She communes with the spirit in the trees and tells it of her quest. "Your heart is benevolent and I sense no piracy in you. You are welcome here, and I shed my favor upon you". She feels a light upon her brow and opens her eyes. On her way out of the circle she feels an urge to look in the midst of 5 alders growing together and sees a strange creature... she covers it back up and walks out. She calls all to her, "Hearken to me! We will find Chanterelles! They are very close... I have asked the forest spirit to aid me in my quest. Already the day is waning, we must away!" They skipped along the trail and called often to the Forest Spirits, "Lead us to the Chanerelles!" After thrice the call was made they came upon a pine filled glade... And Amber looked and there she saw, something peachy through the moss... "Oh how beauteous fair!", said she. And down she bowed and called to all... "Behold! What do you see? One for you and One for me!" But when they looked around they saw, they were plenty, some for all! Oh, joyous a day that was... And while they did not move to that land, they visit it often when the Autumn winds blow the leaves from the trees... The End

Life ebbs and flows with the tide...

Amber-Amanita — Fri, 17 Jun 2005 01:52:12 GMT

April 2005 / Current mood: contemplative My life has been one constant Mercury Retrograde this past year... I'm glad it's over. Life is starting to feel *normal* again. I will always feel a sadness for what should've been, but what's done is done. I have grown, yet faded from the experience. Lost the part of myself I gave and I can't get it back, nor do I want to. That person has morphed/evolved into something else... I am glad I moved to the country. It was a hard choice, but my intuition was practically screaming at me to do something drastic. Memories lurking in every corner. When we split, I felt like a great tree that was uprooted. I was clinging tenaciously to some imagined foundation on the side of a cliff, but there was nothing for it. I needed to be transplanted into more fertile and level ground, or else slip into ruin. I've always wanted to live on land anyway. Was waiting for a tomorrow that would probably never come. Everything that has happened has steered me towards this path. My last effort to remain in the house my ex and I bought together was foiled. I was left with the gas guzzling van. I bought a super fuel efficient vehicle to commute from PDX to Estacada every day. I spent everything I owned and maxed all my credit cards. A week later the engine blew! It was a blessing in disguise. Funny how the Universe mind-fucks you like that, but truly everything does happen for a reason. Sure I believe in Free Will, but there are definately forces out there way beyond me. I'm feeling true peace of mind (and spirit) for the first time in years. That's priceless... Went camping in the rain a couple weeks ago with Miica at this abandoned shack I found last year. The day we got there it was not raining (yet) and we hiked up and up through the dense trees until it suddenly opened wide to a ridge. We were above the trees and saw nothing but treetops and snowcapped mountains for miles... Mist was rising from the trees and hugging the mountains. I howled and it echoed for a long time... It would stop and then pick up somewhere else - like skipping stones. Went hiking again the next day in the pouring rain til there were puddles *inside* my boots (with raincoat and umbrella!)... Everything was so still... The silence was almost deafening. I could not speak - felt sacriligious to do so. We walked in dirgeful silence in the somber tranquility as if on a funeral procession. A lament for the fading trees... I hiked to the ridge again, but the mountains were veiled in mist and shadow. I sat there awhile and listened to the rain pounding onto my umbrella. I was glad I didn't eat too many mushrooms! The experience was profound in and of itself. Here is a pic...