what the heck is going on!??

Purge

   Tue, April 29, 2008 - 11:28 PM
How is it that one persons perceptions of the past can be so radically different then anothers? Am I in the wrong here? Or have I fallen prey to a very clever and manipulative deflect artist? Why is it so important to me that people see the truth as I see it? How can I move from here into peace, wholeness and love? How can I TRULY let go of this ugliness? I feel toxic. Filled to the brim with useless and meaningless crap. I want to trust that those that are important to me and my path will know the truth. That I am on the path of my own true destiny.. which is outrageously wonderful! I want to trust in my guidance and follow my heart in all things. What does my heart say to do now? In the name of justice I have gone down the path of trying to prove someone wrong. Even if they are wrong this opens the door to much mental riff raff and drama, SOOO beneath my purpose here on earth. What good can I bring out of this? How can I cleanse this toxicity? How can I clean up my mark in the world? I want to always conduct myself with aplomb and reason. I desire to uplift others. I want to trust that I will attract those with similar ideals and morals into my path and experience, and that I will recognize these qualities both in their presence and absence. I want to trust that I will find a way to gracefully distance myself from those my guidance tells me are not as they seem. I want to feel ok about choosing to love some close and others far. I seek always to find understanding, sometimes at a high cost to my own good. I want to know when to say when and know that a timely retreat is the mark of a true spiritual warrior. My conscience is clear. I know who I am. I know what good I do for people both close to me and far. I trust in my integrity and love for all people. I love my high standards, I want to be at peace in knowing not all people can live up to them, and feel love in my heart for them anyway. I trust in this. I trust in my purpose, my flow and the flow of all in my experience. I am grateful for all experience that paves my lifes path. I KNOW that one way or another, around one bend or down the next hill, the universe ALWAYS conspires for the greatest good of all, mine neither above or below any others. I accept letting go. I accept moving on. I accept the healing power of words on a page. I welcome the healing power of others reading these words even if they may not know the impetus. THANK YOU!



13 Comments

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Wed, April 30, 2008 - 12:52 AM
Damn. That was impressive. More please.
Wed, April 30, 2008 - 3:00 AM
>>>want to always conduct myself with aplomb and reason.

yes...hmmm...so well put...yes well, it's good when we know ourselves, and yet, isn't it sometimes awkward when we still see our naivete in trusting others, trusting ourselves, and then finding out that we were wrong wrong wrong...

sometimes we get it right though, and my dear, i hope that you continue up and on the path of high light vibration, as i see that from you....
Wed, April 30, 2008 - 5:38 AM
I can FEEL where you're coming from & the feeling is evident by the goosebumps that just grew on my arms ~ they've been called the "chills of truth" so even though I don't know your story ~ something in your words & energy is very true. Goosebumps are a powerful thing ~ I feel like evoke healing, cleansing & clarity. Imagine we all spoke with such inspiration all the time ~ we'd start a global wave of goosebumps & a heightened level of awareness. Now that's a cool thought that can make us feel small & big at the same time. :) Keep doing your thing, woman ~ you're on the right path.
Wed, April 30, 2008 - 7:08 AM
Many blessings

~V
Wed, April 30, 2008 - 8:25 AM
I can certainly relate.
Sounds to me like you know exactly what you want and how to do it.
As always I am thrilled (I love that phrase 'chills of truth') by your strength, candor, and integrity - thank YOU for sharing with us.
Wed, April 30, 2008 - 8:52 AM
“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.” -- Dr. Seuss
Wed, April 30, 2008 - 9:26 AM
Anah, I feel your anguish, and I can't tell you how much I relate. That place where you know absolutely what your truth is, but feel undermined or spun out of it into a place where you begin to doubt yourself--it's agonizing. I think you hit the nail when you talked about wanting people to see the truth as you see it--there are just times where that is not possible, and it can be truly painful. Having to accept that multiple truths do exist, that people are mercurial and subject to any number of influences of their own choosing and of the universe's--particularly when you know yourself to have been wronged, it's so hard to accept this. You want people to know the truth, or admit the truth, or accept responsibility. Or we fear that we are somehow unable to see people in their true light, and that we will continue to be misled.

But the truth is that we are always subject to being hurt by others' mistakes, whether they acknowledge them or not, and all we can do is have a plan for our own survival when we are affected by others' actions. Setting limits I think is key to letting go and moving on. You have already recognized this through your writing--I'm just saying a really long "Amen"! Wishing you relief from this mental and emotional distress--sending you visions of peace.
Wed, April 30, 2008 - 11:02 AM
Truths
Not sure if there is a wrong path, but I am sure that you are on the right path! "Be that change you want to see in your community". In other words you can not change others, but you can be that change to inspire those around you! U show this and know this better than most. Stay true to you; love you XOXOX
Wed, April 30, 2008 - 11:18 AM
Not much to add, but just sending this...
oxxoxoxxoxoxo
Wed, April 30, 2008 - 12:15 PM
thank you all for your magical words(and hugs and kisses too!).. as hard as this experience has been I feel stronger because of it. love to you all!
xoxxoxoxoo
Wed, April 30, 2008 - 8:55 PM
I am glad to have met you. Your goodness and light radiates out of you with dignity, intelligence, and quiet wisdom.

Inhale peace, exhale love.
Thu, May 1, 2008 - 10:27 AM
I read these words the other night before drifting to sleep and could feel your passion and truth, but was too affected to reply. I felt your words so fully and respect that you chose to reflect on the state and experience rather than the specifics. Surely, this is a process and dilemma we all find at some moment in life. Damn! Why isn't shared memory more objective? It is agonizing and maddening when one feels they know the truth, but it keeps being challenged or ignored through another telling of or re-creation of history. I don't know that I have so much more to add but that I can relate to this state and hope you are finding some peace a few days later....

I received some advice a couple of days ago that encouraged me to continue to speak my truth - Calmy, quiety, persistently.
Wed, May 7, 2008 - 9:58 AM
The Circle of the Spirit
I can't tell you how much this resonates with me...specifically in terms of hoop history and the sometimes harsh twists and turns of that path for me in the last couple years. It is incredibly challenging to want to speak out, let the truth be heard, but be afraid of coming off in a harsh/negative way, just for wanting your TRUTH to be heard...particularly among the paradoxically far flung but close-knit circles that exist within our hoop community.

Thank you for wording this so eloquently and powerfully. I feel you, and hope that purging through these words and intention helps ease the pain of the past. Truly, the skewed mutual memories of shared events can be an incredibly frustrating and hurtful situation. A poem that one of my hoop students and dear friends Mary shared with a small group of us a couple years back tends to uplift me with it's message of Truth becoming clear and solidarity within the Circle. Here goes...

The Circle of the Spirit

I have come
To tell you
Of the Way,

And the Way
Is
The Circle

And the Circle
Is
The Source

And the Source
Is
Life

And Life
Is
The Light

Therefore,
Those of the Circle
Shall drink of the Source
And become as the Light
That lives
And nourishes.

There is no Question
And there is no Answer
That is not
Contained
Within the Circle

Therefore,
Do not ask Why
For the Circle knows,
And
Because you are
Of the Circle

So do you, also, know
And yet
Do not know
Of your Knowing.

But the Circle shall turn
And, in its turning
All Truth
Shall be made apparent.


~by Joan Walsh Anglund