Birthing light

I'm understanding those who have and raise children.

You are responsible for giving society better people who will help BIRTH a better society. If you are a good parent, you will have this in mind, totally. You are raising light.. no matter what your personal bullshit is... you want the next generation to be better and more conscious than you were of our earth and consciousness.

"My children" (my cousins little girls) have almost become my daughters based on the time i spend with them..... I love them and want the best for these lives. I want them to be open minded... i want them to be secure... i want them to be wise.. i want them to be smarter than i was. hahaha..at 17.

This is an interesting idea. It is rather selfish. If done right... Parenthood could be selfish and nourishing...and not traumatic to the child.

Anyhow... I'm wanting to have my own children.... this scares me. I love caring for these lives...and giving them better. Giving. I love this and it's healing for me. is that odd or not?

Lucy in the sky

Everything is completely a blur of doubtful wholesomeness.

Three feelings deduce themselves into one.


Anxious.


The idea of aging.

The idea of success.


All three ideas don't know how to really co-exist but they try and They are doing a great job at doing so. So i give those feeling a treat as if a difficult dog you are in the first three weeks of training and you are trying to get to week four, flawlessly.

There's sheen. A glimmer of color on the drying concrete of what life has taught me so far.

I'm so close but so far. If only the sun would shine so bright that i would feel taught. But we pull ourselves through life to be taught...endlessly.... pulling the thread through the needle.

I've been hanging around two little girls. Two little girls I will call Tera and Firma. One is the tender age of 4 and the other just turned 3. Tera is older and Firma ...well she is younger. They belong to mother who is basically by herself and she's basically making up the rules as she goes along. Being a single mother is an almost impossible task... esspecially if you want to raise children who are healthy...smart...and forward looking instead of backwards and angry at society for not providing them with what they are promised through TV.... the image of the white woman with two hands full with a single sheet of a dozen cookies..alll baked for YOU! Those of us in touched with the reality of THIS being...under Bush...know that we, the grass, are burning...and the leaves smell clean. These two girls have become somewhat of a statue for me. I mean, I wake, they are there. I fall asleep. They are there. Two beautiful girls. My cousins.

By being in close contact with these girls i find myself cooking for them... Making sure they don't swallow beads... or e;ectrocute themselves... I wonder what they are doing when they are in the den and too quiet. I want them to grow up to be respectful, ladies. I think about their well-fair. Will they fair well in the world that waits beneath them for them to fall. And it's caused all this craziness. Like..... The idea of fatherhood. The idea of relationships. The idea of having a life stable enough to provide fully for MY kids. And my kids would KICK Brad and angelina's Kid's bare rainbow asses. I'm certain.

I would raised smart kid's. Unsheltered but not jaded beyond their skin. My kids would moisturize, and fingernails would always scrape the bar of soap when they shower. My Children would be caring...knowledgable about life's inevitabilities. My Children would be Children and not young adults, yet hold the knowledge to birth into such. My kid's won't suck.

All these thoughts envelope me as I spend these days and nights with these two little girls...and find myself actually being parent to them... because my cousin, their mother, is a struggling single mother. My mom was, well IS, a single mother. There's a connect.


All of this avalanches into thoughts... higher thoughts of what my sole purpose on this earth is.

Even into my current lack of real human contact.

I haven't seriously been involved with someone in AGES. Only little blips. Bleeps. Bloppps.

Honestly because after Ben, I didn't know what to do with myself. I moved to San Francisco after my first relationship dissolved and quite honestly I had no clue where my life would go next. I knew that i wanted... to be Found. By myself and everyone else...when in reality...when the whole thing has been lifted up toward the topaz sun...and the rapture has been announced... i knew that i would be there. In the sky...meeting me. Lucy in the sky with diamonds.

I stopped smoking so much pot. Moved to SF... and Got a dose of reality. I'm not the only Lucy looking for sky. Castro... is Lucy looking for the sky.

Back to the Idea of children... I don't know if it's age... or more so being placed around them. Both? dunno.


OK away from that...........

I'm completely happy at the moment being the childless fag I am. The idea of Children represents though the idea of Responsibilty. Which i think might be what I'm gathering.

I'm processing all of this while maintaining my... " life is not meant to be overanalyzed" Thing. I'm Juggling.


I crave to move forward...touch the light...and be golden. To know.... To be known...and that shit is pretty heavy... but i'll dissolve it into a pretty blue sky...and call what i'm reaching for ...the moon. I know that it's there, at least.

Children.(I want a half black and hispanic girl named Sung lee) The boyfriend (without being needy...but being ready). The career. (To strive for and ...adopt)


Before i blow myself up with all of these thought... i realize that.... It's all roads. I'm just really just looking outwards, IN. And I'm thinking....

"well, I'm...... I'm...a fag.... But... I can have...without thinking i'll ever be straight DAD...with PTA, a menopausal wife and a mortgage to get his mind off of his impotence."

Technicolor re-entry

Calm.



The past few weeks have been something that i can only view from a far and be amazed at how out of the blue occurences happened instantaniously without notice.

I did not feel victimized but i felt raped. I walked into something and I had no idea what exactly the contents of that door included and it threatened to change me forever. It did. But a lot of it (it...being what happened over the course of the past few months) was somewhat expected... somewhat instantly understood... i'm smart...I'm savvy... but not smart and savvy enough to understand the un-smart and savvy. The blunt. I can not understand. Blow to my ego. Blow to my mind. Must reconfigure. Must re-establish who Jack is. And for some reason I know that this is actually a blesisng and a shake up should be welcomed. But I don't immediately welcome the reconcieving of the the ideas and notions of Racism and sexual politics I once had because I thought i was on top of that all. I thought i knew it all.

I've just turned 25...i think i should know a thing or two.

But evidently the game changes...the board shifts... the pieces morph and What you thought you knew... you never did after you've crossed an invisable line. The point of this phase is to learn that learning is continious..and as you age... so does your world.

Oh my. What a lesson. My brain is still wrapping itself around itself..like tongues trying to swallow itself down a throat. Your throat.


I'm humbled. How arrogant was i?


I thought i was clear enough to escape such obstacles such as arrogance.

Big lesson.... huge learning curve that will not turn straight even as i age. There will always be knew obstacles...new debris in the road as a travel. New cars... New weather..........Old weather becomes new.

Walking while black

I Just had the scariest, most confsing, fucked up hour of my life. Maybe in the top 5 at least.

While still in Covington Louisiana, I headed out today to do last minute Christmas shopping for someone i forget to buy for. My cousin Teresa dropped me off at Wal-Mart, where i was picking up wired cash. The process was simple. The line to customer Service wasn't very long. My cousin was supposed to circle around and I'd hop back in the Car and we'd go to shopping for a some kind of massage device for my aunt, that my mom wanted me to buy for her.


My anxiety tightened like a steel noose. I've been experiencing the holiday blues and I've been Anxious to get back to California. Plotting and Planning. Apartment hunting and balancing what cash i have in the bank so i come up alright. My mind is whirlpool.... fastly spinning... in motion. I don't wanna be out here on this day, in a wal mart parking lot for that matter.


I leave the Store looking for Teresa and her big deep red suv. To me All Suv's look a like. I never pay attention makes... Cars period confuse me. That's why I tried my damnest to avoid driving one. All i know is that i'm looking for a red SUV...in a huge parking lot. It's cold, and I'm not dressed to wheather. I spend the next 25 minutes furiously going up and down the parking lot hoping to spot her or increase the chances she'll see me. I rushed out of the house so fast that i left my phone. In my fury, i regret that decision. Or lack of... Things were about to get worse.

I wait... more... until i decide that i should just walk home. I feel humilated because i must look strange to people. I notice people looking at me strange.I figure that Its me... my social anxiety. My fear of people... people are wierd and shit. Come on. I think it's a shared feeling. Especially southern people. Louisiana people. In the past mouth my contempt for them has slowly boiled into a rue. A deep dark ruby red hue. I started wearing baseball caps to shield myself form the cold and maybe aid with contact with these people.

It's awful to feel that way. I'm slightly guilted.

I have no clue that the boiling rue of contempt towards a town and a state is about to rise above the lid and spew all over my face. I'm about to get burned.

After spending ALL this time searching for my ride, I exit the parking lot. On my way to exit the parking lot a car cuts in front of me. I speed up doing a fast jog to the closest curb. A guy suddenly appears in front of me with a taser aimed in front my face. I quickly think.... Oh Thats a taser...thats what it look like.

Two guys in Back appear. I hear yelling. My brain goes fuzzy but it's not too fuzzy that i don't catch onto whats happening. They're talking to me...and i should do as they say and get on ground. I'm ordered to put my hands behind my back. I'm frisked...asked if i have any weapons or drugs on me. I lay there for a few minutes. Long enough to access the police had me under suspicion of some "Criminal Miscief" .

I'm lifted up off the ground and pushed on the squad car. Back towards the sky.

I'm getting more upset thinking about this shit.Anyways.....

I stood while the rest of my body lay on the hood of the police car for what seemed an eternity. I was calm for most of... pushing anger and confusion, anxiety as deep as i could...and just remained Tranquil.

"Boy, we CAUGHT you. We been trailing you for 20 minutes watching you go up and down the aisle looking into cars and pulling on handles."

WHAT!

THE

FUCK!!

I told him what i was doing. Why i came there. What i was doing in the parking lot...looking for my cousins car...or her. Why i was looking confused. I was looking for A Red SUV with a fat black girl wearing pink in it.PROLLY eating a hamburger,

"You liar. Look here. You can save your stories. We got people...witnessnes watching you in this parking lot... looking at cars."

Huh!!?

"Were you going to steal some wheels. Is that what you were gonna do."

I can comput. A terrible terrible feeling rushing through me. And this comes at the tail end of an excurciatingly tense and emotional week. I'm too exhausted for this shit. I made my plan to get the fuckout of his town. This man who has me leaning on his car wants to throw me in jail. I calmly tell him that if he checks the survailence cameras, it will show that I was simply walking... albiet confused and stressed out looking.. for my cousin. I Tell him i have never been held by the police. EVER. Arrested? NEVER. Not even a talking to. Nothing.

The Handcuff are tightened. When he got behind me...i didn't think he would let me go for some reason after 10 to 15 minutes outside of the car on my stomach on the hood... so... i wasnt surprised when he tightened them and then put me inb the car.

He told me he could put me in for Criminal Mischief. I don't know what that is... but I took a residue of comfort, all i could muster as my stomach ache, and Began to feel dispair. The Car was tiny. A tomb. I began to get clausterphobic.

I overheard racist shit. Fag shit. In the background between the cops and two employees. The manager of wal mart came out.

"Oh yeah. I know Jack. Didn't we just FIRE you!!!"

Oh my god. I QUIT. So the picture was being painted for me. The no good ex employee who only worked there like 3 weeks (i needed the pay check so i whored out...yeah) and left. I was in the parking lot looking to steal a car or pick some shit out of someones car. Even I felt guilty and shameful.

They eventual let me go. They had nothing to hold me on.

He told me if he would have a clear profile of me... he would have hauled me in...and I would have been in jail for Christmas.

He took my information and told me that if anyone in Wal-Mart complains of something missing from their car.... He's "coming for me."

So there's this looming fear that someone could knock on the door at any moment...and it will be police with their tasers and a full on SQUAT force to "take me down" at like 3 a.m. because some old lady misplaced some shit. I'm "wanted"


wanted for getting lost in parking lot.

Nothing else.

I thought this shit was a myth. One can't ignore the racial implications. Theyw ere quite blatant. But shit like that never happened to me before...i've been lost in parking lot looking for a car before.

And however would they get the idea that i was trying doors is beyond me. They probably looked at the tape...I'm sure and knew they had no shit to hold me on.
I was told to stay away from the premises of Wal-Mart. He sent me on my way...as if i were a no good shit head. I was too relieved and foggy brained to be pissed off. I walked home.

FOUL!! (or Jacks take on the 2girls1cup phenom)

Lewd!

Lascivious!

Fucking Foul!


It was the scat vid heard across the world. Of course, it's a viral ... but the fun wasn't solely in the 50 something second video itself... it was in the reactions of countless people across the world. Go to Youtube. Look up "2girls1cup reactions" you'll get at least half a thousand, counting.


John Waters is probably appalled. Not because of the content which trumps that of Devine in the 70's eating dog shit straight from a small pooches ass.... but he's probally appalled that the masses are all caught on video.... appalled. There's something so non-linear about the stir this extreme porn viral has caused. It proves the theory of the global meme. It restates we are ALL suckers for good rubberneck and that you don't have to drive or have a car to rubberneck. It's all gone digital. We have another deep throat on our hands...and surely the two girls in this video will soon rear their shitty heads and take their 50 minutes of fame.... or maybe not. Youtube has yet another created phenom, with all the people who recorded their response to this BEYOND disgusting display of human non sexuality. It's all just plain amusing.

and scary.

I didn't record my reaction to the clip which features..... EVERYTHING you don't want to see two faux-lesbians doing to each other. It's comedy. Uncomfortable.... but it's John waters come to life. The clip is small but it starts off PRETTY BAD...gets worse... then gets worse. It's live action south park porno! amazing.... but oh so fucked up.

Cartman and Stan can do what these girls did to each other.... and it would be cute fucked up commentary. This.... is just fucked up.

Perhaps the definition.


Another point to the mountain of amazing cultural changes recognized here would be how accessible Taboo is. Counter culture such as the scat play community. This had to have all started with lesbian porn being co-opted. Leather gave way to great BDSM curiosity. The video generation becomes far more disenchanted with what used to feed it's desires. Now it's ALL fair game... even for those who have no such desire. The evolution of the freak show.


Though....


Children...we're talking 11 year olds were featured on youtube's 2girls reaction search. KIDS!!! as young as 11...watching two chicks engage in some raw shit that even boggles my almost 25 year old mind. That's difficult...and crosses my personal moral boundary. And i think i'm pretty open to all sorts of shit. You wont find me underneath anyones ass with a cup.



anyhow.... it's funny though that TWO of the pictures, i took over 3 years ago!!! almost emulate that of the 2girls1cup vid. I remember when i took those i wanted a fucked up gay.com picture. I posted it on gay.com and went to chatting and exactly 5 times in the course of the first week i had those pictures up.... i got a guy who asked me..


"Yo Bro, You into Golden Showers? Thats rare."

A part

It's not like i believe in having a "love life". At my current state, attention is far more gravitated towards righting past wrongs, constructing a future, burning up my past in present fuel than really thinking about anyone else...prompting thoughts about whether companionship is necessary. The obvious answer is that it's for those who want and those who need it. Those who want it end up in satisfying relationships and that i even bother to note that in my thoughts means it means something to me and it does.

Check it out.

So i've been Louisiana for close to four months i believe. I say believe because being in louisiana feels like i would imagine floating in the theory of time being an object and the afterlife being above and out of time. I'm just existing inside of something made of air floating around something fluid...floating around something solid..... but it's all dancing around a maypole. This scenario comes across in my dreams. I dream of Circles.... I dream of poles...and I dream of fluid pouring into a vacum. so..... It's a virus.


Infecting itself through all areas of my life.

I'm living in the North shore actually. The North Shore is across a river from New Orleans which is "lawless'. I'm in suburbia....and I'm restless. I have far to much time on my hands when i'm not working with them. I go three for four week not working and then i'll go three or four weeks working with my hands entirely. The money is good. so i work.

I Just took up a second a job to take up the non the work hours because..... I get bored and when i get bored I go insane......and I need Lots of money. I feel the screws tighten as i near 25. 25 to me is half way to 30. It's somewhat fatalistic to think in terms of numbers but truthfully... if you are 30 and haven't accomplished at least 3% of what you feel you want to do with you life then...something is wrong. I don't want to feel something is wrong....because i know there is.


Or maybe it's self imposed pressure. Maybe it's Good to push yourself under the microscope. To put the heat under your skin instead of under. I need to move. But i went about it backwards by NOT moving. I moved to Louisiana. Took up wit uncle and wal-mart....oh please don't send me shit through here about my part-time wal-mart job. Yes I know how evil they are.

Point is.... that I figured more money and more hording of that money would eventually lead to freedom. Every Friday and saturday i spend alone...in a house with CHILDREN.... i start to gnaw at my jaws. I get tense. I should be at a club... picking up dishes...making a complete fool of myself...and...i'm not......


NOT is the operative word here. HERE. In this confined space.

I let myself out of my box by traveling to New orleans last weekend. Last friday to be exact. I went with intentions of falling in bed with a hot southern guy and woke up next to fat southern guy who told me in the first few minutes of meeting him he was sexually abused by another fat southern guy. My plans? dashed. No. Obliterated.

Damn.


San Francisco and New orleans.... not different. Must reach further.


So...i continue.

Another World

I felt a bit disgusted in the pit of my stomach when my Cousin Emily, a 36 year old single woman, with two small children discussed her reaction to gays... in particular an unveiling situation currently existing involving her brother who is in his early 30's, with four children who is having a relationship with a guy but has yet to announce it with bells and whistles. Actually he hasn't announced it all, he's just gone about pursuing a relationship with this lad, raising one of his four kids with him, living together as a family. My Cousin, Jonah, has not announced to his father, my great uncle by marraige, that he's gay.

Emily and engaged in a conversation about Jonah's predicament and in no shape or form could engrave in her mind that Jonah is in a pretty awful situation. Her family is deeply religious, raised in the south. I , thankfully, wasn't. I was raised in Southern California and came out at 16. I instinctively knew that i couldn't live under the constant fear of being "found out"...and that i really had nothing to loose. Whereas Jonah has 4 kids, a family, ex wives and jobs tied to personal decision to pursue his already born desires to seek relationships with men. BORN.

To Emily, she's upset with her brother for doing this now and wonders why he didn't do it earlier. While sitting face to face, i just sat and listen, somewhat befuddled by the words coming out her mouth, while also wondering WHY was I so shocked.

"I just don't get homosexuality. I don't judge, but the bible says it's wrong, but hey! It's not my place to tell him he's going to hell. That's his choice to live this lifestyle."

Of course i go for the now standard gay kneejerk reply " It's not a choice...."

Then she lands a humdinger on me comparing homosexuality to "going out to comit a crime. Robbery or murder."

I felt betrayed.

Was this the same woman i had been spending close time with in the same house for the past 3 weeks. Was this same woman i had felt comfortable talking about my gay friends in Castro... my job at gay bars... my trouble with finding guys my age..and my current ban on dating until i reach my dreams. Because my sexuality does not rule my life but is an integral part of it, as it helps to define my life as unique from everyone elses. Instead of being upset over a bad experience with female date, it's a male date. Dynamics change. I had no clue that she was... As i thought in my head.. One of THEM.

I was unsettled. Unsettled because of her. Unsettled because i had to hide an oncoming cringe and seat squirm. I looked at her eyes... and saw nothing but "enemy".

Because there's no way i could have continued the conversation, in which she wanted answers, without giving answers she did not deffinitely want to hear. And that she could compare homosexuality to choosing to rob a joint, or take a life and THEN explain further her statement saying: "I Believe it's born in all of us... both homosexuality and heterosexuality. We choose which one to follow"...well... that only proved to me she wasn't intelligent enough to handle intelligent conversation with an actual gay male on the issue. She didn't even understand the nature of what she was saying to me. Didn't cross her mind.

I felt almost like an intellectual snob.

I felt immediately sorry for Jonah. I feel BAD for Jonah, Because he nearing mid 30's with 4 children, three different baby mothers and a terse current relationship with a man. I feel REALLY BAD because all these seemingly external additions are connected like limbs to a rather internal issue. His sexuality. 34 years in the closet, now he decides to come out, but sort of half-assed. He's slinking out. It's completely understandable though, at least to me because i feel REALLY REALLY BAD, that he has to come out to what exactly kept him in, This African American Southern Christian institution, that is a strange mixture of striving for independence and civil rights and consciousness in a minority community. On the other hand they're a still water pond for hatred, suppression, ignorance and hypocrisy.

Christianity and Catholicism period, across the greater base contain these traits and attitudes towards the queer community, yet harbor concern for social ills that actually are symptoms of their ignorance. I knew this at an early age. At 16, I got the fuck out. I did not care about how was going to be preceived by my religious family members because i figured i had nothing left to lose. My immediate family members are all detached from each other emotionally anyways. I figured, if i was going to hell, i'd go into hell having known some heaven. A peace of mind, and a little lighter because i was nuerotic to boot. While I was disgusted at Emily's ignorance and stuborness, and while Sad and sympathetitic about how thick the river of shit Jonah would have to wade through to reach land, I found some room inside myself to feel relief. I felt.....................................Lucky.


Emily continued on...and fucked that all up.

We moved on to her brother.


It seems her fathers side of the family is gossiping about Jonah, who has a close friend who he is raising his youngest child with. That close friend is his boyfriend. I know more than she knows because Jonah has found some comfort in me. He talks, I listen. He and I have nothing in common except for being Homo. He's older than I. I was raised an only child on the west coast by an understanding yet over-protective liberal "serial student" mom. He was raised in the south, with two other siblings in the church. He revealed that he was harassed in school for being "faggy looking". Jonah is attractive, with soft looks. He balances it with the overly macho complex blended in with his love for doing hair. He roamed from marraige, to marraige...woman to woman...and had four kids. Which he revealed to me he had because............ he resented being called gay. Teased for being "sweet".

Jonah did however as a child and teen and then an adult, become great friends with his cousin (my cousin as well) Billy. Cousin Billy was a flaming queen. He came out young as well. He did drag. He was assertive in sexuality. He owned his sexuality. Didn't care what people said about him...but somehow he did manage to stay really close to the entire family. ..meaning aunts and uncles and his cousins. Billy died three years ago suddenly and quite tragically. Jonah was heartbroken. Around this time Jonah began to take steps to explore his desire to date men, which he claims was there but not. He says that he is bi-sexual now, but with a strong sexual preference for men, but still finds himself attracted to women. When his best friend and confidant, openly gay Billy Died.... Jonah reached out and began to date for "freinds only". When Jonah found his new BEST male friend in , openly gay, Kieth; Jonah's family thought he was merely replacing his favorite gay cousin, whom he merely tolerated for years.

Nuhhhh Uhhhhh!


So i became particularly upset when Emily displayed her anger towards her brother Jonah for "switching stream mid journey". To her, he endangered his family and will make his children's lives difficult. I became more noxious, yet still putting on my bestest frozen "i'm listening to you" stare, when she added:

"Ya, Know? I don't know if Billy is in hell. To me all of my family members are in heaven. I don't want to have to worry about my brother going to hell. But this is choice. He just didn't consider all of us involved."

VOMIT! I needed a bag and quickly.

The tone of her voice gave way to a greater reason in her thinking. It's as if, she could understand but she really doesn't. Because ignorance IS bliss. Sometimes, if not most of the time we like to hide ourselves away from ourselves. We can choose a variety of utilities to aid us in understandable blindness. For, i believe, life is not convienient. It doesn't wait for us to be emotionally available in order to hand us truths. Truth can be cold and sharp. So we reach for the sheets to cover over our heads and the pillow to hug fetus style while we cope. Heroine. Alcohol. Crystal Meth. Pot. A snickers Bar. The Bible.

For some the bible is the easiest way to ease transition or just plain avoid it. You have these words that spell out these rules and promises all set in ink that looks like stone. It promises something better if you do this or that. It promises you forgiveness if you fall. It will give you eternal life or a brand new Honda or some pussy if you're good enough. If you are good enough. and Enough can be stretched. Bottom line: The bible is the boy or girlfriend you'll never have and the boy or girlfriend you'll never want to have because they'll send you straight to hell if you fall out of line too much.

Thinking of Billy in Hell was far too much for me. But again i don't believe in hell. It's certainly a state of mind. I believe in life beyond flesh. I believe in spirituality and that's exactly why i find extensive harm in one believing that anyone is going to hell for whatever reason. I actually find it plain stupid. These same people don't believe in germs and believe the earth is flat.


I steered Emily out of conversation with me. I saw her the morning and didn't feel the same. I still don't. I helped her with taking the kids trick or treating. I gave out Candy to greedy ass kids, who don't wait to be gifted with free candy but like to grab. I did so with a smile. A far cry from San Francisco. Which i miss. A temporary move to Philadelphia for work is right after thanksgiving.

As for Jonah. This story is still unwinding. I feel as if i hit the jackpot in terms of me not having to wait to 33 or 34 to truely be content with my sexual orientation. Just the thought of living in THAT world, the world where you are constantly afraid of god smitting you and sending you to hell for who you ARE, and having people around me involved in my personal life to that extent that they shape my decisions, to the point i purposefully have children and marry. Its preposturous.

Caucasian Rights? Nigga please.

www.caucasianrightsfoundation.com/i...ml


Thoughts.

I want to know what you think. Unabridged.

In the boonies

I knew what i knew what i was going to jump into when i made the first step into the puddle. I knew i was going to all wet "n' shit' " when i made the decision to move to the south. Louisiana to be exact... to be more exact...Covington Louisiana. No sidewalks. No huge malls. No Diesel/ No Macy's. No hip coffee shop offering free wifi. No Thai food resturaunt on every corber. I felt scared. This was new but completely ordinary.


For your information: i was Born in Memphis TN. I spent most of my life thus so far in Southern California raised by scary cultish religious fanatics. I thus, grew anxiety towards the end of the world and I grew anxious to escape it. I did not understand that i would have to understand where my mother wwas born and raised to understand why and how i got so fucking nuerotic. I think at some point we all have to do that digging. I'm of the belief everyone is nuerotic. AND that's because and based on the old sayin' , no one gets through life unscathed. It's true. Look at the rising prozac or whatever anti-depresant prescription rate amongst our fellow humans. We are.... fucked.


anyhow.



I left Sf for many reasons and I found myself in Louisiana doing construction work for my uncle. He haphazardly owns his own business that caters to hotels such as Hampton Inn and Sleep Inn and even Holiday Inn. He is inn. I moved here first foremost because my was broke and sick. Secondly I was bored of san Francisco and i hated what i felt this city that i loved was turning me into. I needed to move somewhere cheeper to be able to combat at least half of why i was becom9ing an automat. Unfeeling. Concerned only of living by numbers but never by living. Living....is something to concern yourself with...numbers... they matter. How to juggle? How to Juggle.

Period.

Declaritive.


I made arrangements to move in with my Great Aunt Rose. My grandmother who has an open room denies, yes... i said denies me access because of her Pure hatred of me. I thought it was a myth until i moved here and saw her evil bi-polarness at work. My aunt Rose has since become somewhat of a substitute grandmother who confirms i am i good person..... worthy of living in their house. Her husbnand even gave me a job... my uncle Therman. These are southern folks. My grandmother denies homophobia yet she did mention that she believe i am gay because i am "insecure in my heterosexuality"... but she denies it.

I have kept family at a distance since i was 19. Family, as in my grandmother..... and my step grandfather...and my grandfather...my mothers sister... and her other sister.. because i could not dea with anymore bullshit than what i already had on my plate. I am far more free-spirited than the rest of my close family. and they think i'm wierd. When i was 17 singing Radiohead songs in common areas it creeped them out... (hehe...that was funnay).

My mother is a black sheep as well because she's unmarried....fat....and doesn't realy have her own. She has Low low self esteam. No wonder! I propelled myself into this because i needed to. I needed to save money in a place in which i would not spend too much money. Basically...somewhere cheep. I needed to go somewhere quiet because I am bi-polar like that (my grandma is too...why she's a bitch)


This is actually what someone like myself does. We go into hiding.........and thirst for quiet. I have spent more time doing introspective projects. I started making tons of cash from my uncle's business.... major cash which means alot. But it doesn't register towards my family. Keep in mind... I was brought up in a bubble and the only people i can really trust to help me out are those in my nuerotic religious family. I can't speak to them about collective consciousness. I can't talk to them about even one paving their own destiny through thought...postive thought...through consciousness. But I feel compelled to be with them.....

I shrug.

My plan is layed out.


I have done cleansing of sorts. Spiritual cleansing of sorts. Recognizing..i have one.... I feel like a child going backwards. I cant masterbate anymore...yet...i so badly want to fuck. what do i want. I want ........I want......


I want to never want.

No need.

Attention Tribe Friends

I'm trying bulk up my myspace and invite those of you who are my Tribe Friends and also have Myspace Pages to join me in friendship on myspace!

www.myspace.com/madjackkash


Warmest Regards

~Mjk