I knew what i knew what i was going to jump into when i made the first step into the puddle. I knew i was going to all wet "n' shit' " when i made the decision to move to the south. Louisiana to be exact... to be more exact...Covington Louisiana. No sidewalks. No huge malls. No Diesel/ No Macy's. No hip coffee shop offering free wifi. No Thai food resturaunt on every corber. I felt scared. This was new but completely ordinary.


For your information: i was Born in Memphis TN. I spent most of my life thus so far in Southern California raised by scary cultish religious fanatics. I thus, grew anxiety towards the end of the world and I grew anxious to escape it. I did not understand that i would have to understand where my mother wwas born and raised to understand why and how i got so fucking nuerotic. I think at some point we all have to do that digging. I'm of the belief everyone is nuerotic. AND that's because and based on the old sayin' , no one gets through life unscathed. It's true. Look at the rising prozac or whatever anti-depresant prescription rate amongst our fellow humans. We are.... fucked.


anyhow.



I left Sf for many reasons and I found myself in Louisiana doing construction work for my uncle. He haphazardly owns his own business that caters to hotels such as Hampton Inn and Sleep Inn and even Holiday Inn. He is inn. I moved here first foremost because my was broke and sick. Secondly I was bored of san Francisco and i hated what i felt this city that i loved was turning me into. I needed to move somewhere cheeper to be able to combat at least half of why i was becom9ing an automat. Unfeeling. Concerned only of living by numbers but never by living. Living....is something to concern yourself with...numbers... they matter. How to juggle? How to Juggle.

Period.

Declaritive.


I made arrangements to move in with my Great Aunt Rose. My grandmother who has an open room denies, yes... i said denies me access because of her Pure hatred of me. I thought it was a myth until i moved here and saw her evil bi-polarness at work. My aunt Rose has since become somewhat of a substitute grandmother who confirms i am i good person..... worthy of living in their house. Her husbnand even gave me a job... my uncle Therman. These are southern folks. My grandmother denies homophobia yet she did mention that she believe i am gay because i am "insecure in my heterosexuality"... but she denies it.

I have kept family at a distance since i was 19. Family, as in my grandmother..... and my step grandfather...and my grandfather...my mothers sister... and her other sister.. because i could not dea with anymore bullshit than what i already had on my plate. I am far more free-spirited than the rest of my close family. and they think i'm wierd. When i was 17 singing Radiohead songs in common areas it creeped them out... (hehe...that was funnay).

My mother is a black sheep as well because she's unmarried....fat....and doesn't realy have her own. She has Low low self esteam. No wonder! I propelled myself into this because i needed to. I needed to save money in a place in which i would not spend too much money. Basically...somewhere cheep. I needed to go somewhere quiet because I am bi-polar like that (my grandma is too...why she's a bitch)


This is actually what someone like myself does. We go into hiding.........and thirst for quiet. I have spent more time doing introspective projects. I started making tons of cash from my uncle's business.... major cash which means alot. But it doesn't register towards my family. Keep in mind... I was brought up in a bubble and the only people i can really trust to help me out are those in my nuerotic religious family. I can't speak to them about collective consciousness. I can't talk to them about even one paving their own destiny through thought...postive thought...through consciousness. But I feel compelled to be with them.....

I shrug.

My plan is layed out.


I have done cleansing of sorts. Spiritual cleansing of sorts. Recognizing..i have one.... I feel like a child going backwards. I cant masterbate anymore...yet...i so badly want to fuck. what do i want. I want ........I want......


I want to never want.

No need.