Everything is completely a blur of doubtful wholesomeness.

Three feelings deduce themselves into one.


Anxious.


The idea of aging.

The idea of success.


All three ideas don't know how to really co-exist but they try and They are doing a great job at doing so. So i give those feeling a treat as if a difficult dog you are in the first three weeks of training and you are trying to get to week four, flawlessly.

There's sheen. A glimmer of color on the drying concrete of what life has taught me so far.

I'm so close but so far. If only the sun would shine so bright that i would feel taught. But we pull ourselves through life to be taught...endlessly.... pulling the thread through the needle.

I've been hanging around two little girls. Two little girls I will call Tera and Firma. One is the tender age of 4 and the other just turned 3. Tera is older and Firma ...well she is younger. They belong to mother who is basically by herself and she's basically making up the rules as she goes along. Being a single mother is an almost impossible task... esspecially if you want to raise children who are healthy...smart...and forward looking instead of backwards and angry at society for not providing them with what they are promised through TV.... the image of the white woman with two hands full with a single sheet of a dozen cookies..alll baked for YOU! Those of us in touched with the reality of THIS being...under Bush...know that we, the grass, are burning...and the leaves smell clean. These two girls have become somewhat of a statue for me. I mean, I wake, they are there. I fall asleep. They are there. Two beautiful girls. My cousins.

By being in close contact with these girls i find myself cooking for them... Making sure they don't swallow beads... or e;ectrocute themselves... I wonder what they are doing when they are in the den and too quiet. I want them to grow up to be respectful, ladies. I think about their well-fair. Will they fair well in the world that waits beneath them for them to fall. And it's caused all this craziness. Like..... The idea of fatherhood. The idea of relationships. The idea of having a life stable enough to provide fully for MY kids. And my kids would KICK Brad and angelina's Kid's bare rainbow asses. I'm certain.

I would raised smart kid's. Unsheltered but not jaded beyond their skin. My kids would moisturize, and fingernails would always scrape the bar of soap when they shower. My Children would be caring...knowledgable about life's inevitabilities. My Children would be Children and not young adults, yet hold the knowledge to birth into such. My kid's won't suck.

All these thoughts envelope me as I spend these days and nights with these two little girls...and find myself actually being parent to them... because my cousin, their mother, is a struggling single mother. My mom was, well IS, a single mother. There's a connect.


All of this avalanches into thoughts... higher thoughts of what my sole purpose on this earth is.

Even into my current lack of real human contact.

I haven't seriously been involved with someone in AGES. Only little blips. Bleeps. Bloppps.

Honestly because after Ben, I didn't know what to do with myself. I moved to San Francisco after my first relationship dissolved and quite honestly I had no clue where my life would go next. I knew that i wanted... to be Found. By myself and everyone else...when in reality...when the whole thing has been lifted up toward the topaz sun...and the rapture has been announced... i knew that i would be there. In the sky...meeting me. Lucy in the sky with diamonds.

I stopped smoking so much pot. Moved to SF... and Got a dose of reality. I'm not the only Lucy looking for sky. Castro... is Lucy looking for the sky.

Back to the Idea of children... I don't know if it's age... or more so being placed around them. Both? dunno.


OK away from that...........

I'm completely happy at the moment being the childless fag I am. The idea of Children represents though the idea of Responsibilty. Which i think might be what I'm gathering.

I'm processing all of this while maintaining my... " life is not meant to be overanalyzed" Thing. I'm Juggling.


I crave to move forward...touch the light...and be golden. To know.... To be known...and that shit is pretty heavy... but i'll dissolve it into a pretty blue sky...and call what i'm reaching for ...the moon. I know that it's there, at least.

Children.(I want a half black and hispanic girl named Sung lee) The boyfriend (without being needy...but being ready). The career. (To strive for and ...adopt)


Before i blow myself up with all of these thought... i realize that.... It's all roads. I'm just really just looking outwards, IN. And I'm thinking....

"well, I'm...... I'm...a fag.... But... I can have...without thinking i'll ever be straight DAD...with PTA, a menopausal wife and a mortgage to get his mind off of his impotence."