Monday March 10.
I met someone yesterday who in a lot of ways proves the old saying “Too smart for his own good”. Ken suffers. He suffers in large part because he intellectualises everything and thinks himself into corners. This morning the meditation was simply cultivating Karuna towards Ken.

Tuesday March 11.
I begin the meditation with Ken, then proceed to myself and finally Fred. The mind is relatively settled.

Wednesday March 12.
I begin with Fred, then myself and finally Ollie. The mind is calm and happy.

Thursday March 13.
I begin with Fred, then myself, then Mark and finally every being in my street.

Friday March 14.
I begin with Mark, then myself and finally my father. I recollect the pointlessness of anger towards him.

Saturday March 15.
I begin with Mark, then myself, then Ollie. The mind is peaceful.

Sunday March 16.
Due to gravity attacking me whilst I cycled to the city yesterday I’m more than a little sore and weary. I sat late….7 a.m. and didn’t have much of a sit due to the soreness, dogs barking at hot air balloons etc., I simply used my father this morning. The mind is dull.

Monday March 17.
I begin with Mark, then myself, then Ollie. There is a barking dog nearby, a Bull Terrier by the sounds of it. You can imagine how irritating the barking is at 5 a.m. “May all dogs be free from their pain and sorrow”. The mind likes this and is calm and happy.

Tuesday March 18.
After having had three people in the last six months unintentionally walk into my scar tissue I’ve decided to do something about it. There are parts of my childhood where it has simply been too painful to go to. I know what is behind the doors I’ve refused to open….a frightened four year old.
This morning the Karuna was initially towards my brother Mark. Then “May I be free from the scar tissue from my childhood”. Notice how I’m not assigning a cause for the scar tissue. I am simply accepting that it’s there and is a cause for suffering. Designating a cause won’t help, if anything it will reinforce an anger. I don’t care where the scar tissue comes from, it simply matters that it’s there.

Knocking on Doors
The time is coming,
When I will have to visit,
The long neglected places of my heart.
Soon I will wander back to the places I fled,
So long ago.
Soon I will begin knocking on doors,
And holding the little boy who answers.
Soon I will hold the fear and confusion.
Soon I will cry again the tears of not understanding,
Soon I will cry the tears of fear,
Soon they will be gone.

Wednesday March 19.
The meditation is simply: “May I be free from the pain and scar tissue from my childhood.” There is a sense of sadness, of grief in me.

Thursday March 20.
I simply use the same recitation as yesterday. The mind is dull. Still sore from the bruising.


Friday March 21.
I again use the recitation from March 19. The mind likes it. Or to put it this way, it’s a lot more content to be with this recitation. So far neither bliss nor pain have arisen.

Monday March 23.
The mind is full of conversation regarding an e-mail from a friend that essentially told me that any idea that I might be able to catch a 19 year old is pure fantasy. I’m not a happy boy. The fact of the matter is that I have had a number of women in their late teens/early 20’s express interest in me. At first it was quite unsettling. But apparently it is the life experience that is attractive….. I’ m told I don’t look anywhere near my age, so being easy on the eye doesn’t hurt. I’ve also been picked up by someone who wasn’t a student at a university market. So this was in my head. Also what irks is that the long term partner of the friend in question wasn’t a 185 cm, 120 kg Adonis, he was a ratty looking, 50 kg drug addict….someone I found physically repulsive.
Apart from this, the mind is happy with the meditation.

Tuesday March 24.
A short meditation. The mind is again full of e-mails.