Let's help each other out..
the economy sucks and most of us
are looking for ways to cut corners..
That's what my new tribe is all about.
We have quite a few tips and tricks already
and the more folks we get in the more
tips and tricks we will have..
Hell I've learned a lot in just one day..

Check it out.. I'll see ya there :0)
hugs,
anni
tribes.tribe.net/cafeanni

Today's my birthday. I'm officially 53 yrs. young. All I wanted was one stress free; do anything I feel like day.

... got up ... checked on Mom... had some coffee... sneezed up a gallon of ... bleh...
I've been sick for over two weeks.. some of this is no doubt from stress..

I carefully planned myself a relaxing day...
all went well... for a few hours... then the bone pain set in... still I remained stress free..
not like pain's anything unusual in my world..

Had a lovely conversation with my daughter and two grandsons..
Checked the tv guide.. yay good stuff on tv to veg in front of...
decided to treat myself to a nice gluten free fried chicken dinner...

ha.. what was I thinking?!

The roommate just had to start crap... all I wanted was a nice calm stress free flippin' day...
oh well... the chicken came out great... and the night is young...
even if I'm not.. lmao...

The further in mom and I go into this bad oxygen saturation.. or dementia or whatever the bleep this is....
the more I don't like it. She's always been mean... especially to me...
I'm trying to be patient.. but honestly I am NOT the person who should be taking care of her...
she makes this more obvious everyday... sorta... she hates me...
I think she's trying to chase me away... ya know... today its working...

I quit going to the store or anywhere else with her decades ago... now I've died and gone to hell...

Today I was not allowed to open my mouth... all others were allowed to say whatever they wanted...
even to repeat my words .. that was fine...
I was not allowed to talk... each time I said anything... anything at all...
she jumped down my throat and told me to "shut up!"

for years she's been sucking me in and spitting me out... convincing me that its different this time... only to
give me the shaft in any number of hurtfull ways... years and years and years....

now... she needs me... and I understand this... I am doing my level best to do right by her...
she just wants to tell me to shut up... she lies to people about me... uses me... treats me like crap...
no matter how kind I am ... how loving... how patient.... she's mean ....

I can't handle this... I admit it... I can not do this....
yet... no matter how many times I cry these words... no one comes
to my rescue... no escape... ... ... pretty sure I died and went to hell....

at this point I won't even be alone with her... I don't want her fabricating crap...
... that's all I need....
not to mention she tried to smack me in Dec.

and the journey continues...
one of us lost in space...
and one of us desperately needs to escape from hell... :,(

Dementia is not something I ever wanted to deal with.

However, I find myself in an inescapable situation.

Due to Oxygen deprivation my mother has a serious problem with her memory.

I am only beginning to understand the ins and outs of this thing that has robbed a woman who was once as sharp as a tack of her mind.

Its sad to watch her try to act like she's still in control.

Sadder still to see that she has cigarette burns in rugs, clothing, and bedding.

This didn't come on suddenly, in fact it caught me by surprise.

She's always been a forceful , controlling person who could take care of herself in spite of most odds.

I am relearning how to deal with her.

A woman I once referred to as "mommy dearest" because she was a control freak.

I can no longer argue with her that she can't run my life the way it once was.

Now, she is freaked out and afraid to admit that she has to lean on me.

I am a kind and gentle person in frail health myself so she is in no danger of me harming her mentally or physically.

Its weird. Most of the time she seems so lost, so docile; this is not the Mom I know.

Funny thing about mothers... no matter what you go through with them they are there for you when the chips are down and visa-versa.

I have spent the last 5 days crying to the point my eyes and face are chapped, yet only once in her presence.

I've lost sleep, not eaten like I should and wore myself out trying to put her once immaculate house back in order the way she's always liked it.

Today I obtained the book her doctor suggested I read.

Mom and I are on the first part of a long journey I suspect.

There are legalities to learn.

There are serious concerns about her safety and the safety of others.

Above all there is a serious concern about my own sanity because if I can't remain sane I can't help her.

I will use this blog to document our journey together.

I will use this blog to help me maintain my sanity.

One important thing keeps coming to me ... its a poem by Rudyard Kipling called "If".

I will also use this blog to search for other's in my predicament.

I need all the help I can get.

Please feel free to add comments you are most certainly welcome here.

I will use this blog to combat the isolation that is trying to absorb me.