rosh hashana is about to begin. every year i seem to have a new relationship to this day.
i have decided to attend synagauge this year. for the past 2 years i have been alone on these days of inspiration. the theme of these 10 days (from rosh hashana to yom kippur) is teshuva- often mistranslated as repentance, literally means "returning".

so im returning. returning to myself- who i really am. yeah, so i'm going to synagauge bc i figured i can suffer alone, or i can suffer in a community. i choose community. i choose not to be super judgemental (which i usually am when found in religiouse institutions). i wont agree with the words of many prayers. i wont like all the singing, i will find much of it heartless and ritualistic. i may find the rabbi's serman to be too forced and perhaps not from the heart.
well i dont care. i forgive all of them ahead of time.

returning returning. thats the theme of this time of year. when everything is shedding itself. nature is humbling itself. the trees are saving it's evergy in preparation for the cold darker days ahead. soon we wont move as fast, we will depend on physical clothes and physical shelter to survive. we are more dependent in the winter. we must return to who we are so that we can be humble enough to receive what we need to survive.

humilty. i see myself still eating a lot. i crave sugar. thats ok. this is my body telling me something.
writing this blog (my first time utilizing this function) is giving me strength. all i need is to submit this so that i know at least one person will read it.
then i will be received. i will be more known and more loved. and that is what i crave. expression. communication. community.
i can suffer alone, or i can suffer with others. i recognize that i am not alone. i am never alone. what i feel is felt by millions. what i think is thought by millions.
i become an individual when i share these universal feelings and thoughts. no longer pent up inside, rotting in my gut.
emotions will always find a way to express themselves. if you dont do something intentionally express them, they will find thier own way out. usually in the form of something destructive.

the words rosh hashana mean "head of the year" shana (year) shares the same root letters as the word shina (change) w/out vowels, an alternative way of reading the name of this holy day is "the head of change" that is "the new change".

i am prepared to shed my leaves, to become humble.
i just realized that in hebrew, the words for humble and cloud phonetically sound the same.
clouds are just condensed moisture. thier ultimate end is to precipitate. to release the tension of rain and nourish the earth.

ari moshe