Female

24

I must admit I'm not very good at these sort of things, I never know what to say nor how detailed I should be. So I will just tell the truth about me and trust it will be ok. I am a biological women i.e. "born female" who from birth was reassigned male by my parents (particularyly my father, who is still a doctor today and had the power, money and resources to make the reassignment happen, though my mother had an equally large part and responsibility in this as well. Father has profitted from this, specializing in the neoroscience and neorology field around pediatric socialization and the like while mother believes she got the intended result she wanted. The paradox is of course, the healthier and better I get, the more abusive and ruthless they become). There was no consent to the horrific unneccary, unneeded sex reassignment inflicted upon me throughout my life, (obviously since this all started when I was an infant and didn't stop till the midst of my adolescance, I was lied to any time I asked ANY questions about the reassignment and showed signs of my awareness of it. I was also horribly abused as a response to such questions, both to keep me quiet and because I am not the SON they tried to make me into through their "special project" as they used to refer to before they divorced of which my father and other doctors involved profitted off of, both in reputation and in career) or reason for these atrocities to occur, my body is and has always been in every fashion 100% biologically female. There were never and are never any natural androgynous attributes about my anatomical make up. This is no small detail either! Fortunately my body is healthier then it's ever been now.

There were three variables to the sexual reassignment I survived and continue to survive thoough, even finally begin to thrive...Surgical reassignment, hormonal reassignment and psychological/social reassignment. I say reassignment because I wasn't born any different in ANY way from ANY other normal healthy women, no confusion existed of what sex I am at any level. The surgical reassignment was all about adding shit on to my body that would pass in appearance, function, and hopefully mimic male fluids as normal "male equipment" does (if they could pull it off) and that's exactly what was done, the surgeries happened and were inflicted upon me from the time I entered the world till when I was 5 years old. The surgeries were focused on adding on flesh and implant junk to my body so that it may pass as "male equipment" which also involved re-aligning and re-attaching some of my born anatomy. Fortunately, none of my born anatomy was removed, closed, or severly damaged short of unhealthy neglect. During the years of my surgeries, roughly around the time I was 1 years old, my birth certificate, along with every other personal record of importance was also changed...my original female name was changed to a male name, which still exists on my ID, birth certificate and other legal papers...and my sex on my birth certificate was changed from F for female to M for male, also still existing on my legal papers and ID. I stumbled upon this when I got my first authentic copy of my birth certificate when I was 18 living at a homeless shelter. This copy was so old, it had been written with a typewriter and the erased letter engravings were visible and easily sensed through touch, they also refracted from any light source vividly.

The hormonal reassignment started when I was born, as testasterone(the primary male hormone) injections till I was seven years old, which transformed into being mixed with psyche medication for diagnosis's that never existed, which only made me exhibit the symptoms of the very diagnosis that was induced because the meds literally caused the opposite effects! I was a not a pretty sight! I was forced to take this growing pill cocktail as a minor from the age of 7 to the age of 18. Ritalin was given to counteract the enhanced aggression and spurts of energy induced from the male hormone testasterone. Progesterone was also laced into these medicine cocktails when I was thirteen, and had my first period and my adolescance, which I'm still in the midst of began. The only reason why the progesterone was added was to keep the natural functions of my body where I unharmed healthy enough to avoid fatal results. My parents goal is to transform me into their fantasy, not kill me...well at least not directly! Thankfully I got a reevaluation at 18, and for the first time my body began to recover from this horrifying lifetime of torture, abuse, and cruelty.

The psychological/social reassignment pretty much speaks for itself, my parents, and my fathers doctor comrades and any other doctors that I encountered throughout my life tactfully attempted through abuse, intimidation and lies to transform my female inhibitions, instinctual behaviors, thought process, etc into that of a males, or at least a male by mainstream societal standards(no offense to any mainstream folks). With the changes in all my personal records and medical records I'm still courageously walking through the persistent damage and effects of this with grace to the best of my ability. I'm just glad I'm healthy and that my body has, over the last couple of years began to recover, and more importantly is able to recover from all this. After all, I am one of two identical twin girls and thankfully, we are starting to look alike again. I'm also glad I'm still in the midst of physical maturity, and still "developing" as all young women do. Recovery like this is a roller coaster. I observe any needed surgeries to remove this added on junk in the possible future as something that I will look into only when neccessary. Mostly because I still have a huge fear of doctors, hospitals, surgeons, and the western medical institutions as a whole and would really only willingly walk into such an experience if my life was on the line, since my immune system is slowly rejecting the added on junk to my body again and progressively getting worse, this same thing nearly killed me when I was between the ages of 5 and 11. Such a drastic action or actions will only come to a life or death point of desperation at this point for the choice to even think about surgery to be an option right now. Besides, my body is recovering so beautifully in ways that even I didn't believe was possible. So I'm just gonna wait and see, take good care of myself and if at there comes a time where surgery will not only be necessary but essential...then I only hope that I'll be ready and have enough courage to take those steps, or that it would even be possible since it's not a matter of transition or corrective surgery, it's a matter of topical and reconstructive surgeries that will be necessary for survival.

I had a small bout where I took estrogen and testasterone blockers for about a year and a half and I identified as a transgender women. Big mistake for me! The testasterone blockers nearly killed me, my damned thyroid almost, and for some reason didn't have a toxin "explosion" much like how the appendix bursts. Though it came very close to "exploding" and me losing my life. I wasn't in denial, as much as I wish that was the case, I couldn't process everything that had been done to me and everything that I was still walking through but throughout my entire life I was brutally aware of everything that was being done to me, everything that I was experiencing. After 5th grade biology, denial was no longer an excuse I could use. My ability to process my life, myself and the entirety of the torture I have endured was non existent for much of my life, I tried to convince myself it was denial but that's just not true. Intuitively I knew what was going on, intellectually I was lost, confused and trying to figure myself out. This state of mind caused the devastation of the estrogen and testasterone blockers while I was taking them. My body has stabilized out and has greatly recoved since then. That was when I had to make the choice, accept the truth I had always known and avoided and live my life walking through all the fears and obstacles with rigorous honesty and courage, or deny myself, the truth as horrific and insane as it is, and have my thyroid "explode" and kill me. I chose to live, perhaps that is a reason why I am still here today...I don't know!

So here's the part about my personality and stuff. I'll do my best with this now that I got the hard things about me out of the way...I am a shy girl, I tend to express this either by rambling on or not saying a word. I can be outgoing and become quite social if I can climb out of my shell of shyness, fear, and nervousness. I live a spiritual life, I attach myself to no religious organization though find myself most comfortable living under the vast label of paganism. I do professional spiritual work, though I am not yet "officially" certified. The closest I can come to defining they type of spiritual healing that I do is choas work...

I'm also a flourishing writer, I've only got a few things published thus far but I am always busy working on one or most often a great many different enjoyable projects. Right now I'm writing an autobiagraphy, if you cannot see already, there is much for me to tell about my life. I've got two other novels and novel ideas on the back burner, mostly because I'm still doing research or compiling my notes and realistically I can only do so much at once. Another project that I'm doing right now is a collection of poems. This of course is also taking time, much like my autobiagraphy. A novel and book of poems doesn't get done overnight. Thank the Gods I enjoy writing and have the patience, tact, and determination to actually get somewhere and do a good job at it.

I identify as a Genderqueer lesbian, sometimes simply labelless and I embrace my androgyny that is a result of the sex reassignment I have survived throughout my childhood and much of my youth. Especially since I still have to live with the added on junk as the results of the surgeries in my parents attempts to reassign my sex. I always try to be as honest as possible with myself and others, and will answer any questions anybody might have. I enjoy art, do so many different kinds, my favorites currently are storytelling a World of Darkness Vampire The Masqerade role playing game, (I call it art because the improvisational acting involved is definitely a talent) as well as writing.

I like to embrace the darkness, as it comforts those who are blinded by the light. I have a gift to somehow find what is wonderful about darkened and disturbing situations or things without effort. It might have something to do with what I have overcome and must walk through everyday, since majority of my life I'm pretty positive. I guess I would also consider myself gothic, and definitely a punk rocker. In a very deep sense within my spirit and it as much a part of my personality as my open hearted love for other women. Though sadly I've been to very few concerts to fulfill my punk rock desires, which is ironically due to the restraints and oppression of this fascist consumerist prejudice society, I bear the scars of poverty, I'm very poor and to survive I am forced to live off of the scraps of the government each month with SSI income.